TastyTrixie.com

Archive for September, 2008

Over the weekend we were blessed by a visit from AmberLily and her husband. It was a working visit, meaning we weren’t getting together *just* to socialize, but mainly to shoot a bunch of pics for her site. Delia and I looked forward to doing this knowing it would feel totally awesome to get a lot of work done without actually having to be in front of the camera ourselves the way we are when we shoot each other. Instead we got to totally devote ourselves to behind-the-camera work which is really so much easier with two people not just to actually TAKE the pictures, but to set up lights, move/clean stuff, etc. It was a good experiment to find out how productive we can be when a bunch of roles/tasks are subtracted from our routine.

I don’t want to ruin the surprise of her cute outfits too much for her members, so here are some samples that won’t reveal all of her sexy and whimsical ensembles:

I totally hogged the camera the whole time which was fun for ME, but by the end of the night a lot of the pics I snapped were totally fucked: poorly framed, blurry, etc. It’s very physical work, both modeling for pictures and taking them; my “muscles” were totally sore the next day, but that didn’t stop me from TRYING to get BigD to pose for me.

I *achingly yearn* for more resources (aka money) to be able to shoot with friends in nicer places for longer periods of time without such a limited schedule and the same boring house we’ve been living in for years. It boggles my mind to think of how much hot porno we could make if we weren’t bound by, you know, huge debt and stuff. Until that day comes, however, we’re doing a pretty good job with the time and other resources we DO have. If we could do all that we did in five hours, I wonder what we could do with a week or two in more inspiring and spacious locations? You can scoff at the necessity of those things when it comes to porn, but if you do then you’ve no idea how hard it is to frame thousands of photos to look reasonably special/different so that you don’t include a mess, carpet stain, wires, light stands, and other distracting crap that your subject (and her hot HOT pussy) is squeezed between.

I can’t even describe how much joy a couple pots of pansies have given me. We rarely spend money on yard-stuff since we rent, but damn . . . just having a reason to go outside and water a couple bowls of flowers and inspect their tiny, perfect faces makes me so fucking happy. It did suck when we were gone last week and came home to find the deer had eaten half of them in our absence, but since pansies are so cheap it didn’t feel like a major loss:

We took most of the day off on Wednesday, AND IT WAS GOOD. We took the dog for a walk on the beach when we got up, then we came home for breakfast: eggs scrambled up with onions and softened apples (that Delia picked from the tree in our yard). It’s pretty rare that I cook any of the food we eat together (Delia takes care of all the housewifey things here), so it made me feel good to contribute in that way for once.

We also spent time outside pruning the Camellia, meaning Delia pruned while I stood there and watched, enjoying the rain that started to fall while I picked up the branches. Or maybe that was yesterday, I don’t know. I also got a headache on our day off, but since we didn’t have anything planned it felt SO GOOD to not worry about what I wasn’t going to get done and just nap instead. I’m redoubling my efforts to avoid migraine triggers, for real! I just had a minor lapse Tuesday night when I had some processed meat. Bad, Trixie!

Tonight while Delia was at her AA meeting I really wanted to play piano and sing, but as usual having the audio on the cams makes me feel totally self-conscious. I know I shouldn’t be, that even if I suck ass it’s entertaining, but that doesn’t matter; I want to be alone.

It’s not that hard to turn the audio off on the cams, but I feel guilty about it and worry that people just joining for the first time will check the cams, not hear anything, and think I lied about broadcasting audio. On the other hand, I feel guilty about not doing something I enjoy and value (making music for the sheer pleasure of it AND to practice/improve) so I think I’m going to start setting that time aside when Delia’s at her meetings for alone time at the piano and just turn the audio off on the cams. I might even log in a special silent cam since I don’t mind people WATCHING from a voyeuristic angle, I just don’t want to be heard, critiqued, etc.

Maybe if I keep that up we’ll start having monthly or weekly “performances” or something so the mystery can be revealed and to motivate me to focus on doing more than just noodling around.

After our trip to my psychiatrist, we drove a little more to spend the night with our friend, Ron Carlo. We had an idea for a new porn site to pitch to him and wound up staying awake until 4:30 in the morning excitedly talking about it and brainstorming. Here’s the domain and a little of the concept:

IMakePorno.com

I know, you’re thinking I’m crazy, always coming up with ideas that I don’t have time to develop, but that’s the beauty of this one; we aren’t doing it alone. Delia and I can do a lot (we DO do a lot) as a couple, but adding just one more awesome person to the mix expands the possibilities exponentially.

