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Archive for the ‘hormones’ Category

So. The good news is it stopped snowing here and has all melted away. The bad news is I’ve been sick for months now. The other good news is I’m finally tired of it and resigned to the fact that I need to do more to get better.

Snow & Icicles and SNOW!

Note: this post is not going to get sexy / will bore you unless you’re curious about the state of my phlegm and such.

I’ve kind of been ignoring being sick because GOSH I’ve been so much sicker before and able to get better on my own, but I’m really, really tired. I came down with a cold at the end of December, got better for a week or two, but then the sore throat part of it came back along with the gross symptoms I described here. My throat hasn’t actually felt painful or scratchy the past month, it just feels very constricted, tiny, and hard to swallow. And it does look red. People have been bugging me that it might be strep but I’ve been dismissive of that for a number of reasons. Do you really want to know the reasons why? Okay, here are a few of them: 1) because no one else I’ve been close to has had strep or gotten it from me this whole entire time and isn’t strep supposed to be really contagious? 2) Because I’ve had these kinds of symptoms before in my long life and gone to the doctors for strep tests only to have it be a total waste of money because it wasn’t strep, 3) because I TOTALLY BELIEVE I CAN SOMEHOW CURE MYSELF!!, 4) because I hadn’t done everything I possibly could to get better, etc.

But now it’s literally been months and I have other weird sick-but-not-dying feelings. And I’m just so so so fucking tired. But I’ve been so much more tired in my life and I don’t actually feel like I’m dying so maybe I should give it another week or two! Anyhoo, I *will* go to the doctor soon, I promise. With this set of problems on top of how I’ve been randomly breaking out in itchy rashes since April (yeah, almost a whole year) with no apparent cause plus a host of other chronic issues I think I might have a  systemic yeast infection. I’ve been suspecting something like that with my weird nose and throat problems, but didn’t actually know something like that could exist in your sinuses (or bowels or system-wide) until I read it this week in a book I checked out from my doctor’s office. It would all make sense since when I got better two years ago, a big part of the solution was following a low glycemic index diet to improve and stabilize my blood sugar/decrease insulin resistance/increase my insulin sensitivity.

I feel depressed, have very little energy, and am having a super duper hard time eating right even though I know that’s most likely the key to feeling better. When I feel shitty, all I want to do is eat and sleep. I wish I could check myself into some kind of diabetic insane asylum therapeutic fat camp or something.

Getting my B vitamin injections is much better than NOT getting them, but definitely not solving the problem. I started taking 5-HTP more aggressively for the depression problem AND because I read (in that same book where I read about systemic yeast infections) that it helps suppress cravings for carbs / boosts weight loss. I’ve been doing nasal rinses, but not as regularly as I could/should. I’m taking acidophilus, vitamin D supplements (do NOT listen to the government’s recommendations on how little D you should get because they are WRONG), etc. (also not as regularly as I should). I drink emergen-c like it’s going out of style.

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I’m torn between embracing and catering to my identity as a sickly creature and denying it absolutely.

Basically my biggest accomplishment most days is just winning the struggle to stay awake. It sucks. And I’m aware that it’s not at all sexy unless you have a fetish for invalids with disproportionately large bellies.

My girlfriend is getting bigger boobs!!

Yeah, old news to some of you, but I don’t think I’ve blogged about it yet so I’m taking this opportunity to celebrate and share the news with you. We’re taking a trip next week for Delia to get consultations with a couple of out-of-state surgeons so the reality is setting in that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN and I’m getting very excited about it.

Yes, I love the puffy-nipple hormone titties Delia has now and I was very VERY excited about those growing in, but I surprised myself by feeling sort of conflicted about her little puberty-boobs. And you can kind of see why, can’t you, when I go into dirty-old-man-speak like that, right? You know I am a sucker for taboo role plays and the idea of pert buds of breasts, but sometimes I gross myself out getting off on that when they’re so REAL. It feels like I’m doing something criminal when I fondle them and I haven’t had the time or courage to really work that out yet. And now? I DON’T HAVE TO! Because my girlfriend is getting implants!! Unambiguously GROWN-UP boobs!

Underneath the cherry excitement of having a girlfriend about to get big fancy titties, there has been a foundational experience making it possible: having a special donor/philanthropist/able investor/friend come forward and send Delia THOUSANDS of dollars. And when none of the Pacific Northwest docs friends referred her to would do boob jobs on transsexuals and seeing that things were going to cost more? He stepped up and sent THOUSANDS MORE so we can make this trip and find the right doctor and make sure she gets the beautiful jugs she deserves and I dream she’s dreamed of.

