It’s a grey afternoon, above and on my body. The vine maple behind me likes it:
I’m wearing my new cozy birthday-present sweats that stevi got me – thank you for picking out the most unglamorous thing on my wishlist that I really really needed!
These kinds of sweat-pants are part of my daily do-everything uniform and I think people in town will be glad I have a pair now that doesn’t include a hole in the crotch. Also: they’re super soft inside!
Note: I’m sorry that I haven’t made a blog entry and/or posted pics of everything people have gifted me – it’s not something I promise to do, but it IS something I *like* to do.
If I haven’t gotten around to you or one/some of the things you’ve lavished me with, it’s not because I don’t appreciate it or you. It’s also not because I tackle them in a prioritized/ranked list of who sent the bestest or most expensive present or is most-loved. It *is* often because I have grand (sometimes undoable) plans to take pictures and/or write something that will really do the goodies justice, and that takes time & resources I rarely have right away upon receipt. Sometimes it even depends on the weather. Example: Shrdlu bought me an awesome pair of coveralls – I love them BIG TIME. I love them SO MUCH I want any/all pictures I take wearing them to be super duper awesome, which requires the right place, the right time, and the right complimentary accoutrements. That’s kind of ridiculous, but that’s who I am. There are gifts that wound up in pictures in my members-only area many months and even YEARS after I received them. I think it’s been at least a year since I got the coveralls, and many other fine things.
I’m sorry to say that there are also many gifts people have sent me that I’ve loved very much and never acknowledged at all. But there are ZERO gifts I’ve gotten that didn’t touch me or make me feel special or that I just tossed to the side as though they were meaningless or without value (though if I were more “famous” and got more gifts, I can imagine it becoming that way). I’m sorry if you’ve sent me something and you wound up feeling that way; I know that is disappointing even if you weren’t asking for or expecting anything in return. It might not seem like it, but I do know what that feels like!
I often contemplate what the best “policy” is on gifts and how best to communicate it. I haven’t come up with a perfect solution, but it’s a part of life, sex work, modes of expression, and the human experience in general that I’m endlessly fascinated by. I don’t think there’s a perfect or guaranteed-emotionally-safe-and-rewarding-and-realistic-for-everybody approach to giving and receiving gifts. Even if there were, I think you’d have to make it your full-time job to perfectly execute it (and some people DO, and my hat goes off to them).
I know that it’s impolite/bad form to take over a year (or sometimes even YEARS) to thank somebody. I also know I didn’t even call my mom on Mother’s Day (or SINCE then, even) or get her anything so in that regard and with work in general (oh my god how outdated is SpyOnUs.com?!? etc. to infinity), I do have to prioritize and most things I want to or should do can’t possibly make it onto my TOP priority for each day list.
I also know that I’ve done my best (and will keep trying to do better) to not promise to do things or lead people to expect things I can’t deliver. And I cringe inside at things I *have* promised or led people to look forward to and didn’t/haven’t delivered. Not because I wasn’t/am not sincere, but because I am over-enthusiastic and unrealistic about how much time and brains and ability I do/don’t have (and how much time in a day/week needs to be devoted to life-and-sanity-maintenance endeavors), so some stuff gets squeezed out. If I forget something I said I wanted to do, it’s not because I didn’t/don’t want to do it, it’s because it got elbowed into the sidelines by a constantly-refreshing jumble of tons and tons of things I want to do. And that should be part of why you like me in the first place!!
One of my special traits is that I actually DO pull out and use the ideas and stuff and to-do’s I hoard. I maintain internal enthusiasm and love (and guilt and anxiety) for a fuck ton of stuff and people and concepts. I am pretty inaccessible and appear unresponsive and to not be making progress by normal social terms, but I have and continue to mine resources (both tangible and internal ones).
It’s hard to predict when they’ll materialize, but I press and poop out that mined stuff into little golden nuggets of variable value from time to time that would have been lost or not even processed by most people’s machines. Their wonderfully efficient, productive, reliable machines.
At the end of my life, I’d love to have a time-lapse movie depicting the conveyor belt at the end of my brain’s assembly line. There are huge spans of time where the belt just loops and loops and loops with no product being conveyed (and maybe you get glimpses of me and my crazed clones building and jamming up and scratching our heads looking at and feeding materials into and retooling all the other machines in the plant), but in totally unpredictable fashions, little things plop out. Made out of funny stuff where I’ve synthesized things other people don’t usually mix together. Usually for good reason, and the plops on the conveyor belt aren’t in a form that’s suitable for shipment.
IT’S HARD TO FIND THINGS IN MY WAREHOUSE but there’s a lot of variety in there. Not enough stock to meet demand when demand arises (also unpredictably), though (plus I forget to even go in there because I have MACHINES to attend to and INGREDIENTS to mix and sometimes I just stand there and look at all of the parts spinning or get sidetracked making minute adjustments). But I like to think that if I’m lucky enough to keep going, that some interesting stuff will plop out onto the conveyor belt at the end of my line. I totally like the movies where everything runs smoothly on the line and everything that plops out is perfect and uniformly made exactly to spec. But I think it would be fun to watch movies like mine, too. And actually in my movie if you put it all on the line, we’re plopping out some lumpy cookies and colored doohickies on a pretty regular basis, too. AND MY SHIT IS RUNNING ALL NIGHT, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK – there’s always someone in there working, something at least being tinkered with, some machines going.
I’m actually really really disappointed that I can’t see this movie of my life and other’s lives. I’m also kind of embarrassed wondering what this blog entry would look like on the line and if Quality Control would just roll her eyes, chuck it, and resume filing her nails and snapping her gum waiting for the next random gooey turd or stale fortuneless glitter-cookie to be transmitted via dull black rubber to her in a week or three months. I would totally run down there right now and tell her it was a mistake so sorry still fine tuning didn’t know she was down here “you should clock out and take a day off, honey” while I fished it out of the garbage with tongs and put it into a shoebox.
I also think if you were watching this/my assembly line movie you wouldn’t fuck with me or interfere with my machines or ask me silly questions like “when will it be done” or “how does it all work” when you could see with your own eyes that this shit is custom and complex. AND I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU ANYWAY. And some of the machines are held together with rubber bands and shoelaces – if you distract me with some dumbass advice about how I could get it all to conform to normal factory standards, sharp pieces of metal are liable to hurtle out and shave off your face before I even got done saying, “are you fucking kidding me?!”.
That’s okay if you can’t answer with your face shaved off like that. It was a rhetorical question, anyway.