TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘goals’ Category

What’s a smile turned upside down? Something much jollier than a frown, I think!

Just finished paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, assessing money stuff . . . thinking we’re doing all right. January was an expensive month (like, thousands of dollars more than what we budgeted), but we survived it. We stayed warm, ate well and I feel optimistic about February and very focused.

Thank you to everybody who supports us (currently or in the past or will again in the future) as members to our sites, camshow customers, and/or contributing donations, gifts, kind words, or telling other people online about us. You help make our lives dreamy and affirm my excitement over what we’ll be able to do with ourselves and our porn sites next year if we keep our noses to the grindstone in 2012.

*****

Links to check out:

• this sexy post from Delia about how my feet excite her (including pics of my toes and soles)
• Lightning Allie’s super-interesting post about how being right feels nice, but being wrong is better (I hope some other people comment so as to distract from the long-winded self-centered comments I left)
• pictures of Rugaru and his friends; I hate talking on the phone so I’m really glad I can see a little of what he’s up to on his blog. He’s new to blogging and twitter and stuff so if you have feedback or tips (don’t leave me in charge of showing him all the ropes!) or just some time to let him know you’re checking out where he’s at & going (if indeed you are/want to), I think he would like that.
• I deleted, added, and fixed links to some of the blogs in my sidebar. Still seems insufficient exposure to lots of our friends (and I know I’m probably missing a lot of people) but anyhoo. I really love a lot of those people!

Picture Delia just took of me drying my hair inside the cabin while she stood outside the cabin door looking in:

Might bring back fond memories for someone. And/or be a foretaste of more hair dryer pics to come with someone else. I’ll say no more. They’re almost like inside jokes. Except not really “jokes”.

Thank you, Delia, for interrupting your camming to come outside and do this for me! I tried to take some pictures myself using the self-timer and my little camera-phone tripod setup, but they were utterly worthless relative to the effort and headache I was putting into it. Well, even NOT relative to that.

*****

I haven’t been spending  much time over the past year or so surfing, reading blogs, “researching” things online, etc. But today I did a little of that. It was interesting. But I have nothing to show for it now except a great reminder that now is not the time in my life to get all up in arms and “informed” about important things. More important is just starting my day out on the right foot, working efficiently, and taking care of myself with time and energy left over to be with Delia. There are some goals I want to meet by the time I turn 40 and that’s barely over a year away. And then maybe I’ll do important things. Or just have more time to fuck lots of people. Or just have more time to fuck Delia lots!

Going to get into bed now and start out better tomorrow.

I’m so crazy I’m holding onto this broom handle for dear life!

We tracked in a lot of fir needles and such wearing boots in the snow; time to sweep it all up!

I wrote a blog entry yesterday, but it was all crazy and depressing and exposed too much so I didn’t post it!

Why do I feel like putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence makes me sound MORE well-adjusted instead of less?

Part of our roof and above it: so blue this morning I feel saved!

*****

Yesterday I also made a few little adjustments to DailyTrixie.com (not ALL the adjustments I want to make, just a few).

I’m considering making a very inexpensive members-only area on there to house fuller galleries from my little daily nudie pic shoots including outtakes and bigger versions of the pictures. It would be included as part of our network for people who join our regular sites or also be joinable singularly at $10 every three months. Something like that. I also want to make a monthly drawing people can get tickets to by leaving comments on my blog. Maybe the prizes would be access to this nudie pic site.

I’ve wanted to make cheap themed mini-sites for a long time, but I’ve also wanted to do a million other things for a long time, so let’s not hold our breath. Feedback is greatly appreciated, though. Like if that sounds cool to you, let me know!

Hoped to finish editing and building this gallery of pictures, but I bit off more than I could chew today with all the other stuff I was doing (working on a project that’s been overdue for YEARS). Anyway, here’s what you (members) have to look forward to:

Looking sweet in white panties & lavender nightgown.

The nightgown was a gift from Nugget so I’m eager for him to get to see the full set of pictures (including pleasurable usage of a pretty silver silicone dong)! I’m so far behind at life though that I guess it was unrealistic to think I would catch up on everything today.

I still need to take a day off for myself this week (or wait . . . this MONTH/year) and tomorrow is really the only day I have. I’m petrified to try it though, because it might make Tuesday and Wednesday suck ass. But they’ll probably suck ass anyway if I don’t take care of myself, so . . . whatever.

I will be incommunicado tomorrow for personal reasons (phones OFF, not checking email, not interacting with anyone but Delia), and the rest of the week for work reasons except for what I post on my site and on twitter.

