TastyTrixie.com

Archive for January, 2010

I’ve got a new thing on our spycam and chat schedule: playing piano for half an hour on our spycams the last Sunday night of the month (tonight!) and chatting afterward.

It’s not a “concert” or a “show” and as with everything on our cams that’s not pay-by-the-minute, I won’t be taking requests. I probably won’t expose my genitals or fondle myself in an erotic manner, however it will be intimate. To me.

Members click here and head to SpyOnYou to watch/listen/chat. Stardust Piano Hour starts at 7 pm Pacific.

If you aren’t a member, but want to become one, JOIN HERE.

Note: the audio is via spycam broadcast, so not high fidelity / stereo/cd quality.

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We went to a Christmas party last month, new attendants in the middle of an old crowd where it’s traditional to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas and other songs and carols. Our friend was getting fed up with trying to accompany on the hosts’ keyboard, so I stepped in,  sat down and enjoyed it. It’s been SO LONG since I played piano in a room full of people.

I’m no virtuoso at playing piano and am really not good by pianist standards but I realized something at that party: I  am good ENOUGH that I shouldn’t avoid playing just because I know that I could be better or because people are better than I am or because there are so many beautiful and amazing things I *can’t* do or haven’t learned or practiced.

I have focused so much energy on cringing with shame over the things I can’t do that I *should* be able to do; I should be able to play by ear better, I should be able to sit down with a band and jam, I should have a whole repertoire of songs that I know by heart (actually, I should be embarrassed that I actually have never learned one. SINGLE. song by heart), all of my fingers should be equally strong and skilled, I should stop using the pedal so much to compensate for having small hands,  I make mistakes that hurt my ears, blah blah fucking blah. Oh god I would suck as a piano duelist!!

Here’s the thing, though. I was still the best piano player at that party. And unless every party I went to was a party for musicians only, that would frequently be the case.

How many people really know how to play piano? How many people in the world can actually play *better* than I can? What percentage of humans do I actually play *better* than? Why do I focus on the wrong things?

I don’t think the problem is that I really that I want to be the best at anything (I believe in the healing power of crystals and that Jesus Christ rose from the dead more than I believe it’s possible for me to come within sight of being the best at anything), but when I compare myself to people who do things excellently, what I can do with mediocrity seems useless. If there are lots of people doing something better than I do it, what’s the point of me wasting time on it? What can I contribute with my half-assedness? I guess the answer has always felt obvious to me: NOTHING. All that can be accomplished is embarrassment and time wasted on me that would’ve been better spent listening to someone do it better.

What a crock of negative shit!

I’m practicing to undo that crappy mindset of mine that’s plagued me with pretty much everything I do, that feeling that if I can’t excel at something and be in the top 5% at it, that I’m only be humiliating myself to spend time on it. As I get older I realize it’s asinine to think that *ANYthing* a person does can be more than mediocre. The only thing most of us can excel at is being ourselves, which is really only unique in a small very random sample so even “being myself” is a field with competition because we really are not so individually special. Except to ourselves. And our loved ones. And our communities that need our work and for us to try and to be where we’re at so maybe someone else can be the best in your own small circle.  So yeah. I’m going to let myself be special to myself. I want to tell my stories and use my voice and play songs and dance and stuff. And not throw away what I already know which is more than a whole lot of other people, even if it’s less than others. I want to stop thinking about who is better and who is worse. Instead I want to care about what I want, what makes me happy, what resources I have in the form of skills and interest and love. I want to care about what I what I want to get lost in and what is important. Music is one of those things.

So I’m going to play piano more, and even dare to let people hear me do it.

I need to stop thinking I should pick up the theremin so I don’t have to worry about the millions of people who are better at theramin playing than I am. I already know a lot about how to play the piano! If I want to play the theremin it should be because it’s totally fucking cool (and I want to make people fall in love with my hands), not because I’m afraid what I can already do (play piano) isn’t good enough.

We took a night off yesterday so I’m going to post this gallery tomorrow for members:

Hiding My Nakedness

We’re beginning a new tradition of taking one night off of work and the dog a month. For us, to get away from work, we actually have to leave the house, the webcams, the computers and the big camera. We board the dog at a nice farm-y kennel, and we get a room. Last month wasn’t as fun as this month because last time we did work while we were away and had to pack to shoot, get up early, etc.  / just one of the nights was “off”.

This time we didn’t have to pack ANYTHING except cozy clothes so getting out of the house was a lot easier and no-stress. We got a room at the Suquamish casino and arrived right before dusk with everything looking spooky and beautiful outside of the big windows of the hotel. We put on our bathing suits right away to take advantage of the swimming pool and hot tub.

