TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘friends’ Category

I’m struggling under the weight of a lot of things right now. Nothing that should be debilitating, but the end result is that I’ve been acting almost completely disabled. Money problems, health problems, overwhelming-to-do-list problems, incompetency problems . . . you know, life.

The struggle on my mind right now is trying to figure out how much energy to expend on conservative friends and family who have issues with my work and/or with my partner being a transwoman. Not that they know that word. And I should be patient because how many people DO? It’s not THEIR fault, right? And with me being in the kind of relationship where I even USE the term “my partner”. My girlfriend. My not-a-man not-a-husband not-a-boyfriend.

My mom has been struggling with how to tell HER mom (my grandma) and her born-again-Christian-asshole brother (my uncle) so I haven’t even seen my grandma in way over a year.

God, it makes me tired even trying to blog about this bullshit.

Now one of my step-brothers, the one I WANT to be in touch with a little, is coming out with his family for a visit next month. My mom visited them in Pennsylvania last year before the election and came back so disturbed by his wacko right-wingerism that she doesn’t really even want to see them again (AND didn’t even want to get into the basics of telling him anything about my controversial-to-them “lifestyle”).

Delia’s family in the Midwest still doesn’t know about her transition. We had a plan for telling them that we cooked up with her therapist who said that ideally you shouldn’t break the news in a letter, but face to face. We tried to get them to come out here last year so Delia would meet them at the airport presenting as a male (a concept that now seems totally ludicrous, uncomfortable and weird to me), she’d sit down with them and tell them all about it, the next day she’d present as a woman, and we’d all go see the therapist so they could learn about transgender. A nice idea, but there’s no way to lure them out here when the REST of Delia’s family is in the Midwest and her dad can’t take time off work; it just makes more sense for us to visit them there.

So Delia’s parents offered to buy us tickets to come out for a visit, like, RIGHT NOW. It would work out perfectly for the whole coming-out-face-to-face (except we wouldn’t be able to take them to our counselor) BUT Delia already changed her name so in order for them to buy a ticket she could actually get on a plane with, she’d need them to know ahead of time her real femme name (or we’d have to buy the tickets ourselves which we can’t afford to do right now). So after some soul-searching and discussion she decided to write a letter which she’s still working on.

As the word “transition” implies, it’s a process. And part of that process is . . . all of this bullshit of informing, educating, explaining, confronting, and dealing with loved ones and not-so-loved ones.

It made me feel sad when my mom said she doesn’t know if she wants to see my brother / can’t handle his fucked-up views. And I know it makes HER sad, too, but I feel like it will only be a few hours and it would be wrong to shut him out completely. I wouldn’t say this about my other stepbrothers or about my ex-stepdad, but this brother? I would. So I wrote him and his wife an email about “my lifestyle” so they wouldn’t be hit with surprises and wouldn’t ask about my job in person if they aren’t comfortable hearing me talk about what it really is (and told them, in short form, that I make adult websites). And the wheels are turning and they’re paying lip service to not judging other people, but copping to being “REALLY conservative”. And expressing concern over their seven year old daughter. He doesn’t want her to have to “learn too much about life” at this tender age. Like, what aspect of life does he feel he needs to shelter her from or that I’m going to so-inappropriately expose her to?

As usual I can’t help comparing my apparently depraved lifestyle with other people in our family and in Delia’s family. In both of our families there are those who have HUGE problems with my job, yet think nothing of letting the children be around people in the family who’ve actually sexually molested other family members. Nobody objects to the lifestyle of the family members who worked for the chemical company that made Napalm and Agent Orange and other killers and cancer-causers. When I had a husband who worked for Boeing, it never bothered anybody in the slightest (including me) that a family member worked for a company that makes machines of war. Their job is something to be proud of, but MY job is a big, scary, society-eating disease. Excuse me, but as much as you try to fallaciously connect porn depicting consensual sex and non, I DIDN’T DO THIS TO KIDS. Not even close. My brother doesn’t have a problem with his kids being around one of his other brothers who has stolen cars and served in Iraq and laughs with glee at videos of US soldiers beating and kicking the shit out of Iraqis. But oh, GOD!! WHAT will we tell the children about Trixie and her tranny girlfriend or that she has a job making grown-ups feel pleasure?