I feel like I’m exploiting Sweet T. by publicly talking this way about the money he sent, but trust me, I do it with adoration and a wriggle of shivery delight (and imagine the words “adoration and a wriggle of shivery delight” being spoken in his delicious accent). I know this is the kind of story that makes chicks feel excited, happy for each other, and not just a little jealous. It’s the kind of story you WANT to read in a webwhore blog and know that it’s not a lie or crazy fantasy someone made up.

Some of you might be too jaded to appreciate this with purity, but it’s honestly an experience that reminds me (again) that there are people with money (some more, some less) who really want to use it to make people happy and give someone they admire something she longs for. Yeah, there’s the bonus of seeing the new boobies and having a hand in crafting an element of someone else’s experience, but with something as straightforward as boobs . . . I don’t know how to describe it without using the word pure. It’s very tangible and direct.

It’s exciting, because of the gifts AND because we’re sharing the excitement with someone else . . . it’s magnifying the experience, drawing it out of the mundane of doctor appointments and personal responsibilities and worries that would otherwise bog it down. Knowing that Tom is excited about the outcome and taking care of the most worrisome aspect of it leaves us free to enjoy the process and look forward to the results. It’s like a fun movie or fairy tale or something . . . more like what I think people outside of our internet porn world IMAGINE our lives are like all the time as chicks with our own porn sites. It’s affirming and a relief to have a story we can tell friends and family that actually lives up to their more positive expectations and wild imaginings (people mistakenly assume having your own internet porn site means fortune and large numbers of fans).

Note: I do not want to discount all of the people who send us smaller gifts and contributions — you are appreciated and definitely not forgotten, and there were many of you who helped with Delia’s boob job fund. The amount of people who support us and our work is profound in our lives, even if it hasn’t made us rich. All of you have made us want to keep doing it. And getting thousands of dollars at one time from one person? Just helps solidify our commitment / the feeling that it’s worth it. Again, though, I don’t want you to think we don’t notice some of our long-time members who have spent thousands of dollars on us over the years. Thank you!

Yesterday marked a very special occasion on the girl-getting-breast-augmentation journey; Delia bought her first dress especially to go with and show off the bigger boobs she’s getting. Oh good lord, that was exciting. Maybe more for me than her . . . I was practically fucking salivating thinking about how gorgeous she’ll look in that dress and what her tits are going to look like in that flimsy fabric and WHAT THEY’LL LOOK LIKE AFTER I POUR WATER ALL OVER HER AND GET THEM DRIPPING WET AND YOU CAN SEE HER HARD NIPPLES THROUGH THE FABRIC and then Delia started laughing at me because I was pawing at the air in circles, middle finger tracing her erect nipples in the sky, as I described my enthusiasm for these near-future visions of hotness.

So yeah, buying the dress to go on the new boobs definitely amped up my giddiness. Weeks ago I actually wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t rather be able to go to Disneyland instead, but the dress clinched it — boobs totally trump Space Mountain.

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I don’t know if posts like these surprise people who think I’m all “NATURAL BODIES OR DIE!!” (and take the culture thieves at Disney with you!) I do wish for more acceptance of and appreciation for natural bodies (and especially less open revulsion/disgust) and I do think cosmetic surgery is very problematic and dangerous and worth thinking/talking about critically (meaning with your thinking cap on, not just negatively shredding apart) and overall WAY WAY WAY WAY TOO COMMON, like it’s fucking endemic to being a first world woman over thirty, but oh man, I do love some artifice and craftiness, too. I’m not saying it makes all or even most women look “better” (not at all), I am just acknowledging that it makes them look different and I am not bothered by those differences as a default. And sometimes I really admire the differences and appreciate that plastic aesthetic (and would a lot more if it weren’t so fucking ubiquitous).

What I mean to say is that when Delia got her first (and only so far) Botox injections a few months ago IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. Even though I was there when she did it and should’ve made the connection, about a week afterwards and for a month from then I was blown away whenever I looked at her, like OHMYGODyou’reSOlovely I COULD WEEP! And I didn’t recognize it as “that botox is really working wonders”, it was just that she looked like she always does but with a special softer glow. It was like a really subtle, masterful, living-and-breathing photoshop effect. She only got it around her eyes, brows and bridge of her nose and it was really cool. I don’t know why they’re saying Botox is going out of style, because it seems quite splendid to me.

