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If I were a weatherman describing my outlook, I’d offer up pathos-riddled contradictions.

Sky at 4:23 pm, November 3rd, 2009

I don’t know if I feel depressed today the past three days because I didn’t get enough sleep, or if I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m depressed.

I started to go into a little more detail/troubleshooting/description but deleted it because I don’t feel like hashing it out right now; it’s boring stuff, really, about too much dreaming, supplements I’ve tried, seratonin levels in weirdos, discussions with my psychiatrist, blah blah blah.

Anyway, the GOOD news is that depression reminds me how heartbreakingly beautiful music sounded to me in the eighties. Goodbye horses indeed.

No, no no . . . the REALLY GOOD NEWS is that AmberLily is coming over tomorrow. It’s the last time we’ll get to hang out with them before they move back to California, which is also good news (because that is home for them and where they most want to be) except that it means that we’ll miss them/won’t live semi-close to each other anymore. Keep your fingers crossed that we’ll all get rich someday or at least comfortable enough that we can visit each other often. Or at least pay off our credit cards and drive our beater van down the coast without worrying too much about how we’ll pay two dozen credit card bills if we break down and get stuck.

Even though it sucks that everyone’s strapped for cash these days and on the brink of losing everything, there’s something romantic about it, too. It makes everything feel more real. Shitty, but more real. That’s one of the seductive things about depression, I think, especially when you’ve had it your whole life . . . it just feels more real and like anything better would be fake. AND SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT, with all the smiling involved.

FYI: I don’t think putting this redesign of my blog on the front page of TastyTrixie.com has been good for business. So I guess publishing this gloomy post can’t make anything much worse. But seriously, I invite you to laugh, not cry – it won’t last forever and things are not as grim as they sound, captured here like this with a black and white photo. Though I am keeping comments closed on this one. I probably just, like, ate too much sugar this week or something.

We’ve been working on a new site, TrixieAndFriends.com. Sounds pretty exciting, right? Like maybe it’s all about me sexing up my buddies? But actually, it’s not. It’s much more practical and mundane than that.

TrixieAndFriends.com is mostly just a preview blog showing our most recent updates (and eventually a categorized, searchable catalog of all of our porn going back to when each of our sites opened so that members can find what they want; THAT is going to take weeks/months of data entry to compile). No one will actually be able to JOIN TrixieAndFriends.com, instead it links to each of the sites in our network so people still have to pick who they want to support, but AmberLily and Delia and some of our members are keen to have a members-only forum/bulletin board so we WILL have a protected area on the site for that.

We’ve been using the members-only area of SpyOnUs for members to go to and see network-wide updates, but it was clunky and not very inclusive — DEFINITELY not searchable, so TrixieAndFriends.com is replacing & greatly improving what we were doing there (we also need to totally revamp SpyOnUs.com to make it strictly about voyeurism, our behind-the-scenes stuff, and of course our SPYCAMS). If any of you techy people are wondering why we don’t have a CMS to do all of this for us, the main reason is that each of the sites in our network is unique and independently owned/operated; we have no desire to standardize everything or force everyone to use one of the limited and difficult scripts on the market.

I feel self-conscious and narcissistic about buying and using the domain, TrixieAndFriends.com, for this (like how I keep saying it over and over? TRIXIE AND FRIENDS DOT COM!!!), but wanted to hurry up and DO IT and couldn’t come up with any brandable, inclusive, open-ended domain that would describe our network and allow for indie sites of any stripe to network with us down the road. Anything with the word “webwhore” in it is off-putting to many and brings to mind the kind of hardcore, stereotyped sites that are pretty much the opposite of what our sites are about (not that I, personally, am ever going to stop calling myself a webwhore, it’s just not a good moniker for everyone). I could come up with a lot of generic and good domain names, but they didn’t feel like anything I thought people would remember and associate with us, though IndiePornPass was one we tossed around, but what if we make sites for tech-incompetent little hotties down the road? What then? It might feel a little deceptive. I suppose, though, that we might network with people who aren’t really great “friends”,  but I think people are used to that term being used loosely (and I *do* love loose friends!).

