CONFESSIONS OF A SLOB
I can honestly say that I hate housework with every fibre of my being.

I hate the stirring of dust provoking allergies, I hate the harshness of soaps on my hands, I hate the overwhelming piles of crap a pack-rat like myself has no chance of ever organizing. I hate vaccuum bags, mold spores, and discoveries of things that belong in another room, not the one you're cleaning. I hate wasting my time on something so stupid when there are other people who seem to attack such tasks with an organized zippiness that I will never ever ever discover inside of myself.

Basically what I hate is that I'm a slob. There's no other way to phrase it. What I really hate about housework is how it forces me to confront so many of my weaknesses. It brings me face to face with the chaos inside my head. My inability to commit to simple rituals. My insurmountable tendency to procrastinate. My clumsiness and physical sensitivities. My distractibility. My inability to prioritize. My tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up. My insecurities that people who see my sloppiness will certainly be disgusted with not only my poor housekeeping skills, but with ME.

There are definitely times when I enjoy housework in spite of myself but these instances are less frequent than incidents of spontaneous combustion.

Verily I say unto you, if I can ever afford it I will have a fucking housecleaner. One of those horrible jolly types who lives for lysol and looking up her own skirt off of the reflective shine of a freshly scrubbed floor.
posted by Trixie at 5/31/2003 05:22:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
EARTHQUAKE
Check it out on my other ugly blog.
posted by Trixie at 5/30/2003 11:00:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
CONGRATULATIONS, BODY
My body is doing me proud -- period started twenty minutes ago right on the 28th day in accordance with "normality". My PMS is not fully flushed away though -- I am feeling quite cranky . . . I cancelled my SexCamCentral show because I am getting too crampy to have fun with a masturbation show for today. I think I'm just going to get back into bed and enjoy my cramps but you are welcome to pop into chat and see if I'm there.
posted by Trixie at 5/30/2003 02:27:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
WHEREVER YOU CAN FIND ME
Here are a couple new places I'm writing distractedly:
Not Your Average WebWhore on Adult.Backwash.com
Port of Call (my online place-focused blog).

I am DYING to find time to learn more about making beautiful graphics in photoshop, using cascading style sheets on my webpages, etc. Tooooooooo much stuff. But I'd rather feel excited about TOO many things than not feeling excited about anything at all. I just wish that I could do it all right now . . . right away.

I'm trying to work harder on dream incubation. I am so sick of anxiety-riddled dreams. If I'm going to have anxiety-riddled dreams, I at least want them to be set on a luxurious old-fashioned train. So that's my new focus -- dreams about train travel. I'd love to blog on about this . . . but I need to shut my eyes for a bit before showercam & chat.

I have severe pms and believe my period may start any second now.

Labels: dreams

posted by Trixie at 5/30/2003 01:42:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
QUICKIE
Just a quick note to let you know what's up for tomorrow:

Upcoming Events for Members:
ShowerCam & Chat Friday 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
SHOW Friday 5-6 pm Pacific Time (with post-show chat 6-6:30).
Click on the SexCamCentral link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

We had a fun evening (although spent way too many hours in traffic & just traveling in general) in my hometown with my family. My little sister entertained us with comical and gruesome nursing stories while Mommy entertained with mocking stories about life amongst yuppies.

Both my mom and sister thought those domestic-violence ads were great and should have been aired on television. Hmmm. . . interesting.
posted by Trixie at 5/29/2003 11:23:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
LILO & STITCH
We have a wonderful change of pace in store for us . . . Lilo & Stich is the next movie we have slated to watch. But first tomorrow we have a horrid task of driving all the way to my hometown to pick up some furniture. Houseboy doesn't know it and indeed I only began to suspect the real reason my sister offered to help us (with some help from her big Norwegian boyfriend): she thinks we're going to move my dad's rolltop desk to our house until the day when she can claim it. Ummm. No I don't think so. I hate being manipulated into shit like this. That desk is going to break their fucking backs and there won't be enough room in the truck for the stuff we're getting AND that motherfucking desk. Ugh. It seems like everytime I get together with my family I am fucking premenstrual and ready to KILL. When my sister offered to help us all she said was, "oh I'll be out there too because I have some things to pick up too". "Things" sound innocuous enough . . . a huge ridiculous desk that weighs as much as a baby elephant is not just a trifle or little box of pictures. Ugh!!!!!

Well tomorrow morning I'm going to do some news flash from so please PLEASE bring some real current events. You know, things that are important to know.

Upcoming Events for Members:
News FLASH! 10-11 am Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.
posted by Trixie at 5/28/2003 11:10:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THE PORNOGRAPHY OF VIOLENCE
Warning: this entry is littered with "etc."

These are some loosely articulated thoughts I've been mulling over and want to write more about later. A lot of my defensiveness about porn stems less from thinking porn is THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD and totally harmless (which is how too many people understand my porn-positivism) and more that it's a scapegoat and unfairly targeted for criticism, legislation, etc. more than other forms of art/entertainment/media that I think are just as (if not more) dangerous, offensive, exploitative, sensationalistic, etc. than porn.

The other day I read a very juicy phrase: "the pornography of disability". It was used in reference to freak shows -- the exploitation of "disability". The phrase could be applied in so many ways with so much more truth and horror than the term "pornography" by itself. This way of qualifying "pornography" gets to the meat of my defense of porn and criticism of our societal hypocrisy. The real pornography in our culture is on tv, in mainstream books, on billboards, on the radio, and shoved down our throats regardless of our age and our desire to consume the shit. Child exploitation, violence, abuse, trauma, death, all of these things are sensationalized and capitalized on in pop culture/mainstream media. But we don't call it pornography because it's not marketed as jack-off material. Whatever. Think about how many women are addicted to tv talk shows that regularly revolve around lurid tales of abuse, incest, emotional trauma, blah blah blah. Tell me that's not fueling mental wanking. We get off on that shit even if we're not masturbating to it. Hey, don't get me wrong . . . I've consumed that kind of entertainment (yes, it is ENTERTAINMENT served up as "information" and "support") too and I'm not suggesting it should be eliminated or outlawed. What I'm suggesting is that porn is not the bad guy. Especially now that the porn industry has evolved to be something that lots of "normal" people participate in (I'll bet that the "one in four women has been sexually victimized" stat is in this day and age accompanied by the "one in four women has been involved in porn as an actress, model, photographer, etc.).

Anyway, I just watched these insanely graphic anti-domestic violence Canadian tv ads a few minutes ago so was thinking about this again. Frankly I think these ads are fucking "pornographic". Understandably the Television Bureau of Canada ruled against allowing them to be aired on tv. I do wonder how real abusers would respond to seeing them. My suspicion is they would either laugh or not see the connection between the actors' behaviors and their own. Personally I suspect that the only way to stop habitual abusers is to execute them.

Bitch Spills Coffee in Man's Lap
Bitch Corrects Man in Boardroom Meeting

What do you think? Do you think airing spots like that on television is a good idea or a bad idea? Helpful or hurtful? Sensationalistic or necessary roughness?
posted by Trixie at 5/28/2003 02:18:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/28/2003 12:41:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/28/2003 12:21:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/28/2003 12:21:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
LOST AUDBLOG POSTS
Apparently everything is back to normal between blogger and audblog -- I actually got a personal phone call from one of the audblog guys, Noah. Let me tell you -- that's the ONLY time getting an unsolicited phone call is okay . . . when someone is actually calling to resolve a problem or tell you something has been fixed. That's so impressive!!

