TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘customer relations’ Category

Normally when you hear “camgirl” and “stroke” you think of masturbation. Unfortunately our online pal UndressJess experienced a different kind of stroke yesterday.

Some of us who follow her twitter account noticed a couple of really jumbled tweets from her, plus one saying she was on her way to the hospital. I finally got ahold of her on her cell phone this afternoon; she is in the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD A STROKE.

Undress Jess

She was able to speak fairly coherently, though she stopped and apologized a couple of times because it’s hard for her to organize her thoughts. Apparently the main thing is that SHE CAN’T READ and is pretty worried wondering how she’ll be able to work on her site, camming, blogging, promoting herself, etc. when she totally can’t READ. It’s like weird instant dyslexia.

It’s really hard to imagine being so young, living alone and becoming disabled overnight. You never know how long (if ever) after a stroke you’ll regain the function(s) you lost, but if I heard her correctly the estimate is about a year for her to be able to read again. Apparently the only guess being made as to why this happened to her is from her birth control pills. Yes, fuckers, STROKE is one of the risks of being on hormonal birth control. So next time you hear a guy complain about using a fucking condom, pull out this little gem. Risk of stroke isn’t just a bunch of tiny words on a pill pack insert no one reads.

Rad Camgirl Undress Jess

Needless to say, she won’t be on cam or updating her site or doing daily shows the way she normally does so I hope her fans read this and try to be supportive. Her main site is UndressJess.com but she also has awesome booty-shaking vids on shakinit AND a clip site if you can only afford to purchase one or two videos. It’s hard to imagine what an extended hospital stay and disability can do to a single, independent camgirl/site owner financially.

Note: I’m not going to keep calling her while she’s in the hospital and if I do talk to her again anytime soon the conversations will no doubt be brief and about work stuff, so I can’t say that I’ll have updates for you or pass messages along to her, I just want people to be aware of her situation and do what they can to support her work online and be patient while she’s absent and struggling with what happened to her brain. If you have a blog, it would be great if you could repost this.

Last week I was in a hurry to have an orgasm, so I went to *quickly* find a free amateur video of some stranger (ANY stranger) jerking himself off. This video, “A Tribute to Jodie”, looked like a winner so I grabbed my eroscillator, shoved it under the waistband of my sweats, and pressed play.

The “tribute” part of the title gave me a good hint what I’d be watching: a guy at home with his webcam recording himself jacking off onto one of his favorite photos of a camgirl or pornstar. I’ve seen these things before and have always been fascinated by them.

LET ME REITERATE: I was not in the mood to be choosy about selecting the video; I wanted to get off as soon as possible with anything remotely visually stimulating and obscene. As long as it was a closeup of a guy jerking his cock, I didn’t care. For a quick cum, homemade jerkoff videos are surefire winners for me because they’re usually the right length: they get right down to business with no distractions. Even better, there’s an extreme element of voyeurism for me especially when the guy is using a toy (like tiny fake pussies) or in some way sharing a method that is in some way humiliating/exposes more about him than just his cock. I love seeing a guy’s private masturbation ritual. The tribute thing? If I were a guy I would try to keep that secret and would be *totally* embarrassed to admit, let alone SHOW MYSELF OFF, doing it. Because it seems so humiliating to me, I *love* watching it. The notion that some guy is so fucking crazed by his desire to get off that he will DO something so ridiculously contrived and teenage-insane makes me incredibly hot.

Having said that, the LAST thing I want is for someone to record such a tribute to me if they’re planning to inform me of it/beg me to watch it. Noooooooooo, please! NO! Don’t ever do that! If you do, don’t do it expecting me to masturbate to it or tell you that it made me hot. The best you can hope for is that I’ll laugh and thank you for doing me the “honor”. Being put into a situation where I will feel *obligated* to watch it and issue a polite response (or even worse, a big description of how it made me masturbate) would totally ruin the whole thing for me. The whole point of masturbating is to DO IT ALONE, whenever you want to, without having to interact with someone. I do not want other people picking out my masturbation fodder for me because I will get all tense thinking the person expects me to drop everything and go wank. When I masturbate? I do not want to feel obligated to anyone or under pressure to perform or to flatter someone else (especially when they’ve done something as grotesque as defile my image by splattering it with their cum). I don’t want someone watching me while I take my two fully-clothed minutes slouched in my site with my hands down my sweatpants. The last thing I want is someone emailing me over and over again, “have you watched my tribute to you yet? I can’t wait for you to see it!”, or, “oh darn! I missed it! Can you do it again so I can see? After all, I recorded that JUST FOR YOU and I want to see you cum to me while I cum on you! Thanks babes!”