Speaking of friends (the great kind, not the loosely used), it’s AmberLily’s birthday! One of the things people don’t seem to notice much about AmberLily’s site is that she does assloads of private webcam shows every week, practically every DAY, and those shows are archived in both streaming video and snapshot formats so her site is basically updated every day with a really wide variety of role plays, masturbation, and hot little outfits and fetish attire like pantyhose, gloves, bodystockings, schoolgirl skirts, shiny satin panties, etc. Whenever porn review sites look at her site this fact is rarely mentioned or, if it is, is given very short shrift. It pretty much happens to all webcam content. Instead of being highly valued the way it SHOULD be, reviewers are so unused to seeing it that they don’t get it and just focus on what they’re used to: generic photos and videos. They don’t understand that webcam grabs ARE jerkworthy even though they aren’t HD. It’s frustrating, to put it mildly.

Anyway, my hope is that at least OUR members will see and appreciate (in that very special way they have) how consistently hard AmberLily works and the range of her special offerings. Before announcing TrixieAndFriends I wanted to have all of our October updates catalogued there, but we’re only maybe halfway through representing the days AmberLily has added archived shows. Still, I think it’s already apparent what she’s doing, even if few people really have a clue how much she puts into it, especially considering the heavy burdens and gigantic stressors she and her hubby have been thrown this year.  She’s not the type to complain or let on when the chips are down and she’s under so much pressure that a normal person would just be curled in a ball in bed with a variety of prescription-strength sedatives so I don’t think most of her fans REALIZE. Also, I don’t think she really WANTS to hash over that stuff — she wants to do a good job on cam for her customers and let her mind be taken off all of that bullshit.

Point is, it’s her birthday, I hope it’s a great one for her and that she is rewarded for all of her hard work (and hotness). The week already started out in tears for her when their favorite cat and beloved pet of many years succombed to cancer, so . . .  yeah. If I could, I would shower her with a trip to Disneyland, piles of Star Wars toys, and as many hugs as she could tolerate.

Normally when you hear “camgirl” and “stroke” you think of masturbation. Unfortunately our online pal UndressJess experienced a different kind of stroke yesterday.

Some of us who follow her twitter account noticed a couple of really jumbled tweets from her, plus one saying she was on her way to the hospital. I finally got ahold of her on her cell phone this afternoon; she is in the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD A STROKE.

Undress Jess

She was able to speak fairly coherently, though she stopped and apologized a couple of times because it’s hard for her to organize her thoughts. Apparently the main thing is that SHE CAN’T READ and is pretty worried wondering how she’ll be able to work on her site, camming, blogging, promoting herself, etc. when she totally can’t READ. It’s like weird instant dyslexia.

It’s really hard to imagine being so young, living alone and becoming disabled overnight. You never know how long (if ever) after a stroke you’ll regain the function(s) you lost, but if I heard her correctly the estimate is about a year for her to be able to read again. Apparently the only guess being made as to why this happened to her is from her birth control pills. Yes, fuckers, STROKE is one of the risks of being on hormonal birth control. So next time you hear a guy complain about using a fucking condom, pull out this little gem. Risk of stroke isn’t just a bunch of tiny words on a pill pack insert no one reads.

Rad Camgirl Undress Jess

Needless to say, she won’t be on cam or updating her site or doing daily shows the way she normally does so I hope her fans read this and try to be supportive. Her main site is UndressJess.com but she also has awesome booty-shaking vids on shakinit AND a clip site if you can only afford to purchase one or two videos. It’s hard to imagine what an extended hospital stay and disability can do to a single, independent camgirl/site owner financially.