But I know it’s really terrible to spend money on that when there are children starving in Africa everywhere. On the other hand, it is our job to be attractive and Delia never got to be a young woman while she was young, so fuck that guilt.

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I was also going to blog about Delia’s internal penis bumps, but this entry got out of hand length-wise so I’ll save it for next time. I know, I utilize the most erotic turns of phrase to keep you checking back for more.

A few points of (non?) interest:

*I’m taking a break this cycle/month-or-two from the birth control pill. I’ve exercised almost every day this month (HINT TO VOYEURS: I do that in the morning/early afternoon on our “anywhere” cam broadcast on SOY with audio, usually) and want to see what will happen. We’re not trying to get pregnant, I just want to monitor my body and see how it does without the extra estrogen now that I’ve done other things to make my endocrine system and brains work better.

It’s likely that my boobs will shrink, but on the positive(?) side my clit will grow and I’ll become even more of a raging, horny bitch.

*Delia is going to LA to claim her Tranny Award without me. She’s going to be gone for five nights — we have never been away from each other that long. I’d love to go with her but can’t figure out a way to justify spending the money or worse taking the time off. I thought about trying to line up some shoots to at least pay for my ticket, but the only way a pale old girl like myself could make any quick porn money down there is to do hardcore, and I don’t know anybody that pays to shoot with condoms.  I mean, I really don’t know anybody PERIOD in order to navigate that kind of thing so it seems far less stressful to just stay home and do my nerd work.

Yes, I should write a blog entry about how I feel regarding testing in the porn industry, condoms, and (shudder) regulating the use of such things. But not tonight.

I would love to take some time off or take time away from some kinds of work to do other kinds of work, but if I do, it needs to be in a way that’s healing and relaxing, not anxiety-riddled. The truth is I don’t want to pay money to pick out LA clothes and pack them and go to social events, etc.  If I pay money to take time away from work any time soon I need to either a) know I’ll safely be making a lot  more money or b) have absolutely nothing to do with people (except Delia) or agendas or PACKING or being photogenic or even clean or c) be doing creative work my way by myself. So yeah. I could probably find a way to pay to go down with her, but I think I’d be stressed out leading up to it and even resentful to be throwing time and money away on an excursion that I don’t need as desperately as I need to do, well, “B” or “C” above.

But then I think maybe I’m being stupid. And I’m actually kind of freaked out about being in the house alone that long. AND I WILL MISS HER AND NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!! But I hope she has an awesome time full of fun and sunshine. Sigh.

*Our DSL modem died last week, taking two of our bedroom voyeur cams (”MoreBed” and “BedroomDesk”) down with it until we could get a replacement up and running today. It was kind of a stroke of luck because the new modem they sent has a wireless function so I moved one of our other machines over to that connection, the one that broadcasts our Kitchen Cam and “Anywhere” (usually the living room) cam.

Before the old modem died, our DSL connection was EXTREMELY stable, so I hope it will continue to be that way with double the bandwidth/cam broadcasts. If it isn’t, we’ll be in trouble because I can’t remember the password to our cable network router and that machine’s wireless interface didn’t retain the profile so switching it back isn’t an option until I can unearth the piece of paper I can SEE IN MY MIND where I carefully recorded that information. I know I didn’t wipe my ass with it so it has to be around here someplace, but it could take years of excavating to unbury it from its resting place. I’m sure I could totally reset and reconfigure our router but I honestly am not up to living through that headache again. I know this shit is easy for other people but it rarely goes as smoothly as it should for me and isn’t the kind of thing I want to or can afford to spend days troubleshooting and repairing. So FINGERS CROSSED that the DSL smoothly keeps those four cams broadcasting, trouble free and without interruptions.

Anyway, I’m hopeful that subtracting two cams from our cable connection will make uploading content faster and our other cams (and shows) stream faster.

*We’ve been bombarded by some back-end frustrations coming from a couple of different directions. Stuff that’s even more boring and hard to relate to than the above, but also more “sensitive” in terms of what we can/should say about those issues so I won’t bother boring you with them and getting ourselves into trouble talking loosely.

*I really do have more interesting things to blog about, and I promise, I will. I am so fat with drafts . . . fat with drafts.

How long can I feel this super groovy? I hope a looooong time! The memory/deja vu/hopeful-excited-magic feelings I mentioned last week are still here and I feel GREAT. So great that I’m almost worried that I’m losing my marbles and trying to figure out what to attribute these good feelings to.