TORTURE!!!!

The whole hot thing about watching videos like these is that they *are* kind of gross. I *don’t* want to be there. I *don’t* want a stranger’s ejaculate on me. I *don’t* want to synchronize our orgasms in real time. The whole point of watching porn, for me, is to NOT be involved with someone else. I can’t lie — there’s definitely a freak show element to the whole thing, and I mean “freak” in the most normal sense of the word; the solitary freak we all have/are when we’re alone (and if you don’t have that freak element to you? I totally cannot relate).

I know all of this sounds crazy given that I have been broadcasting spycams since 2002, so obviously? People DO watch me masturbate! The thing of it is (and always has been) that the reason I do a lot of what I do is because *I* am a voyeur at heart. I offer these things because they are what I seek, not so much because I am an exhibitionist (which of course I *am*, a little, but not to the extent that I’m a voyeur). I know I would like to catch someone at her desk, awkwardly masturbating and not acknowledging me at all. I do not want it to be sexy or a “show”, I want it to be authentic and authenticity is often measured in my book by how ugly it is. The more unattractive it is, the better. As the masturbator? I expect the voyeurs not to try to engage me during this process. It’s *private*. That’s the whole *point*. It’s not supposed to look like porn, it’s supposed to be real, and for it to be real, you cannot interrupt or inject yourself into the scene.

One of the things that continues to be a challenge for me as a webwhore is being able to share my turn-ons without making them sound like an invitation OR an insult. I’m a very solitary, private person in many ways, so I sometimes get overwhelmed trying to preserve alone-time; I wind up going too far in my attempts to maintain distance, to the point where it backfires on me and sometimes hurts people’s feelings. How do I explain that I love watching guys jacking off on ink-rippled homemade print-outs of naked chicks or faces with their mouths open, but that when I masturbate to this I don’t want to turn it into an interactive event? How do I then qualify that to say, “UNLESS you’re paying me to interact with you while you do that, in which case it’s totally hot!” (which is true; if you pay for my time, providing I have ample amounts of it free, then I *prefer* doing shows where I get to watch someone else masturbate; I just don’t want to do that when I have a sudden 2-5 minutes when I desperately need to bust my own private girl nut).

*****

I drafted the above entry almost a year ago and never finished/posted it. Like a lot of public posts about “what makes me horny”, I feel compelled to ruin the hotness by outlining boundaries to preserve what’s left of my . . . personal space, I guess you’d call it.

The weird thing is that not long after I wrote this my feeling about it changed. I became very interested in the concept of guys jerking off on my pictures and wasn’t sure I wanted to send a message totally discouraging it. It’s something I would like to see without them knowing I’m seeing/hearing it. I do not want to be under pressure to respond to it, but in certain situations I think I’d enjoy that, perhaps if the jerker paid for a phone call for me to (gently but pointedly) humiliate him for doing it. Or INSTRUCTED him to do it again. Maybe on the same picture. Because if I were going to TELL someone to jerk off on my picture(s), I’d make sure he knew he’s not allowed to throw any of these photos away. Instead he’d have to keep every single one, including pictures of other women (with a few men thrown in for good measure). And maybe if his printer ran out of ink he’d have to reuse an already-jerked-on print-out.

This idea became so exciting to me, I began to think I’d like to collect videos of people jerking off on our pictures to post in the members-only area TrixiesHouseboy. Or sending us pictures of themselves (a la Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Happiness) in front of a whole wall of damp printouts glued up with cum.