Note: I’m not going to keep calling her while she’s in the hospital and if I do talk to her again anytime soon the conversations will no doubt be brief and about work stuff, so I can’t say that I’ll have updates for you or pass messages along to her, I just want people to be aware of her situation and do what they can to support her work online and be patient while she’s absent and struggling with what happened to her brain. If you have a blog, it would be great if you could repost this.

Some of you’ve been wondering how our family get-together with my brother went after my agonizing in this post; fortunately, it went fine but I’m still so glad it’s OVER so I can stop stressing out over it.

We made the trek out to my mom’s yesterday and had a fairly nice visit. Sometimes I worry that Delia’s just receding into the background and that some of that’s my fault, but then it always seems that one person in a couple is the quiet hanger-back. Like my brother’s wife who mostly hung out in the kitchen. Some people are so quiet and pleasant those of us who are more obnoxious just naturally steamroll them.

Anyway, there was no mean-spirited or overt bullshit to be had towards us, though I did wonder when thank you’s for the presents we brought came from the kids and I got all the hugs and thanks why that was . . . because I’m the one who’s actually related to them (though haven’t seen them in eight years, since one was newborn)? Because Delia’s trans? Because I didn’t do a good job of introducing Auntie Delia? Or just because I was the one standing there with open arms, like “HUG YOUR AUNTIE, DAMMIT!” while Delia was behind me on the couch and less accessible/approachable/talkative? And then that firm handshake my brother gave Delia after hugging me goodbye seemed to have an awkward masculine edge to it, but whatever.

*****

On our way home from our family visit we got together briefly with AmberLily and her husband (Tiny aka BigD) who is too witty and well-read for me to get his jokes which mostly seem to consist of teasing us for being Democrats. They go right over my head and I wind up staring at him, completely bewildered, wishing I could keep up. Fortunately he’s nice enough to try to meet in the middle, patiently reminding me, for example, of my Third Amendment rights (so I could understand the joke he was making) even when I obtusely ignored his explanation. Maybe if we got to spend more time hanging out then AmberLily wouldn’t have to try to translate for us, “and now BigD is joking; that was a reference to the obscure blank and blankety blank.” Anyway, I hope I haven’t gotten them banned from their local McDonald’s because I kept saying the “F” word and loudly talking about wet WET pussy, something I’m far more familiar with than our Constitution.

My point is, I love them and BigD should be an internet celebrity.

*****

Normally when we go back to the area east of Seattle where I grew up I’m thankful we don’t live there, but yesterday the summer air was too seductive and familiar for me to not want to have more of it. It smelled heavily of home, especially driving through shady places along rivers. My mom’s yard felt so lush and green and bushy and the porch was so . . . porchy? With the screen door? Our dog looked like she was going to melt right into the cool grass, unlike here where all the grass is dry, short, and totally dead. It smells like saltwater and high wind and dry things where we live, but where I grew up it smells like a humid valley in the summer where every dog bark is magnified – sounds don’t blow away where I grew up. I hate that, but it’s still home.

*****

Little cell phone pic on our way home.

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Delia’s putting the finishing touches on the letter she’s writing to her parents who still don’t know she’s trans.

Watch it, drool and VOTE for my beautiful friend and rumpshaker, (Undress)Jess:

You have NO IDEA how excited I got watching that, and will continue to get as I press play over and over and over. Her thighs and butt and the rest of her just make me want to cry and scream — so gorgeous! I have watched the other girls on that site and while some of them are lovely & I drool over them, too, Jess really deserves the prize on this one.

Blogroll update alert: I’ve got a few new (massively overdue) blog links in the sidebar for you:

Sequoia Redd’s blog

She describes herself as an “eco-feminist-pagan-hippie sex-worker chick currently residing in a Nudist Colony in the last redneck outpost of South Florida”. Loosely translated, that means most of my blog readers will dig her for at least one reason, if not more. Plus, she’s FUCKING GORGEOUS. Like, a totally striking knockout. She reminds me of Emmanuelle Seigner and a girl I went to high school with (I know that means nothing to you, but the reminder of my gorgeous German friend with her cheshire cat grin is lovely to me).

