New moon in Pisces | day 36 of my cycle became day 1 | I rode the ferry back to Seattle.
At The Neptune, which used to be a movie theatre where I think I saw either The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi with my family . . . or maybe I’m thinking of The Coliseum (maybe my mom remembers and will tell me):
I reunited with Delia there so we could go to a show: Greensky Bluegrass (from Delia’s home state of Michigan).
It’s good to be in front especially when people can actually play instruments for real. My favorite parts were their longer bluegrass solos and woogier progressive instrumental jams, especially when the bass vibrated our chests.
I thought their opening band (Tumbleweed Wanderers) had a great repertoire of songs that were perfectly accessible without being specifically familiar with them at all.
***** probably going to regret posting this but anyway: *****
The population of our home for the past twelve years is notably older. The median age is 53 years old. So walking around Seattle’s University District was BIZARRE for me. I never spent time there, for one, but when I did go there (just to see movies) I was that age. Now I’m TWICE that age. It was all very alien and adorable, like being on a movie set where all of the extras don’t even know that they’re in a movie and just think they’re at camp or something. That is how far removed I am from college populations.
I know some of you imagine my wife and I enjoying it like cougars on the prowl, but I don’t feel that way at all (except for times like this and stuff). I feel more of an arms-length kind of respect and appreciation for younger people (which is probably just as disrespectful as an exploitative feeling would be, and just rooted in being isolated from large and diverse crowds of people for so long partly due to location but also my tendency to avoid spending time around lots of people). My feeling when I see folks in the meatworld in their teens and twenties is admiration, happiness and relief, and a mixture of “very nice & cute & lovely / but not for me / and so glad I don’t have to be that age again”.
I’m still uncertain about shooting porn or having recreational sex with people of that age. I remember young men and women in their late teens and early twenties thinking I was an “older woman” when I was only 26, 27, 28ish. Now that we’re in our forties there’s no question about it – we are their parents’ ages at a time when the difference between a freshman and a senior is HUGE to many of them.
Yes, I think they’re sexually delicious when I look at pictures and porn, but I’m not sure if I can feel that way about them in real life. I think the protective THOSE-YOUNG-PEOPLE-ARE-NOT-FOR-DIRTY-OLD-MEN feelings might be too strong for me to overcome. Which is somewhat condescending, I know, and also probably a function of wanting to maintain the erotic taboo of objectifying them as fantasy masturbation fodder and playing WAY too much into the (lack of) age factor.
Basically: I kind of feel gross about myself either way I slice it.
I’d feel better about it if we were rich enough to shower them with money. That is the only decent way to be indecent (and not in a shitty I-own-you way now let me tell you how to live your life blah blah blah, but in a genuinely appreciative way that recognizes YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE THE FIRM YOUNG FLESH EXPOSED TO YOUR DIRTY EXPLOITATIVE EYES kind of way). Of course I think forty-something women should be similarly worshiped, though.
I’m probably making WAY too much out of something that is healthiest when it’s not treated like a big deal or any of my business to worry about. Except that it IS my business as a pornographer (who also loves kinky-yet-old-fashioned role plays) to make big deals out of milking every little potential sexy hot button I possibly can, and agonizing over the horribly compelling naughty juiciness of hot college pussy and painfully-rigid unwilting boy cock to soft experienced women of my age and all of the men who pay money to jack off looking at the things we get to do with ourselves and allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the people out there who want to fuck us.
Louie / SO OLD / duh young pussy smells good:
So maybe I should go ahead and make dates with all of these boys who want to pretend I’m their mommy. Including the one who has a picture on his dating profile with his friend who I’m pretty sure is a kid I actually saw being born / coming out of MY friend’s vagina a couple of decades ago.
And I can impress them by being SO OLD that I saw the very first Star Wars movie when it first came out . . . AT A DRIVE-IN.
At the concert I had the TOTALLY APPROPRIATELY CENSORED pleasure of standing at the stage next to a super cute SELF-POSSESSED articulate SOBER young lady (with awesome boobs stretching out her t-shirt). And all I wanted to do was make sure she got home or back to her dorm safely and had a nice night out on her own without anybody fucking with her. Because in real life those are my actual maternal instincts.
Bug necklace dangling near Trixie's ample cleavage
Delia knows exactly what kind of thoughtful presents to give me; she brought home the most awesome present for me:
Scorpion gift box
Nevermind what’s inside . . . the box is super cool!
Opening my little bug box
Look at the shiny, iridescent beetle necklace my girlfriend got me!!
A symbol of true love!
There is a special reason why this pendant made Delia think of me; once upon a time I was a beetle breeder.
