TastyTrixie.com

Archive for May, 2010

Taken around dinnertime today in our backyard:

5:37 PM, May 29th, 2010 - Wet Whiskery Budding Poppy

There are lots more poppies in this part of Washington than where I grew up and my favorites are the huge salmon-colored ones, like the one above just starting to unfurl. I’ve had my eye on it the past week or so; it’s the only one we have in our yard, and like everything else in our yard seems to be there by accident.

It’s Memorial Day weekend, which is a big ole get-drunk-for-three-days kind of deal to most people, which is a small part of why I’ve been celebrating the drizzle for the past five days and the forecast for five more days of the same. Because I’m a disapproving asshole who hates the way most people celebrate this holiday and the way they don’t appreciate (and even resent) the rain. Where we live the rain hasn’t been the kind that would ruin doing stuff outside; it’s the perfect kind that invites people like me outside into it while the other kinds of assholes avoid it.

But I haven’t gone out in it the way I wish I could would. We have too much work to do. I know not much of it seems to be showing up, but I have *great* beginnings on so much of it! And then I run out of steam or have to divert my steam to starting something else. We did shoot and post this video for members to jack off to and I hope to post another one tomorrow. We have to shoot as much content as possible before Delia’s surgery and also try to promote our sites so we can actually make sales. Not a lot of time left for other stuff without mind loss, but I have spent time looking out the windows. It’s been beautifully and consistently overcast without constant rain so the birds are still active and I can gaze outside without a bunch of glaring sunshine giving me a headache.

While I drove home from the store today I wound up behind some drunk jackass in a giant, perfectly-clean pickup truck, weaving all over the road in both lanes and the shoulder. I just laid on the horn, like “hooooooooooooooooonk . . . . hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk” for five blocks at 25 miles per hour. It was a meaningless gesture of hatred: a fortuitous opportunity to express some of my distaste for the world. I actually laughed when I read the “breaking news” that BP’s “top kill” approach failed. Did anybody honestly think that would work anyway? Whatever.

On other news of the day: I love watching Dennis Hopper movies, but as a human being he’s NOT somebody I looked up to in an off-screen kind of way. I mean, YES, I may fantasize about a threesome with me, Paul Newman and Dennis Hopper in their primes, but in real life Dennis Hopper probably deserves to be ass-raped all the way to hell and back. Google “Roman Polanski” and “Dennis Hopper” if you want to know ONE reason why.

*****

Shit. I really just wanted to post a pretty picture of a flower and write about how sweet the wet grass feels swishing around my ankles but alas . . . my attitude took a turn for the worse this evening and it makes me feel a little better to leach out some of the poison. It sucks because after writing a post like this I feel relief and am able to see and let go of some of my negative emotions, but by preserving them on my blog I’m probably making other people’s days feel ugly when they came here to feel GOOD. On the other hand, I know a lot of people are feeling depressed and helpless so

Okay, this isn’t going anywhere and I have two choices: delete or publish. And since I haven’t been posting much I’m just going to hit publish because posting something crappy is better than posting nothing as long as I don’t make it a long streak of crappy posts which reminds me: do you know what happens if you eat too many cashews? We covered up the spycams in the bedroom temporarily when we got an eyeful of the orange oil slick on the mattress. It didn’t smell, it just looked like someone spilled taco grease on the bed.

JUST LOOK AT THE FLOWER AND IGNORE ALL OF THE REST! The flower is real, its greens are whiskery, and the raindrops are like the most perfect drops of fake acrylic water to make it look more real and taking pictures of stuff that looks so real that it looks like the best fake is what nature photography is all about! blah blah blah accepting hugs now.

Speaking of raindrops and Paul Newman, did you know that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Easy Rider are, like, the same movie and came out the same year? So envisioning having sexual relations with Paul Newman and Dennis Hopper at the same time isn’t really random at all.

I’m getting better at recording ideas as they come to me, developing a system.

We know a guy in town who nearly wrapped up writing his novel and also had a system for compiling all of his stacks of inspiration-containing idea-notes weekly. His novel and many years’-worth of weekly compilations were stored on his computer at the offices of the non-profit he ran saving seeds of native and/or rare plants.

