Just got home last night. Been gone way too much this month: almost half the month. One of one of my orchid’s buds burst open while I was gone.
I have a lot of catching up to do with the blackcaps and other berries in the backyard.
The amount of good I feel from yardwork (which for me is very slow and meditative and not super productive) is HUGE. Cutting back prickly little vines and salal reaching too far into pathways. Moving small piles of the prickly vines & leaves from wherever to The Big Pile. Watering & pulling weeds occasionally.
Here’s a glimpse of one of the things we did while I was in Seattle:
I love my wife in long knit maxi dresses. JOIN NOW for all of her “tenting” pics & videos!
Other things I did over the weekend in Seattle:
- called 911 on the way after neighbor called to alert me to suspicious dude on our property
- felt super grateful for how much lithium orotate is helping my brain because without it I would never have been able to hold multiple stressful conversations on the phone while in crowded ferry terminal, WALKING, etc.
- we celebrated a belated mother’s day with my mom
- took her to brunch at Salty’s & cruised Alki afterwards
- watched Hello My Name is Doris
- resolved to watch more movies in our building’s theater room
- walked through & past all of the drunk Mariners fans & the stadium(s)
- finally bought contemptible vaping supplies for easier consumption of headache medicine. And stuff.
- grudgingly became a convert to vaping
- restrained myself from impulsive potential porno opportunity with beautiful young man
- regretted so thoroughly restraining myself
- played games on my phone while Delia listened to streaming Phish concerts
- shot a couple sets of pics & videos for DeliaTS.com
- ate delicious foods
- made more shoot plans / did prep work for upcoming shoots & trips
- discussed DeliaTS.com redesign, took notes on what Delia wants for it, mocked up some things, bought & played with some fonts
- Bused / walked to & from the naked lady spa where I spent a day alone
- unexpected SURPRISE ride on double-decker Sound Transit bus!
- I got to sit
- up top!
- in the very front seat!!
- ON THE WATER SIDE!!!
- tried not to feel bad about spending money on a spa day
- I haven’t been there in over a year … jesus!
- had a PMS-exacerbated rare pouty spat with Delia upon my return
- was again super grateful for the lithium keeping me way more balanced than I’d normally be … and for how calm Delia is about such things (although super frustratingly yet blessedly impossible to actually FIGHT with)
- we put a date night with each other on the calendar: too much of our time with each other lately has been work or family or just trying to recover from work &/or family
- enjoyed lunch Delia prepared & amazing view with each other on the top floor of our building
- got ORCA cards
- even with research online, was prepared for it to be more difficult than it should be
- no white people in positions where they should be able to help folks procure ORCA cards knew fuck all about how to go about it; black guy whose job it was not to help me (pretty sure he was a ferry boat captain), helped me with MULTIPLE options and very clear instructions & directions for each of them
- finally dropped in at the Seattle Mystery Bookshop
- realized my backpack was way too heavy to be carrying so far after putting it all into a big suitcase and even though it has wheels realized it’s WAY TOO HEAVY, even not on my back
- enjoyed the ferry terminal & ride while high because the vaping thing makes it way too convenient to do so
- made an awkward dorky ass of myself alternately trying to / not to flirt with someone in the ferry terminal
- drank too much coke zero because my throat felt scratchy (yes, even though it’s just VAPOR … whatever, stoners) so even though I peed on the ferry the bus rides home were kind of torture
- was picked up & driven home by friend who saw & pitied me on my long walk with enormous heavy suitcase
- delivered home in time to not burst bladder
- discovered house safe and sound and apparently not broken into!
It’s good to be home.
The ones that get dry-looking in the sun without getting smutty are the JAMMIEST!
Cabin roof / skylight in the background
Have been very pleasantly sidetracked
- familiarizing myself with an awesome new design tool
- will help with all the site (re)design(s) we need to do
- helps with style consistency / strengthens branding
- starting lithium
- on the level/dosage of a nutritional supplement
- NOT the prescription kind
- only $6.99 for 60 capsules
- WOW – it’s fucking awesome!
- don’t worry; doctor recommended, and researched
It is such a relief and MIRACLE to have a cheap easy fast safe healthy way to make the inside of my brain quiet and not fucking hurt or be scary. It’s amazing.
