TastyTrixie.com

Archive for December, 2006

UP LATE
It’s pretty late (three in the morning?) in Michigan and I’m unable to sleep, so it makes me happy that I am finally able to hitch a ride on a neighbor’s wireless.

The past week has been delightful, allowing me to rip through fluffy books for the pure fun of it. Part of me feels like I could stay here forever, reading and sleeping and eating and not working. Another part of me is a little nervous with the realization we have a whole week of this to go before we come home. Part of me is raring to get back to work, which is part of why I can’t sleep. While I was lying in bed earlier I composed about three songs (in my head), wrote a story (in my head), and concocted four and a half web designs (in my head) before I finally got up to head to the living room and do some reading so as not to disturb Tucker.

Tucker’s parents routine is full of comfort and cleanliness. There are shopping lists, shopping trips, and scheduled times for waking up and eating. They do not pressure us to conform to their waking time, so we only take part in the scheduled meals. And shopping. They maintain an orderly and peaceful existence in spite of
Tucker’s younger brother who has some pretty serious issues. I very much enjoy being enveloped in their relaxing and reliable world, and sort of wish I could integrate some of their calm and regularity into our own daily lives when we get back home. On the other hand, I know it’s crazy to want that for myself, like Jack Skellington trying to take over Christmas. This lifestyle (normalcy) wouldn’t make use of any of my special gifts or talents. But it *is* nice, for two weeks, to sit down at a table every day between six and six thirty and eat dinner.

I’ll be pretty happy to get home, though, and eat dinner in bed between three and ten pm while we watch boxing.

HELP FOR $PREAD

If any of you have any dough to spare in your holiday budget, I implore you to donate some of it to Spread Magazine (an award-winner by, for and about sex workers); they suffered a huge financial setback (read more about it on Dacia’s blog).

It would be a great gift to me if more money (and more subscribers) were sent $pread’s way so if you’ve got extras that aren’t earmarked, give it some thought.

Extra link: my piece in $pread.

FRENCH TOAST

Note: Bob Evans does not provide a competitive French Toast. It *looks* promising, but doesn’t deliver the density required of a hearty FT nor does it offer the fluffy springiness of a light toast. It’s instead a soggy sponge of a toast. We will have to go to a *real* hometown cookery to get something good.

SAFE ARRIVAL
Tucker and I safely arrived in Michigan on Wednesday, and not a moment too soon with the crazy storm front that hit our home in the Seattle area. My mom is without power, my sister and brother-in-law are without power, and our house is probably without power too.

We’re at Barnes and Noble right now using their wireless to post Delia’s members-only update, check email quickly for emergencies, and make quick blog entries.

Anyway . . . I’ll post more later, but in the meantime we’re enjoying ourselves. Tucker’s mom keeps her house so clean it’s like staying in a resort for us. I’m reading lots and beat Tucker and his dad at Rummikub last night. Tucker is looking over my shoulder as I write this and it’s making me nervous so I’ll post more on the phone later or on Sunday, which is the next day we have to hit the internet cafe for a members-only update.

*****

Blogger wouldn’t cooperate with me when I tried to publish this on Friday, but I’m pressed for time so don’t have much more to add.

BLOW HARD

The wind is really blowing hard tonight; it sounds like the outside of our house is being battered.

Battered is so much better than breaded, though.

Obviously it’s late and I should not attempt blogging.

I treated myself to champagne (and a huge bag of Tim’s Cascade Salt ‘n Vinegar chips) last night and wound up with a splitting headache today. IT WAS WORTH IT.

I hope my tampon is moist enough for me to remove it now . . . I hate ripping them out dry, but I also hate sleeping with them. And sleep I must have.

I’m wearing a tight white t-shirt right now. And yes, I DO love knowing people are watching them bobble on my spycams. I like to know they’re wishing I’d show more BUT THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE ME. I find that hysterically funny. Sometimes I like to puff up my chest like an indignant rooster and imagine the responses around the world to my calculated hyperventilation act.

Friends, fans and foes: I’m way behind on email, and procrastinating heavily on replying to it. It’s really INSANE of me, but my fear is that if I reply to email, people will REPLY BACK. It’s a rational expectation to have, but riddles me with anxiety because it means I will do something that needs to be done, but instead of being finished, it will create MORE things to be done. Endless things to do, stretching on and on into eternity. Conversations that never end. COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KEEP COMMUNICATING. It’s not that I don’t love people (and I actually do love the way they write to me, and write BACK to me after I’ve written to them — it’s delightful, really), I’m just afraid of the way that one email breeds more emails, so I choose to do things that finish work as opposed to creating more of it. Because I’m afraid that I’m incompetent and only able to do a very limited amount of productive things in each day, so I choose the things that I can put an end to most easily. For fear that I will *accidentally* and thoughtlessly put an end to communications and friendships by answering emails flippantly, carelessly, or just plain stupidly. BECAUSE THINKING IS SUCH VERY HARD WORK FOR ME SOMETIMES.