Part of me is telling myself you don’t REALLY want to see that, Trixie. You really don’t. And another part is quite certain she does.

If my “porn” were standing before the judges on American Idol, Simon would totally call it self-indulgent nonsense. Like shooting almost entirely non-nude sets of pictures with a ren-fairish flavor just because I REALLY LIKE WEARING LONG VELVET DRESSES AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE NECKLACE AND I LIKE PRANCING AROUND IN THE FOREST!! From my latest members-only update:

Most people don’t “get” non-nude or softcore porn, and I do think there’s a bigger market for straightforward explicit hardcore sex (and I myself prefer to masturbate to fairly explicit, genital-oriented content, though not the generic kind), but make no mistake . . . there’s definitely a market for the soft stuff. I’m not sure, but I’m *guessing* that its appeal diminishes the older the model gets, but I could be wrong. I *hope* I’m wrong. Because I will proceed as though I *am* wrong about that. Because I’m totally a self-indulgent softcore kind of lady. Well, not totally. Which is what makes my site difficult to categorize since I love hardcore stuff, too.

Running a personality site means I’m selling myself — intimate access to WHO I am — as much as jack-off material (which is everywhere nowadays for free), but maintaining a balance can be a challenge particularly since the balance other people want to see really varies. There are a lot of people who think the porno stuff is boring and others who think the “self-indulgent” softcore/personally revealing stuff is boring. I don’t get that information from my own members (who I guess usually know it’s futile/counter-productive to complain about what I do/don’t do), but from surfing around and reading the variety of opinions/assumptions on this matter. I gave up on trying to please “everybody” a long time ago, but still feel self-conscious sometimes KNOWING that people will look at some of what I put out there, particularly something they paid for, and will be dissatisfied. Even when you know you can’t please everybody, you still feel crappy sometimes that you can’t. That you know someone will be distinctly UNhappy because you’re older, because you’re too nasty, because you’re not nasty enough, because you’re shaved, because you’re hairy, because you’re too quiet or not quiet enough. It’s a constant challenge to silence that chatter in your head of what other people might be thinking and listen only to what you yourself want and think. But when I do, I hear that I want more cheap, stretchy, crushed-velvet dresses from the thrift store. I want more of the scenery I love that is home to me. I want more cleavage and swooning and vulgar meaty thighs.

I like being suggestive without fully delivering. I wonder how much of that’s a (mostly) chick thing — enjoying having a scene set and characters drawn and then using your own imagination to fill in the blanks to your own liking whereas (most) men want all of the blanks filled in for them in explicit, glossy detail. I have actually been thinking about duplicating and reformatting the way I present some of my softcore picture sets in order to fill in some of those blanks, or ramp up to the nudity in a way that makes it feel more like a money shot once you get to it, but I’m not sure I’ll ever have time for that project. I think it would be very effective, though.

Lately I feel a little tempted to stop updating my site as frequently and focus more on marketing Delia’s site. Financially, that would make a lot of sense, but I don’t want to do that. The fact that Delia’s site significantly outsells mine does free me up to think of her site as the bread and butter that allows me to totally fuck around on mine and do whatever I want without worrying that we’ll lose our main source of income when I alienate all of my members. Not that this would happen, but the appeal of Delia’s site compared to mine does give me a sense of freedom that it’s not all about me. It doesn’t all rely upon me. That’s a huge relief that allows me to end these annoying trains of insecure thought on a positive note and go back to indulging in my own flights of fancy. In the forest! Twirling around in a long dress! Wearing a gypsy necklace with amethysts! And what more do people want than my boobies, anyway?

Here are a few manageable topics I feel like blogging about. Leave comments (if you so desire) to tell me which one(s) you most want to read:

*What I thought about the VP debate/what I think about Palin

*Whores & Soldiers

*Time Management for WebWhores: email

*how I feel about Mad Men

*how I feel about Gossip Girl

*how I feel about alliteration in tv show titles

*Wonderfalls

*Time Management for WebWhores: money on top

*now that my partner identifies as a chick, does that make me a lesbian?