I know it’s hard, but it’s not THAT hard. Especially given the truly fucked up things that people are perfectly willing to ignore, live with and even brag about. He’s a soldier! He’s a chemical engineer! He works for the military industrial complex!! So easy to boast about. And even those other people who have actually HURT people — kids — get the benefit of the doubt: He deserves a second chance. But how many people boast about “my daughter, the pornographer!”? Actually, my mom does and my dad did. In small amounts, but still. They are extra ballsy and good. And I guess if all these little things are hard, I still have that to be extra specially grateful for and don’t know what I’d do without it.

*****

It would be easier in the short run to just say we’re going to be busy. Too busy to see my step-brother and his family. Too busy to fly out to the Midwest. Too busy to communicate on any deeper level with old friends than filling out those email quizzes about what our favorite colors and drinks are and coming up with a different reason than the real one for the last thing that made us cry.

I could do that (and have and still will to some extent), but sometimes you have to TRY. Because they’re family or because you really need a better reason than fear and exhaustion to sever ties with them. No, you have to try your hardest to be patient with their ignorance and fears and confusion (thankfully people have been patient with MINE). You have an obligation to make yourself fucking vulnerable to being told that what you do — whether it’s selling pictures of your beaver on the internet or it’s defying the status quo of letting your genitals define your gender or it’s being in a non-straight relationship — that you’re destroying the moral fibre of the country, tearing families apart, degrading humanity, and damaging our sensitive youngsters and oldsters who shouldn’t be EXPOSED to our depravity and perversion in their fragile mental and physical states!

You have to be gentle with them while they insult you and beg for your protection. Oh but mom is just too old to understand . . . oh god, I just don’t want to upset Grandma Seriously? These women have televisions and they’ve all HAD SEX. When I’m in my eighties I hope people don’t think I’m too stupid to understand new shit or that I can’t handle knowing that some women charge men money to get their dicks hard. I think they can handle it, and if they can’t? OH WELL. I wish someone would protect OUR feelings for a change. Like maybe not insulting the girl on the television for having “too masculine of a jaw” right when you’re sitting next to my trans girlfriend
who might feel self-conscious enough as it is about her OWN masculine jaw. Like maybe not saying that I’m going to warp your seven year old when YOU are the one warping her with your stupid, bigoted views.

I know I’m being a baby to complain about it because so many people have had it so much worse, but I’m *sick* of coming out to people and trying to hold their hands through the process when I just want to scream at them. It feels like such a gigantic waste of time and energy for me, personally, when I don’t even LIKE socializing with people. But I know it’s not healthy to take the easy way out and be isolated. I know that talking to people makes a difference, not just to us, but in teaching tolerance and understanding on a broader level.

*****

Basically I just feel bogged down. Getting together with family is expensive enough, emotionally & financially, and communicating with old friends that you aren’t sure you have anything in common with anymore takes enough of a toll, that having to pay all these extra costs is really draining. It’s like walking through a field of land mines every time you connect with someone who doesn’t know who you are and what you’re doing lately. Are they going to freak out or pat me on the back and laugh? Should I brace myself for them to say something inadvertently hurtful or let myself trust them to be wiser than that?

Once I started writing this blog entry I realized that the most important thing we can do when it comes to friends and family right now is to cultivate our relationships with people who FUCKING GET IT. Our porn friends, our trans friends, our not-so-straight friends. I’m not very socially energetic but there’s no way I can cope with some people’s bullshit without having the comfort of other people’s understanding and similarities. And I can’t help sort of resenting the amount of energy I’m putting into the one camp when I could be pouring it into the other. OR WORK.

Jesus, I can’t afford this bullshit. Including my own — all I want to do is sleep and read and eat and listen to music. I feel sort of guilty and wretched and oh-so fucking tired.

A couple of new blog links for you:

Cum 2 Oasis Blog

I just added Oasis’ blog to my links and wanted to point her out to you. If you’re interested in knowing all of the groundbreakers in internet porn — people who had amateur sex sites before there were role models for such things — read her blog because Oasis is one of a small handful of them.

She’s one of those legendary people in *my* circle of do-it-yourself porn people, and has a hands-on, hardcore approach of swinging, fucking fans, flashing, gang bangs, interracial and party girl antics.