One night the building burned down. He had no back ups of his his novel or his notes.

He and his wife sold his car to someone we know, who then gave the car to us for free. I wonder if it’s bad luck to drive it. I feel like I need to compile years of stacks of notes-on-envelopes now, back them all up and store them in three different places.

Until I get a fireproof system in place there’s no point in even STARTING to write a novel. But maybe since I would never say “novel”, only “I’m writing a book” (and would never even say that to anyone even if I WERE writing one), maybe that would protect me.

I’m not sure, but I think a lot of the seeds were duplicated elsewhere so all was not lost in that department. I can’t remember what he called his note-compilation ritual, but I think I have it written down somewhere on the back of an envelope. Lately I’ve had to stop myself from searching for that because I don’t really need to know what he called it. I could email him or even call, but I don’t know him that well so to my mind searching through shitloads of scribbled-on papers seems the more sensible thing to do, but obviously not sensible enough that I’ll allow myself to do it.

His wife collects the jokers from decks of playing cards. That’s almost everything I know about them.

Note: I really am not writing a book, and most of my ideas aren’t FOR books. This post isn’t a hint of any kind, it’s more of a confession  about my idea-hoarding compulsion.

We just got home from spending four nights in California. Delia is now settled on who she wants to perform her breast augmentation and what kind and size and procedure she wants, so that’s very exciting! All we have left to do now is 1) shoot a whole bunch of content of her to post while she’s healing and 2) schedule her surgery.

I’m going to download the photos we shot in our hotel room now, then curl up in bed.

Note: that little “all we have to do now” assessment is a gross understatement/very narrow view of what’s actually on our to-do list, but I am committed to sticking with my plan to work a healthy, normal number of hours so if there’s something you want me to do and I don’t get around to it quickly (or ever) it’s not because I don’t want to or don’t think it’s important, it’s because there’s just too much stuff to be done and not enough webwhore brainz/energy in our house to do them!

This permanently wind-bent tree is one of my favorite local characters to check out daily as a stable reference to compare the sky, Olympic mountains and atmosphere:

Cloud wave threatens to submerge bent tree

The sky has been full of abundantly detailed clouds over the past month including more anvil-shaped cloud formations than I’ve ever seen in my life (at the end of March I saw *two* HUGE ones lit up in sunset colors while on Whidbey Island — I’ve never seen anything like them in my life that I can recall — didn’t have the camera, though).

evergreen in black and white

We actually shoot a lot of unpeopled, g-rated photos. I always mean to edit/resize/post them, but go wind up putting them on the backburner because they’re not “interesting” enough until they’re outdated / don’t represent a here-and-now image of our surroundings and then they seem completely irrelevant for sharing. Anyway, I shot these mere MINUTES ago. It’s not porn, but I love what I see in different ways every day from our backyard.

Blue sky, fluffy May clouds and Olympic Mountains

We’ve got webcam shows scheduled tonight (Friday) and tomorrow (Saturday) plus members-only chat tomorrow.

I know, I totally need to make a page for members and  non-members that clarifies how/where to see these shows and figure out what time they’re at as quickly as possible. It’s on the to-do list, but pretty clouds and even more obviously important stuff interrupt daily! See you there?

My girlfriend is getting bigger boobs!!

Yeah, old news to some of you, but I don’t think I’ve blogged about it yet so I’m taking this opportunity to celebrate and share the news with you. We’re taking a trip next week for Delia to get consultations with a couple of out-of-state surgeons so the reality is setting in that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN and I’m getting very excited about it.

Yes, I love the puffy-nipple hormone titties Delia has now and I was very VERY excited about those growing in, but I surprised myself by feeling sort of conflicted about her little puberty-boobs. And you can kind of see why, can’t you, when I go into dirty-old-man-speak like that, right? You know I am a sucker for taboo role plays and the idea of pert buds of breasts, but sometimes I gross myself out getting off on that when they’re so REAL. It feels like I’m doing something criminal when I fondle them and I haven’t had the time or courage to really work that out yet. And now? I DON’T HAVE TO! Because my girlfriend is getting implants!! Unambiguously GROWN-UP boobs!