Here are the lost (now found) entries:
2003-05-25 at 09:49:39
2003-05-25 at 09:52:26
2003-05-26 at 09:06:23
posted by Trixie at 5/27/2003 11:46:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
CUM IN HAIR
I'm getting ready to log into iFriends but just realized certain strands of my hair are cum-encrusted. And you KNOW I only wash my hair once a week. I might make a special exception on the weekly hairwashing and double up while KCat is here though (they're arriving on June 1st, in case you're wondering my voracious voyeur friends). Anyway, last night I accidentally drug my hair through the spooge splatters on houseboy's belly after we "did it".

So yes, in case you're wondering . . . my fears that he would die in a firey crash caused by some drunken imbecile on Memorial Day were laid to rest. He came home safe and sound but reported seeing at least one ditched car along the way.

It was finally warm enough this morning to take my breakfast outside. I drank my vanilla-almond tea, enjoying the chirping of the birds and the sound of bird poop spattering on groundcover up until our neighbor decided to start up some kind of home renovation tool that interrupted the sounds of nature with a noise akin to a hyperactive six year old riding his bigwheels down a cobblestone hill. They have been driving me out of my mind lately -- they keep on burning things, sending choking plumes of smoke billowing into WebWhore Headquarters (I believe I've mentioned that our landlords have gone to great lengths to make this home completely energy INefficient so there are lots of cracks around the windows, etc.). I swear to god, sometimes it smells like they're burning maxxed-out plastic baby diapers. Other times it's like they threw used kitty litter onto the fire . . . along with the cat. Then perhaps they realize how nasty it smells and try to counteract it with a whole package of sickly sweet incense. Then it goes back to smelling more like dog shit and styrofoam.

By the way, you KNOW you're not supposed to burn styrofoam and all that plastic stuff, right??


posted by Trixie at 5/27/2003 10:31:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
SLIGHT PARALYSIS
Houseboy went off to play bingo for a birthday party for one of his bosses. In the morbid state I'm in, I'm paranoid he'll be involved in some horrible drunken holiday traffic accident (I virtually refuse to drive on the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, New Years, etc.). I really wanted him to stay home. I may have even pouted.

PMS PMS PMS.

On the other hand I feel sort of paralyzed by having the evening alone. I *should* work work work. But my eyes are crossing. So maybe I should just enjoy the solitude AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. So I'm sitting here feeling totally paralyzed. Boohoo houseboy is gone. Oh my! I'm alone! I should work work work. I should play play play!

Given my fragile emotional hormonal condition I am going to opt for STAYING AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. I am going to rent a stupid movie (Maid in Manhattan is calling me), eat steaming soup, and pretend I'm on a vacation for a few hours.

But having said that, why can't I tear myself away from this bloody fucking machine??

posted by Trixie at 5/26/2003 06:39:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
SPY PROBS
Well . . . the spycams on SpyOnYou are fucked up right now, in and out . . . and few seem to be coming into chat anyway (probably because it's memorial day) sooooooooo I'm going to go outside and have some sun.

I have some webwhoring pencilled in for tomorrow though:

posted by Trixie at 5/26/2003 03:23:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
MOOD SWING
Last night we fell asleep listening to an old This American Life. I finally woke up at the end of it and felt so completely happy and peaceful and safe snuggled up with houseboy -- I felt a sense of groggy elation. Utter happiness and tranquility.

Then I blew out the candle burning next to our bed.

Within a couple minutes somehow I was thinking about my dad again and found myself sobbing. Yes, I know it's Memorial Day . . . maybe that's where this is coming from. Yes, it will be exactly one year from now soon that he passed away. But I actually do think of him . . . well, all the time. Somehow both his loss and presence are constant companions. I probably just started bawling hard about it last night though because I am in pms mode and couldn't hold back.

I watch him die over and over while I'm holding his hand. I watch him looking at me before he died . . . before I got the nurse off her lunchbreak . . . before I called my mom, my sister, and his twin. I remember how quiet it was when she shut off the oxygen. I remember more than that. Lots more that I replay over and over.

Maybe I still just worry too much about . . . things. Maybe I feel too much guilt to focus on letting go.

Maybe I just haven't reached the point where his life is full of more solid frequent memories than his sickness and death and the experiences associated with it. But that is the most recent thing, and it's hard.

Being a child and being on the other end of the spectrum aging towards death have certain qualities. A ghostliness. Impermanence. Partial presence. A confused transitional state of being that's partially here, partially somewhere else . . . and not at all capable of fully expressing or comprehending that duality. They say confused things and don't realize until afterwards that they said them in the wrong place. Or they don't know why they said them. Only that they speak and feel and experience somewhere else too. Or maybe it's just underdeveloped (for the kids) and rotting (for the aging) brains not some otherwordly existence.

After the first time my dad almost died (four years before the real thing) he became a sort of ghost. Grandpa eased into that too in the years before he died, after his brother and sister passed away. They just weren't solid anymore. They went through the motions of being alive with us but they were faded. Voices thin and without body . . . as though half of the volume of their speech was being set aside. Like having the right speaker on your stereo unplugged and only the left one projecting.

I do not feel "grief" exactly for my dad or my grandpa. Maybe what I feel is grief for myself. With these two deaths I have aged too. Part of me is lost and belongs somewhere else. I feel initiated into that reverse process . . . growing up is over and I am starting to wind down too. I hope it's a long process but I feel it happening. Frequent thoughts of dead people send energy somewhere different from when you're thinking about the living people around you. It makes me feel like part of me is being sucked out -- making me lose some solidity too and become ghostlier.

Another part of my own aging that I feel aware of is how settled in I am with my liabilities. You stop caring about changing yourself. This is who I am. Deal with it. I'm my parents. Deal with it. I can be unpleasant and stubborn and irrational and immature. Deal with it because it's not getting better. After this many years I can't overcome myself. You give up on certain kinds of growth and start preparing for death. You store certain things up and you throw other things out. What will I take with me and what will I leave behind. In my family I don't think we are ever packed and ready when it happens, no matter how many years of warning we had. Maybe I'm just scared that I'll never be ready. I don't think my dad or my grandpa was. They had to try to resign themselves to it at the last possible moments but they were conflicted. I know they were.

Maybe I'm just fucking scared to death of losing the probable next two on the list.

Maybe part of me is too aware of the wait. We're all waiting.

Last night while I was crying in the dark, the dog paced around then approached me. I remember when Daddy was in the hospital the first time. After the first few nights of sleeping at the hospital I finally came home to my house and there was a cat on the porch. For a few days this cat hung around . . . kept coming over. Never saw it before or afterwards. Never had cat visitors there. Just during this really hard time it visited and wanted in. Last night the dog led me downstairs and outside at midnight. I sat on the porch weeping while she laid in the dark listening.

When I finally got it out of my system and came back to bed, my head felt empty and good.
posted by Trixie at 5/26/2003 10:12:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
FUCKING BLOGGER
I am losing my enthusiasm for blogger. They dumped their discussion board, blogspot blogs have been slow as molasses, they do not respond to support emails, my last three audblog posts are out in limbo somewhere (I verified just now that the problem *wasn't* that I forgot to hang up since I did hit "one for publish" and then "two to end this call") even though I have seven audblog posts left in my account.

