TastyTrixie.com

Archive for October, 2007

Well, we *were* going to go to a wild sex party. And not at one of those poorly-decorated swinger pads, (aka Why I am not a Swinger) either. This event is at a hip hotel (in a city requiring about eight hours each way of travel time for us) with an informed-Goth theme and many creatively nerdy/sexy rules and themed play areas. FYI: Delia and I have never gone to a wild sex party together. Yes, we’re pornographers and all, but we’re almost completely hermitlike and monogamous. We aren’t deeply committed to being so solitary, we’re just homebodies and it happens to work out that way; too lazy to fuck other people, it seems.

We were actually looking forward to this party, though, which is why we decided to go against our better judgment. It wasn’t the whips, potential sex with strangers, or squirting bodily fluids worrying us . . . it was Who’s going to take care of the dog while we’re out of state? Is our house going to be okay while we’re gone with our dumb-ass neighbor’s thieving, abusive boyfriend right next door casing the joint? Can we really afford to take a trip, even a small one, right now? How are we going to make up for taking time off when we also have Delia’s sperm deposit appointment in Seattle next week? Are we going to be able to enjoy Delia’s birthday/Halloween with all of this time and money spent away? Is my period going to start while we’re there? If not, am I going to be suffering so horribly from PMS that I’m an absolute horror to be around? How are four people going to get ready for a costume party in one bathroom?

So we changed our minds and decided to stay home. I feel really badly about it because our friends Torn and Toni invited us and upgraded their room to make a place for us to stay. I like to think I’m a person who guiltlessly says “no”, but I think I’m deceiving myself about that because I often do feel anxious about turning down opportunities. I can’t let myself feel TOO badly about it, though, because I know I’m making the right decision. Still, I’m always afraid people are going to stop asking us to do things because a) I rarely say yes, and b) I act like THIS regardless.

A big obstacle for me right now in making social time happen is that spending time with my family is a higher priority, and I haven’t seen my nephew this entire month; I hate that I’m missing seeing him grow and change. I also haven’t seen my mom who is leaving Friday on a trip to Austin and going to be gone for a couple of weeks. And I haven’t finished building my brother-in-law’s website. As you may have gathered from this post, I really REALLY want to spend more time with my family, so while it’s still a challenge to spend lots of time with them, I have a hard time justifying taking trips and time off to not spend time with them.

I also have come to accept something about myself; while I do love people and spending time with them, it’s hardly ever “time off” for me. In fact, it tires me out. If I’m going to spend a day with people, I usually need to spend the day after by myself/just with Delia, vegging out to recuperate. Time off, for me, means limiting stimuli. Reading, spacing out, and umm, even doing work is usually more like time off for me than socializing. If I don’t recuperate from socializing, I’m pretty fucking useless and next week? We just won’t have time to laze around mending my hyperextended social muscles.

I’m also getting really frustrated with our baby-making “project”; my energy feels really preoccupied with that and focused on limiting distractions. I seriously don’t know how much longer I can handle being off the pill (or not pumped up on femme pregnancy hormones), because my PMS is sinking me to low points I’d rather not scrape.

*****

So, our plans have changed for this weekend. We *will* still be gone Friday night and perhaps much of Saturday to visit my sister/nephew/brother-in-law since we won’t just be using it as a launching pad for party travel. I’m going to keep my shows canceled and use that time to plan Halloween and Delia’s birthday or, an alternate plan is that we’ll rent a room Sunday night to do some shooting. We’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll just lie on the couch in a PMS funk.

Today we have to do some shooting. I feel anxious and depressed and it sucks, but not so bad that I don’t realize it will pass.

• 09:40 Just woke up. Going to hang out in chat & enter McDs gamepieces online. #
• 11:01 Ugh – why did wizards ruin the card checklists? Or maybe I’m not finding the right spot to print from . . . #
• 11:42 Picking up where I left off last night building promo galleries. Kind of enjoying it. Okay, I admit it; I love doing this kind of work. #
• 15:21 Lunch: scrambled eggs & turkey bacon on corn tortillas for lunch. Wrapping up promo gallery work. Delia’s cleaning out the fridge. #
• 16:01 Yay! Finally sent mailing out to our affiliates with 5 new free galleries. Here’s one of my faves: www.trixie.com/tgp/Delia/Autum … #
• 16:02 Yay! Finally sent affiliates 5 new free galleries for promo. Here’s 1 of my faves: www.trixie.com/tgp/Delia/AutumnCorset/index.html #
• 16:15 Going to go check out a kennel for our dog; going out of town this weekend for a party & this is the only place that takes huskies. #
• 17:42 Yay! 2257 found unconstitutional tinyurl.com/ytajxm MAJOR NEWS 4 porno peeps like me. #
• 18:37 Taking care of some family communication and holiday plans. Getting ready to eat dinner. #
• 19:01 Meditating upon design of my brother-in-law’s website, contemplating what to do next with it. Waiting for dinner. #
• 21:30 Canceled trip to Portland this weekend. Too much stuff going on to make it work and actually be able to enjoy it. #
• 22:10 Started a blog entry. I’m afraid it’s boring, but boring blogging keeps satisfying ME. I’ll finish in the morning. Eyelid still twitching. #
• 22:30 Puzzling over how to respond to a nice email with lots of food for thought. Kind of too much for me to work out tonight. #
• 23:05 I think I have PMS. I’m depressed (not because I’m probably not pregnant, but just bc PMS kills joy). At least I pooped 3 Xs today. A + #