Underneath the cherry excitement of having a girlfriend about to get big fancy titties, there has been a foundational experience making it possible: having a special donor/philanthropist/able investor/friend come forward and send Delia THOUSANDS of dollars. And when none of the Pacific Northwest docs friends referred her to would do boob jobs on transsexuals and seeing that things were going to cost more? He stepped up and sent THOUSANDS MORE so we can make this trip and find the right doctor and make sure she gets the beautiful jugs she deserves and I dream she’s dreamed of.

I feel like I’m exploiting Sweet T. by publicly talking this way about the money he sent, but trust me, I do it with adoration and a wriggle of shivery delight (and imagine the words “adoration and a wriggle of shivery delight” being spoken in his delicious accent). I know this is the kind of story that makes chicks feel excited, happy for each other, and not just a little jealous. It’s the kind of story you WANT to read in a webwhore blog and know that it’s not a lie or crazy fantasy someone made up.

Some of you might be too jaded to appreciate this with purity, but it’s honestly an experience that reminds me (again) that there are people with money (some more, some less) who really want to use it to make people happy and give someone they admire something she longs for. Yeah, there’s the bonus of seeing the new boobies and having a hand in crafting an element of someone else’s experience, but with something as straightforward as boobs . . . I don’t know how to describe it without using the word pure. It’s very tangible and direct.

It’s exciting, because of the gifts AND because we’re sharing the excitement with someone else . . . it’s magnifying the experience, drawing it out of the mundane of doctor appointments and personal responsibilities and worries that would otherwise bog it down. Knowing that Tom is excited about the outcome and taking care of the most worrisome aspect of it leaves us free to enjoy the process and look forward to the results. It’s like a fun movie or fairy tale or something . . . more like what I think people outside of our internet porn world IMAGINE our lives are like all the time as chicks with our own porn sites. It’s affirming and a relief to have a story we can tell friends and family that actually lives up to their more positive expectations and wild imaginings (people mistakenly assume having your own internet porn site means fortune and large numbers of fans).

Note: I do not want to discount all of the people who send us smaller gifts and contributions — you are appreciated and definitely not forgotten, and there were many of you who helped with Delia’s boob job fund. The amount of people who support us and our work is profound in our lives, even if it hasn’t made us rich. All of you have made us want to keep doing it. And getting thousands of dollars at one time from one person? Just helps solidify our commitment / the feeling that it’s worth it. Again, though, I don’t want you to think we don’t notice some of our long-time members who have spent thousands of dollars on us over the years. Thank you!

Yesterday marked a very special occasion on the girl-getting-breast-augmentation journey; Delia bought her first dress especially to go with and show off the bigger boobs she’s getting. Oh good lord, that was exciting. Maybe more for me than her . . . I was practically fucking salivating thinking about how gorgeous she’ll look in that dress and what her tits are going to look like in that flimsy fabric and WHAT THEY’LL LOOK LIKE AFTER I POUR WATER ALL OVER HER AND GET THEM DRIPPING WET AND YOU CAN SEE HER HARD NIPPLES THROUGH THE FABRIC and then Delia started laughing at me because I was pawing at the air in circles, middle finger tracing her erect nipples in the sky, as I described my enthusiasm for these near-future visions of hotness.

So yeah, buying the dress to go on the new boobs definitely amped up my giddiness. Weeks ago I actually wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t rather be able to go to Disneyland instead, but the dress clinched it — boobs totally trump Space Mountain.

*****

I don’t know if posts like these surprise people who think I’m all “NATURAL BODIES OR DIE!!” (and take the culture thieves at Disney with you!) I do wish for more acceptance of and appreciation for natural bodies (and especially less open revulsion/disgust) and I do think cosmetic surgery is very problematic and dangerous and worth thinking/talking about critically (meaning with your thinking cap on, not just negatively shredding apart) and overall WAY WAY WAY WAY TOO COMMON, like it’s fucking endemic to being a first world woman over thirty, but oh man, I do love some artifice and craftiness, too. I’m not saying it makes all or even most women look “better” (not at all), I am just acknowledging that it makes them look different and I am not bothered by those differences as a default. And sometimes I really admire the differences and appreciate that plastic aesthetic (and would a lot more if it weren’t so fucking ubiquitous).