Is it the google buyout that's making them suck? Or just plain hugeness? I am getting pissed at the lack of communication and the loss of a blogger-supported forum to communicate about tech issues with fellow bloggers. Obviously they are having issues and don't even have the decency to say "we're aware of the problem -- it's being hammered out."
posted by Trixie at 5/26/2003 09:20:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THE LOST AUDBLOG ENTRIES
Like a dumbass today I recorded two audio entries but somehow forgot to hang up the phone afterwards. I just set it down after I was done talking. Errrr . . . guess that messed something up because they didn't post. You've missed out on my exciting farting-in-public stories, body pump plans, and new site idea (BodyAsRind).

Houseboy is downstairs cooking corn and barbecuing burgers to put on soft onion buns. Mmm!!

The other night while laying in bed I started wondering what my dad looks like right now in his coffin. It's been almost a year and I started imagining his body laying in there. Watching so much Six Feet Under might be contributing to these morbid thoughts. We just watched the episode with the Gulf War Syndrome kid and I almost burst into tears watching them hand the flag to his brother. My dad's funeral was really beautiful; I treasure the memory of it. Maybe it sounds sappy and silly, but I loved having representatives from the VFW, the Navy, and the Masons all there doing their little rituals. Granted, there was something putrid the VFW guy said as part of his little speech that my sister and I had to snort at (I can't remember what it was now) . . . but the mini-ceremonies lent special significance and finality and honor to saying goodbye that I really appreciated. I remember what it felt like hearing the guns being fired; if you've never witnessed this at a funeral you have no concept of how powerful those moments are. It's so shocking and so quiet in between -- it jars all of your emotions loose. The symbolism is . . . enormous.

Upcoming Events for Members:
News FLASH! Monday 3-5 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.
posted by Trixie at 5/25/2003 06:19:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THE LIMITATIONS OF AMATEURITY
In between not having the right clothes, not being in shape or perfect, not having fancy lighting, and not having photographic expertise taking pictures can be very daunting.

Thank god for houseboy. I was in a pissy mood when he pointed out to me that a black outfit probably wouldn't show up too well with my little experimental lighting scheme for the evening. Too true. Only I didn't have any alternative attire but went shuffling through my wardrobe anyway. He ran his hand up my thigh and lightly stroked just the hair over my pussy lips. I warned him, "it's not possible to put me in a good mood, trust me."

I immediately regretted saying it especially when I realized that my body did respond to his touch and started buzzing the moment he left the room. And despite my bitchy pms attitude I did actually have fun taking pictures of each other. Especially videotaping another houseboy jack-off video for Friday's update on TrixiesHouseboy.com. Yeah!!!


Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Monday 5/26 update
JOIN NOW for access to all the pictures my boyfriend takes of me!
posted by Trixie at 5/25/2003 12:56:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
PORNO BLOGSHARES
I am the only pornographic blog being traded on Blogshares.

I have no idea how Blogshares works but it looks like fun. It appears that foreign guys are the only ones who find my blog valuable.

Oooh. Except my shitsniffer blog is looking cheap as hell too -- no one has classified it as pornographic yet though.
posted by Trixie at 5/24/2003 02:39:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
QUICK NOTE
Upcoming Events for Members:
Showercam & Chat today 12-2 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

I might schedule another hour of chat or something today too. Yesterday instead of really focusing on iFriends I just caught up in chat with members. Since I have become more routinized with my spycam chats I feel like I'm not getting as many opportunities to hang out with my members. My favorite question yesterday came from one of those guys who is half asshole/half decent & entertaining fellow. He was dying to see my hairy pussy and wouldn't shuttup about it. Keep in mind that the chatroom with my spycams is meant to be a vehicle for getting to talk to each other like normal people. I don't do requests or free shows there -- it's my normal life. If I want to masturbate or whatever, I do but not by request. As soon as people come into the chatroom I have an auto-message that informs them of that. So this Yello guy comes in to see me chatting while I'm fully dressed and starts in:

yello: are we gonna see some today?
yello: We are missing the essential area!
Trixie: the brain?
yello: what is your relationship with Simon Cowell?

That was the best compliment I got all day. Even though I have only seen about 15 minutes of American Idol, I know that being like the snotty condescending asshole judge with the accent can only bode well for my future as a webwhore.
posted by Trixie at 5/24/2003 09:48:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
ANOTHER QUICKIE
For some reason I enjoy doing updates to Houseboy's site much more than doing them to my own. I'd far rather spend hours looking at him than at myself. This week I added some stuff you will definitely never see in Playgirl: a gallery of houseboy crossdressing and a video of him peeing.

I have a million thoughts going through my head and no stamina for typing them out tonight. I should try to get my "beauty sleep" (snort) in preparation for what has become my showdays: Friday and Saturday. It kind of bites because I think most of my members are out and about enjoying the weekend during these concentrated hours of chatting and showing. Personally the weekend means nothing to me -- I would rather stay home and avoid all the people running amock on their days of freedom from work.

I'm going to bed now but I doubt I'll be rousing houseboy from his sleep for any roughhousing; we already had a roll in the hay after dinner and watching a few episodes of The Awful Truth. Now THERE'S something most people haven't tried: Michael Moore as an aphrodisiac.

Upcoming Events for Members:
SHOW Friday 5-6 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SexCamCentral link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

I'll also be webwhoring on iFriends before that from about 1:30-4:00.

posted by Trixie at 5/22/2003 11:51:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/22/2003 02:24:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/22/2003 02:22:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/22/2003 11:44:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
QUICKIE
I'd love to write more about the whole dream interpretation thing . . . but it's almost 2am and I want to get into bed with my houseboy. I got distracted working on my massage therapist's site (yes, that I have not finished after ummm. . . over a year??).

After a couple of days of feeling lethargic and nonspecifically depressed my mood dramatically improved. I spent some time playing piano and singing to myself, managed to get to pilates, came home and took a tub with houseboy and had some sweet sex (by this point I felt euphorically happy) and then we went out for sushi. They had a special sushi/sashimi combo tonight that was generously portioned and soooooooooooooooooooooo fucking good. Starting out with hot salty bowls of miso, and hot salty edamame . . . then laying that soft perfect fish on our tongues . . . oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The hamachi is definitely my favorite. I swoon over it. I dream of it.

I know this is boring to read about, but I *really* need to exercise more. The gym is having a fucking problem with their classes filling up so I keep waking up *way* earlier than I want, driving to the gym . . . only to find out that the fucking class is full. I usually barely drag myself out of bed and am in no way prepared to substitute a stretchy meditative guided class with *ugh* aerobic exercise on one of those machines. NO way. If the class is full I go home. Needless to say, I've been taking a lot of trips to the gym the past few months and not getting *anything* out of it. Supposedly they are going to add some more classes to meet the demand. They fucking better or I'm going to freak out. But I should also try to get up earlier, have a snack, and be ready to jump on one of those horrid machines too. Anyway, I do feel a lot better when I get a little dose of exercise away from the computer.
posted by Trixie at 5/22/2003 01:51:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
DEATH DREAMS
I'm having a lot of dead-family-members dreams. Maybe because the one-year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up on June 5th? They're the kind of dreams that involve sobbing, weeping, and gnashing of teeth. Last night it was my sister who died (this is just about the worst possible nightmare). I went to a church who had some mystical ritualistic way of getting back together with your dead loved one. Something about me burying her a certain way, and then burying myself too.