I should also be getting my period tomorrow or, like, NOW. I really really really hope so, anyway. REALLY.

In the cabin loft where we now have a webcam thanks to H. Rugaru (formerly known as “The Hunter”) who also shot this pic right before we fucked:

Rear view of me naked except for panties down around my legs.

He wants me to keep the creampie pics from this sex session private. For today, at least.

*****

Starting today, the first Monday of 2012, I’m trying again to diligently log the number of hours I work along with formulating very specific all-day schedules and to-do lists. With three of us living and working together I need to have very good plans so that I know what I’m doing . . . and can communicate that to Delia and Hunter. I want to be doing my best every day to contribute and be healthy.

In case you’re wondering, fucking was NOT on my schedule for today (he was originally just up there to take pics of me naked!), but I still counted it as work because you could have been watching it on our spycams. It’s not a performance, but it is live content for our members. Note: I wouldn’t have counted staying in bed all day and lazily off-and-on-fucking, though, as hours worked.

If you’d like to show your appreciation for my free daily nudie pics, leave a comment and/or become a member!

JOIN my site to watch us live on cam!

Here’s a webcam snap of me at work at my desk in WebWhore Headquarters in front of my computer(s) from this morning, afternoon and evening:

Me at work at my desk / computer: morning, noon and night.

Kind of a good illustration supporting why, after having desk jobs almost constantly since I was sixteen years old, I’ve finally accepted that getting an hour of massage every week is not a luxury, it’s a health necessity. And even then I don’t think sitting like this for 8-12 hours a day is a recipe for good health.

Exercise. Massage. Fewer computer hours. Stretch. Must have. Think about it. Also if you travel in a seated position a lot for work. Especially behind the wheel.

In the past four or five months I’ve endeavored to do many a good (or at least interesting) thing.

*Remember how I was doing that ninety day program? Which involved leaving the house and being around people every day? Well! We spontaneously decided to move in the middle of that, but since I’d made this goal I kept going even though it started to be overwhelming and piss me off. Because I’d made a commitment to doing it and thought it was pretty fucking simple and I should be able to do it. And it was supposed to be GOOD for me!

• WHAT HAPPENED: I failed to complete the ninety days. And then felt like a loser who couldn’t perform even the simplest of assignments. But really there was a lot of stuff going on and I should have QUIT when it ceased to be effective and started making me crazier. Instead I lost sight of the purpose and doggedly tried to stick to something just to try to feel like I could successfully finish something.

*We moved.

• THAT WAS HARD. But I’m so glad we did it. Kind of sucked up a month or more, though.

*Immediately after we finished moving I decided to apply for a residency thingy that every year I say I’m going to apply for and never do. I started the application before we decided to move so again put pressure on myself to FINISH something for once.

• WHAT HAPPENED: I told everybody I was busy and to leave me the fuck alone, spent hours working on it (in my head, at least) but I still didn’t finish it. The process was useful and interesting, though, and it forced me to ask two people I admire if I could put them down as references. Just having them say yes was pretty awesome and made me feel good. Another failure to finish something, but got a lot out of the process anyway.

*I socialized! In addition to the 90 day thing and the screwing around with a person I shouldn’t be screwing around with, over the past few months I’ve spent more time talking on the phone with people and hanging around with them than I have in YEARS. Still not as much socializing as “normal” people do, but I broke my carefully-written rules to limit interacting with people (particularly in times of stress, like a big MOVE) and took advantage of rare visits to WA from friends Fayette of the Cockettes, and Tara / ecowhore (formerly hobostripper). We also visited with fellow Washingtonian pals Heather Corinna and Blue, and Lightning Allie.