What I mean to say is that when Delia got her first (and only so far) Botox injections a few months ago IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. Even though I was there when she did it and should’ve made the connection, about a week afterwards and for a month from then I was blown away whenever I looked at her, like OHMYGODyou’reSOlovely I COULD WEEP! And I didn’t recognize it as “that botox is really working wonders”, it was just that she looked like she always does but with a special softer glow. It was like a really subtle, masterful, living-and-breathing photoshop effect. She only got it around her eyes, brows and bridge of her nose and it was really cool. I don’t know why they’re saying Botox is going out of style, because it seems quite splendid to me.

But I know it’s really terrible to spend money on that when there are children starving in Africa everywhere. On the other hand, it is our job to be attractive and Delia never got to be a young woman while she was young, so fuck that guilt.

*****

I was also going to blog about Delia’s internal penis bumps, but this entry got out of hand length-wise so I’ll save it for next time. I know, I utilize the most erotic turns of phrase to keep you checking back for more.

Over the weekend (on May Day) the members area of my site (TastyTrixie.com/members) turned eight years old!

Here are some pictures from this year’s and last year’s May Day galleries:

Wearing a white corset outside: May Day 2010

I *loved* these pictures last year; they made me fall in love with myself (an important state of mind to be in for a webwhore):

It's like magic! And cleavage! And whirling!

My freckled shoulders, curly hair and big natural boobies!

This year’s set wasn’t so good, but it was all worth it to get charming shots like this favorite of mine:

Spreading May Day cheer!

So after eight years you might wonder how the indie porn site business is holding up, and the answer is NOT SO GREAT! I’m still optimistic though because there are so many things I know I could do (or do better or do more often) to boost business.

The only “problem” is I’m becoming more realistic after all these years and recognize I can’t do it all and maybe it’s not really possible for us to do more! better! and more often! It even got to the point where I seriously considered focusing solely on promoting and shooting for DeliaTS.com and putting updates and promotion for all of our other sites, including TastyTrixie.com, on hiatus. We are trying to do the jobs of too many people.

The past few weeks I’ve shifted my approach to work a little bit by

1) using to-do list software (both Swift To-Do List and Daily To-Do List). It’s helping me prioritize and sort my ideas and tasks.

2) making a 40 hour work week a goal / forcing ourselves to take days off like normal people expect to do with good jobs.

I use a timer with a stopwatch to keep track of when I’m working. In the notes section of Daily To-Do List I keep track of the hours I’ve worked and what I’ve accomplished. Yes, it’s very wage-slavey, but it’s more manageable (and more rewarding) than feeling like WORK IS NEVER EVER DONE! BITCH, KEEP WORKING KEEP WORKING TEN TWELVE FOURTEEN HOURS A DAY YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T REST BECAUSE THERE’S JUST SO MUCH!!!

I am beginning to accept that if we can’t succeed by working a humane number of hours and allowing ourselves time OFF that IT ISN’T WORTH IT.

And that’s where the fear/knowledge comes in that I am going to have to give up doing some things I’m very attached to because it isn’t realistic to think I can do them all. Spiritually (? or emotionally or psychologically or whatever word you’re comfortable with) this is an important confrontation to have with myself and reality. I suspect there might be a life of bliss (with lots of time spent checking out books at the library and reading in the grass) awaiting me on the other side of this confrontation but I’m still balking at it and refusing to let go.

I wonder if it’s normal to take a decade to resolve this conflict between what you WANT to do and what you CAN do and still be healthy. Ten years sounds like a long time, but I think it might be about right. I figure I still have two or three years before life finally batters me into submission so for now my site is not on hiatus. Who knows? Maybe my timer-and-to-do-list-software scheme will actually make me more productive because I’m not so psyched out and overwhelmed trying to do everything all the time.

One thing I did let go of is driving myself crazy trying to be RELIABLE at posting a new picture gallery or porno video every week in my members-only area. Instead I’m focusing on posting more frequently (multiple times a week) in my new members-only blog with more uniquely personal and candid stuff like vlogs, webcam snaps, behind the scenes stuff, fantasies and other intimate thoughts I don’t want to post in the open here in my free blog, etc. Things got interrupted a bit with the dog dying and some other stuff we have going on (that I may or may not blog about here, but you can hear all about in my vlogs) but after a couple of months of doing things this way I believe it will take off and be more addictive/unique for members.