Here's a repost of a pic of my dad that my mom had the funeral home include on their website:


I thought it was cool of them and her to say "fuck" propriety. Speaking of funerals, death & propriety, Houseboy and I have been watching the first season of Six Feet Under. I LOVE it. They've done an amazing job of telling stories with sympathy from multiple competing perspectives. Families dealing with death & stress are fucking fascinating. Anyway, maybe this is why I'm having the death dreams. Watching the pilot and first few episodes freshened up a lot of difficult memories.

I feel really tired. I want to sleep and NOT dream. I'm sick of it. I feel like getting some pills that will knock me out for a couple of days. But I know that I'd probably feel better & sleep better if I just exercised more. I have the worst time balancing all-the-things-that-need-to-be-done.

I've also been having a few cat nightmares too. It used to be all my savage animal dreams revolved around dogs and/or lions (sometimes alligators, crocodiles, dolphins, and other seafaring animals). In the cat dreams the kitties are so sweet. The sweet nightmare cat curls up around my shoulders, neck, or arms. I pet it but am hyperaware of my cat allergies and know soon I will suffer for its presence. Then when I try to gently remove the cat it digs its claws and/or teeth into my skin. The cat won't let go of me. I try to rip its grip off/out of my skin but it's clinging and firmly embedded tooth & claw into my skin. Mildly put, this is not pleasant experience.

Labels: dreams

posted by Trixie at 5/21/2003 09:38:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THREE IN THE MORNING
Okay -- so after staying up way too late fucking with The Human Condition (my live365 radio station) houseboy woke up and made us tea. Then we made out and I thought I was too sleepy to really do more than that. But after we got into a nice lazy position with him on his side, me on my back with one leg slung over his hip and the other intertwined between his legs I found myself rubbing my clit with his cock inside me. I like this position because it gives me a lot of control and I love squeezing my pussy muscles instead of actually doing a lot of in-and-out. Eventually he wound up shooting an impressive jet of cum onto my bush and belly which got mixed up with my own goo as I kept rubbing my clit. It was making those super messy pussy noises until I came and then got on top of him and came some more and he came again and a good time was had by all.

I am addicted to this radio thing. The quality seems kind of poor though and I wonder if it's because the mp3's are coded to be broadcast at a lower speed (I didn't want to exclude people with slow connections). Plus a couple of the songs are missing endings. Oh well. I'll have to wait and fix that after I get my real work finished. Ummm . . . that might be "never".

One of my favorite moments in my current playlist is when Reverend Horton Heat's cover of Folsom Prison Blues is followed by Junior Brown's "Highway Patrol". Yes, I delight in putting tunes together like that.
posted by Trixie at 5/20/2003 11:53:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
BLOGSPOT PROBLEMS
You're not the only one getting "page cannot be displayed" when you hit this page or other blogspot blogs. Usually if you hit refresh once or twice, the blog WILL load.

But it sucks and I've ranted to the blogger people. If they don't fix it soon I'll move my blog off blogspot (but there are a lot of hassles associated with that including notifying everyone to change their links to me -- it's not just a pain for me, it's a nuisance for other people too).

So yeah, I keep checking to see if anyone has been listening to "The Human Condition" (I should probably change the name to something stupid like "Trixie Radio" or something). Seriously though -- many of the songs are fun and recognizable. And even if you don't like my station there are tons of other good ones at live365.
posted by Trixie at 5/20/2003 09:24:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
MY RADIO STATION
So it's three in the morning and I just "wasted" a few hours & over fifty bucks starting my live365 radio station. I know I should be working on other things and saving money but . . . I justified it by telling myself that I don't know any other webwhores with a radio station. And that's kind of cool . . . isn't it? Plus I had about $50 that I never anticipated getting from a would-be money-slave as a penalty for the spelling mistakes he made in his emails to me. I know I should probably spend the money on dominant beautiful bitch . . . stuff. But instead I spent it in a way that exemplifies that I'm more like a geeky slave myself than a

I can't wait to add more stuff to my playlist. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, and before you say, "why the FUCK aren't you using the live365 venue to advertise TastyTrixie.com??" Well because it's against their motherfucking rules. Which I can understand.

I have been really loving listening to Live365. I think it's a really important platform.
posted by Trixie at 5/20/2003 03:03:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
JACK BLACK'S SEXUAL ESSENCE
I don't know what it is or why it is . . . but Jack Black is sexy. Like most dorkily attractive-in-the-right-light comedians (ex. Jim Carrey) I wonder if he'd just be way too out-of-control in real life for that sexiness to transcend what is probably an obnoxiously intolerable presence. I think the appeal with Jack Black is he is so defiantly UNcool and not in a way that shouts, "I have an axe to grind against the beautiful people."

Plus he's super expressive. And then there was his cover of "Let's Get it On" in High Fidelity.

Take a look at these pictures of Jack Black. I already masturbated to the one where he's in the tub. The blue tuxedo pis with the white gloves are next on my list.
posted by Trixie at 5/19/2003 03:16:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
ON MY WAY
I'm on my way to Pilates but here's when I'll be in chat today (err wait -- I'm changing News Flash to tomorrow):

Upcoming Events for Members:
Showercam & Chat 12-2 pm Pacific Time.
News FLASH! Tuesday 2:30-4:30 pm Pacific Time
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.
posted by Trixie at 5/19/2003 08:46:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
(YET ANOTHER) NEW LOOK
Yes, I am slaving away to try to make TastyTrixie.com look better. Using my extremely limited attention span and even more limited knowledge of photoshop I hope to give my site a look I can be proud of and easily augment as my skills with graphics & design grow. Then I can branch out and do more niche-targeted tours but FUCK . . . I want the main tour to be an accurate representation of me without driving people away (not sure if it's possible to achieve both of those goals).


Will I ever have a tour I am pleased with?

If anybody has any suggestions and a free moment (no pressure though, only if you want to) could you take a look at these questions and post a reply?

posted by Trixie at 5/18/2003 02:24:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/18/2003 01:43:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/18/2003 01:41:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
"THE FEMALE BODY AS FASHION"
You'd think as a feminist I would come across tons of really offensive porn sites and would come to my blog, my little place in the universe where my freakish opinion matters, and rail against the evils of porn. Fuck that. Porn rarely offends me.

Instead it's bullshit like this that really fucking torques me. Read it carefully and marvel at the self-congratulatory misogyny these grrrrrrrrr FUCKERS are spouting . . . and they think they're "respecting" women in the process!!:

Would you like to live in a world where female beauty and the gorgeous creatures who share it with us are respected and admired, where they are encouraged and rewarded for showing you their wonderful bodies, and where you are one of the good guys?

Body in Mind is that world.

Thus, every single one of our images has been hand-picked not only for its ability to evoke admiration for the human female but for the kind of idealism they might inspire in those who admire them. Body in Mind promises to do nothing less than inspire you too.

Many world-renowned photographers, who share our vaunted vision of female beauty, offer our visitors galleries of their best work, what we call 'superbeauty'.

Simply speaking, superbeauty is the kind of beauty possessed only by the most beautiful women on earth, the kind that represents the best in the human female, both in their bodies and their minds. It's the kind of beauty that can be created only by artists who truly admire women and their sexuality. And it's the kind of beauty you won't find consistently anywhere else.