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• 10:43 Going to have some alone time with breakfast, then get ready for my show. Then DO my show. #
• 11:01 Defective teabags are SO pesky. #
• 12:23 Considered washing my ass toys for show, but after a sniff test & spot check for chunks, I decided they’re as good as new! #
• 14:19 In members-only chatroom, talking about sex toy store sponsorship. #
• 15:07 Annoying tic in my left eye plaguing me off and on yesterday & today. Hold STILL, tiny muscles! #
• 15:31 OMG. Way to confuse the issues in this ridiculous coverage of porn viewing in libraries: tinyurl.com/25tn2k #
• 15:59 Working on promotional Halloween galleries. Have *got* to get more sales; last week sucked worse than ever for $$. #
• 17:02 Delia and I are going to go fuck now. She’s all warmed up from denying herself during her show. GO SPERM!!!! #
• 18:25 This babymaking sex is really getting lame. Fertilize already, dammit! #
• 21:29 On a roll building promo galleries, but need to take a break for some McD’s. We have to win monopoly, no matter HOW fat it makes me! #
• 22:27 Gah! McD’s keeps giving us packaging SANS GAME PIECES! Massive ripoff; going back to collect what is rightfully ours!! And get more crap. #
• 00:15 Saw 2 hot firemen at McDs. Saw 2 beautiful bucks (the kind with antlers) on ride home. Wish we’d seen ‘em ramming each other (the firemen). #
• 00:45 With each feature & asset we add to our sites, I’m overwhelmed by need to train members how to use them. Need to hire extra tutor camgirl. #

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PREVIEW

As some of you know, I’ve become addicted to twitter as a mini-blogging tool, a way to see what my colleagues and buddies are doing, and method of letting friends, fans and members know what *I* am doing.

It’s also had the adverse effect of reducing my real blog time; my compulsion to blog about the daily and mundane has dwindled so it seems like I’m neglecting my blog for days on end. Here’s a sample of daily posts that will cure the problem (from now on 24 hours of my tweets will automatically post at 3:30 in the morning, Pacific, every night):

Fair warning: I tend to tweet about pooping a lot. Oh, and I would love to see more of my blog buddies, fellow webwhores and fans on twitter. I don’t like it for sending messages or engaging in mini-conversations, though, I prefer to use it in a more voyeuristic way. Here’s my profile if you want to follow me or see what some of my buddies are twittering about.

• 17:15 Capturing video. Feeling stiff and exhausted for no reason whatsoever. Thinking I need some fresh air. #
• 18:00 Dizzy. Delia’s fixing dinner. Searching online for plugin to make members contents indexed, categorized & searchable w/o major overhaul. #
• 19:38 Still dizzy & also nauseous now. Have to get ready for news flash. Really just want to sleep. #
• 20:08 Ugh. Got up for nothing; there’s a glitch with my rude shows-I start my cam, wait in chat, no one comes in & I find I’m not on schedule. #
• 21:25 In the immortal words of Hank Williams, I’m so bloated I could die. Taking my fat ass back to bed with a book. SO MANY books, I *love*! #
• 01:34 A midtown Manhattan craiglister stole a Delia pic for his personal ad. Oh well, he left her url on it so I guess it’s free advertising! #
• 10:43 Going to have some alone time with breakfast, then get ready for my show. Then DO my show. #
• 11:01 Defective teabags are SO pesky. #
• 12:23 Considered washing my ass toys for show, but after a sniff test & spot check for chunks, I decided they’re as good as new! #
• 14:19 In members-only chatroom, talking about sex toy store sponsorship. #
• 15:07 Annoying tic in my left eye plaguing me off and on yesterday & today. Hold STILL, tiny muscles! #
• 15:31 OMG. Way to confuse the issues in this ridiculous coverage of porn viewing in libraries: tinyurl.com/25tn2k #

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*****

I know I already have the twitter “badge” in my sidebar so maybe this is redundant, but I don’t like the way the flash badge doesn’t have hyperlinks, messes up formatting, and seems to not have the most recent tweet displayed.