Delia lounging by the pool

It was SO NICE! One of the benefits of staying at a casino in Washington (where it’s not really a destination for anything BUT gambling, unlike Vegas) must be that everyone else is at the tables and slot machines while the pool is totally EMPTY. We had the place all to ourselves, allowing Delia to shoot this upskirt shot while I read Wizard’s First Rule (as soon as I finish it we’re going to start watching Legend of the Seeker which I’ve been DYING to see; I’ve caught little pieces of it here and there, but wanted to watch it from the beginning with the background of having read the book):

Flashing my fantasy-loving twat by the pool.

We swam and we soaked, totally loving the big sunken hot tub outside. It was perfect with the cold winter air and rain in the dark, watching the drops fall in the water up to our chins. The only thing that sucked was not being able to be naked. It felt criminal, really — so unnatural and weird. How can you be outside in hot water at night breathing in all of that mist and wear a constricting swimsuit without feeling like a law is being broken? I don’t know. But it was worth it. I did consider taking my suit off, but it would have sucked to have gotten the boot with our evening barely started and I know I would’ve been nervous, looking around trying to be ready to frantically pull the fucker back on if anybody approached.

We totally overate while we were gone. The best thing we got was at Tizley’s Europub in Poulsbo this afternoon: their warm mustard-y German potato salad was delicious as fuck, and perfect with our bratwurst.

We were more than ready to come home and get back to work after barely being gone 24 hours, but the fucking bridge opened (meaning it CLOSED to vehicle traffic) right as we were about to head back so we went to “the fish park” to wait it out. I’m pretty sure that’s what the sign said, just “the fish park”. We enjoyed our little low tide stroll:

Romantic carvings at The Fish Park

Winter sky at The Fish Park

We Love Bats and Bat Houses!

I’m looking forward to whatever we decide to do on our February night off . . . maybe something involving less food and some museums or something like that. Or, better yet, some place with a hot tub outside where we’re allowed to be naked.

We shot a whole set of bushy pictures specifically to recreate one yummy vision of my bush visible beneath the hem of my short red skirt:

HNT: bush below short skirt from behind/bent over

I can’t overstate how fucking hot that image is. It could never get old/unsexy to me no matter how many variations of this pose and similar ensemble I were to be exposed to.

You can check out more Half Nekkid Thursday pics for this week here (links are in the comments).

Here are a few teaser thumbs to give you an idea of what the whole set is like up in my members-only area:

showing off my muff for members

I’m not hairy right at the moment, but I will be again (and in the meantime will shoot more “smooth” stuff for people who like it that way while also trying to keep things furry with stuff we shot during hairier times). I would like to get enough shaved content shot and queued up that I could have time to grow everything out again ALL THE WAY including my armpits and alternate between hairy and smooth updates because I am genuinely aroused by a variety of body hair “styles”.

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Note to members: we have camshows and members-only chat scheduled Friday – Saturday. Speaking of chat and cams, we’re in the process of making some slow improvements to our main spycam plugin. For now the only visible change is that we’re using “our” chatroom on that site now, so our members-only chats will be held there right on site. In the past that site was leased to other members-only areas so we weren’t able to “steal” their members by talking about our own sites. For now that’s not a problem.

In the long run we hope to have at least two or three different versions of that site (one for camgirls’ members, one for affiliates to promote and one non-compete version for leasing) and get the software and user interface improved to make it profitable again. We are still in the planning and fundraising stage and there are still quite a few unknown factors and variables. Overall, though, we’re very excited about the possibilities of realizing the long-overdue potential of our favorite adult spycam site. Fortunately we are not doing it alone; Mina and Joe are equally committed. UNfortunately, all of us are already attempting to do way too many jobs so we can’t focus nearly enough attention on this particular project.

Our spycam and behind-the-scenes portal for our members, SpyOnUs.com, for example, is now a big hot mess that I’m not sure how to fix. I hope to tidy up a few things before Saturday’s chat session, though.

How long can I feel this super groovy? I hope a looooong time! The memory/deja vu/hopeful-excited-magic feelings I mentioned last week are still here and I feel GREAT. So great that I’m almost worried that I’m losing my marbles and trying to figure out what to attribute these good feelings to.

Is it the B vitamins? The D’s? The pressure being lifted from IRS after being forced to resign myself to accepting and even embracing whatever bad things might happen? Our deliciously mild winter (that could fuck up the winter olympics in Vancouver if the Pacific Northwest doesn’t get more snow)? Getting rid of DirecTV and reading more and enjoying each other more? Our new sound therapy machine with the delta wave inducing sounds (I usually dream so much that I don’t get deep dreamless sleep: a symptom of low serotonin levels/depression)? Is it that I’ve lost some weight? Is it going to twelve-step meetings? Is it just that I’m reading more and I FUCKING LOVE TO READ?!?