Doing the same thing for a decade in your small business can be pretty fucking awesome. Addictively so; once you get used to a routine and certain tools you rely on them and only needing a certain amount of time to produce something to the point where you don’t want to change or improve (or can’t without shutting down for awhile) because THAT WILL TAKE TOO LONG. Changing, learning something new, making improvements . . . those things take time and cost money and require you to use your brain in different ways and mean you’re not doing something else (usually the things that customers recognize and value and directly result in making money).
Having efficient routines is great, and producing consistent results is nice for everybody, but not changing or learning or improving actually sucks. For many years we’ve used Photoshop, Arles gallery builder, Dreamweaver and WinZip to edit and deliver huge galleries of photos to our members, and create promotional galleries and images. But a bunch of our old machines died (if they hadn’t I would have kept making them work even though we really have needed to upgrade them) and we lost our old software or just didn’t want to install super old software on our new machines when it’s high time we started doing things differently. By using Lightroom, for example, to catalog and process our photos and galleries.
We have SHIT TONS of photos, many of them with multiple very specific elements of interest, fetish appeal, audience appropriateness, etc. It’s very difficult to organize all of those images — our ASSETS — so they’re easy to find and rebrand or use as advertisements or just re-release them as standards change to allow for bigger and better presentations.
Storing our assets, organizing them and backing them up are huge jobs, and I’ve heard that Lightroom is a great tool to work with images so they only need to be stored in one place but you can apply different edits to the same image, export them in a variety of ways, TAG them (and we have a lot of keywords that should be applied in any gallery we shoot), create collections (like all of the non-nude white panty pics that are four or five stars shot outside where I’m wearing glasses, just as an imaginary example, or all of my aereola macros or upskirts with no panties or what the fuck ever) and export them in a bunch of different ways.
It’s hilarious listening to civilian photographers referring to their catalog of 16,000 photos as though that’s a huge number. HILARIOUS!!!! And speaking of needing to tag and categorize tons of content, this blog is so very many years overdue for that kind of treatment. I wish we could hire a professional indexer. One who is finely attuned to and knowledgeable of fetish, and who is a fan.
Anyway . . . I have to take time to learn new things and develop new systems. And it drives me fucking batshit. Watching tutorials and listening to some fucking wedding photographer explain why he’s not flagging/picking a picture of the loving couple because “uhhhh . . . that’s basically just a picture of their butts . . . we don’t want that” drives me insane, but since everything is a video these days you can’t just skim the content and get the couple of gems of information you need, you have to actually watch entire painstaking processes happen in real time, narrated by someone talking SUPER SLOWLY sometimes, or saying dumb things about people’s butts (it was a really cute picture that included their cute butts!!! Why would you reject that?!?!? Which must be why I’m a romantic pornographer, because “awwwww . . . look how in love their butts are!”). And while I suffer through that and see how very little I’ve actually accomplished after hours of this shit, I start questioning whether anything I do has meaning and get super depressed and hopeless and . . . yeah. At least I’m not the one reading this boring blog entry, though. NO I AM WRITING IT. What an accomplishment. Yay.
I promise before I shoot myself in the head, I will just take some drugs and go to sleep for awhile instead. Oh wait . . . I just had a really satisfying bowel movement, which makes me feel so much more accomplished and happier than watching tutorials and slogging very slowly through processes that will probably make ABSOLUTELY NO NOTICEABLE DIFFERENCE TO OUR MEMBERS but somehow this is what I need to do fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Too many things. TOO MANY THINGS!!!! And too few of them are actually HAVING SEX or JUST LOOKING VERY SEXY IN A WARM AND WELL-APPOINTED ROOM.
It’s times like this where I remember how awesome it was to work for somebody / not be self-employed and just be looking askance at co-workers bitching about having to take time out of regular work in order to learn to use some new software some hack made that may or may not make our jobs easier, and how fun those days would be, and how smart I would feel mastering something new and not having to pay any of the consequences of it being totally worthless or counterproductive. Working for yourself means you have to be the boss making those decisions and the manager and the trainer and the bitchy and/or stupid and/or impatient employee and the coach-y teambuilder keeping everybody positive I HATE BEING MY OWN COACHY TEAMBUILDER. Maybe I should try doing this boring multiple-personality work high.