*what’s the latest on our conception attempts?

*how I spent many hours on two days not having hot sexy porno sex, but troubleshooting our sluggish internet connection and buying/installing a solution (and how the tech support kid totally tried to find out how to see me naked)

*how/why I’m loving Al-Anon

Of course, you can also just respond with advice like, “update your outdated FAQs, dildohead!” or ask me to compile all of my tweets about pooping.

I said, “comPILE”. Hehe.

I’ve had this poll buried in my sidebar for a few weeks where those of you using feedreaders probably haven’t seen it, so I’m giving it a post of its own for fun and greater visibility:

CLICK HERE if you can’t see the poll.

I can’t say for sure whether it will really make a difference in what I post here, but I’m always curious about people’s . . . desires. Feel free to leave comments to elaborate if you want.

*****

THE FOLLOWING IS BORING & BITCHY: READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL:

Today’s been one of those where every little annoying task has been much more difficult than it should have. Even posting this poll, for example, took five failed attempts, edits, logging into other sites for help, etc. before it worked. This whole post-poll part of the entry? Didn’t exist until that happened and I lost it and now just need to vent.

We received our three new 500 GB hard drives because we’re totally MAXED OUT on storage space, especially with our new camera and the huge pictures in two different sizes we’re posting for members. Tried to install one in just one of our Dells only to discover that their funny little proprietary blue mounting bracket/bay rails aren’t in two of our machines. And are apparently impossible to order. Very cute. This discovered after much googling and a long annoying chat with a very slow customer service person.

I tell you these things not because I imagine you want to hear me bitching, but just to shed light on some of the less glamorous aspects of webwhoring and to explain why sometimes I don’t have time to do nice things like reply to emails or, you know, create new content or get exercise so I won’t be a fucking lard ass.

I also tried to do a couple of the bootstraps method of site promotion via webmaster boards where you make posts to try to get some attention to your “program” so you can get people to sign up and promote your sites, and submitting to lists and directories. Because somehow we need to be able to pay for the new camera and hard drives and computers that I speak of and the realistic way to do that is to get more traffic to our sites so we can get more sales. I have to say that really put me in a bad mood today because it is such a joyless, inefficient, uncreative use of my time, especially when I know how much easier and more effective it would be to have money to pay for advertising. That whole “it takes money to make money” adage is so so so true, and the American Dream / pull yourself up by your bootstraps mirage is such a tired old joke. You run up against forums that require you to make 10, 25 or even 100 inane worthless posts on “would you hit it” threads and other more brutally misogynistic topics (or worse, the ones where the people actually are TRYING to be thoughtful professionals but can’t bare to restrain themselves from telling me my girlfriend and I shouldn’t be allowed to have children or that I’m a legal threat to them because I dare to masturbate when I menstruate) or just really BORING stuff before you can make a post with a link to your site or even a fucking picture. TIME SUCK.

Or you submit one of your sites to a directory and only AFTER adding a reciprocal link to them and studying their directory to determine what wording & subdirectory, etc. would fit in and also garner attention do you hit “submit” and get a totally nonsensical error. These are the parts of my job that I would love to have the money to never ever have to do again, either by being able to pay other people to do it for me or to avoid it completely by paying for advertising the normal and efficient way: WITH MONEY.

And these are the reasons why no matter what anybody says in the poll? My options are limited simply because my time is (simply because my MONEY is). This is not a feel sorry for me post, it’s just part of a record that includes contrast against the ways people who already HAVE money can run a business and/or produce lovely things like porn, art, or other pleasures. When you don’t have a rich daddy or collateral you have small, tiny, torturous steps to make that really do seem like schemes by rich people to insure you never. Do. Get ahead. At least not ahead of THEM, and certainly not without damaging yourself in the process or being a completely manic workaholic on stimulants (and even then you’d shoot holes in your computer out of frustration at having to work so slowly through all the obstacles that a moneyed person could soar over without a hitch).