Another new addition to my blogroll:

Born Whore

I don’t know much about her (yet) except that she’s doing sex work in Australia. I was introduced to her recently through tweets linking to this post she made — It’s You I’m Afraid Of — that made me cry because so many parts of it rang so true for me, especially since I’ve been trying for the past few months to reconnect with family and friends and acquaintances from high school and college, some of them cops, many of them religious, loads of them Republicans, and a few others “liberal” (yes, in quotation marks).

“Folks want to be supportive but sometimes they don’t get it and that’s OK. I don’t expect people to know everything—I’m still learning too! But you should know that when you don’t get it, it can really sting or, I’ll be honest, irritate the shit out of me.

So it’s you that I sometimes protect myself from. It’s you who I will avoid or go silent with because I just don’t want to deal with how disappointed I feel. It’s you that I write for and to. It’s you that I want on my side. You are the ones who’s judgments, stereotypes, awkward silences and ill-informed questions I watch out for. It’s you I’m afraid of.”

We’re getting ready to spend a couple of nights shooting in one of our favorite local places so our spycams at home will be mostly-dead except when we come home to let the dog out, pick up things we forgot, etc.

I made an appointment for next week to make my hair blonde FOR REAL and this time I will leave no room for any misinterpretation. EVERY SINGLE STRAND OF HAIR ON MY HEAD MUST BE BLONDE. Not all the same shade, but all unambiguously blonde.

The week after that we’re going to be gone for four days traveling, shooting, seeing Delia’s doctor, and maybe taking a day off for ourselves, too. We’re only making plans to see one person while we’re gone, someone we’re shooting with/haven’t shot with before. I have a hard time balancing socializing, shooting, and staying sane so usually I sacrifice the socializing when I know I can’t handle it all. I honestly do not understand how other people are able to squeeze in so much time with other people. It’s beyond me, but still I hate all the missed opportunities to see people we like/love.

I’m reserving my scanty social juices for two things over the next six weeks or so: spending time with AmberLily and BigD before they move away from us, and spending time with family when my second nephew is born next month (during an extremely inopportune time; the H00d Canal Bridg3 will be closed, severing our most direct route to Seattle.

Between that and the usual stuff, I’ll try to post more interesting blog entries. For really real!

We very much enjoyed having Kris Madison and company over this weekend, including her pug:

We indulged in the finest pizza, quiche and naughty treats from McDonalds, played birthday games, saw Coraline (delightful), talked sex, introduced Kris to Deep Space Nine, and didn’t get QUITE enough sleep (WELL worth it).

I also got enough work done that I feel carpal-tunnel-syndromey in my right wrist, but not enough done that I’m not panicking right now since tomorrow we’ve got chat and shows lined up for members to celebrate my birthday and St. Patrick’s Day and I’m still trying to finish a members-only update and eleven promotional galleries I meant to send to affiliates way BEFORE St. Pat’s.

My show tomorrow (the 17th) is at 4 pm (PACIFIC TIME), Delia’s is at 6, and my members-only birthday chat is from 7 to 8:30. If you can’t make that one, there’s another one on Saturday from 4 to 5:30 to possibly draw/determine the winners of the make-me-blonde thing (which, after last week’s terrifyingly low sales (a subject for another blog entry), will be the only way I can afford to make that shiny transition. There is hope for you yet, redhead and brunette lovers!

If you follow my twitter you know I went to Seattle for FootNight on Thursday thanks to AmberLily giving me a heads-up about the event and encouraging me to apply with her to be a “foot model”. It was a good opportunity to get out of my nerdy hermit bubble and enjoy having my feet fondled (something I’ve always enjoyed).

It was also a good excuse for me to get a pedicure: an expense and investment of time I rarely can justify since I don’t specialize in foot fetish porn (though we do try to include at least a few shots of my feet in most of my galleries).

99.99% of the sexually stimulating work I’ve done has been on the internet or over the phone, starting out with private shows on iFriends in 2000. Even though I enjoy private shows and phone, I have almost no time to do one-on-one stuff anymore (especially since the camworld is so much different from when I started) but I *miss* it, so attending FootNight was a way to get back to that a little bit while also experiencing something new in a safe environment with an emphasis on something I love: feet.