• ASSESSMENT: I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with these friends (or transient playmates) for a bigger sense of accomplishing more work or making more money. But I’m still not sure what quantity and frequency of socializing I can sustain over the long haul in my life and actually get things done AND have the amount of quiet time in solitude I like/need to have. Delia’s been picking up a lot of slack at home and with work to enable me putting my energy towards these social experiences. I also failed to spend enough quality time with my mom or my sister and her family during this time so I have a long way to go in achieving satisfactory balance between work, play, solitude, friendships and family. Ultimately I think a big part of the solution needs to come from being less emotionally involved or obligated-feeling when it comes to interacting with customers or FEELING like I owe special one-on-one attention to everybody who appreciates me. Because
  • I’m a failure at that anyway
  • it’s not a sustainable business model / there aren’t enough hours in the day
  • I want my work to be creating more, better and more creative, unique-to-me content and ways many people can experience it NOT overextending myself to individual people
  • My social life needs to be with people *I* choose (or am blood-bound to) and do not need to maintain a certain level of service towards in order to retain a customer
  • Basically? I need to respect my personal limitations more and establish better boundaries between my work life and my personal life. I thought I was happy with my work life BEING my personal life, but that’s actually pretty fucked up and needs to change. I still have a really difficult time in separating the two, as with the guy I screwed around with (I couldn’t tell if I was doing it just for fun or because I thought he’d be a good convenient stunt cock to make porn with; the answer is both, but I need to stop forcing everything in my life to do double duty; too often I’ve passed up good experiences because I couldn’t exploit them for work).
  • Needing to work fewer hours needs to be a higher priority / goal to work towards.
  • I want time and space to be physically intimate with more people. Both privately and for work.
  • I need to treat work more like a regular job than my entire reason for being and source of self-worth. Because sometimes I don’t do a good job or work breaks or people don’t like me and I need to still be worth something to myself even when that happens. And it’s happened a lot over the past year.
  • I need to be a better partner to Delia. Next to myself, she and my relationship with her is my highest priority in life.

• ALSO: I identified a few people I don’t want to feel so attached and obligated to and do NOT want to have boundary-hazy relationships with. People I need to distance myself from. I’m figuring out that I can continue to love people easily and with a certain level of emotional or spiritual generosity without being their friends or feeling I owe them something or even interacting with them at all. Does that kind of love have any real value? It does to me, and beyond that I need not give a shit. Nobody is entitled to my love, time or friendship. Essentially I need to be more selective about who gets inside me and how deeply I let them penetrate.

*I took non-adult pictures of a couple of beautiful local ladies for their website and ads (for their totally non-adult work). I was flattered that they asked me, but also really nervous about it and wished I hadn’t agreed to do it because it was yet another opportunity to waste time failing at something.

• THIS WAS HARD. We don’t have the equipment and I don’t have the expertise to do a great professional job at this. One of them cried when she saw the pictures because she looked (felt like she looked) fatter than she wanted to look (she’s crazy-gorgeous) and I suspect they both had really high expectations of me and my supposed ability to take flattering photos (they know we make porn). I learned a ton from this thought-provoking experience, with maybe the biggest thing being that I am really fucking brave to put so many raw naked imperfect images of my very average imperfect self on the internet. Most women in this country would be mortified and sink into a deep depression to be as exposed as I am online, even ones that are a billion five times hotter than I am. This reminds me that 1) I am awesome in some ways and 2) my work is valuable. There are tens of thousands of women who are more beautiful than I am and have bigger and/or perkier knockers than I do (or longer legs or flatter tummies or tastier feet) but very very few of them are equipped to do what I do for as many years as I have without wanting to cut their own throats and castrate all men. I’m not saying my work is intrinsically horrible and damaging, I’m saying that IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST ANYBODY WITH A VAG CAN DO.
• ALSO: I am more skilled and useful at listening, understanding and helping somebody with tearful gendery emotional body-image perceptual stuff and finding ways to put that stuff into healthy contexts than I am at being a photographer. I would rather spend time having (and becoming better at) those discussions with people than taking pictures of them. Right now neither is a priority for me, though; my priority is continuing to exploit my own high tolerance for raw exposure to get our credit cards paid off. And to steadfastly love myself while I do it. And to understand the very distinct difference between me and projected images of me.

*I did our 2010 taxes. Late again. But whatever.

• This takes me awhile, but it’s when I kind of assess our financial health and progress so for now it’s worth it for me to continue doing it myself. We’re making some progress in some ways even though our paysite income in 2011 is half of what it was when it needed to be twice as much to get ahead. So our sites need to make 400% what they’re making now to get anywhere financially. For a few years, anyway. OR we have to cam our asses off. Which is what Delia’s been doing to make up for the shortfall.

*We’re establishing better systems with the help of Lightning Allie. This includes being better organized with better plans for content production and processing, housework, debt reduction, and having some balance in our lives and figuring out what we want our lives to be like. We are no longer trying to do everything ourselves, just the two of us, or making decisions from within a weird bubble of isolation.

• RESULT: I feel a lot less anxious, a lot less overwhelmed, and like a lot more is possible by doing less myself / focusing on fewer things. And I’m enjoying contemplating and grappling with what I want those primary areas of focus to be. SEE ABOVE. And we’re getting ahead on shooting content. I feel more secure. I feel like I’m carrying much much less of a burden of memory and responsibility and obligation-to-follow-through because Allie is there to keep us on track and do a lot of the stuff that we really don’t need to be doing. I can drop balls without being scared I’ll lose them forever. It’s easier to get things done when you don’t have armfuls of bushels of balls.