This time I’ve got my dick out:

I love that most of my outfit was given to me by cool women. My sister bought the pants for me after getting sick of seeing me wear the same pair of jeans for five years, and the strapon dildo and harness were keepers from the filming of Dacia’s movie, The Bi Apple (if you’re only interested in seeing our scene and want to do it now, check here; our scene together is two, and Tucker’s scene with Antonio is three; of course, if you do that you’ll miss out on the “behind the scenes” stuff on the dvd which I think are really embarrassing to watch, but I WAS heralded the “star of the BTS” so you might want to check it if you’re interested).

Every so often I do get feedback from people who happen across one of my live shows and recognize me enough to ask if I was in The Bi Apple or Sin Cities. It’s bizarre to have people ask if I’m REALLY that chick they saw on TV, but considering the roles in question as poorly-acted zombie-wives and ass-licker/fuckers I can only respond with the utmost in humility. You can’t let yourself get a swelled head over this stuff, you know? Even though some of the choicest bits were left on the cutting room floor . . .

To say that I’m really fond of the gallery we just shot would be an understatement. Sample:

I can’t wait to edit these pics and post them for members. It’s also one hell of a beautiful day, which makes shooting a great pleasure:

Beautiful or not, it’s still fall and getting pretty nippy out. Delia’s fingers were really cold by the time we got done, and she endured a lot in between lying on the soggy ground to get certain shots and listening to me harangue her about how I wanted her to shoot them.

*****

It’s pretty much dinnertime here, so Delia’s deviling some eggs — I can’t wait to gobble them up! Later we’ll take another stab at babymaking, viewable/audible to members on our spycams, of course. I’m actually lurking in our chatroom right now in case anyone feels like popping in, but so far no one has so I’ll keep editing pics until my hunger interferes too much.

“Family & Holidays” sounds like a title for a tired, bitchy entry, but it’s not.

I’m not sick of my family, I’m sick of not seeing them as much as I want, as often as I want. Right now we’re separated by many miles and large bodies of water (Hood Canal and Puget Sound to get to my sister/nephew/brother-in-law, plus Lake Washington in my mom’s case) that take at least a couple of hours one way to traverse.

For the past few years we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas on off-days, before or after the actual days on the calendar, so that we wouldn’t have to contend with holiday traffic. I’ve enjoyed that, but now that my sister has a kid and we’re planning to have one ourselves and we’re all just getting older, I really want to live close together, to be able to walk to each other’s houses or at least be within a fifteen-minute drive of each other.

In a bizarre new twist in my fantasy life, I’ve actually been fantasizing about Thanksgiving and Christmas. About celebrating on the same days everyone else does. Eating turkey at one of our houses, then walking to one of our other houses for pie. I’ve been fantasizing about the cool outside smell of late November as we walk to my neighbor/sister’s house with a big bowl of cranberry sauce. About seeing my nephew, who is now (for real) singing, walking, and signing like crazy, every day.

I fantasize about living close enough to my mom that I can see her in short, fun, frequent bursts, instead of long, painful ordeals built up by ridiculously long drives.

I want to be able to pick up flowers or stupid gadgets during a grocery trip and drop them off at my mom’s and sister’s houses. I want us to play cards at night with my brother-in-law and sister after the kid(s) have gone to bed. I want to smell each other’s houses so often that they all feel like home. I want all of us to get fat and happy eating from each other’s tables.

Whenever we drive around town lately I imagine we’re driving to my sister’s or mom’s house, and that we’re only a minute away from arriving.

*****

My sister and brother-in-law actually want to move to our town, so that part is settled in terms of goals. When that actually happens, I think our mom will get on board too. The problem right now is of course just money. Part of me feels certain it’s completely in my power to make this happen within a couple of years. Another part of me is just so slack and unambitious, I get annoyed with myself.

Part of the problem is I’m pretty content with our lifestyle and what we have so it’s difficult to feel motivated to make more money. Yes, I’d like to have our own house, health insurance, no credit card debt and to be near my family, but the reality is I hardly feel the absence of most of those things. I feel pretty fucking comfortable.

In the past I’ve been motivated by the fear of failure, and since I don’t really worry about failing anymore I struggle to feel motivated. I feel like I need to perform a bunch of focused mental acrobatics at this time in my life to encourage myself to run harder and faster to realize my now ultra-mundane dreams. I’m simultaneously frustrated with myself and stultifyingly content. I make myself sick with laziness yet I’m also sickeningly happy. The only thing that seems to light a fire under my ass is watching videos of my one-year-old nephew and missing the chance to see him often while he learns new things.

