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Archive for the ‘drugs’ Category

I have $150 of my own spending money and am trying to decide which of these things at the top of my personal wants list are most worthy of it:

*a new microphone perfect for podcasting

*hiring a guy to make a logo for WebWhoreBucks.com so I can give the whole thing a facelift and a proud capitalist woman vibe

*use it all on massage and maybe exercise classes

I’m leaning towards massage (and maybe mental health care) because even though I *yearn* for those other things, taking care of my body fulfills my basic needs (and IS mental health care) better than those other things do which require follow-up effort to be truly useful. Buying massage is one of the few things I can do for myself that is really good for me, requires no effort on my part, and on top of all that is PLEASURABLE.

*****

Mildly put, I’m having a really difficult time today. A lot of it is hormonal/PMS, a lot of it is just the normal difficulty I have as an ADD person in prioritizing overwhelming sets of to-do’s, but some of it is specific stress over a few different circumstances that I overall feel hopeful about, but have been emotionally exhausting. My emotional resources are tapped out and my brain’s really loud and jumbly.

To make part of a long story short, Delia’s going Alcoholics Anonymous meetings now and I’m going to Alanon. It’s a huge relief to me and I feel really positive about it. I feel like a lot of weight and isolation is being lifted from me. Still, there are residual effects of the stress I’ve/we’ve accumulated getting to this point and being in a number of transitions; I’ve cried a lot more than usual in the past week, which is awesome in some ways but just really fucking exhausting.

On top of that, we continue to be plagued by problems with our neighbors. Fortunately, the guy got thrown back into jail yesterday so we’ll have a bit of a break from him, but the woman is probably more of a menace to us than he is. And the daughter? I just feel so fucking bad for her that she’s one of the pains that I cried over recently.

Our main ISP where we have a business account tightened its spam filters and pretty much blocked us from sending any email from or referencing our porn domains through their outgoing mail servers; they were very helpful, professional, and non-accusatory, but ultimately I had to spend a lot of time on the phone for a couple of days to find a solution and get it working again. That time-suck piled on top of others makes me feel totally burned-out, like I can’t get ahead. I know that’s not true, I’m just feeling that way this week. It hasn’t all been bad, and most of the time I feel happy, but my mood swings are extreme and the lows are really pathetic. I tried to get ahold of my psychiatrist that I haven’t seen in five years or so, but he hasn’t returned my messages. It would be a big help to get back on Ritalin so I could at least concentrate and get some work done without being totally scatterbrained, distracted, and wanting to rip out my overactive, inefficient brain. Just being able to sit down and work without little sounds like frogs croaking (which should be PLEASANT!) driving me to insanity would be a really huge help.

I can’t stand hearing people go on and on all the time about all their problems that they always seem to be having, so I just hope that if you’re reading this that you have enough context for my complaining to know I’m not defeated or just a pitiful slug of depression with no hope for the future, I’m just in a bumpy spot. I know it’s nowhere near what other people have to deal with, and I wouldn’t trade in my problems for other people’s, but that doesn’t mean I can pretend everything’s totally smooth sailing for me right now. It’s not the big things that are bothering me today — I feel pretty excited (in good ways) about the big things — it’s the little things that are wearing me down. Like my mom calling to say that even though Grandma appreciates my letters, she’d rather I called. And that making me feel like I was smothering in a lead blanket of guilt that I will never have enough energy, time or detachment to throw off (it’s impossible to talk to my grandma without the first thing out of her mouth being a passive-aggressive guilt trip; I thought I was fulfilling more than I’m capable of just to talk to my MOM on the phone four times in two days but I’m supposed to interrupt work to do more? YES!!!).

Then there’s the world-is-out-to-get-me crap where you think everything is being aligned to stymie your efforts, like the library being closed for staff training the one day of the month you go out of your way to visit it, or water aerobics being canceled this week (JUST *this* week, they say!) when you made what felt like a herculean effort to go to the pool for the first time in fifteen years specifically for that because you really fucking need the exercise. And you know the whole modern cult-of-magnetization thinks you brought this shit on yourself . . . there ARE no coincidences and the world isn’t out to sabotage you, YOU ARE DOING IT YOURSELF, but I have to calm down and remember that’s both notions are a total fucking crock of shit and I just have to keep trying in spite of being annoyed that both facilities’ online schedules were totally misleading!

I made the best of both situations. I’m a fucking winner. And I know it will get better. Probably when my period starts. And my girlfriend is making me eggs and bacon right now to remind me that my life is charmed, sweet, and I’m not in this all by myself. I get taken care of.

HEAD CLEANER

After waiting half an hour yesterday for our internet connection to return in time for our shows, it was time to shit or get off the pot; we decided to cancel and put our time to better use than repeatedly dialing the cable company.

We left our downed-connection at home and drove over forty miles (over 80 round) to the nearest Best Buy so we could get a MiniDV camcorder head cleaner; our videos have been coming out with some bizarre chirps and bleeps and wacky messy visual disturbances and it took me a few months to realize it’s probably because the heads are dirty. I’m not so smart about those things. Too bad I just spent hours downloading six videos the other day and will have to redo at least some of them to reap the benefits of the newly cleaned heads.