In elementary school I was always interested but totally lost and intimidated when teachers sprang special projects on us like building rockets, making volcanoes or constructing cameras out of milk cartons. It’s like I was always absent on the days that the secret instructions were handed out telling us to bring money for those brown motors or maybe it was always the OTHER class that got to do those things. I think the mealworm project studying beetle life cycles was one of those things the OTHER class got to do that I was totally jealous of.
So I did the mealworm project at home. Purely for fun.
My mom would never let me have a pet snake so I guess bugs were the next best thing. Not that I was ever totally unafraid of spiders and such, and I *hated* moths, but I was also fascinated by insects and all the little dark nooks and crannies and tunnels they could explore.
I consulted with my friend Ruth (she was in the OTHER class) to determine what supplies I needed: jars with airholes, oatmeal, apple chunks. I captured my own beetles from the base of our old apple tree in the backyard. It grossed my out a little, the way they skittered around so quickly, but I viewed overcoming this fear as a healthy challenge and soon grew to enjoy the tiny tickles of their little black legs scurrying up my arm.
I thought my ability to unflinchingly let bugs crawl on me was an enviable trait to cultivate that would impress people, like when nobody else in my class wanted to hold and stroke a small, velvety black slug during a field trip to the zoo. I don’t remember why the fuck this zookeeper was teaching us about slugs, but I do remember feeling that I’d found a niche where I could jump straight to the top. So what if I failed at rockets and wanted to cry on field day? I could save face by being an imperturbable slug and bug handler! Plus I kind of liked making girls scream and giggle.
In no time I was observing beetle life in all of its stages. The alien-looking pupae were the most disturbingly mesmerizing. I had to increase my containers to hold all of my grubs, pupae and mature beetles. I didn’t have enough covered jars so I just used different bowls from our kitchen and loosely covered them with plastic. Pretty soon the bedroom I shared with my sister started to smell like dusty oatmeal and decomposing apples, but in my role as omnipotent overlord of the beetles I could watch the beetles’ frenzied mating. They were exposed and vulnerable, driven by instinct to procreate in the open on beds of Quaker Oats.
They were also developing genetic defects because of inbreeding. This was a lesson the limited research of the OTHER class never got around to learning! I tried introducing new beetles to the population, but the rate of abnormalities increased. Soon there were albino beetles, pupae with black lesions, slow-moving beetles that failed to thrive and aggressive, kamikaze beetles hell-bent on escaping the bowls of oatmeal.
One day I looked at the bowls full of beetles spread all over my desk so close to our beds and was suddenly horrified by them. I could learn no more from them and they were on the verge of mutiny.
I had to get rid of them FAST before they overran the bowls and poured out in black waves (dotted with albino white) all over our bedroom. I pushed open a window and started flinging beetles and oatmeal outside. I couldn’t dump them quickly enough . . . they were trying to climb back up the wall outside to get in and seek revenge! I kept throwing bowl after bowl of beetles in various stages of life out of the window, shrieking when they clung to the bowl and started climbing up my arm. I cruelly flicked them off with my fingernails, trying to launch them as far away from the window as possible.
It would have been perfect if I could’ve graduated to snakes or lizards because then I could have fed my beetles to them instead of wasting them all like that. Once, when I was a little older, my mom got mad at me when I screamed after reaching into a bag of potatoes in our dark pantry and pulling out a few maggots on a damp spud. I wish I’d have had the presence of mind to point out her hypocrisy, having the balls to chastise me for reacting to a handful of maggots on our food when she had a snake phobia precluding me from having the best pet of all: a beautiful legless reptile to hang around my neck while reading.
Busty buglover still wants a snake!!
Believe it or not, this is not my only story about bug-keeping. I’ll try to tell you about my other bug endeavors one of these days. . .
Once upon a time in the eighties I read a story in Cosmo about a woman who got stuck on a plane sitting next to a guy who whipped out a porn magazine in flight, putting her in a Very Uncomfortable Position.
There was a pretty good piece in The Washington Post about the same thing happening with porn on mobile devices (stupid WP makes you have a login to read, sorry). Normally most coverage of publicly-consumed porn is really biased and weird, but they did an okay job of it: TECHNOLOGY INCREASES CHANCES TO SEE PORN IN PUBLIC.
Listen. I will defend every adult’s right to buy porn, to make porn, and to think whatever taboo sexual thoughts they want, but when you shove it into someone else’s face, you’re sexually assaulting them. You are forcing them to engage in a sexual encounter with you and your fucking porn without their consent. Is it to the same degree as actually jacking off on them on a plane or frottaging(sp?) them on a train or taking your own dick out and shaking it at them? Of course not (and I totally understand FANTASIZING about doing all of those things or FANTASIZING about those things happening to you), but I personally would press charges against someone who did that next to me. It’s unacceptable.
