TastyTrixie.com

Archive for November, 2009

I hope no one is worrying that I’m still down-in-the-dumps and that’s why I haven’t posted since that last gloomy entry . . . I actually felt immediately better that night and my mood continued to improve when AmberLily and BigD got here the next day. It was nice to have Delia and AmberLily doing all of the work while BigD and I sat on the couch and in bed chatting and watching tv. It sucks we don’t all get to spend more time together.

On Sunday we had an early Thanksgiving with my family which included attempting to come out to my 90 year old grandma and explain that Delia is the same person she met before as Tucker. A story like that sounds like perfect blog fodder, but it was pretty anticlimactic after all of the drama leading up to it. I can’t even remember what I said or what she said: something like, “oh! well, nice to meet you . . . people do all kinds of things these days I guess” then to me, “it sure is nice  you have someone to go with you to the movies and on the ferry and things.” The woman is on so much vicodin for her arthritis and muscle spasms it’s hard to tell what she grasped, especially since she was totally blindsided by it since my mom pussied out on prepping her AT ALL. I think she was just happy to see me even if I appear to her to be some sort of a lesbian now. The woman has more pressing concerns managing her prolapsed vagina whenever she goes pee to give much consideration to my transsexual girlfriend (a term I don’t think really sunk in for her).

Between that excursion and a long trip yesterday for shopping-for-shoot-stuff and laser appointment, I’ve filled my quota for driving and ferry-riding/waiting and waiting for the bridge to open and being exposed to cat hair and flourescent lights and other things that run down people of My Delicate Constitution. Today I badly needed to shut myself up in the bedroom to read, snack, and watch bad television, blocking out all outside noises and people and light SO THAT’S WHAT I DID mostly. It annoys me how guilty I feel about doing things like that (and annoys other people because I constantly feel like I have to defend myself) especially when I realize most people with normal jobs have today OFF so maybe it’s okay if I do too (minus immediately dealing with computer/cam issues upon waking and doing a few minor tasks).

I feel like I should say something meaningful about Veterans Day or at least acknowledge that today is more than a “holiday” where I get to feel a-okay about being a lazy ass, but in a way that might be the best way I could have recognized the day this year by immersing myself in Americana like watching The People’s Court while eating skittles in bed and cracking open nuts at a frantic, OCD pace with my eyes glued to the boob tube. I hate the way the word “hero” is bandied about to describe every Tom, Dick and Harry who ever donned a fucking uniform but that’s not to say I don’t respect the enormity of their jobs and the huge consequences of doing them. I think the contemporary knee-jerk hero worship allows people to skim over veterans’ and their families’ losses and scars in the most superficial of ways that can’t even begin to address the lifelong damage and costs so many MANY people keep paying every day for the rest of their lives.

Since people are already playing Christmas music, here’s a quote and directive from one of my dad’s (a Korean war veteran) favorite Christmas songs:

Pray for peace, people. EVERYWHERE.

If I were a weatherman describing my outlook, I’d offer up pathos-riddled contradictions.

Sky at 4:23 pm, November 3rd, 2009

I don’t know if I feel depressed today the past three days because I didn’t get enough sleep, or if I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m depressed.

I started to go into a little more detail/troubleshooting/description but deleted it because I don’t feel like hashing it out right now; it’s boring stuff, really, about too much dreaming, supplements I’ve tried, seratonin levels in weirdos, discussions with my psychiatrist, blah blah blah.

Anyway, the GOOD news is that depression reminds me how heartbreakingly beautiful music sounded to me in the eighties. Goodbye horses indeed.

No, no no . . . the REALLY GOOD NEWS is that AmberLily is coming over tomorrow. It’s the last time we’ll get to hang out with them before they move back to California, which is also good news (because that is home for them and where they most want to be) except that it means that we’ll miss them/won’t live semi-close to each other anymore. Keep your fingers crossed that we’ll all get rich someday or at least comfortable enough that we can visit each other often. Or at least pay off our credit cards and drive our beater van down the coast without worrying too much about how we’ll pay two dozen credit card bills if we break down and get stuck.

Even though it sucks that everyone’s strapped for cash these days and on the brink of losing everything, there’s something romantic about it, too. It makes everything feel more real. Shitty, but more real. That’s one of the seductive things about depression, I think, especially when you’ve had it your whole life . . . it just feels more real and like anything better would be fake. AND SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT, with all the smiling involved.

FYI: I don’t think putting this redesign of my blog on the front page of TastyTrixie.com has been good for business. So I guess publishing this gloomy post can’t make anything much worse. But seriously, I invite you to laugh, not cry – it won’t last forever and things are not as grim as they sound, captured here like this with a black and white photo. Though I am keeping comments closed on this one. I probably just, like, ate too much sugar this week or something.

Somebody (named Trev?) used a picture of my boobs to make an animation of them speaking lines from one of my favorite movies, G.I. Jane. My right boob is Demi Moore. My left boob is the commanding officer.

Thank you to TheAnonymousOne69 for tipping me off that this video exists. I don’t know why the fellow who made it can go to all that trouble of making my boobs talk but can’t spare the time to credit my boobs or the movie, but still . . . it’s certainly entertaining and somewhat flattering (which is sadly canceled out by the feeling of having my work and images of my body passed around without any credit going to me – I’m not one who needs people to beg for my permission for something like this or demands to be notified, all I ask is that the source — MY SITE/ME — is credited. Of course, I realize the guy who made it may not have known where it came from, but still, at some point, there is someone who knew who those boobs belong to and sent them out into the world without bothering to say they’re mine, perhaps the person who snagged that image from my site or someone after that — who knows; I don’t think people really understand how this feels unless they are naked on the internet or at least a photographer, writer, etc. who’s had their work “borrowed” without credit). Still, the video is much more fun than/not nearly as bad as the people who steal my pictures and use them to make ads on dating sites. Sigh.

The image is a still captured from the “Big League Boobs & Pee” videos in my members-only area that go along with this picture set of me in long socks, blowing bubbles:

My erect nipples under velour, pulling on long, thigh-high sock.

My natural boobs and thigh high socks.

Bumpy areola & wet gum.