She’s also a fellow Niteflirt/phone sex operator and I squealed when she set up an appointment to “consult” with me on different possibilities for setting up spycams. After I got off the phone with her I watched her free Masturbation Impossible video (wankers: you will not make it through the portions where she carefully wobbles down the stairs wearing her rollerblades and smiles mischievously – SUPER HOT).

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rollertrain

Right now Libby Lynn’s describing herself as an art student and porn cashier and it’s just a MAJOR OVERSIGHT on my part, me not adding her to my blog links before this. I think I thought she was already in there. From her I get a depth and breadth of inspiration/relation(? if that’s the right word)/variety that I don’t get from most other blogs and online contacts.

I sort of don’t know how to describe the connection I feel when I read her, but as far as you go in deciding whether or not to dig into her posts and flickr and twitter and stuff, I think she’ll appeal to smart voyeuristic types who like meaty posts and porn and art or are working on the process of their own selves/work/art.

*****

I also updated my link to Mia who is now blogging at MiavonDoom.com, my online buddy from way back and a multimedia POWERHOUSE.

I’m struggling under the weight of a lot of things right now. Nothing that should be debilitating, but the end result is that I’ve been acting almost completely disabled. Money problems, health problems, overwhelming-to-do-list problems, incompetency problems . . . you know, life.

The struggle on my mind right now is trying to figure out how much energy to expend on conservative friends and family who have issues with my work and/or with my partner being a transwoman. Not that they know that word. And I should be patient because how many people DO? It’s not THEIR fault, right? And with me being in the kind of relationship where I even USE the term “my partner”. My girlfriend. My not-a-man not-a-husband not-a-boyfriend.

My mom has been struggling with how to tell HER mom (my grandma) and her born-again-Christian-asshole brother (my uncle) so I haven’t even seen my grandma in way over a year.

God, it makes me tired even trying to blog about this bullshit.

Now one of my step-brothers, the one I WANT to be in touch with a little, is coming out with his family for a visit next month. My mom visited them in Pennsylvania last year before the election and came back so disturbed by his wacko right-wingerism that she doesn’t really even want to see them again (AND didn’t even want to get into the basics of telling him anything about my controversial-to-them “lifestyle”).

Delia’s family in the Midwest still doesn’t know about her transition. We had a plan for telling them that we cooked up with her therapist who said that ideally you shouldn’t break the news in a letter, but face to face. We tried to get them to come out here last year so Delia would meet them at the airport presenting as a male (a concept that now seems totally ludicrous, uncomfortable and weird to me), she’d sit down with them and tell them all about it, the next day she’d present as a woman, and we’d all go see the therapist so they could learn about transgender. A nice idea, but there’s no way to lure them out here when the REST of Delia’s family is in the Midwest and her dad can’t take time off work; it just makes more sense for us to visit them there.

So Delia’s parents offered to buy us tickets to come out for a visit, like, RIGHT NOW. It would work out perfectly for the whole coming-out-face-to-face (except we wouldn’t be able to take them to our counselor) BUT Delia already changed her name so in order for them to buy a ticket she could actually get on a plane with, she’d need them to know ahead of time her real femme name (or we’d have to buy the tickets ourselves which we can’t afford to do right now). So after some soul-searching and discussion she decided to write a letter which she’s still working on.

As the word “transition” implies, it’s a process. And part of that process is . . . all of this bullshit of informing, educating, explaining, confronting, and dealing with loved ones and not-so-loved ones.

It made me feel sad when my mom said she doesn’t know if she wants to see my brother / can’t handle his fucked-up views. And I know it makes HER sad, too, but I feel like it will only be a few hours and it would be wrong to shut him out completely. I wouldn’t say this about my other stepbrothers or about my ex-stepdad, but this brother? I would. So I wrote him and his wife an email about “my lifestyle” so they wouldn’t be hit with surprises and wouldn’t ask about my job in person if they aren’t comfortable hearing me talk about what it really is (and told them, in short form, that I make adult websites). And the wheels are turning and they’re paying lip service to not judging other people, but copping to being “REALLY conservative”. And expressing concern over their seven year old daughter. He doesn’t want her to have to “learn too much about life” at this tender age. Like, what aspect of life does he feel he needs to shelter her from or that I’m going to so-inappropriately expose her to?