While this is a business venture, I’m more excited about it for personal and creative reasons. It’s an excuse to spend more time with Ron (and his family when we’re not actually shooting) and it really is true that so much more can be accomplished by a team than by individuals. The difference between two people and three is GIGANTIC, especially when that third person has tools, skills, talents, and experience that we don’t have. Ron knows what it takes to produce and market video and music on a variety of different budgets and timelines and his experience is super-varied. He is very familiar with our sites. We are familiar with each other’s tastes and turn-ons. Over the past three years or so of working with him on projects like this one and True Necromance, we know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, we get along really well, we are comfortable being honest with each other, our personalities balance each other out, we have a lot of important things in common with him and hanging out with him always uncorks a deluge of creativity. I LOVE THAT! He is resourceful, funny, optimistic, encouraging, smart, well-rounded, and he treats people with dignity and respect.

The rest of his family shares those qualities which is important since spending a lot of time with him also means visiting with his family (though not shooting porn with them) since we don’t have an office or studio (and because we like them). My family knows about and is supportive of my work and I know that makes a huge difference in how I *feel* about being a webwhore; it makes me really happy to work with people who are similarly blessed with supportive and creative family members. I know it sounds hokey, but the “energy” is just better when people aren’t keeping secrets from their loved ones and can talk about work with them. The second time we worked with Ron it was at his house where his wife is the one who picked out and sewed my costume and dressed me. Everywhere in the house was evidence of the things they value: art, activism, education, music, etc. They are people we care about which adds an extra incentive to this project and our desire for it to succeed.

Somehow this post is sounding like a letter of recommendation which isn’t what I intended, it’s just me counting our many blessings and sharing PART of why we are so excited about this project. We’ve been dying to branch out, shoot other people and do more creative things with our porn — things that we can continue to do as we get older that showcase more of our personalities and assets than the physical ones. We are so lucky Ron is excited and willing to take a risk on this project with us; the concept is something completely unique to him and an exaggeration of dynamics that could really only exist between the three of us. We would not and could not put this together alone or with anyone besides Ron. We can’t wait to see what emerges in two months, six months, a year from now and so on.

*****

In the meantime, Delia and I are working hard to get ahead on updates for TastyTrixie.com and DeliaCD.com so that our current members don’t suffer while we’re shooting, building and launching imakeporno.com (again, it will be part of our network so membership to one of our sites includes access to all: our current members will automatically get access to the new site if they are still active when it opens). I’m hoping to launch before Thanksgiving, but Ron is aiming for SOONER!

I’m betting people are curious how my psychiatrist appointment went, so here’s a post that’s JUST about that:

It was a relief to see him; I was amazed how much he remembered after more than five years, and that was without even having the benefit of reviewing my old records since he moves them from his office to his garage if inactive and older than five years.

Hmmm . . . now that I’m trying to write this I’m not sure how much of it I feel like sharing, not because any of it was bad or even that personal, it’s just the kind of thing that requires a lot of context and background information to be accurate and I know people have a tendency to be judgmental about prescription drugs, people who are diagnosed with new labels, etc. On the other hand, I know that for every person who reads this stuff and thinks, “what a crock of shit/loony bird/lazy, oversensitive drug-seeker” there’s another person who can relate.

Long story short, I’m really glad I went. It’s always so cool to have positive, meaningful experiences with health care professionals where you are helped in a way that also makes you feel respected, empowered and cared for by people who are extremely knowledgeable and gifted. I wish everybody could afford to get the care they need from people who deliver it at such a high and loving level.

Aside from the intangible benefits of going, I came away with my generic 10 mg Ritalin prescription and an assortment of other samples and scripts to try since I live too far away to come often (four hour round trip), my insurance isn’t paying for it so it’s too expensive for me to come often, and I said I can’t afford to try anything new after my bad experiences with Adderall (it made me feel really depressed and hopeless) I’m reluctant to stray from what I know works for me.

I’ve only filled the prescription for the Ritalin, but also have Focalin, Concerta and Vyvanse sample scripts. For a couple of weeks I’m just going to enjoy my old standby, though. I took some last night before I went to sleep (yes, I know that’s contraindicated but it often *helps* me get more relaxed, satisfying sleep) and it was just a huge fucking relief.