The rules were very clear for the event (no nudity, foot worship only, no direct sexual contact, no leaving the party with customers and coming back in, etc.) and all of the women were dressed to attend a nice cocktail party or fine art fetish shoot: black turtleneck dresses, shiny black corsets, etc. In my estimation, I was the only one dressed in a way that said, “it’s all for sale, boys! I’m a total hussy!” with my blouse buttons bursting, my skirt way too short and my boobs bouncing all over the place. I was also the most nervous person there, I think, next to many of the guests with my knees practically knocking trying to walk up and down the stairs in my unimpressively practical (but still challenging for me) heels and very unsophisticated sweat stains accumulating under my arms. The truth is that I don’t have any classy party garb that’s also sexy/leg-baring that I can still fit into.

Besides, I didn’t want to go to great lengths to “fit in”; I figured it was better to stand out looking like a tramp than try to blend in. On top of that I love upskirts and panties and have much more of that kind of thing than feet on my site so I was excited by the idea of having men on the ground below me able to see right up my skirt to my hot pink and black panties. Even if it wasn’t THEIR thing, it’s MY thing; I don’t get out much and planned to milk the tease for all it was worth.

I don’t actually think I have great feet; the only thing I have going for me is that they’re exceptionally small, but at the party there were A LOT of women with small feet. Maybe not quite as small as mine, but there were plenty of size five and six chicks there. All that small-foot competition gave me yet another reason to be glad I had a corner on the market for the super-slutty look.

So WAS there a market for it? Not so much, I don’t think, but wearing something less conspicuously trashy wouldn’t have made a difference. There were a couple of guys who expressed quite a bit of appreciation for the upskirt action, but as far as I know I didn’t have guys waiting in line to spend time with me and my feet at $20 for ten minutes. I kept busy and had fun, but probably only gained one new die-hard fan for the future.

The first guy to give me money wasn’t even there because he liked feet. He was there on a mission with a bottle of Scotch to try to get back into Lady Lydia’s good graces. He told me he’d been rude to her on the phone so she’d stopped talking to him and all he could hope for is that she would accept his gift, if not his apology.

In the process of relating this to me, he reached into his pocket with defeated contrition, pulled out a twenty and assured me that he KNEW the ONLY reason we ladies were there was to make money. “I know it’s all business and I don’t want to waste your time.” I told him that if he was going to pay me, we should at least retreat to a more private area (ie a different couch farther from the door) so I could make sure to give him the time that he paid for even if he didn’t care about my feet or really anything besides Lady Lydia. He and I also agreed that our move and the open exchange of money for time would serve as a model early in the evening for the other guys to take similar steps to secure special attention from the “models”.

After forty dollars worth of talking he felt compelled to resume his tortured quest to adequately humble himself to Lady Lydia. Even though it was the first face-to-face transaction I’d made like that, it felt very familiar . . . very natural to the point where I’m sure I’m forgetting a whole lifetime of doing exactly that: being the whore that men pay just to listen. Of course there’ve been a few other times I’ve gotten money from men face-to-face for certain things, but the circumstances were less formal and the terms not at all clearcut. No, I don’t think I ever blogged about them even though they’d make interesting reading. Much of my limited experience with photographers felt exactly like sex work too, even though they took great pains not to call it that — not to even call it porn — and they didn’t pay me with money; all factors that made it MORE compromising and awkward than work that’s commonly labeled as sex work.

Anyway, Lydia’s guy probably only wanted to spend twenty dollars on me out of obligation because I’d practically forced him to tell me his story simply by introducing myself, but my timer’s battery wore out making it difficult for me to keep accurate time. I’m still not sure if my unreliable timer worked in my favor or against me; on the one hand I wound up giving people more time than they paid for before I realized the timer had no intention of beeping. On the other, they sometimes paid for more since I would discover this too late for them to turn down the next ten minutes since they were already in progress. We were advised by the party organizers to keep a discreet eye on the time but my timer was NOT discreet AT ALL; I pulled that fucker out at the beginning of every session and beeped in ten or eleven minutes in a very obvious way, nerdily assuring them this would help me NOT be distracted from the fun we could have by worrying about the time while they raised their eyebrows and mumbled that I certainly was . . . prepared. If it had actually worked and sounded an alarm at the end of those minutes, I’m sure it would have annoyed a great many people so maybe it was all for the best.
/>I felt busy the whole time I was there, but didn’t really make enough for the trip to be worth what I put into it between the pedicure, ferry, gas, and time that I could have spent doing more lucrative things (like finishing the years-overdue redesign on my site and Delia’s and this blog and . . .). Still, it was worth it to me because it was FUN, super-erotic (I’ll elaborate on in another post) and a reminder of how good it feels to connect with customers individually.