Of course, I say these things having been resentful at times when I wanted to pull up a NSFW blog or my own site when we’ve been on the road and in internet cafes and had to limit myself or do a lot of alt+tabbing, but that’s a far cry from the guy in the story who started watching hardcore, audible porn with not only the woman right next to him, but HER KIDS, too. The thought of it honestly makes my blood boil and my imagination to immediately go to a place in my head where I’m kicking this man’s teeth in and beating him about the head with his fucking laptop.
The shocking part to me is how many people (let’s face it, mostly MEN) think they’re entitled to publicly entertain their dicks wherever and whenever they want. How can you POSSIBLY think that’s okay? AND WHY ARE THEY GETTING AWAY WITH IT? Frankly I think we’re all obligated to publicly humiliate (to an extent that goes beyond what some of them are probably after in the first place) and legally dog these idiots.
Is there a grey area where I’d be more forgiving? Yeah. I know sometimes when you’re rowdy with another person at dinner or something you might flash some pictures on your cell phone at your buddy and someone might see it from a distance, but when your bubble is touching a stranger’s bubble either physically or audibly, you just do NOT insert sex into said stranger’s bubble. If you’re many seats away from anybody and nobody can HEAR your porn, I think that’s less of a big deal. If you make a valiant effort to hide it when someone approaches, I think that’s okay. And personally I wouldn’t care if someone masturbated next to me on a plane as long as they didn’t expose themselves or touch me or make eye contact with me and they did their best to hide it.
I think that I’ve masturbated under a blanket on a plane just to relax so I don’t know . . . maybe I’m drawing my lines in very subjective ways. I know I’ve had conversations in restaurants that were really graphic, loud, and could easily have made people uncomfortable but I think I’ve never done that with kids around. I hope not, anyway. Plus, I *love* listening to other people have conversations like that. UNLESS it’s guys talking trash about women or anybody calling people names. I have been known to ream people out for that. But it’s still different to talk about a sexual encounter and have people overhear you than start HAVING a sexual encounter with your porn and force people near you to have it with you, whether you intend to or not. And when your loud conversation disparages and insults people it’s kind of the same thing; you’ve drawn total strangers into your bullshit in a hurtful way.
I’ve also been known to have very noisy sex in apartments and not been modest at all about closing curtains when I’m naked or fucking in my own home to the point where I’ve been chastised by property managers and I don’t think people should have to be quiet in the summer when they’re fucking with the windows open to let in cool air at night (god, I love that sound). But I still think that’s different — there are walls, even though they’re penetrable and rendered mostly symbolic, that symbolism is something every civilized person should be able to recognize that establishes distance and literally marks the boundaries of what’s inside and private and what’s out. It’s an entirely different thing, however, if you stand in your window or your yard making eye contact with schoolgirls as you’re masturbating. That is ENGAGING people and forcing them to participate in your scene. NOT OKAY. Same with listening to loud extreme porn where a neighbor or passerby could hear the sounds of people in pain or engaging in kinky roleplays (I wish I could find the link to a story about someone calling the police on his neighbor because it sounded like he was raping/killing a woman when in actuality he was “just” watching violent porn for hours at high volume). On the other hand, I think it’s perfectly allright for people to masturbate in their cars on their lunch breaks or whatever, with or without porn, as long as they’re not standing up through their sunroof and ejaculating on their windshield or making whatever they’re doing and/or watching visible to people close by.
Then of course I have to admit I’ve exposed myself in public places, mostly for pictures but sometimes just for the pure fun of it. Again, I’m worried that I have a double standard even though I’m 99% *convinced* that when I’ve done it it was DIFFERENT . . . safe and wholesome even when sexually suggestive. Somehow I just don’t believe a nude Trixie is threatening or dangerous or harmful, and I especially don’t think anything is “assault” if you are in a park or something but attempting to be discreet and someone stumbles upon you. If you’re lurking in some bushes, though, waiting for an unsuspecting victim to come along so you can expose yourself to them, then THAT is fucked up. I have masturbated in a library, but I didn’t *want* to be caught, so that makes it okay, right? I mean, I would have been mortified if I’d gotten caught! But for some reason I feel perfectly content telling everyone about it, even my friends only an hour after the fact.
So what about the way I have explicit nudity and sometimes sex acts on the front page of some of my sites (like this blog) without a warning page? Is that just as bad? Of course, I still think that’s different. Is it just because it’s ME and what I want to do? I don’t think so. People who don’t want to see porn can block my sites and I have also added metatags to make it easy for my pages to be identified as adult. Also, I’m not SITTING DOWN next to strangers in public places and making them watch and listen to movies of me masturbating and fucking. Anyone who sees me online still has the control to close their browser.