I don’t know, but IT IS GOOD! So I’m going to try to enjoy it and not worry that there’s something wrong with me. Goes to show how unhealthy I’ve been for so long that when I feel terrific for more than three hours I think maybe the sky is falling.

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I picked up my new weighted hula hoop today for more high jinks on the spycams! I also have a bollycardio dvd that we rented which I’ve only gone through once and am looking forward to doing more of. It’s jolly/silly camwatching goodness.

Speaking of camwatching goodness, we enjoyed some fucking yesterday and I hope our voyeurs did, too.

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On Friday and Saturday we had a great visit with my sister, brother-in-law and nephews which contributed to my heightened sense of awareness and positivity. Hanging around a three year old and an easily-delighted baby with a huge grin and dimples is like bathing in a clarifying happiness. Music sounds better, everything looks newer and more interesting and mysterious, and I have an excuse to read books aloud that were read to ME when I was little.

And hey, on top of that there is all of this boundless LOVE. On top of just loving those little guys to pieces, the amount of unconditional love I get from them is totally amazing. I’m forced to love myself more just being around them, in part because they do not see flaws but also because I want to always model un-self-conscious confidence to them; they make me love  myself more.

Maybe that’s what’s going on with me lately . . . better brain chemistry. Getting better sleep. Getting rid of the television — maybe having more oxytocin like from being around my nephews and my sister, but also from cuddling Delia and really being TOGETHER in bed instead of just staring at the tube all of the time. Maybe I’m just being flooded with a lot of girl juice: the loving, bonding chemicals, not necessarily the sexy ones.

Cuddling never used to help me fall asleep — it was more something I liked to do for a few minutes BEFORE unsticking bodies and going to sleep on my own side of the bed. Bizarrely enough, I’m actually finally starting to understand how great if feels to fall asleep nestled up to Delia. If I get in her armpit with her arm around me and my nose on her upper tit, I now get an instant jolt of SOMETHING I’ve never had with anybody else. Seriously, it’s some kind of a drug injection that I do think has something to do with oxytocin. Whatever it is, it’s BLISS. Tranquilizing and emotionally/sensually stimulating all at the same time.

It’s still sort of weird and foreign to me so I mostly continue my years-entrenched habit of nestling into my own don’t-touch-me space to sleep, but I think I’m going to try to get more of that business more often. I might need to work on my initiation technique though which consists of awkwardly trying to lift her arm up and demanding she “let me in”.

A truly upper-half-naked animated webcam shot of me:

Oops! There goes my "shirt" . . .

You can check out more Half Nekkid Thursday pics for this week here (links are in the comments).

*****

A lot of people are remarking on the decline of porn as a money-making industry in the wake of the AVN awards and AEE (Adult Entertainment Expo which used to be called Internext when we went). I don’t agree with all of people’s pet theories and some of the observations are either wrong or irrelevant or both, but it’s true that the business model corporate porn and webcam sites are built on is not sustainable; it’s been a steady downward spiral ever since I started camming in the year 2000 but for reasons more complex than any of those “top five reasons” listed like “porn star hookers”, who have a sum total of zero impact on the profitability of porn, or, if anything, INCREASE its profitability.

As my webwhore years go by, I am more and more convinced that the really valuable, addictive, and marketable aspects of internet “porn” have nothing to do with quantity or technical quality or extreme degree of hardcore. I become more and more certain that the tiny, simple, grainy, daily, personal living intimacies are the only things that can possibly hold their value. Too bad they are made virtually invisible by the vast machinery of corporate porn and unrecognizable by the way people have been trained by industry standards and freebie jack-off habits (and devaluing porn whores to the point of giving live face time with them away for FREE) to not SEE it even when they do run across it. I’m not *completely* bashing corporate porn which in many ways is often delightful, just ruminating on how much more potent pixelated animated .gifs and lifecams continue to be for arousing the kind of attachments and naughty feelings that make people want to be lifetime members of a site and collectors of everything someone makes.

I would love to be able to maintain industry standards while also returning to emphasizing our live content and lo-fi personal stuff more, but it’s nearly impossible to attract any attention or have industry people take your work seriously if you aren’t making so much content that you’re able to give 75% of it away for free (and tolerate that the other 25% will be stolen). Instead of spending time being more creative and fucking and masturbating, I have to spend more and more time building “promos”, hoping to dump enough free stuff into the oceans of free stuff to get enough fans to sustain our work.

Note: I totally agree that online gaming and simplistic, yet addictive and time-consuming interactive this-and-thats are taking attention and money away from porn. If I could afford to hire programmers to make a mafia wars style “game” for our sites I think we’d be rolling in dough (I am seriously inspired by the fact that enough people pay to play those games to make them profitable – I’ve been learning a lot from studying the way those “games” work on people’s minds and wallets; those facebook/myspace games have no real value — none at all — yet people feel compelled to shell out oodles of time and money on them; fascinating! I can think of a bunch of ways to apply those principles to porn sites, but of course don’t have the time and money to implement them).