Another big relief is that he gave me a sample kit for Lamictal (a mood stabilizer). I don’t feel like getting into a discussion at the moment about whether or not I’m bipolar, but either way it sounds like a safe drug (even if you’re trying to get pregnant or are pregnant) that’s worth trying. I’m not sure whether or not I *will* try it, but I can’t describe what a huge relief it is to have it here and to know that if things get any worse I have something that will probably make it better. I’m going to wait and see if I continue to have dramatically fucked-up mood swings (example: getting one of my “brilliant ideas” and getting so worked-up/hyper-enthusiastic/crazily-driven that I’m pacing uncontrollably for a few hours then plummet into a state of horrifying self-loathing and hopeless depression lasting twice as long as the crazy-high; apparently “they” are expanding how they diagnose bipolar disorder so it’s not just limited to people who cycle slowly from one extreme to the other). I’m still going to see an endocrinologist to find out if there’s a hormonal problem fucking with my head, and I know lack of exercise and stress are other big factors that can make people crazy but sometimes meds can work miracles, even if you just try them to learn how it feels to be different or are reminded that things can be better.

I just have to say HUGE RELIEF again. That’s what it is. To know you have options and boosts. To know that if things get worse there is help to be had (and that things don’t HAVE to get worse before you seek it out).

A few photos from my most recent members-only gallery (which I think is totally charming, by the way, and I don’t say that about ALL of my pictures):

I was pretty proud of our efforts in getting up early to shoot outside before the light got all freaky. Mostly I’m posting these pics though so you’ll have visual reassurance that I’m not having a nervous breakdown or anything. I’m so happy just to have boobs!

Somewhere between this entry and the one before it is the truth.

This will be a very boring entry to read if you aren’t interested in health issues:

Today I *had* to cancel my shows because I woke up with a headache that developed into a full-fledged, obvious migraine. I’ve done shows before in spite of them and just kept the lights down low and abstained from masturbating to keep all that blood flow in and out of my head consistent, but that wasn’t an option today as I had diarrhea and was almost puking my brains out.

Of course, I thought I’d been very good lately about avoiding triggers like bananas, peanut butter, caffeine, etc. but then we realized that yesterday? I ate smoked salmon, bacon and avocados — all yummy things on the food trigger list. And for some reason I just thought turkey bacon would be exempt from what makes bacon be on that list, but I was SO wrong. On top of that the entire past week I’ve been very light sensitive with sun spots, etc. and have had a metal taste in my mouth often and other weird flavors on the roof of my mouth; I think I’ve been teetering on the brink. Today before I got nauseated I was standing in the bathroom and suddenly smelled an overpowering scent of bread mold for a few seconds and then it was gone; it was an olfactory hallucination which I do not think I’ve ever had before, but apparently is a less-common type of aura preceding migraines.

I was diagnosed with classic migraines as a kid but they were much worse back then with guaranteed puke-fests and a very distinct tunnel-vision and other weird feelings warning me they were coming. As an adult I’ve been sort of dismissive of them because they’re different and less severe than they were as a kid and teenager when they were absolutely incapacitating. The thing is, they were a lot more RARE when I was younger, too. They might not be as bad now and I might be able to avoid barfing my brains out, but they’re more frequent and last a lot longer (maybe because I’m not puking?) so I don’t know why I just keep trying to pretend they’re not a big giant deal.

Low and behold, I discovered today when frantically googling that migraines can also be caused by thyroid problems. It will be such a relief if that’s the reason for a bunch of symptoms on my mounting list of health complaints. I feel like I’m wasting so much time in my life trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I used to think I was the picture of health, not in an athletic way, but in an indestructible-nerd way. Quirks like attention deficit disorder weren’t things I saw as vulnerabilities or symptoms of poor construction, they were what made me SPECIAL and amazing! Now I feel like a whining puddle of annoying health problems from my lactose intolerance to my allergies to animals to my inability to conceive to my insane levels of PMS to my anxiety to my sensitivities to every little morsel of stimulation to my inability to hold conversations on cell phones. Yes, I still find it very hard to believe other people are able to separate the noises on the phone and the road from the voice and then actually piece the sounds together into words that are strung into sentences intended to convey meaning. If I were a character on a video game with a full life counter who had to talk (and listen) for three minutes on a cell phone, you would see my juice depleted to almost nothing in that amount of time.