*****

I’ve never hated the holidays. Yes, I’ve hated celebrating birthdays and hated SHOPPING for holidays, but the actual Thanksgivings and Christmases have had so much goodness I can separate them from memories of family dysfunction, like when a huge Thanksgiving fight ended with my grandpa verbally disowning me. My family is smaller and less dysfunctional now, plus I miss my dad who LOVED Christmas and gift-giving; maybe that part of him inhabits me now and urges me into this sentimental frame of mind. I don’t want to spend one single Christmas day on the road, I want to spend a whole week with my family, with kids in sleeping bags and no worries about how losing sleep staying up late together on Christmas eve to play Santa will potentially cause a car crash. I want to go to church with my sister, and argue about which one we’ll go to. Maybe we’ll switch off.

*****

Going to watch a video of nephew then slog through the more mundane aspects of my work, trying to stay focused . . . trying to remember what’s MOST important out of the billions of things that are important to me.

From a gallery I’m posting for members:

Why, yes! I *do* love legwarmers!

I must confess, the gallery is not that great but I think the commentary is hot; I could have written three times as much, but I don’t like to make my notes so long that people won’t want to read them.

I’m way behind on email, and I’ll have to stay behind for awhile since we have to do our taxes this weekend. I did, however, take time to procrastinate on them by watching some college football (not that I’m a sports enthusiast, but I’m not a schoolgirl either and yet I like to dress up as one; it’s that time of year and it’s FUN). I hung out in our members-only chatroom while we watched the first half of the game, but alas, no one came in to chat. There’s no telling when I’ll make it back in there.

Now I need to finish my update and clean off the big table so I can spread out with my receipts, forms, sharp pencils and old-fashioned calculator.

It’s very strange to walk through a bookstore and have my eyes captured by so many familiar authors and editors: people I know through the blogosphere, people with whom I’ve exchanged emails and links, people I’ve met in “real” life, and even people who have or are about to send me contracts and checks to put my own work in their volumes. It’s not the least bit glamorous, but it feels that way anyway because I know OTHER people (horny nineteen year old college girls with sensitive nipples, I hope) might think it’s dreamy and impressive because they don’t know any better. Right now it feels super cool to me because I feel like it happened to me by accident, without intent I’m a dork and it’s COOL to look at names on the spines of books and think to myself, “talked to HIM on the phone, met HER on porn set, commiserated with HER regarding obnoxious blog fans, was stark naked at HER house, am quoted in THAT book, blah blah blah”.

I can whittle the vanity down to something even simpler, though; it’s delightful knowing some of those book people know who I am. It’s neat-o to be in a public place surrounded by people who think books and the people who write them are really cool, and to feel “special” because some of those people whose names are on books because they’re responsible for the content inside of them, SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE KNOW WHO *I* AM!!

Through my porn sites I have attained a degree of immortality. It sounds crazy, but it’s true and it fascinates me. So much of the work I do amplifies and extends my living; I do feel like I’m more alive because so many people KNOW that I’m living, WATCH me living, READ me living, etc. It’s heady, powerful stuff that overfeeds my most basic, primitive survival instincts. Maybe my own instincts have gone off the rails or I’m unwittingly describing the hallmarks of some kind of pathology, but whatever. Some people cheat death through extreme sports to feel more alive, some people have kids, some people perform acts of heroism . . . but I feel more alive simply because a few bloggy book people (along with thousands of men who’ve become erect and spilled seed over my web-graven images) know who I am.

The idea of low-level celebrity is becoming more and more intriguing to me as it becomes more common in our world and as I attain some of it in a barely-measurable way. If Kathy Griffin is D-list, I guess I’m somewhere around Y, which as you know is right next to nothing; it may not be much, but it’s an eye-opening position granting me a zillion unblocked views into the various phenomena associated with fame and its varying degrees. Even if you are decidedly NOT famous, if there are a dozen people in the world who assume you must be and they communicate that assumption to you in a prone position of worship you DO learn something about the condition. Most of the time you just snicker to yourself because the concept of YOU being FAMOUS is ludicrous and hysterical, but you still have to recognize that you’re experiencing something that most people don’t and in that way you are exceptional. You are, for example, the exception in the bookstore, not the rule.

*****

Fucking has been a daily event for the past few days, and will continue to be for the next couple of weeks as we continue trying to get pregnant. Thanks to some good timing with Netflix and some splendid hand-me-downs from a blog reader (thank you very much for Mr. Beaver and Squirm Sockets, which I especially like), we have some hot movies to accompany our wholesome procreative sex efforts. WARNING TO VOYEURS: if you’re expecting wild, nonstop sex in a variety of positions during our baby-making attempts you’re bound to be disappointed. We don’t want to overdo it, and we’re aiming to finish in the missionary position every time for maximum spooge retention.

I’m now going to go poop. The reason I’m telling you this is because it makes me feel so ALIVE when I talk about pooping. If I pooped and nobody knew about it, I would feel half-dead, but knowing that my stinky essential ritual of daily life is haunting strangers around the world? I feel like a god. Like a god who doesn’t carelessly use his divinity to give up on pooping, because a true god knows that it feels so pleasurable when the poop stretches the anus.