I think I feel extra sensitive about this today in part because lately I’ve been working pretty hard (not twenty-two year old hard, but harder than I have been over the past couple of years) and been just about as focused as an ADD person can. It’s hard to see where it gets me except that I’m harder to be around (”don’t INTERRUPT me! Can’t you see I’m concentrating?”) and my eyes are crossing from looking at the computer for so many hours at a stretch.

*****

I actually have some really nice, pleasant, heart-warming things to blog about, but this bile rose to the surface tonight instead. My apologies, but I feel better now. Again, I would put this over on my bitchy blog instead of here, but I do think it’s interesting not as leisure-reading, but as documentation of how porn entrepreneurs without startup money have to operate. It’s especially frustrating to me when I have something GOOD to do (example: finishing a private diary entry that I started IN APRIL for members about one of my students, began re-researching/refreshing my memory to finish last night, and have had no time to properly immerse myself in today). And instead I’m spinning my wheels doing drudge work.

Here’s an email I got the other day from someone trying to decide whether or not to join my site:

Hey, sexy, I am thinking about joining your site. How many nice videos do you have in there? Do you do any fart video?

Out of all the emails I get that deserve responses, choosing to spend time replying to this one PROBABLY wasn’t wise or fair, but I did write back to say this:

Hi there! I don’t have any fart videos (well actually I have one, but it’s such a small and insignificant fart, it barely warrants mentioning). What I do have are spycams upon which patient voyeurs with audio enabled can sometimes hear me farting or even see me lifting my cheek to do so. No guarantees of when or how often or that you would catch it, though.

I don’t know how many videos I have at this point, and I’m not sure how many you would consider to be “nice” since that is a highly subjective term. Most people who join my site are into the whole “package” that I offer, both as a strange and wonderful human being AND as a porn site proprietress, and statistics barely enter into their decision of whether or not to join.

Good luck in making yours!

*Trixie*

It’s not that I think his questions aren’t legit, I’m just reluctant to hand out quantified guarantees of satisfaction to people who are reluctant to join without them since I doubt they will be happy with my site (especially in this case when I don’t have content to make a die-hard fart fetishist happy, even though I probably have MORE to offer him than other non-fart-focused porn sites).

Mostly I answer emails like this one because it’s so freeing to be flip, especially when the person expects me to do everything I can to convince him to buy and I’m just not going to. It’s so much easier to communicate with people I *know* I can’t make happy than it is to write back to the people who really want to hear from me and whose opinions I genuinely care about. I feel guilty for it, but there it is.

*****

I have a lot (even more than usual) of maintenance, (re)design, and promo work to do on a lot of our sites so that’s where I’m focusing most of my computer time. We have an appointment with Delia’s therapist on Tuesday to talk about coming out to her family about her transition so that will probably be our day off for the week since we have to traverse a few counties to get there/won’t be home most of the day.

Next week we’ve rented a room to shoot fancier photo sets with hosiery, etc. than we’ve been doing lately. I’m excited because the walls are PURPLE! You have no idea how much of my webwhore happiness depends on shooting in colorful locations. In the first two weeks of August we’ll need to focus on shooting a lot, too, so we won’t be posting galleries shot in the same exact place for two months straight.

I have a couple of really exciting things to blog about but just wanted to post something quickly today to stay in touch and let you know where we’re focusing. Twitter’s been down a lot so I haven’t been able to do it there reliably (and am worried Twitter’s downtime is effecting the way our members see our members-only area since it won’t load the rest of the page until it tries to load our tweets). I should redesign that, too, so twitter is the last thing to load, but it would so fuck up the balance. Sigh . . . I wish the twitter fuckers would monetize it already so they could afford to make it WORK.

Just in case you didn’t believe that my weight gain is a real thing with an impact on my health, here’s a photo of my face last month telling the tale:

I do not even look like myself in that picture. I actually think I look cute in it, but like someone else. Oh yeah, I *recognize* that it *is* me, but she’s like an alter ego of some sort, like I was transformed overnight (which of course is ridiculous since it’s taken me awhile to get there) or am experiencing a Freaky Friday scenario where I’m magically switching places with my chubby twin sister.