Anyhoo, we’re getting up early tomorrow to trek to Tacoma for an appointment with my brilliant and wonderful psychiatrist. I haven’t seen him in at least five years and am looking forward to being re-assessed by him and getting a Ritalin scrip. I will definitely talk to him about my other brain stuff like the migraines, potential thyroid issues, etc. That is the benefit of going to a really good psychiatrist rather than just a psychologist; they are DOCTORS who know lots of interesting shit.

After that we’re meeting up with Delia’s ex-girlfriend and her partner for dinner, then spending the night with our friend Ron; all of these people are creative-thinkers so it’s fun to brainstorm with them, not boring “regular” socializing. On Tuesday we have to do some shopping (our threadbare flannel sheets bit the dust and are ripping on my side of the bed and my good hot water bottle is so thin it’s about to burst) and meet up with my mom to give her a birthday present (which I also have not picked out yet).

FYI: if you’ve gotten an email from me in the past three months, you are one of about a dozen people who can say that. I’m just mentioning it so everyone else will know that it’s not just YOU who hasn’t heard from me personally, I’m just having a hard time getting it all done. My computer time is prioritized to be eaten up doing stuff that’s meant to be consumed by more than one person at a time. It sucks, but there’s not a whole lot I can do about it unless I want to stop sleeping and give myself more migraines.

Last month when Delia was on her way to her laser appointment she encountered a road block situation by the Hood Canal Bridge: border patrol. We were mystified by it since THAT IS NOT THE BORDER and we’ve never seen anything like that before and I’ve lived in Washington state my whole entire life. So maybe there was a terrorist threat to smuggle weapons from Canada and blow up a submarine or something as it passed under the bridge? Far-fetched, but it was the only legit reason I could think of for the border patrol to be fucking around in these parts.

I know I’ll probably regret posting this because it’s loaded with keywords that might bring people from our town and sparsely-populated region to this blog; that’s why I haven’t linked to our local papers’ coverage of it, because I totally do NOT need a trail leading from my porn site to our local paper and back again. But here’s a story on what they’re doing and how totally fucked up it is. Because we live within 100 miles of the CANADIAN border, they’re using 9/11 to justify slowing everyone down to pick out and harass anyone who looks Latino in a line of cars. We don’t live by the Mexican border, and in my whole life here I’ve never heard of migrant farm workers committing acts of terrorism whether they were here legally or not. So WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I cannot believe this is fucking AMERICA in this new century. It’s almost like traveling in time and space to some hideous place where all black people have a curfew and are detained by the strong arm of the law to show their paperwork, etc. “What are you doing on the highway without your papers?” And then the border patrol brags in the paper about how they “netted” however-many “illegals” they caught in their shitty little traps. And the white folk in the line of cars gawk as the men with guns chase the brown-skinned people who leap from moving vehicles to RUN into the woods to try to get away.

Where the fuck am I living? What the fuck is going on? I seriously cannot believe this shit and the people who have the pink balls to defend it. And they gleefully tell us to expect MORE of it. They’re ramping up! Their funding has been increased!

It boggles my mind the way these fuckers act so proud of their horrid, invasive, pathetic jobs. The way they won’t acknowledge for a second that what they’re doing is a violation of civil liberties and pretty much defeats the purpose of living in what we like to call a “free” country. Nothing personal against those who are just following orders and need their crappy job with the border patrol, but it makes me mad when I as a whore am shamed and vilified for my job but these guys? Get to walk around with their chests puffed out for stopping people without cause and wreaking havoc on people’s lives. For reminding all of us how weak this country really is and scaring us all into seeing the horrifyingly distinct possibility that freedom is something that too many Americans are happy to see flushed down the shitter if it means maintaining some semblance of white supremacy.

I can’t even imagine how angry I would be if I were an American Indian stopped and harassed at one of these checkpoints. I think I would lose my fucking marbles at the sickness of it, the US border patrol trying to keep brown-skinned people OFF land they stole FROM brown-skinned people. Where do they fucking get off?

Do you think I should let this dry and wear it on my face to water aerobics tonight?

I wonder if the nerdy lifeguard I wrote about recently would recognize it for what it is . . . and how that would make him feel.

FYI: I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! But if maybe there are a few crispy streaks I didn’t QUITE towel off . . . well . . .

NO!! I’M JUST KIDDING AROUND!!

Something new will be posted for members when I get back home if I don’t have time to finish it before I go.