Colleague/women: I’ve gotten good responses to creating a special secret place for us to communicate with each other (if you have a yahoo email address then you probably didn’t get my email because it was during a bouncy email yahoo problem era) and am also procrastinating on getting that going, but I think I can get it up when I get back from our trip, right after Christmas, in time for the new year. And delightful communications between us! I so love! The talking we will have very good! All year long better than email!!

Somebody STOP me!

God almighty.

I imagine part of why I felt so giddy tonight while I watched and heard clips of myself is that I’ve been feeling anxious all day over a goal I set for us to get three months ahead on content for all of our sites by Valentine’s Day. Okay, so the connection probably isn’t clear enough for anybody else; the point is that sometimes I have to step back and look at something I’ve done well and look at myself from a different angle in order to breathe a sigh of relief that I AM OKAY. That I can do what I’m doing and be good at it. That if some stuff is sub-par it really is okay because some other stuff is just so oddly compelling and unexpectedly cool that it’s worth it to do some mediocre stuff if it means I can chance upon doing some cool stuff. And that even in my moments of mediocrity — well, I’m still entertaining enough that I haven’t completely wasted my time. Other people’s maybe, but not my own.

Does this mean I’m my own biggest fan?

No. I’m a fairweather fan. I’m fickle and moody. Rather abusive in my unpredictability, the way I can mutate from self-approval to self-loathing. Yuck, that sounds so institutionalized-crazy.

It’s funny that this bizarre entry came before the one I meant to write about how vital and WEIRD it has been for me to get really intense, thorough and positive feedback from other people regarding my porn web presence, but I’ll save that for another day.

Anyway, just in case no one “gets” why this entry is so embarrassing to me, here’s the explanation; it’s not that I’m so embarrassed of my self-admiration and the pleasure I found this evening partaking of my brilliance, it’s that I’m so embarrassed at how obviously insecure I am. Anyone who is pitched into hysterical lottery-winning happiness by the sudden realization that she has reason to love herself must not have been operating on a full tank of self-esteem. Seriously. And it embarrasses me to blog about low self-esteem. But it shouldn’t because maybe it will do someone else good. Maybe it will do ME some good.

Good night.

WHEN I’M AN ASSHOLE

The only positive aspect of me behaving like a total asshole is that I’m more appreciative of people who are not assholes. Sometimes I feel completely unable to control or reign-in my screaming asshole tendencies, and in the guilty aftermath I’m completely awestruck by others’ ability to suppress their own inner assholes or the fact that they just *aren’t* assholes.

TOP OF THE LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ASSHOLES: My Boyfriend, Tucker.

Okay. I’ve got a members-only update to post before I get some sleep to soothe my savage asshole.

UPCOMING ABSENCE
Tucker and I have been busy shooting a lot of pictures and videos to use on our sites for new updates while we’re gone for two weeks. Next week we are heading to Michigan to visit his family and are taking a forced break from our sites since we can’t broadcast shows or spycams from his parents’ house. I’ll probably make some phone posts and blog entries here while we’re gone, though, and might even pop into chat and/or even broadcast a spycam from an internet cafe every so often when we are posting our updates; it all depends on how much time we spend alone.

Anyway, we’re going to be offering a special membership rate for new members while we’re gone, and offering a free upgrade to active members to make up for our lack of shows and spycams while we’re away. More details later . . .

I’m really excited about this trip, partly because I enjoy spending time with Tucker’s family and partly because it’s an enforced opportunity to take a vacation from work and not feel like I’m being a slacker. His family is actually dealing with a lot of stress right now and I know it means a lot to them to have Tucker with them for the holidays.

Oh, and I have always loved having sex in my boyfriends’ parents’ houses so I’m pretty jazzed about feeling naughty and trying to be quiet about it. Woohoo!!

Okay . . . I have to finish Tucker’s update now — I’m late posting it again.

WHAT MAKES ME LAUGH
Physical comedy a la “How NOT to Rob a Liquor Store“.

I used to rewind and watch repeatedly the moment in Edward Scissorhands when Johnny Depp is riding in the car trying to get a better look at his beautiful pink new suburban surroundings and he bashes his face into the window.

The “funny” thing is that I derive no pleasure from The Marx Brothers or The Three Stooges. They have never appealed to me, not even when I was a child. But gives me some Conan and a few of his ridiculous little skits and I’m in stitches. Have you seen Jar Barf? Or the spycam view of Mother Teresa trashing a hotel room, knocking the television off it’s stand and ripping paintings off the walls and throwing lamps, and I am in fucking hysterics. Any funny acts of destruction just SLAY me!!