Superbeauty is idealism applied to women. In our galleries you will find only the highest quality images of tall, long-haired, curvy, voluptuous beauties in confident, happy, positive, thoughtful and feminine poses, in settings that flatter and respect them.

I would like to give them a taste of my own vision. FUCKERS!!! Is it my imagination or are these fuckers scarily confused about what it means to be a woman?? And what it means to RESPECT women?? Then they boast that, "you will not find pornography on Body in Mind". No, instead you'll find the most patently offensive affront to women I've seen on the internet so far.

Artists and their misconceptions. Thanks for doing womankind so many favors .

posted by Trixie at 5/17/2003 09:57:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
TODAY & TOMORROW
Today I finally unpacked my Vegas suitcase. Yup, we took that trip the first week of January. And I didn't unpack until TODAY. Putting away my clothes was a lot funner than doing houseboy's household chore of cleaning the nasty toilet.

I know you're thinking that something more exciting must have happened. And it did. At 1:00 this morning something more exciting happened in my mouth. And then it happened in my pussy.

I also made it to Pilates on time this morning. That was pretty exciting and good for me too.


Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Monday 5/19 update
JOIN NOW for access to all my bizarre pictures!

I'm going to try to log into iFriends again tomorrow morning. Aiming for 10:30 Pacific Time but not sure if that will happen. I have a lot of email to catch up on, a lot of writing to do, a lot to learn about web & graphic design, and a host of other things to delude myself into thinking I can finish in one day. ;-)

posted by Trixie at 5/17/2003 12:16:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
ONION DIP & EXPENSIVE CHIPS
Today we've been living on a diet of "donettes", three musketeers (why did they change the wrapper design?), and the best: onion dip with ruffles. Okay, NOT ruffles. Because the fancy schmancy hippy food store doesn't carry such corporate junk. So I was forced to buy the only heavily salted ridged chips they stocked; they cost $4.49. Seriously, how can a bag of fucking chips be worth $4.49???

They were worth it. I shit you not. They were WAY better than ruffles. Lightly peppered, crispy without being too thick but STURDY enough for carrying a seriously heavy load of onion dip. This to me is what being a grown up is all about: eating junk food all day if you feel like it. I've also been working pretty much all day so . . . yeah!!! Being a junk-food-aholic brings new meaning to the directive, "eat shit and die." These $4.49 chips might be all natural and organic, but they are still beautifully greasy.

Upcoming Events for Members:
SHOW (with possibility of naughty potty cam) Friday 5-6 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SexCamCentral link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

I'll also be logged into iFriends preceding the show. Maybe 1-4ish.

posted by Trixie at 5/15/2003 10:47:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
LITTLE QUICKIE
We finally did laundry today. I'm talking thirteen loads of laundry. Yeah. I felt like we built a house in one day or something -- it was that strenuous.

Ever since yesterday with the whole jacking-off-in-the-truck video shoot and the houseboy-in-drag playtime and fucking I have been immensely horny. I mean pounding throbbing hot. Have I done anything about it? Not much except for last night I did give myself a hand job while houseboy was asleep next to me. But everything EVERYTHING even the slightest little things have been sending me into a pulsing frenzy of heat. I rather enjoyed not doing anything about it today though.

Just finished watching Drumline. I loved it. I need to make a list of good "wholesome" movies that I love. I get so excited whenever we see a good movie without sex, cursing, or violence. It's so fucking refreshing. Drumline could have been cheesy and stupid but it wasn't. The best part about it is musicianship is at its core and they FOCUSED on music. I mean, tons of the movie was non-hokey real marching band performance stuff.

I remember being in band in high school (I played the thrilling and girly clarinet) -- the best part about being in parades was hearing the drummers from all the bigger high schools. Boys. With rhythm. And that perfect blend of discipline and . . . yeah, rhythm again. Very very sexy. Plus when they're all lined up together like that with their sticks in their hands beating in unison . . . . sigh.

Upcoming Events for Members:
SHOW (with pee maybe) Thursday 11 am - 12 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SexCamCentral link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.
posted by Trixie at 5/14/2003 11:15:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
DAMN IT!
After some super hot flirting and "sucking and fucking" with houseboy in drag I went to the computer expecting to have some excited & shocked voyeurs in the chatroom . . . but because I hadn't removed the cassette in the camcorder (from this afternoon's jackoff video we made for houseboy's site) it had automatically powered off. Oh well, at least *I* got to enjoy it!! Mmmm . . . mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! I think we also got some really striking pictures too.

I need to write more about this whole boy-in-drag thing.
posted by Trixie at 5/13/2003 08:10:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
TODAY
Houseboy and I are devoting this day to photo & video shoots of each other. We'll try to aim a spycam in the general direction, but it won't always work out because of cord/cable limitations, etc.
posted by Trixie at 5/13/2003 10:14:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
BOILING OVER
The worst part of this access to the mancheck sites is that ummm. . . I could burn the house down. I forgot I was boiling some water and just kept going through the gay sites . . . until I smelled that "water gone -- pot on fire" smell. Oops.
posted by Trixie at 5/12/2003 02:16:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THE HANDY HOUSEBOY
Yay! I am in big trouble. By making houseboy's mancheck site I now have access to all of the mancheck sites and ummm. . . I could be sitting here for a long time getting off on all the boy-on-boy action. Joining an avs like mancheck is definitely a cool way to get lots of variety instead of just joining one person's site. It's like a taste around the table kind of setup.
posted by Trixie at 5/12/2003 01:51:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
BLOODY OFFERING
And now for a little of my semi-Rivers and Tides-inspired tampon art:


Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Monday 5/19 update
JOIN NOW for access to all my bizarre pictures!

Upcoming Events for Members:
News FLASH! Today 3:30-5:30 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

Yesterday I accomplished something fairly significant (making houseboy's first AVS site). Now comes the part I hate of waiting to see if it will pay off. I'm starting to think no one gay OR female OR submissive will join his site since it caters to so many diverse "special interest porn groups".

This reminds me (I probably shouldn't write about this but I will anyway). I looked up some of my stats for people cancelling their site subscription to my site and over the past two months I've gotten quite a solid handful of people saying the reason they cancelled was they were "not satisfied with content". In the ten months before that I probably only had four people say that (and they were usually people who paid by check which is a whole other annoying story in itself). I can think of a lot of possible reasons: maybe I reamed their asses out in my chatroom (they deserve it if they think paying $20 a month gives them the right to order me around or see SEX SEX SEX 24-7). Maybe they were disgusted by some of my more . . . eccentric . . . photo galleries (like the period play). Or maybe they joined BECAUSE of that stuff and I didn't have enough of it, or they joined because I was hairy only to find out I wasn't hairy enough for their taste. Hmmm. The sad part is that I assume those "not satisfied with my content" people are all just stupid and I don't want stupid people's money anyway. Although I *am* curious what specifically led to their dissatisfaction.

At any rate, my site is obviously not for everyone. It takes a special kind of character to be a TastyTrixie.com member.