As usual I can’t help comparing my apparently depraved lifestyle with other people in our family and in Delia’s family. In both of our families there are those who have HUGE problems with my job, yet think nothing of letting the children be around people in the family who’ve actually sexually molested other family members. Nobody objects to the lifestyle of the family members who worked for the chemical company that made Napalm and Agent Orange and other killers and cancer-causers. When I had a husband who worked for Boeing, it never bothered anybody in the slightest (including me) that a family member worked for a company that makes machines of war. Their job is something to be proud of, but MY job is a big, scary, society-eating disease. Excuse me, but as much as you try to fallaciously connect porn depicting consensual sex and non, I DIDN’T DO THIS TO KIDS. Not even close. My brother doesn’t have a problem with his kids being around one of his other brothers who has stolen cars and served in Iraq and laughs with glee at videos of US soldiers beating and kicking the shit out of Iraqis. But oh, GOD!! WHAT will we tell the children about Trixie and her tranny girlfriend or that she has a job making grown-ups feel pleasure?

I know it’s hard, but it’s not THAT hard. Especially given the truly fucked up things that people are perfectly willing to ignore, live with and even brag about. He’s a soldier! He’s a chemical engineer! He works for the military industrial complex!! So easy to boast about. And even those other people who have actually HURT people — kids — get the benefit of the doubt: He deserves a second chance. But how many people boast about “my daughter, the pornographer!”? Actually, my mom does and my dad did. In small amounts, but still. They are extra ballsy and good. And I guess if all these little things are hard, I still have that to be extra specially grateful for and don’t know what I’d do without it.

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It would be easier in the short run to just say we’re going to be busy. Too busy to see my step-brother and his family. Too busy to fly out to the Midwest. Too busy to communicate on any deeper level with old friends than filling out those email quizzes about what our favorite colors and drinks are and coming up with a different reason than the real one for the last thing that made us cry.

I could do that (and have and still will to some extent), but sometimes you have to TRY. Because they’re family or because you really need a better reason than fear and exhaustion to sever ties with them. No, you have to try your hardest to be patient with their ignorance and fears and confusion (thankfully people have been patient with MINE). You have an obligation to make yourself fucking vulnerable to being told that what you do — whether it’s selling pictures of your beaver on the internet or it’s defying the status quo of letting your genitals define your gender or it’s being in a non-straight relationship — that you’re destroying the moral fibre of the country, tearing families apart, degrading humanity, and damaging our sensitive youngsters and oldsters who shouldn’t be EXPOSED to our depravity and perversion in their fragile mental and physical states!

You have to be gentle with them while they insult you and beg for your protection. Oh but mom is just too old to understand . . . oh god, I just don’t want to upset Grandma Seriously? These women have televisions and they’ve all HAD SEX. When I’m in my eighties I hope people don’t think I’m too stupid to understand new shit or that I can’t handle knowing that some women charge men money to get their dicks hard. I think they can handle it, and if they can’t? OH WELL. I wish someone would protect OUR feelings for a change. Like maybe not insulting the girl on the television for having “too masculine of a jaw” right when you’re sitting next to my trans girlfriend
who might feel self-conscious enough as it is about her OWN masculine jaw. Like maybe not saying that I’m going to warp your seven year old when YOU are the one warping her with your stupid, bigoted views.

I know I’m being a baby to complain about it because so many people have had it so much worse, but I’m *sick* of coming out to people and trying to hold their hands through the process when I just want to scream at them. It feels like such a gigantic waste of time and energy for me, personally, when I don’t even LIKE socializing with people. But I know it’s not healthy to take the easy way out and be isolated. I know that talking to people makes a difference, not just to us, but in teaching tolerance and understanding on a broader level.

