Just got home last night. Been gone way too much this month: almost half the month. One of one of my orchid’s buds burst open while I was gone.
I have a lot of catching up to do with the blackcaps and other berries in the backyard.
The amount of good I feel from yardwork (which for me is very slow and meditative and not super productive) is HUGE. Cutting back prickly little vines and salal reaching too far into pathways. Moving small piles of the prickly vines & leaves from wherever to The Big Pile. Watering & pulling weeds occasionally.
Here’s a glimpse of one of the things we did while I was in Seattle:
I love my wife in long knit maxi dresses. JOIN NOW for all of her “tenting” pics & videos!
Other things I did over the weekend in Seattle:
- called 911 on the way after neighbor called to alert me to suspicious dude on our property
- felt super grateful for how much lithium orotate is helping my brain because without it I would never have been able to hold multiple stressful conversations on the phone while in crowded ferry terminal, WALKING, etc.
- we celebrated a belated mother’s day with my mom
- took her to brunch at Salty’s & cruised Alki afterwards
- watched Hello My Name is Doris
- resolved to watch more movies in our building’s theater room
- walked through & past all of the drunk Mariners fans & the stadium(s)
- finally bought contemptible vaping supplies for easier consumption of headache medicine. And stuff.
- grudgingly became a convert to vaping
- restrained myself from impulsive potential porno opportunity with beautiful young man
- regretted so thoroughly restraining myself
- played games on my phone while Delia listened to streaming Phish concerts
- shot a couple sets of pics & videos for DeliaTS.com
- ate delicious foods
- made more shoot plans / did prep work for upcoming shoots & trips
- discussed DeliaTS.com redesign, took notes on what Delia wants for it, mocked up some things, bought & played with some fonts
- Bused / walked to & from the naked lady spa where I spent a day alone
- unexpected SURPRISE ride on double-decker Sound Transit bus!
- I got to sit
- up top!
- in the very front seat!!
- ON THE WATER SIDE!!!
- tried not to feel bad about spending money on a spa day
- I haven’t been there in over a year … jesus!
- had a PMS-exacerbated rare pouty spat with Delia upon my return
- was again super grateful for the lithium keeping me way more balanced than I’d normally be … and for how calm Delia is about such things (although super frustratingly yet blessedly impossible to actually FIGHT with)
- we put a date night with each other on the calendar: too much of our time with each other lately has been work or family or just trying to recover from work &/or family
- enjoyed lunch Delia prepared & amazing view with each other on the top floor of our building
- got ORCA cards
- even with research online, was prepared for it to be more difficult than it should be
- no white people in positions where they should be able to help folks procure ORCA cards knew fuck all about how to go about it; black guy whose job it was not to help me (pretty sure he was a ferry boat captain), helped me with MULTIPLE options and very clear instructions & directions for each of them
- finally dropped in at the Seattle Mystery Bookshop
- realized my backpack was way too heavy to be carrying so far after putting it all into a big suitcase and even though it has wheels realized it’s WAY TOO HEAVY, even not on my back
- enjoyed the ferry terminal & ride while high because the vaping thing makes it way too convenient to do so
- made an awkward dorky ass of myself alternately trying to / not to flirt with someone in the ferry terminal
- drank too much coke zero because my throat felt scratchy (yes, even though it’s just VAPOR … whatever, stoners) so even though I peed on the ferry the bus rides home were kind of torture
- was picked up & driven home by friend who saw & pitied me on my long walk with enormous heavy suitcase
- delivered home in time to not burst bladder
- discovered house safe and sound and apparently not broken into!
It’s good to be home.
The ones that get dry-looking in the sun without getting smutty are the JAMMIEST!
Cabin roof / skylight in the background
Plastic eggs make sweet Easter tree-jewels! People make things humbly special in our town. Less like strip malls, more like old-fashioned home. And it is home to me, so of course I was here alone for Easter time, wandering around outside enjoying springtime.
A couple of days later Delia (my wife) came home to me and we had the BEST time. Since we’ve basically been living and working in different places for a couple of years — her in our Seattle studio, me in our out-here home — we’re finally getting the hang of taking REAL DAYS OFF TOGETHER (instead of everything overlapping with work as self-employed work-at-home webwhores). Taking real days off together makes me very happy.
It was a sunny day so we did one of my favorite together-things; took our car to the car wash & vacuumed it out! But first Delia told me to go out back and look around.
Some of my sweet favorites!
She got me bunny bubbles and other treats!
We did a bunch of errands and stopped at the self-serve farmstand bursting with daffodils and other flowers, and a book I’ve been wanting to read for a long time (Oryx and Crake) was in the free book box.
For dinner we drove to our favorite place to get burgers in the next town over. We love sitting in our car to eat, especially when the sky is so blue and the temperature promisingly warm without being hotter than blazes.