Anyway, I hope the cleaned-up video for members will make up a bit for the lost show. I also scheduled a make-up show for Friday evening.

Speaking of head cleaner, my return to Ritalin has been treating me well. I do feel like I need to post a status report for voyeurs so they’ll know when I’m medicated and when I’m not (because my behavior IS noticeably different) since I don’t have enough of a stash right now to take it consistently and have no idea when I’ll get an appointment with a doctor (I left a voicemail with my psychiatrist yesterday but then I pushed the wrong button and have no idea if I actually saved/sent the message) PLUS I have no intention of taking all three doses every single day. For one thing, a girl has got to eat; most of the time food is not very appealing when you’re on stimulants. Just as an example, since yesterday was a special day (May Day, five year anniversary of my site, etc.) I wanted to fully enjoy good food and not have any of my natural tendencies repressed or subdued so I didn’t take any pills.

The ability to take medication vacations is one of the things that I like about stimulants; they don’t stay in your system very long (four hours for what I take), they don’t take weeks or months to start working, you can take them as needed or not, and you’re not going to have a total meltdown if you decide to go without them (though of course you will have all your ADD or ADHD symptoms come back, sometimes rebounding in an exaggerated way like a kid with a mild case of Tourettes who has managed to control most of her tics all day at school and then comes home and unloads a volley of pent-up energy; it’s not the same thing, but is the only thing I can imagine that might feel similar except without the holding-it-in part since the meds take care of that without any conscious, painful effort).

My apologies to those of you making it through this entire entry but aren’t really interested in this stuff. I would try to keep some of this to myself but it seems like there’s a significant number of readers and members who find ADD and stimulant talk useful/interesting, and it definitely helps me to blog about it.

Bubblegum lovers: since dry mouth is a side effect of stimulant use I am counteracting that by chewing and blowing more than normal on my spycams.

AN UNUSUAL SILENCE

If you’ve been watching my spycams the past couple of days and noticed an unusual silence, it’s because I decided to try Ritalin again. No loud, angry outbursts of swearing! Isn’t that refreshing?

I’m still noisy in the fart arena, though. Yesterday I sat down at my desk and ripped the craziest-sounding fart with a squeaker on the end; I burst out laughing, it was so cute. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE AUDIO ON OUR SPYCAMS! Also, last night I posted a short fart video in the behind-the-scenes section of SpyOnUs. Here’s a picture of me farting from my favorite gallery we shot last week:

Full Gallery coming soon in my Members-Only area.
Join TastyTrixie.com or SpyOnUs.com for ALL of my long sock photos!

Anyway, I hope you don’t miss seeing me ripping out my hair and hearing me throw conniption fits over stupid little things because while I’m dosed on speed I generally don’t freak out like that.

BOOKS & BOOZE

I implemented a new budgetary device for Tucker and I; we’re each getting a weekly allowance for our vices. I tend to spend money willy-nilly on books and magazines while he opts for wine and beer so we’re going to have a new limit of a paltry $15 a week each from our shared money for our personal addictions and if we want to spend more on them it has to come out of our own camming or phone sex money.

What does this mean for you? It means I might have to start camming and doing phone sex a whole lot more because I LOVE TO BUY BOOKS.

DRUGS: Part I

The topic of drugs came up while I was talking to Ron and my wanker the other night. It was one of the main reasons I muted the spycam audio; I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me and drugs, so I don’t want them to hear me speaking about them in a casual way.

While I’m all for decriminalization of some drugs and drug activities, and all for legalizing marijuana, I’m pretty straight myself and relatively inexperienced with most mind-altering substances. I also tend to be fairly judgemental (compared to other liberal folks) of other people’s drug use (including caffeine and alcohol) so I worry that other similarly judgemental people will get a bad impression of me if I openly discuss my RARE drug use or dreamily describe my drugs of choice. I would just hate for that to be a surfer’s or member’s first impression of me.

How nervous am I about coming across as a drug-addled loser? Nervous enough that when I take totally innocent pills on cam I’m paranoid our voyeurs imagine I’m using schedule I drugs for fun. Nervous enough that when I brainstormed a list of labels/categories for this blog I hesitated to make a “drug” label. Nervous enough that I wanted to make this entry, sort of the definitive “Trixie on Drugs: it’s not what you think!” post. So here you go:

PILLS I TAKE ON A REGULAR BASIS:

Vitamin B Complex
I usually take this in the morning with my tea and it is a LIFESAVER for my brain, my chapped lips, and who knows what else.

Birth Control
I usually take this at night. It’s so I don’t get pregnant AND to regulate my hormones so I don’t alternate between wanting to kill other people and wanting to kill myself.