Most of the people in my family — the people I come from whose blood I share — have (or had when they were still alive) a very VERY difficult time coping with interruptions.
Case in point, this uncle.
I didn’t know him very well (he lived too far away) except that he always had a chip on his shoulder and blamed my aunt (his mom) for his problems, creating him as a “bastard”, refusing to tell him who his father was. He appeared to have no sympathy for her and the REAL and horrible abuse she suffered as a child. No, HE was the really tragic victim deprived by her of a father and his identity.
My mom also told me he was smart and well-read with more sophisticated tastes than other people in our family.
He struck me as exceedingly dramatic. Most of the people in my family — the people I come from whose blood I share — are pretty motherfucking dramatic.
Alone with rain pouring down outside in the middle of the night
Trying to distract myself with funny selfies after horrid nightmare.
The rain that sounded magical and comfortingly enveloping at 3 am turned into the soundtrack for a nightmare over the next two hours. In my sleep I could hear voices outside, knocking, scratching, beating all around and against and underneath my little shelter. I dreamt I woke up and knew the voices belonged to at least one person who was violently mad at me. I got my phone to try to get ready to call for help, but of course my phone was sluggish and unresponsive. And then his punishing arms reached through the window and I couldn’t get far enough away, they were getting longer and his hands on my neck and I couldn’t breathe and his head came through the window at me.
Then I woke up for real, gasping for air, SWEATING . . . trying to find the volume knob to turn off the surround-sound percussion instruments, but I couldn’t turn them off because it was the heavy rain on my metal roof and on the wood outside and against the skylight. And an animal scratching under the floor, under the toilet when I went pee in the dark. And a Navy jet flying low and fast and noisy because we live out here and can’t do anything to protect our freedom from military noise without being unpatriotic. And a cement-mixer or brush-cutter or street-cleaner humming and rumbling ominously blocks away.
And a bird at 6 am when I finally let myself go back to sleep.
I wish I still had Klonopin to stop me from dreaming too much. Part of the reason I had this heavy dreaming last night is because I hadn’t had enough sleep the night before and was up too late, plus I didn’t smoke. I *did* take GABA which I rarely do, so not sure if that contributed to it, or if being potassium deficient alters the effects of GABA.
Happy for all the rain we’ve gotten lately. Also happy to wake up to blue skies today.
I got my B Vitamin and Magnesium shots today (totally way overdue and mentally ill in large part because of not staying on top of them):
B-12 deficiency can be a serious thing:
. . . vitamin B12 deficiency can lead to deep depression, paranoia and delusions, memory loss, incontinence, loss of taste and smell, and more . . . . Symptoms may include:
- strange sensations, numbness, or tingling in the hands, legs, or feet
- difficulty walking (staggering, balance problems)
- a swollen, inflamed tongue
- yellowed skin (jaundice)
- difficulty thinking and reasoning (cognitive difficulties), or memory loss
- paranoia or hallucinations
I don’t know why I keep failing to stay juiced up on them. I hope I don’t have permanent brain damage because of it. I originally started getting these injections because of migraines, but HELLO discovered they make a whole lot of crazy symptoms / conditions (that I was afraid I was imagining and didn’t even know to articulate) go away.
This time around I think my failure to stay on top of them is that I sometimes feel shitty the day I get them (SO WHAT?!?), they’re expensive, and . . . I’ve been attributing a lot of my issues to smoking MJ which I never really did more than a handful of times up until a little over a year ago. Plus it helped me deal with (but also masked and ultimately contributed to) a lot of the depression and other symptoms until recently. Anyway, I took a week off which helped me see these symptoms for what they are.
Maybe having anxiety attacks because I think my tongue is swollen and I can’t breathe is ACTUALLY BECAUSE MY TONGUE IS SWOLLEN. And maybe when I feel like I’m walking sideways and lose my balance IT’S BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS FUXORED (and I had this problem over five years ago before I started on the shots and increased my insulin sensitivity and ALL OF THAT WENT AWAY). Along with
- muscle spasms in my abdomen
- “air hunger”
- “brain fog”
- numb pinky fingers and toes
- dropping things
- fast-cycling bipolar disorder
- auditory hallucinations
- blurred vision
- shaking hands
- DID I MENTION MIGRAINES?