---

Note (added 5/13): I do not think everyone who is "not satisfied with my content" is stupid. That was a very stupid thoughtless remark on my part and I apologize for it. More on that later . . .
posted by Trixie at 5/12/2003 09:03:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
ASLEEP IN THE SUNSHINE
After my webwhoring stint earlier today I went out onto the back porch intending to write. Sky was blue -- sun was warm . . . but the breeze was a tiny bit chilly so I brought lots of blankets out and the sleeping bag and two poofy pillows to lean against. MMmmm. . . it was so nice I thought I'd have some Ben & Jerry's Half Baked with my afternoon. And that was so nice and my thoughts were so impacted and unable to come out coherently in written form that I . . . well I laid down. I laid down in the soft nest of slippery sleeping bag, cushy pillows, and sunwarmed blankets. I laid down and smiled when I shut my eyes under the blue sky, listening to the neighbor's windchimes and tree leaves rustling in the wind. I slept and can't remember what I dreamt about . . . only that whenever I woke up I had no idea where I was, only that I felt safe and peaceful. I swear, I could have fucking been floating on a heavenly cloud -- you know when you're a little kid in an airplane for the first time and you see the tops of clouds and sunshine pouring all over them and think, "mmmm . . . that's heaven, sleeping on puffy clouds under sunshine." I felt exactly like that today, waking up pleasantly disoriented warm and cozy and safe outside. Without the normal atmosphere of cables and computers the porch could have been completely disconnected from the house. I may as well have been on a raft floating in a dense sea of unmowed grass in the middle of the summerlands. I could have been anywhere. I wasn't anywhere I was just safely at rest.

---

If there is any bright side to my hysteria over the past couple days it was shining on me today. Leaving behind worry and drifting free of it today was like being elevated out of a canyon of sadness. One of the most blissful components of being a moody person is that with deeper valleys you experience higher peaks.

Listening to a friend who's involved in a twelve step program makes me long for more focused spiritual . . . errr focus. But without the words. I don't feel comfortable or fair using contemporary Christian lingo. That's part of what I love about being Lutheran . . . they are pretty shy and restrained about using dramatic words in an everyday way. For me even attempting to verbalize certain things and ideas is . . . belittling somehow.

People have reached out to me in sweet ways over the past couple of days and I've been reminded how much God is in our connections to each other.

There's my random dailiness.

Upcoming Events for Members:
Showercam with chat tomorrow (Sunday) 3-5 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

Labels: dreams

posted by Trixie at 5/10/2003 11:34:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
CAMCAPS
I need to get with the program and take more timed pictures and video captures when I am doing shows. For christ's sake, these are the MAINSTAY of some girls' members updates! For some reason I don't like the idea of bulking my updates up with show repeats though. Anyway, all I have are the measly archive pics I take when I am doing iFriends shows. They are almost always rated pg and almost always the same pose. Hehehe. Here are a couple of examples. I only take them to let people know what I am wearing that day.



See all my archive pics at iFriends.
My chathost name there is TastyTrixi.

Earlier this week a viewer volunteered to snag video of me during shows . . . he sent me an example of his handiwork with a couple minutes of me in the shower. I swear to god it was like watching my grandma bathing or something. Not erotic at all. Not that I've watched my grandmother bathing recently. But anyway.

As far as my daily life goes, last night I indulged in a pitiful good hard cry -- it's been months since I've cried like that and I really needed the release. I felt much better after all that hot saltiness washed over my face. I felt even BETTER when houseboy came upstairs and put himself at my service. Maybe it sounds silly but having a turgid cock aimed at my mouth does wonders for my mood. I soothed myself by sucking him until I couldn't resist climbing on top of him. We slipped into a good and familiar "houseboy is not allowed to cum" scenario. Apparently I hurt some of the voyeurs' ears.

Today I feel pretty relaxed. I had good viewers and good chatters. I made a few dollars while also entertaining members/voyeurs. I had green onions and leftover chicken on my top ramen. I have on a soft white cotton undershirt that tempts me to fondle my big breasts as I'm walking down the stairs. They feel so big and soft wobbling back and forth under the fabric when I'm walking. Sometimes I fucking love having big boobs. I would fucking love to have small boobs too though. I guess I just really like having boobs.
posted by Trixie at 5/10/2003 03:32:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
MUST WORK HARDER
I am nearing a financial crisis point that is going to force me to focus. For the first time in my life I have some shit being reported to collection agencies (those stupid stupid stupid tickets for driving with expired tabs and a library fine of all things PLUS I'll bet this one other credit card I forgot to change my address on months ago is hanging out in limboland somewhere). My insurance agency just dumped me because of course they won't carry someone with a suspended license (those stupid stupid stupid tickets for driving with expired tabs). On top of that one of my credit cards is maxed out (not actually my fault that Verio fucked up royally by hundreds of dollars and now I cannot get the charges reversed) and the other one is pretty damned close to maxed out.

I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I am just being honest about where my stress is coming from.

I hate whiny public journals. Today I considered making a bitch-only journal. I think it was when I was freaking out about not being able to find any nail clippers and became OBSESSIVELY COMPELLED to find some feeling for certain if I did not find them and trim my nails I would undoubtedly get a viewer who would want deep and vigorous digital penetrations (that ALWAYS HAPPENS whenever my nails get too long -- it never fails -- someone will utter those words, "finger yourself baby -- MORE! HARDER! FASTER! DEEPER!!").

I'll be on again tomorrow -- 10 am to 1 pm probably.


I honestly felt SO much better this afternoon after I got my first viewer (he was VERY vocal and enthusiastic -- I mean a moaning groaning hollering phone dude). The only bad part was that I turned down phone with a known and nice entity and then he saw/heard me doing it with someone else. I am having a hard time scheduling shows off of iFriends these days because there is way too much trivia involved. I am so overwhelmed these days I just want to log in and have the people come to me with all the software and everything set up and without timing issues. It's really stupid sounding and I hate it because it ends up feeling like I'm rejecting my favorite members & fans . . . it has nothing to do with them though. It has to do with my limited capacity to deal with very small challenges that are probably not worth describing here but other chicks who do this stuff will know what I'm talking about.

Part of my problem is that I can't just think of doing phone and shows simply as money. If I *did* I would sell more shows the "smart" way -- but I feel like it just distracts me from enjoying myself (it being fucking with software compatability and doing time management by making appointments, etc.). Another problem is just that . . . there's a different feeling when I am standing in the ifriends line-up compared to when my members, etc. come to me off of that platform -- in a way it's much more flattering -- but in another way I feel really . . . I don't know I just have performance anxiety about it. I can't fully describe the difference right now -- but there IS a difference and I stress myself out about it entirely too much.

When you read or hear me making all these excuses and justifying my choices you will know it's a sign that I am hating myself. I know it will be okay -- I'm just at a low point right now. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing myself and other people. And then I feel twice as guilty about it because I know that's just my own fiendish insecurity wasting time and energy in stupid places.
posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 11:13:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
audblog audio post
posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 04:40:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
BASKETCASE
This whole moving proposition piled on top of other stressors is really getting to me. It's not so much the stress of moving and the other things, but my poor coping skills and inability to thrive and be productive under those stressful circumstances that gets to me most. I feel completely STUPID STUPID STUPID. I feel like pulling out my hair and screaming right now. I mean I can't even deal with keeping four fucking ports straight on my router and remembering which cable is connected to which fucking machine, let alone deal with moving. And don't tell me to organize and label things. Obviously my problem is that I do not want to invest the time organizing all of these horrific overwhelming obnoxious detail riddled pieces of shit in my life.