Naproxen Sodium
If I have any aches or pains, this anti-inflammatory is what I take. It’s my preferred over-the-counter fixit pill (I’m not a tylenol or ibuprofen gal). My loyalty to this particular med started when I was in junior high and I could only get it as Anaprox with a prescription. I took the double-strength variety. Once when I was eighteen or nineteen and suffering from terrible cramps I actually had to go to the doctor during a bad bout with them and I got scolded for admitting to taking more than the recommended dosage. Then he prescribed some other painkiller to me. Thanks, GP! Anyway, the OTC stuff seems to be enough for me these days.

I’ll also take some Aleve sometimes if I’ve gotten some exercise and feel sore. My sister tells me I’m ruining the whole muscle-building effects of exercise by doing that, but I honestly don’t care. Feeling pain ruins the positive effects of exercise for me, so there. I do avoid going hog wild with Naproxen Sodium because it’s hard on your stomach. I don’t worry too much about the other side effects (increased blood pressure) since I have really low bp.

PILLS I USED TO TAKE ON A REGULAR BASIS:

Ritalin
I am SO GLAD I tried it! I’ll try not to make this a big entry on Attention Deficit Disorder, but just say that while therapy and my eventual ADD diagnosis in my mid-twenties gave me a whole new (and mostly-positive) perspective on myself, trying Ritalin taught me what being normal could feel like. I took my first dose under super-controlled circumstances (at home alone with no distractions, on vacation) so I could observe myself and my reactions, and when the speed kicked in my first overwhelming observation was that THE FLOOR STOPPED MOVING. The jangled blur of chaos I was used to was stilled.

It was an almost-perfect duplication of the time someone at my data-entry job pressed some mini-thins on me when I was sleepy (back when mini-thins were just pure ephedrine) and I was elated to discover that I could alternate my gaze from the monitor to the data on my copy-stand WITHOUT SEEING ANYTHING BUT THOSE TWO AREAS OF FOCUS. I could look back and forth without anything else distracting me! Miraculous!

On Ritalin I could play piano and actually HEAR myself for WHOLE ENTIRE SONGS rather than plunking along and, three measures into a piece, be immersed in daydreams and consuming trains of thought that blocked out concentration and made practice completely futile except as something to do with my hands while, you know, daydreaming. On Ritalin I actually got BETTER as I practiced instead of getting worse.

On Ritalin when someone was talking to me, I actually heard them for the whole conversation. Someone could even tap me or start talking behind me and I would barely even register the feeling or sound; I remained totally focused on the primary conversation and I DIDN’T EVEN *WANT* TO INTERRUPT THEM.

On Ritalin, if I was trying to find something (my keys in my full backpack, for example) I would FIND them straight away instead of forgetting what I was doing and finally pulling out some random object hoping it would jog my memory or just so people near me wouldn’t think I was batty, rummaging aimlessly in my backpack for ten minutes. On Ritalin, when I walked into another room to get something I wouldn’t find myself in that room (or some other room) wondering what in the fuck I was doing there a mere 15 seconds after I began my task.

On Ritalin, I experienced blissful sleep. I’d set my alarm for an hour before I wanted to wake up, take my first pill of the day, and fall back into the most amazingly restful sleep EVER. It didn’t last long (25-45 minutes), but it was fucking fantastic and made getting up pleasurable instead of a cranky nightmare. I would also dose myself before I’d get a massage and those massages were the most blissed-out, relaxing, meditative, beautiful things EVER. Sometimes I fell asleep. It was these experiences of relaxation that convinced me that ADD and speed’s paradoxical effects on people with ADD/ADHD were real. Or at least real enough to be of significant use to me.

On the flip side of all of the positive effects (too many to list here), I did experience pretty bad rebound at the end of the evening when my last dose wore off. I would start freaking out, getting really explosively hair-rippingly angry, sensitive and frustrated, without realizing what was going on until my husband would look at me and tell me to go to bed, that my pill wore off.

At work I also got negative feedback from friends who said I was acting like a zombie, I was boring, etc. I also developed a really bizarre compulsion to whisper instead of speaking normally (I think that was the only side effect or symptom I described to my psychiatrist that he’d never heard of in connection with stimulant use — in fact, he didn’t seem to have ever heard of that compulsion at all).

I’d also lost quite a few pounds during therapy (before I was prescribed Ritalin) simply because I felt happier, so when I started taking the Ritalin I wound up losing more on top of that (no way around its appetite-suppressing effect). I don’t know how much I weighed then — maybe 103 (a good healthy weight for me in spite of it sounding underweight because of those retarded BMI charts). Then my dad got really sick and almost died a few months later.

While he was hospitalized and then transitioning to possibly dying at home, I eventually realized I had to stop taking the Ritalin since the combination of it and major stress (and not having TIME to eat much) pretty much destroyed my appetite and I sunk down to around 93 pounds, if I remember correctly. At the end of my first full day back at work I couldn’t figure out why my ass hurt until I realized it was because I HAD NO FAT LEFT ON IT.

That was the end of my love affair with Ritalin.

This is getting way too long so I’ll post Drugs: Part II later.