- paranoia and anxiety
- constipation (not this time around, but I imagine I have petrified shit still in my body like a stone baby from years back)
- weird sensations of coldness in small areas of my calves and belly (not this time around)
- I can’t tell when I have to pee or not / pee tiny amounts a zillion times a day
- PEEING when I cough/laugh/sneeze
- FUCKING EXHAUSTED
- can’t fucking concentrate on SHIT
- repetitive/obsessive thoughts (like a song lyric on repeat . . . or a short imagined scene of your nephew’s head being run over by a car replaying OVER and OVER and OVER) (not super bad this time around)
Forcing myself to list these things I feel like a dumb ass. It was (felt & appeared like) a miracle when these shitty-ass things went away five years ago and I swore to myself I would never settle for anything less than the healthy feelings I had then, SO WHY HAVE I SETTLED FOR IT? In part because I’ve had migraines and depression all of my life and forget that maybe that’s not really WHO I AM, but just some shit that can be taken care of. BUT I also made so many other changes then, including:
I’m sure all of those things help me. A LOT. Which lulls me into thinking I don’t really need to do any of them all of the time. I’ve been blaming a lot on going back off the pill (it’s been over a year now), making me riddled with more testosterone / less estrogen, and not only overeating, but overeating total shit. I’m talking about eating up to eight pop tarts, two huge bowls of cheesy noodles, ding dongs and a whole bunch of other shit almost every night about a year ago. That’s not good, even if you’re a totally healthy person a foot taller than I am, so that’s obviously a huge contributing factor given how fucked up blood sugar = fucked up brains (oversimplifying a complex multi-system problem, but that’s one of the results).
When I made all of those positive changes years ago, I did it without getting the right blood tests for any of it — I had insurance at the time which forced me to go to a shitty doctor I didn’t know who refused to order all but the most basic stupid panel and attempted to gently blame it all on me being a depressed crazy lady so my thyroid function and hormone levels weren’t tested (except for the notoriously unreliable TSH test) and for sure no B or D vitamin levels – I did find out that my potassium levels were low, though, which I still have failed to take care of because I’m a dipshit. Now that I’m getting cramps in my legs every time we fuck and I’m about to orgasm, maybe I’ll take care of that (AND keep getting the mag shots) — I’ve never seen or felt my calf BALL UP practically under my kneecap before and would prefer that never happen again.
Since then I dropped the insurance (shortly after that), got my good doctor back and have enough information and resources to take care of myself. But I often have a difficult time PRIORITIZING information and separating the wheat from the chaff, so I forget to apply the most important bits of knowledge, wisdom and experience on a consistent basis. And I do what we’re taught to do – blame yourself/character for not having the willpower to perfectly mind-over-matter yourself to awesomeness, say you don’t deserve to spend money on something THAT PREVENTS BRAIN LESIONS, handicap yourself so you aren’t even able to make more money because YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, etc.
If all of these symptoms appeared in their most severe forms overnight it would be easier to recognize how serious they are and recall the remedies, but that’s never the way it works. Sometimes it’s in the process of forcing myself to try to explain why I get these shots – like I’m doing right now – to be like FUCK! NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND! I can fix this! And not *just* by forcing myself to do all of the hardest stuff first (eating less / eating healthier, demanding of myself I exercise more when my body is least capable of benefiting from it and doesn’t have the energy to do much more than that in a day, etc.). All of these things are inextricably connected for most people (deficiencies in one area lead to reduced function and deficiencies in other areas), so it’s super important to do as many of the good things as I possibly can (and as few of the shitty things, too).
I need to keep my promises to take care of myself. Otherwise I become not just useless, but a burden. I’m really not interested in being a burden on the people who love me. Plus I love my life and my work and want to be able to live it fully and do the best jobs I can. I don’t want to be one of those people who shits all over their good fortune.
Someday I’ll make a site FOR MYSELF with comprehensive (and comprehensible) info on all of the stuff I’m still learning about health (much of it beginning when we tried to get pregnant and couldn’t). Until then I’m making everyone suffer along with my crazed random revelations-2.3 explanatory info-pukes. Sorry. I’m good at synthesizing information / gleaning and putting together the applicable bits into my own personal theories, but not at recalling and articulating all of the pieces that led me there. Not without a lot of work, anyway. Which my brain is incapable of just when I need it the most.