Usually part of our burger date includes stopping on the way home at the lot full of used cars, trucks, boats, trailers and RV’s. We like to just walk around and look at what’s there. But the lot was pretty empty and we were tired and ready to get home so Delia decisively declined when I asked if she wanted to do the usual.
So we drove straight home stopping only for some groceries.
And when we were less than a mile from home … our car stopped running.
Pulled over on the side of the road, she tried to get it to start again. She checked a couple of things under the hood, couldn’t find anything obvious wrong, and wanted to stay and work on it … but I wanted to walk home so I could pee and not worry about it for awhile, and come back with clearer heads. I had to talk her into that part (it’s always interesting when Delia is a: really decisive/not super flexible feeling, and/or b: anxious … because it’s rare she’s either of those things and I kind of enjoy the way our roles change when that happens).
The whole time Delia & I have been together we’ve only driven old &/or beater cars that were given to us for free or sold to us for cheap; as a result we have enough practice with cars breaking down (and Delia is often able to fix them herself or at least knows enough about what’s wrong to make good decisions about paying for repairs). At this point it’s one of the few things that doesn’t give me the kind of anxiety attack you’d expect and just sort of makes me feel grateful because so far it’s never put us in a super dangerous situation, and this car especially has managed to break down maybe half a dozen times but always delivers us VERY CLOSE TO HOME or right where we can get help without causing a traffic nightmare before it gives up, even when we’ve been on long treks a hundred+ miles away.
We came back later as it grew dark and she tried and tried a bunch of things. But honestly my mind was pretty much made up to retire this car. There were a bunch of problems with it, including the transmission, and I didn’t want to worry about it breaking down anymore. It has served us really well. It was a relief and a sign to me when it broke down this time. But Delia felt a bit stressed out about it.
The role reversal of her overthinking and spinning her wheels while I am calm and at peace with a decision makes me feel a lot of tenderness for her, and gratitude for the ways we balance each other out. The moments when I am not crazy and struggling with her soothing me are FEW, so it’s a relief when *I* am sure, and *I* am calm.
All of these years together and the more time that passes, the more I feel like everything’s going to be okay. And that everything is so much BETTER than okay right now.
Growing is hard work, and out of your control a lot of times. It happens whether you think you’re ready or not.
I truly want to grow and think I have a pretty great attitude about it, but I don’t. Not completely: I want to be in charge of WHAT changes, HOW MUCH … WHEN and towards what (perfect) ends.
The good news: I might be past the worst of my midlife crisis, and am embracing good changes. Want to read about them? This month (National Bike Month, coincidentally) I’ll post more here about a significant lifestyle change we made at the end of March right as my grandma died (which was harder for me because of other family issues it brought up than actually losing my grandma) and this crazy overheated early spring unfolded … AND as the person I’ve been spending the most time with other than my wife decided to move out of state for a new job.
AND PRINCE DIED! Maybe that has nothing to do with me and I shouldn’t take that loss so personally, but his passing has been a touchstone of grief and strengthening wellspring of affirmation and inspiration at the same time.
It’s been chilly and super windy recently; felt like I might have jumped the gun on calling it an early spring, but either way … it will be official on Sunday. Regardless: I was SO FUCKING STOKED that our nearby taco cart opened back up … ’tis the season!!!
The sun feels good on the backs of my legs while I wait for my tostada salad with fish
Tomorrow is my birthday so consider this me wearing green in reverse. Or green wearing my shadow?
Card for our friends to get their feet washed & massaged by us
Today is the only full day I’ve had to myself in awhile … so I’m capping it off with some NATURAL sleeping pills, a noodle binge … and a sickening return to Candy Crush after keeping it off my phones for years now:
Noodle binge time!! two bowls of greasy noodles & my gut in polar fleece in foreground.
- White bowl: thin spaghetti with olive oil, salt, parmesan cheese & capers
- Orange bowl: thin spaghetti with sesame oil, chili oil, and (later) soy sauce
Happy birthday to me!!! I’m planning to FULLY exploit my wife when she gets home for a couple of days (don’t worry; she’s looking forward to it as much as I am!), and then I’ll spend a few days with my favorite guy. Although all of that could change if my grandma dies, which could happen very soon.
We thought she was going to depart last year, but dying is an unpredictable business. Still, I feel like I said my goodbyes to her at that point so right now I’m saving my family-grief energies for my mom during the after-part rather than hurrying to make another trip to see Grandma at her most breathing-yet-absent. It may sound like I have a lot of clarity and resolve about this, but honestly I don’t know what the right thing is to do. I don’t feel a pull to go be with her but I do feel some pushing in me to AVOID. You might say the right thing is to go see her — that I’ll regret it if I don’t and she dies before I get to — but honestly I don’t think I will. I might feel *guilty* — concerned what other people think — but that’s not the same thing as genuine regret. I don’t think Grandma will know the difference either way. Then again, that does feel a little like a lie to suit myself because I am certain she knew I was there last time and that it meant something to her.
It meant something (a lot) to me, too.