It was also worth it to have BigD snap his suspenders at me, “work” with AmberLily to doubleteam a guy with our feet (again, I’ll elaborate in another entry), and to meet Lydia (I only realized when I got home that she’s the one Ron has told me so much about with so much admiration), Reyja (a fellow Emma Steel), and Mistress Matisse. We women didn’t have much time to stand around chatting with each other, but after so many years of reading Matisse’s blog and communicating online even the little bit we have via email and blog comments it felt to me like we were cousins at a reunion. You know how there are people that feel like they’re in your life — that you’re related to in some way — even though you only see each other face-to-face a couple times in your life and rarely interact? That’s what it was like being in the same room with Matisse: totally uncommon but still irrationally familiar. In fact, that’s what being with customers face-to-face is like. There wasn’t anything weird or new about it that I didn’t recognize as the same as a million other interactions I’ve had and kinds of work I’ve done which is probably what made it so hard for me to accept that I couldn’t just climb on top of a couple of these guys and fuck them dry for a few dollars more. Not that any of them asked for that (everything was very above-board, no-pressure, polite, and legal), I’m just saying it’s hard for me to accept the stigmas, restrictions, and separateness attached to sex work and all the little subtleties built into some of them so that they can avoid being labeled as such.

We just got back from spending a couple of nights in Portland where we did some shooting and saw Delia’s doctor where she got new prescriptions for higher hormone doses. I started editing a set of photos to post in my members area tonight, but instead of finishing I’m going to call a time out and just giving you this sample:

I am now going to force us to take a couple of days off and promise ourselves to take two days off next week AND the week after that. Normal people expect to have weekends but we’re not normal — working at home, enjoying our work, and feeling a lovely sense of control over our destiny makes it a real challenge to get away. I’ve kind of been freaking out the past couple of weeks, though, and know that my productivity is down the shitter because I *feel* like shit.

We’re not going to go anywhere or do anything fancy, but I am going to get a massage, some exercise, and spend quality time with some books. We are also going to take in the new Ed Harris/Viggo Mortensen movie — be glad you weren’t near me when I shrieked and squealed with crazy Elvis-fan lust when we saw the preview. I cream my panties enough over those guys individually but being blessed yet AGAIN with another pairing of them in the same film is like manna from a very pussy-friendly heaven.

Since I haven’t posted anything new of myself for my members in a couple of weeks, it will give me an opportunity to post extra stuff for Halloween! In the meantime, AmberLily posted one of the sets I shot of her at our house so my members can enjoy that!

Over the weekend we were blessed by a visit from AmberLily and her husband. It was a working visit, meaning we weren’t getting together *just* to socialize, but mainly to shoot a bunch of pics for her site. Delia and I looked forward to doing this knowing it would feel totally awesome to get a lot of work done without actually having to be in front of the camera ourselves the way we are when we shoot each other. Instead we got to totally devote ourselves to behind-the-camera work which is really so much easier with two people not just to actually TAKE the pictures, but to set up lights, move/clean stuff, etc. It was a good experiment to find out how productive we can be when a bunch of roles/tasks are subtracted from our routine.

I don’t want to ruin the surprise of her cute outfits too much for her members, so here are some samples that won’t reveal all of her sexy and whimsical ensembles:

I totally hogged the camera the whole time which was fun for ME, but by the end of the night a lot of the pics I snapped were totally fucked: poorly framed, blurry, etc. It’s very physical work, both modeling for pictures and taking them; my “muscles” were totally sore the next day, but that didn’t stop me from TRYING to get BigD to pose for me.

I *achingly yearn* for more resources (aka money) to be able to shoot with friends in nicer places for longer periods of time without such a limited schedule and the same boring house we’ve been living in for years. It boggles my mind to think of how much hot porno we could make if we weren’t bound by, you know, huge debt and stuff. Until that day comes, however, we’re doing a pretty good job with the time and other resources we DO have. If we could do all that we did in five hours, I wonder what we could do with a week or two in more inspiring and spacious locations? You can scoff at the necessity of those things when it comes to porn, but if you do then you’ve no idea how hard it is to frame thousands of photos to look reasonably special/different so that you don’t include a mess, carpet stain, wires, light stands, and other distracting crap that your subject (and her hot HOT pussy) is squeezed between.