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I am late posting my update for members this week which makes me want to make it extra special, except the reason it’s late in the first place is that I didn’t feel like I had something the right degree of specialness to post on Monday. Mulling things over. And building promos in the meantime, of course.

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Good news: I called the IRS this morning and was reminded once again that GOVERNMENT BEAUROCRACY IS AWESOME. No, I’m not being sarcastic. When it comes to customer service, the people who work for the IRS are gold. They are ANGELS of mercy. TRULY HELPFUL. So our debt crisis is averted and for now we can keep making all of our payments on things (but obviously still need to magically make assloads more money by April).

Other good news: I don’t know if it’s the B vitamin shot I got on Monday or having my period and a cold or eating better or stretching and exercising or what the hell, but the past couple of nights I’ve wanted about three hours less sleep than usual and have been feeling GREAT (except for the cold symptoms).

In other words, life is good . . . all is well.

A quick post to share a couple of my favorite 12-second booty-shaking videos of our friend AmberLily:

I like U2, what about you? on 12seconds.tv

G’morning bootie shake! on 12seconds.tv

I do not have the athletic ass-shaking skills, but I *did* get some very nice feedback from a couple in Finland about one of my cutest and least appreciated assets: my jiggly TUMMY! I love our European members and I love reading compliments that are charmingly ESL (English as a Second Language, or probably one of many):

Hi Trixie,

You have a lot of great pics in members area. Your body is very beautiful and you have cute face, also without make-up. It´s also really sensuous to see your hairy twat and armpits, especially. As well your tits are just perfect such as your shiny, slim 10 points legs. Butts…they are so incredible…and hips miraculous womanly. But guess what…? Best part of your perfectness is belly. Frankly i can say it´s one of sexiest and pictoresquest belly that i have ever seen. My wife also like to watch your pics, and she thinks that your wonderful woman.

Thanks for making my day with that email (and to everyone else who writes; I just happened to be struck by the loveliness of this one today and felt like sharing)!

I’m so excited that the days are starting to get longer even though it’s still the middle of winter. At least we’re over the hump!

After going years and years without getting a cold, I finally came down with one. Delia had it first and I thought I was going to make it unscathed so I could keep bragging about how I’m super-immune, but alas, not this time. My head is all stuffed up and achey, ears plugged, throat sore and dry, nose chapped & plugged then alternately running . . . and weirdly, I’m kind of enjoying it. It gives me bodywide memories without a lot of pictures of years past, like the feeling of being a kid home from school with grandma bringing me chicken noodle soup in bed. Of having stacks of library books filled with exciting stories and every single one of them new and nothing cliche. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m pretty sure these feelings are of freedom and excitement or enthusiasm for the future, that whole “ignorance is bliss” sensation of being a kid. Not that being a kid was BLISS for me (I wouldn’t relive my childhood or teenage years for a million dollars), but there were elemental emotions that are hard to experience as an adult. Somehow having a head cold is giving me tastes of them.

We also got rid of DirecTV / our DVR. We’re about a year overdue for that cancellation and after just a few days I already feel more in-the-moment. We’re going back to our method of just Netflixing stuff we want to see. It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes just not having to fast forward through the commercials; I get so much more relaxed so much more quickly that I don’t feel like watching much. And not constantly worrying that the DVR only has 18% space left and we’re going to MISS something or something will be ERASED . . . what craziness.

Since I know you’ll ask: I continue to resist watching tv via the internet (ex. hulu) for a number of reasons, partly because we don’t have a good interface between our pc’s and our tv (and there is no way I’m going to sit at a computer and watch “tv” — I spend enough hours at the computer for work). Also, most of our bandwidth is eaten up by our 24/7 spycams and all of the work-oriented uploading we have to do. We bought one episode of Gossip Girl on itunes and couldn’t get the pc-to-tv connection to work right, had to waste that time downloading, etc. It just wasn’t relaxing and felt like MORE WORK.

Also, I really need to stay away from ads. All of the stuff competing for my attention on the internet literally saps my brain’s strength. And any food advertisements? Those fuck me up so bad – I have no willpower over burger commercials late at night. It’s like a switch is flipped inside me and I have to eat SOMETHING . . . ANYTHING when the television or any kind of monitor presents me with suggestive and colorful mouth-watering food pictures.

So yeah . . . I pretty much spent today in bed with my cold and my period. My members-only update is going to be late (I was hoping we might shoot a stuffed-up-and-sneezing blowjob video, but I’m not sure if we can pull that off . . . I’ll see how my symptoms progress tomorrow; I know some of you are going to be like, “WTF?? Why would I want to see THAT?”, but that kind of stuff is fetish gold AND it makes me horny).