That is the biggest and SOFTEST I’ve been in my entire life and the second time I’ve weighed that much (around 130, 132 pounds). I am back to 125 and those five pounds make an enormous difference in the number of chins I have (and if I lost only ten pounds now I’d be at a very good place). At the time of that photo my period was severely overdue, not because of pregnancy but because I didn’t ovulate which I’m certain is because of how overweight I was. I know 130 pounds doesn’t sound enormous considering how much fatter people are capable of getting, but for my frame that is just really WAY too much. With my hormones totally out of wack and the stress and pressure of our plans to get pregnant being delayed and feeling out of control, all I wanted to do was eat. Carbs. Lots of them. It’s a vicious circle.

Once my period finally started last month I stopped having my usual two teaspoons of sugar in my morning tea, stopped eating candy (except some dark chocolate here and there), and have been exercising more. I feel better, but still have a major energy dive in the afternoon/early evening and have been napping almost every day; it’s only 30-60 minutes, but I feel enormously guilty about it for some reason. I don’t know if I’m just stressed out, tired from exercising, fat and lazy, or have some internal voice ordering me to focus on a very few things. It is (and has been for the past nine months or so) very difficult for me to focus on anything besides our conception attempts. It sounds stupid, since if I were really focusing I should have been exercising more and eating better, but my main priority has been to try not to stress out my mind or body. All I have wanted to do was try to be patient, calm, and relaxed and honestly? Accomplishing that takes all of my energy, I think. And lots of food and lazing around.

It should come as no surprise that I have not felt great about shooting photos and videos of myself. Part of it is self-consciousness about my weight, but another part might also be me feeling a need to keep some of me to myself. Trying and failing to get pregnant over and over makes me feel like there’s a demand being placed on my body that I keep failing to meet in spite of the many different adjustments and approaches and changes we make to get it done. I already feel like I’m asking enough of my body, forcing it to get fucked on a schedule, to tell me what it’s thinking, to subject it to tests, to tell it to work harder and be “healthy”. Other than that, I really just want to put it in a cocoon of blankets and comfortable clothes and to try to let my mind escape. I want to protect myself, my mind AND body, from more opportunities for failure.

There are a few other factors contributing to my state of mind, including missing my girly birth control hormones, my ADD and hypersensitivity to stimuli (I am fucking exhausted from processing so much information and trying to tune things out; I have not been able to concentrate at all on blogging or anything), stress/guilt over an argument I had with my mom in March, MISSING my nephew and longing to live closer to my family, and the way all these things work together to make me feel, I suppose, a little depressed. I’m not particularly worried about it in the short term, but if I allow myself to fret about how long this trying-to-conceive business could go on I do get anxious and concerned about, ummm, my mental and emotional health.

I guess my main priorities right now are making my body healthier and focusing on transcending daily worries to get to a place where it’s all good, whether it’s in a nap, brushing the dog, dancing, reading a book, writing for myself, daydreaming about things that make me happy, visualizing the positive possibilities, drowning myself in mindless entertainment, researching stuff I want to know for future and current projects, listening to cheesy new age music, smelling good things and enjoying sensual (but nonsexual) pleasures like massage, or processing these thoughts and reflecting on my needs the way I am right now by writing this. I feel better having done it.

But I still don’t feel like shooting porn. Not today, anyway. And of course this makes me feel slack and guilty which only deepens my mini-depression. I would like to be more productive and intellectually have a hard time allowing myself a break; part of me says if I were a better person I would just WORK HARDER. Still, I know that once we do get pregnant, if we do, there will be a whole new set of demands on my body so maybe it’s okay for me to just SURVIVE right now.

NOTE TO MEMBERS: I’m not saying that I’m ceasing shooting, just that updates are coming a little slower than I’d like and don’t have as much tastiness as usual. I’m sure we will shoot soon, especially since I’m no longer quite as pudgy as in the above photo. Oh, and another uninspiring factor in all of this is that we really need a better camera; I bought this one in 2002 and it’s really not up to par anymore and has some problems. Not so fun to shoot with and the results are less than stellar.