My little iFriends stint is going to be a little bit late because of above idiotic router problem.


posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 12:13:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
IS MY PUSSY TOO SORE TO WEBWHORE?
After extensive fucking yesterday (it was very very good *especially* the interlude that began with houseboy taking off his belt, doubling it over, making threatening leathery snaps and expertly spanking me with it) I am wondering how my orifices will hold up to camming on iFriends and doing my SexCamCentral show later on (scroll down a couple entries for times). Hmmmm. . .
posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 11:03:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
DEAR RAED UPDATED
Yay! Finally Dear Raed has been updated. Now we can read about it from the perspective of an Iraqi living in Baghdad.

Through the Irish Think Tank's hotmail account I got access to a well-written private website of an American guy in the army. Reading his words I actually started crying. I'm not sure why, but his descriptions of flying at very low altitudes at night was infinitely more frightening than Salam's descriptions of living under daily bombardment. I am not sure why, but I feel unsettled by the differences in my emotional reactions to these two very different accounts. The things they both had in common though was lack of information and lack of control. Scary scary scary.
posted by Trixie at 5/09/2003 10:22:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
SUNSHINE ON SKELLINGTON
I don't know what's going to happen with moving -- it looks pretty unlikely that we'll get the house we want (someone is sure to snatch it up before we find out whether or not we can get internet access out there). In the meantime I am more than happy to stay in Skellington although I don't think houseboy is as happy about that prospect. The sun was out today and the trees and bushes around the yard give us a lot of privacy -- enough that we were able to fuck on the back porch this afternoon without being detected.

I'm probably going to be doing some iFriends action tomorrow (Friday) from about 12-3 pacific time before I do my SexCamCentral show later.

Upcoming Events for Members:
SHOW (with possible potty cam) Friday 5-6 pm Pacific Time.
Click on the SexCamCentral link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.
posted by Trixie at 5/08/2003 04:51:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
I HATE TEENAGERS *BUT*
. . . it sucks that they can go to war and die for their country at eighteen but they can't legally buy a fucking beer off base.

I have ranted about this before but happen to be thinking of it again because the people at the grocery store have been carding me lately. Since I generally *walk* to the store I rarely think to bring my id with me. You know, I grab some cash and hoof it to the store only to discover that all of the cashiers are new, none of them recognize me . . . so I try to pick out the most mature worldly-wise cashier (aka OLDEST) and she's one of these paranoid freaks with no common sense. I mean, usually I really feel for these people and the predicament they are in -- I mean, why should they risk their jobs, fines, etc. because I am too stupid to carry my identification around with me everywhere? But lately I am becoming less tolerant and understanding. Deep in my growing-older-and-more-anti-government-heart I think . . . what a stupid fucking world. I should not need to carry identification with me everywhere and especially not to buy a fucking drink. I am too old for this nonsense. And this damned cashier kept saying she was afraid of going to jail. What the fuck??? Common sense woman? Even if you imagine I look younger than thirty -- you have to be sniffing glue to think I look younger than 21. She is not going to go to jail for selling alcohol to someone who is indeed clearly older than 21.

I truly think I did a believable job of acting nice, apologetic, understanding, etc. I walked back home and got my fucking drivers license (which is, by the way, suspended now because of some beaureaucratic bullshit designed to punish poor people, at least that's the way my growing-dangerously-militia-minded brain is seeing it these days).

Anyway whatever . . . the other anti-teenager policy I detest is the whole rated R movie bullshit. I would thoroughly support youth protests against the must be whatever age it is . . . 17 or 18 to see a rated R movie. Even though I definitely don't want to share theatre space with teenagers . . . that's not the point. If you are old enough to get a drivers license you better be fucking old enough to see a rated R movie.
posted by Trixie at 5/08/2003 04:45:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
KEEP PRAYING
Oh dear lord PLEASE let that commercial accounts man at the cablespeed company come through for me. I wanted to tell him, "I will suck everybody's dick involved in this project" if he can indeed get them to run a line out to the house we want (he made it sound SO feasible and probable even without me offering to blow anyone). It's two miles down a gravel road so . . . hmmmm. Please please please please. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!! Maybe if I had all of my viewers email him . . . errr . . . maybe that would backfire though.

Even though I rarely log in to do phone sex anymore, I always fantasized about having a house where I could go outside and do phone sex. Masturbate and fuck in the yard. Barbecue naked.

I must admit I *was* a little nervous about the tent we spotted pitched in the woods behind the house. I wanted to pretend maybe it was neighbor kids having a sleepover in the back 40 of the vacant-for-now house we are looking at . . . but houseboy assured me, "it's probably a squatter."

You know, I love the idea of people living simply hobo style . . . but not in what might become my backyard where I intend to be naked naked naked as a jaybird and singing singing singing loud. It makes me nervous thinking some homeless drifter could be skulking around the place under the dark shadows of trees.
posted by Trixie at 5/07/2003 04:14:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
PRAY FOR HIGH SPEED INTERNET ACCESS
We just drove out onto a gravel road and found THE house to rent. Only problem is it's fairly remote and getting high speed internet access is questionable.

It would be the perfect camhouse -- and camdeck and camyard. I love the idea of being somewhere where I can be NAKED in my home or yard . . . of being able to piss outside . . . without worrying someone will call the cops. Only problem is we NEED dsl or cable or the too-expensive-for-me-to-afford T1 in order to function. I love having the spycams and would love to have even more of them running. Especially at a cool house like this one we just looked at.

Looks like I'll be researching our internet options. Nobody suggest that dish thing because it doesn't work for broadcasting camfeeds.
posted by Trixie at 5/07/2003 10:37:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
QUICKIE
I hope pictures really are worth a thousand words because I can't stop to blog right now. I am trying to be more focused. But here's a taste of the gallery I'm building:


Image captured by Absolute Photography
Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Sunday 5/11 update
JOIN NOW for access to all my pictures!

I spent an hour today starting at high noon taking pictures of . . . my bloody tampons. It was tons of fun. Yeah, I know it sounds freakish but I'm becoming obsessed with taking pictures of my bloody stuff. I hope it doesn't turn out to be like my mealworm hobby I had in elementary school where, after months of inbreeding beetles, I finally realized how gross it was to have rotten apples, oatmeal, and albino beetles scampering around on my bedroom desk at home. I suddenly freaked out and became disturbed by my little beetle farm -- it was like an aquired allergy or something. Never bothered me at all until one day I shivered looking at my insect friends and threw them all out the window.
posted by Trixie at 5/06/2003 04:00:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
SURVIVOR
People are fucking amazing. FUCKING AMAZING!!! Can you fucking imagine sawing through your own arm, bone and all, with a fucking pocketknife???
posted by Trixie at 5/05/2003 05:09:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
SLOW PICS HERE ON JOURNAL
Are you getting red exes on my pics here? This is only the 2nd time I've noticed a problem where they're hosted. I won't bore you with the details of how this distresses me.

Broomstick. Plunger. Bottlestopper. Bottle. Gourd. Cucumber. I don't know if it's something to be proud of but today I realized that I do have quite a few images of unusual pussy penetrations in my members-only area despite my semi-softcore image.

I've been reflecting on polyamory more than usual the past few days partly because of reading Jane's journal (Shit! is everything down tonight?? Hope that links works soon).

Upcoming Events for Members:
For tomorrow (Monday 5/5)
Showercam & Chat 12-2 pm Pacific Time.
News FLASH! 3-5 pm Pacific Time
Click on the SpyOnYou link on Members-Only page.
JOIN NOW for access.