After our trip to my psychiatrist, we drove a little more to spend the night with our friend, Ron Carlo. We had an idea for a new porn site to pitch to him and wound up staying awake until 4:30 in the morning excitedly talking about it and brainstorming. Here’s the domain and a little of the concept:

IMakePorno.com

I know, you’re thinking I’m crazy, always coming up with ideas that I don’t have time to develop, but that’s the beauty of this one; we aren’t doing it alone. Delia and I can do a lot (we DO do a lot) as a couple, but adding just one more awesome person to the mix expands the possibilities exponentially.

While this is a business venture, I’m more excited about it for personal and creative reasons. It’s an excuse to spend more time with Ron (and his family when we’re not actually shooting) and it really is true that so much more can be accomplished by a team than by individuals. The difference between two people and three is GIGANTIC, especially when that third person has tools, skills, talents, and experience that we don’t have. Ron knows what it takes to produce and market video and music on a variety of different budgets and timelines and his experience is super-varied. He is very familiar with our sites. We are familiar with each other’s tastes and turn-ons. Over the past three years or so of working with him on projects like this one and True Necromance, we know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, we get along really well, we are comfortable being honest with each other, our personalities balance each other out, we have a lot of important things in common with him and hanging out with him always uncorks a deluge of creativity. I LOVE THAT! He is resourceful, funny, optimistic, encouraging, smart, well-rounded, and he treats people with dignity and respect.

The rest of his family shares those qualities which is important since spending a lot of time with him also means visiting with his family (though not shooting porn with them) since we don’t have an office or studio (and because we like them). My family knows about and is supportive of my work and I know that makes a huge difference in how I *feel* about being a webwhore; it makes me really happy to work with people who are similarly blessed with supportive and creative family members. I know it sounds hokey, but the “energy” is just better when people aren’t keeping secrets from their loved ones and can talk about work with them. The second time we worked with Ron it was at his house where his wife is the one who picked out and sewed my costume and dressed me. Everywhere in the house was evidence of the things they value: art, activism, education, music, etc. They are people we care about which adds an extra incentive to this project and our desire for it to succeed.

Somehow this post is sounding like a letter of recommendation which isn’t what I intended, it’s just me counting our many blessings and sharing PART of why we are so excited about this project. We’ve been dying to branch out, shoot other people and do more creative things with our porn — things that we can continue to do as we get older that showcase more of our personalities and assets than the physical ones. We are so lucky Ron is excited and willing to take a risk on this project with us; the concept is something completely unique to him and an exaggeration of dynamics that could really only exist between the three of us. We would not and could not put this together alone or with anyone besides Ron. We can’t wait to see what emerges in two months, six months, a year from now and so on.

*****

In the meantime, Delia and I are working hard to get ahead on updates for TastyTrixie.com and DeliaCD.com so that our current members don’t suffer while we’re shooting, building and launching imakeporno.com (again, it will be part of our network so membership to one of our sites includes access to all: our current members will automatically get access to the new site if they are still active when it opens). I’m hoping to launch before Thanksgiving, but Ron is aiming for SOONER!

Just a quick post to say that we have family visiting today and tomorrow so some of our cams and audio will be down. It’s been too long since we’ve seen our nephew and we haven’t even given my sister her present for her birthday which was a month ago. It’s a hot pair of peeptoe sandals so in the back of my mind I’m hoping I can get a set of foot-focused pics out of her while she’s wearing them, too. Is that so wrong? PROBABLY!

Some snaps of me from the last time we had company over:

My psychiatrist’s office finally called back so I made an appointment to get back on Ritalin. I got a huge headache yesterday because I’ve been trying to use caffeine instead of prescription stimulants and caffeine? It’s pure fucking evil. I don’t have to consume much over the course of three or four days to suffer nasty consequences.

Even though I was almost totally out of commission yesterday with the headache, I did manage to write and post for members a sicko masturbation fantasy I had. I’m not sure if other people will jack off to it, but it’s an interesting peek into the mind of a woman and how the threat of violence from men is a constantly disturbing companion that can’t be safely separated from sex in our subconscious minds. Our brains are diseased with scary men.