Then again, I’ve taken my top off on a hot day when driving in heavy traffic. I still had my bra on, but I *so* wanted to take it off and felt very irritated that I could get in trouble for that. I still do. I don’t know how anyone could have a problem with rush hour boobs. Or rush hour masturbating. Just don’t LEER at people, you know?
The whole time I’ve been writing this, comparing these different scenarios, I’ve been torn. I want to be honest with myself and challenge myself to think critically about whether or not my boundaries and judgments are consistent, correct and safe BUT I wonder if by doing that publicly, I’m letting everyone off the hook and confusing issues that are actually very clear.
I could mull this over all night, about how it’s different to shove sex in someone’s unwilling face in a confined space versus being off-trail in a state park giving a pal a handjob when someone stumbles upon you and you quickly try to cover up and the other people are easily able to turn around and go the other way. I could sit here and list all of the reasons why it’s BEYOND inconsiderate to make other people watch/listen to porn (and why it’s especially wrong, I’m afraid to admit [and simultaneously uncomfortable with my hesitation to boldly say], when a MAN does this to a WOMAN and/or kids).
Confession: some of the phone sex calls I’ve taken and gotten off to hardest were from guys with this “problem”, or who at least fantasized about acting on those urges. Guys jerking off in their apartments watching the girls walk home from school in short skirts. Guys jacking off in the parking lot and exposing themselves to their coworkers and other ladies just trying to drive away. Guys sitting in internet cafes with hardons. I mean, pretty much all of the stuff I get off to hardest is taboo stuff I’d never want to happen in real life.
So how do I feel (almost) completely comfortable saying that if I caught somebody doing these things in real life I’d kick in their teeth, BUT when someone confesses it to me on the phone I just coyly call them naughty, FEIGN shock and disgust, and furiously masturbate myself to orgasm?
I don’t think I’m (a big) part of the problem, but I know a lot of people would beg to differ.
The Washington Post article kind of blows off this behavior as just “too much information” or “socially inappropriate” or shaped by our mobile device culture making people self-absorbed, inconsiderate shitholes (TRUE), but I still think it’s much more sinister and criminal than that in ways that the men MIGHT not get (or totally DO get and that’s part of the thrill). And fuck if I have the patience to explain it right now. Let me know if you want me to, though, and/or if you have some links to people who already have and/or if you want to take a stab at it yourself.
It boggles my mind how I can peck out this many words and still leave so many dangerous gaps.
An amazing MUST-READ piece about Tyra Banks media-raping young, too-smart-for-tv porn starlet, Sasha Grey:
Barely Legal Whores Get Gang-Fucked.
I used to have no beef with Tyra. Before we actually WATCHED her shows. I still think some people get crazy-mean criticizing her, but if they do, this is a perfect example of why. Her double standards and bullshit exploitation of young women is a gross freak show. You can’t help wanting to knock her off her high horse. Some of the things I have seen and read about her doing to young women are despicable, mostly because she sees no problem with having malnourished girls get hypothermic modeling in pools of cold water or in violating codes by forcing inexperienced model-wannabes to live more-to-a-room with fewer beds than are allowed by hotel regulations or with promising contracts and money and work that never come through or just plain exploiting these young women’s bodies, inexperience, stupidity, etc. BUT she somehow thinks porn is SO BAD while she’s some kind of a fucking mother-hen angel rescuer.
Tyra’s shows ARE porn. That article illustrates how manipulative, degrading, deceptive, brainwashing, irrational, insulting, and totally FUCKED UP mainstream media and moral standards are and how SHADY the game is of pointing the finger at the skin trade when the skin is the whole reason people are watching your charade. The hypocrisy is grotesque. They lie to guests, twist their words, misrepresent them, costume them in a misleading manner to try to prove their bullshit points and “seduce” audiences with their bullshit and subject people like Sasha who are smarter than Tyra to what amounts to an emotional stoning. That whole scene reminds me of the time a bible-based cult ganged up on me to try to convince me I was possessed by demons, going to hell, my mind was playing crafty tricks on me, etc. Seriously.
But I’m not here to JUDGE you, Tyra. I’m just here to ask you to CONSIDER fucking off and dying. YOU are a pimp, Tyra. YOU.
PS – starving yourself and wearing high heeled shoes that don’t fit and falling off runways and crap are probably more unhealthy and more unnatural than buttfucking.
PPS – seduced by money? Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
PPPS – after watching/reading that I can say I’m a now a Sasha Grey fan (VOD or DVD – yes, I’m pimping, too).