Now you’re kind of caught up on tons of (the boring-to-others parts of?) my life lately. I don’t complete a lot of what I start, but when I’m okay with that I still wind up *doing* a lot. That’s pretty cool.

I started to write something else I’ve been spending time on but it felt too private to be conveyed in here in this format, so I deleted it for now.

My top priority starting yesterday for at least five days is to get lots of exercise and do a lot of stretching in preparation to do a lot of shooting.

Here was the view from my yoga mat on the floor this morning:

"Skyyyyyyy hi-uh-eye" (everything's a Blue Rodeo song today)

I loved watching the clouds whispering past the sliver of moon:

Clouds coming to get the moon.

Sliver of moon.

Today’s Olympic Mountains from the backyard:

Today's Olympic Mountains: snowy & skirted with low clouds

Lots of trees were blooming on my brisk noon-time walk:

Spring blossoms shot with my new smartphone!

I know — how many colors of sky-blue can there be?!? I think the first picture is the most accurate to my eye. With the moon-and-cloud pictures I just wanted you to see the contrast I was enjoying.

So! Of course I have other goals and mega-amounts of stuff on my to-do list, but my waist is measuring more than 35 inches; I need to work on my health before I have a heart attack or cortisol-poison my brain to death or something.

Members: I’ve got a lovely gallery to post for you as soon as I finish two blog entries that I want to post WITH it.

For most of three days this week doing taxes and other money stuff consumed me. It shouldn’t take that long – I’m a moderately organized person, but not AS organized and on top of things as I should be to make quick work of filing (yes, late). Mostly my brain is just easily overwhelmed so I have to split myself into a couple of different characters: the inept, freaking-out person doing the taxes and the kind-hearted special-education teacher coaching myself through it all, breaking everything into manageable chunks, giving myself little pep talks after mini-breakdowns.

I also checked our credit reports and in general did everything as thoughtfully as I could. I know most people hate doing their taxes, but even though some aspects of it are challenging for me (and I don’t exactly look FORWARD to it like a trip to the beach) it’s always a kind of special time of year for me. I would even call it mildly spiritual. It’s the time when I assess a bigger picture than the most recent day’s, week’s or month’s unexpected financial traumas and give thanks for the money we’ve made and people who enjoy our work enough to pay for it, not just last year but in all the years that have gone before.

Finding out we owe almost $20,000 to the IRS (including payment plans we’re still on from the past) in addition to all of our credit card debt (WAY more than $20k) was also a spiritual opportunity and experience. I managed to apply lessons I’ve been shown to live in the present moment and realize everything is okay right now, even great. Our debt is just a nonsensical, meaningless series of numbers in terms of the now. We have the means to MORE than meet all of our basic needs and to keep doing our jobs and many other things we love to do. You might call it the brain’s way of protecting its host’s desire to continue living, but I call it profound and magical.

I do not call it denial, though. I spent hours simply looking at the numbers of how much we owe, making realistic goals for decreasing our debt by focusing more on the positive aspect of trying to increase how much credit we have available to us, and feeling genuinely excited that we can not only make significant dents in our debt, but even get out of it someday and experience more freedom.

The main reason I am able to feel positive and hopeful is Delia, though. Many weeks of late she has pretty much doubled our income by webwhoring for hours and hours upon hours while still updating her site every week. I pretty much drained her bank account to pay down our credit cards a wee bit (wee relative to the amount we owe, NOT wee looking just at the dollar amounts paid).

Anyway, I’m sorry for the interruption to sexy-time and updates; I did think I’d get the taxes done faster this year, but no such luck. I know I sound really calm about it, but I didn’t have anything left over to get anything else done. Yesterday I woke up at 5 am after only four hours of sleep, probably because my insides just wanted me to fucking FINISH already so after tossing and turning for awhile I just got up and aside from the money stuff I was too much of a zombie to get anything else done requiring brain power or eye focus.

We fell asleep around midnight laughing at a Simpson’s episode (Homer vs. Dignity) we’d already watched once at dinner, but it was so funny and apropos (“when the Simpsons once again have financial problems, Mr. Burns pays Homer to play pranks on others and humiliate himself in public”) we watched it again. I so relate to Mr. Burns and would love to have my own prank monkey! If Delia keeps working her ass off like this, someday she might be able to afford to buy me one!! I would love to throw her money at some poor schmuck while forcing him to writhe on the floor of a public restroom in a diaper. Yesssssss . . .