*****

Basically I just feel bogged down. Getting together with family is expensive enough, emotionally & financially, and communicating with old friends that you aren’t sure you have anything in common with anymore takes enough of a toll, that having to pay all these extra costs is really draining. It’s like walking through a field of land mines every time you connect with someone who doesn’t know who you are and what you’re doing lately. Are they going to freak out or pat me on the back and laugh? Should I brace myself for them to say something inadvertently hurtful or let myself trust them to be wiser than that?

Once I started writing this blog entry I realized that the most important thing we can do when it comes to friends and family right now is to cultivate our relationships with people who FUCKING GET IT. Our porn friends, our trans friends, our not-so-straight friends. I’m not very socially energetic but there’s no way I can cope with some people’s bullshit without having the comfort of other people’s understanding and similarities. And I can’t help sort of resenting the amount of energy I’m putting into the one camp when I could be pouring it into the other. OR WORK.

Jesus, I can’t afford this bullshit. Including my own — all I want to do is sleep and read and eat and listen to music. I feel sort of guilty and wretched and oh-so fucking tired.

A couple of new blog links for you:

Cum 2 Oasis Blog

I just added Oasis’ blog to my links and wanted to point her out to you. If you’re interested in knowing all of the groundbreakers in internet porn — people who had amateur sex sites before there were role models for such things — read her blog because Oasis is one of a small handful of them.

She’s one of those legendary people in *my* circle of do-it-yourself porn people, and has a hands-on, hardcore approach of swinging, fucking fans, flashing, gang bangs, interracial and party girl antics.

Another new addition to my blogroll:

Born Whore

I don’t know much about her (yet) except that she’s doing sex work in Australia. I was introduced to her recently through tweets linking to this post she made — It’s You I’m Afraid Of — that made me cry because so many parts of it rang so true for me, especially since I’ve been trying for the past few months to reconnect with family and friends and acquaintances from high school and college, some of them cops, many of them religious, loads of them Republicans, and a few others “liberal” (yes, in quotation marks).

“Folks want to be supportive but sometimes they don’t get it and that’s OK. I don’t expect people to know everything—I’m still learning too! But you should know that when you don’t get it, it can really sting or, I’ll be honest, irritate the shit out of me.

So it’s you that I sometimes protect myself from. It’s you who I will avoid or go silent with because I just don’t want to deal with how disappointed I feel. It’s you that I write for and to. It’s you that I want on my side. You are the ones who’s judgments, stereotypes, awkward silences and ill-informed questions I watch out for. It’s you I’m afraid of.”

We’re getting ready to spend a couple of nights shooting in one of our favorite local places so our spycams at home will be mostly-dead except when we come home to let the dog out, pick up things we forgot, etc.

I made an appointment for next week to make my hair blonde FOR REAL and this time I will leave no room for any misinterpretation. EVERY SINGLE STRAND OF HAIR ON MY HEAD MUST BE BLONDE. Not all the same shade, but all unambiguously blonde.

The week after that we’re going to be gone for four days traveling, shooting, seeing Delia’s doctor, and maybe taking a day off for ourselves, too. We’re only making plans to see one person while we’re gone, someone we’re shooting with/haven’t shot with before. I have a hard time balancing socializing, shooting, and staying sane so usually I sacrifice the socializing when I know I can’t handle it all. I honestly do not understand how other people are able to squeeze in so much time with other people. It’s beyond me, but still I hate all the missed opportunities to see people we like/love.

I’m reserving my scanty social juices for two things over the next six weeks or so: spending time with AmberLily and BigD before they move away from us, and spending time with family when my second nephew is born next month (during an extremely inopportune time; the H00d Canal Bridg3 will be closed, severing our most direct route to Seattle.

Between that and the usual stuff, I’ll try to post more interesting blog entries. For really real!