Obviously I will still do the regular porn stuff of high res photo galleries and videos but I am releasing myself from the pressure of thinking “reliable” is more important than “personal”. Because in the long run I’ve NEVER read a testimonial like, “I’m very aroused by the way Trixie is so RELIABLE.” I have, however, been told a number of times that people would maintain their membership even if all they got was the blog (and/or the spycams).

I pretty much think my “porn” is virtually worthless without the personality, especially with so much competition online, so that is what I’m going to make top priority on my site and the feeling of it being alive with more frequency and easily-digested candid content (albeit with *possibly* a *little* less standard porn site fare POSSIBLY . . . we’ll see how it plays out — I think it will wind up being the same quantity in that department once I get on a roll). The people who love me and my site tend to gravitate towards the bloggier, vloggier, twittier, webcammier, embarrassing confessions, taboo weirdness and daily details stuff (along with panties panties UPSKIRTS and panties!).

Over the years it’s started to feel like I had to make porn to meet porn industry standards — to be digestible in a standardized (though less consistently hardcore) way — so that porn site reviewers and other people promoting our sites would be able to sell my site. It has gotten to the point where we shoot HUGE galleries of a zillion photos less because we think that’s what our members want or because it’s more valuable that way, but because we need to have more promo material and because that’s how people assess the value of porn sites: how many pics are in your galleries? How HUGE are the pictures? How many formats do your videos come in? How often do you add another HUGE photo gallery? It’s pretty fucking boring and totally ignores the CONTENT of the content. And what is the point anyway when all of those things are the easiest to steal? I want to focus on the stuff people can’t steal or is less desirable to the people who steal content. I’m sick of feeling like we’re shooting things to make webmasters happy instead of ourselves and our members who really dig us (fortunately there are some webmasters who dig me/get me as is).

Sometimes I look at the stuff I did back in 2001 when I didn’t have a clue what a porn website was “supposed” to look like or offer, and I miss it/love it/want to do it that way again (but better and less stupid in some aspects). I can’t find the earlier version of this that talked about wanting my site to be like the magazines you’d stuff under your mattress, but I want to get back to that. Here’s one old version though (which of course I would change in some ways, but want to revive the spirit of in other ways):

One of my first attempts at a members-only area

I do not, however, want to repeat some of my earlier horrifying uber-cheesy design mistakes like this one from 2001:

I was *so* proud of my red licorice design!

What can I say? It was the turn of the century! And they didn’t even let our screen names be long enough for me to spell my name correctly! Aahh, those were the days . . . and all these years later the porn industry STILL doesn’t “get” camgirls which is how they’ve managed to destroy that platform for us as a way of making really good money and connections. Yeah, I’m getting off track and onto that bitter old webwhore lament . . .

Anyway, the point is that I want to pull some of the purity of my old personality porn into 2010 and approach working in a realistic way that’s personally rewarding. I’m not sure if it’s possible, though, considering how much time I have to sink into promotion and the technical aspects of maintaining our sites and cams, etc. Just as one three example(s): there is nothing pornographically fun or personally rewarding about spending hours dealing with Blogger pulling the rug out from under those of us who FTP our blogs or with searching high and low for my router password so I can modify all of the settings because our cable company decided to fuck with my IP address AGAIN or with getting set up with additional payment processors because one of them is scrubbing so hard you think they’re trying to erase you from their roster of clients. There’s precious little time left over after those kinds of bullshit that I am TOTALLY FUCKING SICK OF. It’s not all sex and games and horny-girl-diary-entries here, it’s a lot of technical minutiae.

I think I blew all of my really-hard-working years (nonstop, no personal time except for ramen and sleep) working for other people and on not knowing what I was doing. I’m almost forty and I’m done with that.

Note: I have a feeling this post might be stupid, but part of being realistic is hitting “publish” without trying to make every fucking thing perfect. Thanks for understanding and putting up with years of me wrestling with these same challenges of self-employment as an internet sex worker and webmaster.