SECRETS OF WEBWHORE SUCCESS: ENTRY 41 2

I said I was going to tell you some of my webwhore secrets, the ones that have made me 30k in debt rich, successful, and virtually unheard of famous, so here we go:


1. NEVER change your hair color!!
Men recognize women by hair color and breast size. These distinguishing characteristics even take precedence over GENDER.

As an independent webwhore, YOU are your own "brand", and branding is all about recognizability. Whenever a surfer, potential fan, or returning customer sees your visage on the internet you want him to immediately RECOGNIZE you . . . to feel that he knows you on sight, recalling with familiarity your name, your web address, your personality, and all of the entertainment you've provided him.

A surfer should only perceive you as a stranger ONE TIME, and one time only (secret no. 57), so don't make yourself a stranger by changing your most recognizable feature. If a member knew you as a blonde for three months, cancels his subscription, and comes back six months later and you look like a totally different person (yes, going from blonde to brunette or vice versa does make you look like a totally different person, particularly in the flat atmosphere of a computer monitor) he will feel confused and alienated -- what happened to you? Your members want a stable, trustworthy, KNOWABLE webwhore, not some slippery shapeshifter morphing from a raven-haired librarian to a strawberry-blonde ditz.

After a surfer's initial introduction to you, you want him (or her) to think, "I know that girl!" every single time he sees you whether it's in a movie, a stolen image of you on a message board, or a free mini-site you build for promotion. So. You'd be better off undergoing phalloplasty than you would dying your hair a different color. Changing your hair color doesn't make you appear fresh, adventurous, and multi-faceted . . . it just makes you look like some other chick.

2. Guys want variety, but they don't want it from YOU, silly!
It's true that guys want variety, but they want to experience it from a variety of people, not from ONE person with multiple personalities. As an independent webwhore who actually interacts with her members, you have individuality going for you. You may be complex, but don't be unpredictable. You want to have a strong personality reinforcing your dominant traits.

Being the star of your own personality-driven site is more about building relationships with your customers than it is about trying to be someone who is new and exciting every day. I'm not saying you should be an undynamic bore, but you should establish a sense of familiarity that only comes with consistency and reliability.

As a successful WebWhore you will be doing this for many years, and naturally you will change and evolve during that time, but your growth should be imperceptible to the naked eye, you know? Slow, gradual, healthy.

3. Don't expect your customers to be "faithful".
Don't get all huffy and accusatory when you find out your fans (gasp) spend money on other webwhores! Be happy for your colleagues, and if you do discuss your customers' other enamoratas with them, do so with shared enthusiasm (ex. "oooh! I love the way she squirts in her shows -- I wish I could do that too!").

Most porn consumers go from site to site, girl to tranny, and back again. A lot of them hold multiple memberships. Although your long-term members want to establish a connection with you, they shouldn't be pressured to be "faithful". And if you DO have a fan who says you're the only webwhore who satisfies his needs and no other girl will do? Be afraid. Be very afraid. Best case scenario: he's lying because it's part of his fantasy to be Mr. Romantic and he thinks it will earn him Most Favored Customer-Who's-More-Than-a-Customer Status. Worst case scenario: he's developed an unhealthy fixation on you and the perceived intimacy of your "relationship". Note: I do not mean that every fan who says, "you are my favorite" or "you are the best" or "yours is the only site of which I'm an active member" is a liar or a nutcase -- a lot of people mean that sincerely without being weird about it at all, and/or are just paying you a nice enthusiastic compliment which you should accept graciously and without paranoia. There has to be a certain kind of repetitious and fervent delivery for it to be a big dramatic lie or signal for a restraining order; fortunately I have never experienced that (crazed stalkers), and I doubt I ever will for reasons which will be unveiled in other secret entries.

Anyway, the members you want to keep are the ones who keep their porn purchases in perspective and all in good fun. They will be more apt to return again and again if you don't act like a clingy needy guilt-tripping psycho.

*****

By divulging these three secrets, I hope you have gained a better knowledge of the utter stupidity of writing rules of thumb based on insulting generalizations and oversimplifications how to be a dependable, recognizable and confident webwhore. I owe so much of my success to regularly foiling my hair (three different shades of blonde to make it look "natural"), making sure that my dominant trait of "crazy bitch" is reliably reinforced every day by audibly shouting into the spycam microphone, "COCKsucking MOTHERfucking sonofaBITCH!!!" whenever things don't go my way, and encouraging my customers to cancel their memberships to my site and report back to me when they've found satisfying brunette webwhores with perky b-cups.
posted by Trixie at 7/01/2005 03:14:00 AM -