For the 2nd night in a row we started watching a movie and I just couldn't bear to finish watching. Tapeheads. Two great actors. Bad eighties stuff that expired a long time ago. But it was a thrill watching such successful men in what appeared to be a fucking bomb. Or maybe the movie was really cool back in the day. Let's see . . . I would have been a freshman in high school at the time Tapeheads was released. Hmmm . . . not a fun year -- I doubt Tapeheads would have remedied my general feelings of depression.

What would have remedied my feelings of depression as a 15 year old?? Having a vision of my future (now current) career as a webwhore. That would have made me fucking excited and hopeful as hell. I probably would have dropped out of school to get started sooner.

Believe it or not, I often think dropping out of school would have been a pretty good thing for me but I didn't really start to think dropping out of school was an honourable life choice until I got to college.
posted by Trixie at 5/04/2003 10:31:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
GAY PORN CRITICISM
This article on Lurid Digs lets you know that glorious amateur cock can be overshadowed by bad decor.

If you don't want to bother reading the words, go straight to the pics. If you don't laugh you need an estrogen injection from my strap-on.
posted by Trixie at 5/03/2003 10:28:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
IGBY TURNED OFF
I usually will finish watching most movies but I couldn't stand to continue watching Igby Goes Down tonight. It was tiresome and not worth the investment of depression to finish watching it. Good movie and I'm sure worth rave reviews . . . just not worth watching to me. I have enough genuine dysfunction in my own family without watching it ruefully portrayed devoid of love or tenderness. I must be getting old. I associate that resistence to watching depressing movies or reading depressing books with old people who have seen too much of the real thing to have it invade their entertainment too. I guess I just wasn't in the mood tonight for smart witty cool disdainful carelessness. It is not worth waiting through the slow moving crap to get to the softness. Fuck that shit.

I *was* in the mood to write a lot today BUT didn't quite have time. Shit.

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posted by Trixie at 5/03/2003 10:10:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
THINGS FOR WHICH I WANT MORE TIME
A short list of things I wish I had time time to include in my life . . . but don't:

* return to belly dance classes
* start an erotica writing club for women in my locality
* take a "pagan pathways" class
* have my own live365 internet radio station
* do the laundry
* spin and knit Nico's fur into chiengora
* play more piano

As I said, that's a short list. A very short super-condensed list.
posted by Trixie at 5/02/2003 01:12:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
QUICKIE
For once my period started on time. I'm moving my show to tomorrow and will somehow work around the blood or include it if I get enough requests for it.

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And if you happen to see me crying on the spycams don't worry about it -- I am just unloading some stress that's piled up. Nothing extraordinary just normal challenges in life mostly revolving around money and fears of not being able to "do it all".

Tonight houseboy and I have special plans and, barring episodes of weeping and/or menstrual cramps, it will be a much-need escape. I'm afraid I should probably have a major bawl-fest before we go because the concert we're going to (Greg Brown) is of the touching-lyric variety that can't help but make a girl on the edge sentimental and teary-eyed.

Speaking of things that made me teary-eyed, birdman sent me an email on Thursday when I was trying to meet that May 1st TrixiesHouseboy.com deadline. The email just said, "The pressure's on -- are you going to make the may 1st deadline.....I have faith in you." It was encouraging and motivating and made me feel cared for.
posted by Trixie at 5/02/2003 12:35:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
NEARLY NAKED
Yesterday when I went to the bank I wore a very tight-on-top, short-on-bottom little dress sans bra. I jumped out of the car and started bounding up to the glass doors of the bank when suddenly I felt completely obscene and inappropriately attired upon seeing my reflection bouncing on the doors. I tried to move smoothly so my boobs wouldn't bounce. I hugged myself and tried to make myself smaller. I felt so conspicuous and nearly naked I wanted to turn around and go back to the car. While I stood in line I tried to reassure myself that it was warm out and sometimes people walk around on the streets in bathing suits and coverups after going innertubing or swimming -- why feel so "wrong" about my own modest-by-comparison dress?

Does that surprise you? That a webwhore would feel so self-conscious about wearing something revealing in public?
posted by Trixie at 5/02/2003 11:13:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
GOODBYE SKELLINGTON?
I dropped off our rent check yesterday hoping to escape the office before being nabbed by the property manager. I was anticipating she might say something like, "since the owners are stopping by in June, you *will* repair that broken pane of glass in the kitchen door, won't you?" or something else of a critical, peevish, tension-inducing nature. Unfortunately the front desk was womanned by our property manager instead of the usual anonymous secretary. Fortunately she was on the phone so couldn't talk to me. Unfortunately she made eye contact with me, held up her index finger commandingly and whispered, "wait!"

In a nutshell, the owners want to move back here into their house in June or July before our lease is up at the end of September.

I told her that probably isn't going to happen.

We invested over $200 a month in exorbitant heating bills over the winter consoling ourselves that Skellington Manor would be beautiful in the summer. It would be worth suffering through the cold winter made more miserable by the fact that the owners know NOTHING about the climate here (they live in Chicago) so when they renovated the house they put in single pane windows instead of something more energy efficient. They removed the propane heating stove. And the electrical system can't handle having more than one portable heating unit turned on in the house at one time which limited us to baseboard heat for the most part.

So now the lilacs are in bloom . . . the trees are leafing out . . . Skellington Manor is blossoming into a secret garden space . . . and those fuckers want their motherfucking house back. We cursed them last night, fearing that if we stay through the end of the lease instead of moving earlier that they will be spying on us and coming over to fix things and intrude on us all summer. We fantasized ways of frightening them away, perhaps by painting Nico's chin and chest with blood to make her look like a ferocious throat-ripping monster of a dog.

If only they would have told us this two or three months ago we'd have have been excited. We'd looked longingly at a few smaller homes we'd seen up for rent and resented the inefficient spaciousness of Skellington Manor.

But now? Now the light is getting good for us to take advantage of the photogenic perfection of Skellington's many rooms and wild private yard. Now the sun is shining. We do not want to miss the fruit ripening on the trees, the beers on the back porch, the private summer seclusion. But we fear that will be wrecked anyway by them snooping around. Not to mention we do not want to go to the expense of moving again so soon with all the utility hookups and deposits.

We are looking on the many bright sides though. With the owners having said we can break the lease without penalty we can start looking and wait for the perfect replacement to Skellington instead of being forced into waiting until the last minute. I guess that's a good thing. But what could be more perfect than Skellington in the summer? Sigh.
posted by Trixie at 5/02/2003 10:57:00 AM - 0 comments - links to this post

 
MAY DAY
It's open for members: TrixiesHouseboy.com

I am so excited about it. And excited that I pretty much met my goal of getting it up today -- even though I wanted it to be done last night before I went to bed, houseboy made himself impossible to resist. After just being present with me and supportive throughout the evening, bringing me tea, rubbing my neck, etc. he took a bath and announced he was going to bed. He made the announcement naked. It was really late and he was so warm and so hard and so sexy I TRIED to go back to the computer to finish his site but . . . noooooooooooooo. I couldn't do it. We both should have been too exhausted to have the great teasing aching foreplay we had . . . mmmmm. It was so fucking good I wound up soaking the sheet. I have felt simultaneously calm and euphoric (is that possible?) ever since.

Now it's sunny outside and I am going to go let some rays sneak under my hitched up dress. If you have never let your naked snatch get warmed by the sun you are missing out!
posted by Trixie at 5/01/2003 03:55:00 PM - 0 comments - links to this post