Is it the B vitamins? The D’s? The pressure being lifted from IRS after being forced to resign myself to accepting and even embracing whatever bad things might happen? Our deliciously mild winter (that could fuck up the winter olympics in Vancouver if the Pacific Northwest doesn’t get more snow)? Getting rid of DirecTV and reading more and enjoying each other more? Our new sound therapy machine with the delta wave inducing sounds (I usually dream so much that I don’t get deep dreamless sleep: a symptom of low serotonin levels/depression)? Is it that I’ve lost some weight? Is it going to twelve-step meetings? Is it just that I’m reading more and I FUCKING LOVE TO READ?!?

I don’t know, but IT IS GOOD! So I’m going to try to enjoy it and not worry that there’s something wrong with me. Goes to show how unhealthy I’ve been for so long that when I feel terrific for more than three hours I think maybe the sky is falling.

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I picked up my new weighted hula hoop today for more high jinks on the spycams! I also have a bollycardio dvd that we rented which I’ve only gone through once and am looking forward to doing more of. It’s jolly/silly camwatching goodness.

Speaking of camwatching goodness, we enjoyed some fucking yesterday and I hope our voyeurs did, too.

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On Friday and Saturday we had a great visit with my sister, brother-in-law and nephews which contributed to my heightened sense of awareness and positivity. Hanging around a three year old and an easily-delighted baby with a huge grin and dimples is like bathing in a clarifying happiness. Music sounds better, everything looks newer and more interesting and mysterious, and I have an excuse to read books aloud that were read to ME when I was little.

And hey, on top of that there is all of this boundless LOVE. On top of just loving those little guys to pieces, the amount of unconditional love I get from them is totally amazing. I’m forced to love myself more just being around them, in part because they do not see flaws but also because I want to always model un-self-conscious confidence to them; they make me love  myself more.

Maybe that’s what’s going on with me lately . . . better brain chemistry. Getting better sleep. Getting rid of the television — maybe having more oxytocin like from being around my nephews and my sister, but also from cuddling Delia and really being TOGETHER in bed instead of just staring at the tube all of the time. Maybe I’m just being flooded with a lot of girl juice: the loving, bonding chemicals, not necessarily the sexy ones.

Cuddling never used to help me fall asleep — it was more something I liked to do for a few minutes BEFORE unsticking bodies and going to sleep on my own side of the bed. Bizarrely enough, I’m actually finally starting to understand how great if feels to fall asleep nestled up to Delia. If I get in her armpit with her arm around me and my nose on her upper tit, I now get an instant jolt of SOMETHING I’ve never had with anybody else. Seriously, it’s some kind of a drug injection that I do think has something to do with oxytocin. Whatever it is, it’s BLISS. Tranquilizing and emotionally/sensually stimulating all at the same time.

It’s still sort of weird and foreign to me so I mostly continue my years-entrenched habit of nestling into my own don’t-touch-me space to sleep, but I think I’m going to try to get more of that business more often. I might need to work on my initiation technique though which consists of awkwardly trying to lift her arm up and demanding she “let me in”.

If you’ve never seen the movie Salmonberries you may not have heard of this FUCKING BEAUTIFUL song, so OH MY GOD — here you go:

Is it possible to watch that with a morsel of chick hormones and not be like, “PICK ME, KD — PICK ME!!! I WILL OPEN MY DOOR AND EVERYTHING ELSE GAHHHHHH-hahahaha-CRYING HYSTERICAL TEARS OF INFATUATED DESIRE!!!” ??

Anyway, if I remember correctly the film was incredible, too. Not in a high-production kind of way, but yeah. I miss the days of indie lesbian films. So compelling and awkward.

I juiced my panties waiting in line to pay for my birth control pills at the drugstore yesterday.

This guy walked through the door, about 20 years old, 6′5″-ish, flannel shirt, jeans. He was alone and awkward, his shoulders hunched. He had that straight-ahead stare and his whole posture was that of a kid who just tried to get from one class to the other in high school without being picked on, or without letting on that he could hear people picking on him. A tall kid adults thought should play basketball but who absolutely couldn’t.

He was pale and slightly Edward Cullen-like without knowing it and when he walked by me I just wanted to fucking JUMP ON HIM. To be transported to the back of a van with the doors open on a dead end gravel road in the woods, smelling him and feeling him and being under him and on top of him FUCKING OUR BRAINS OUT with him grunting and moaning quietly, wordlessly, and looking slightly scared like the whole situation is just out of his hands . . . beyond his control.

I wanted to touch him all over and bury my nose in his armpits while dragging my slimy cunt up and down on his thigh before using it to devour his pecker.

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It’s probably important to emphasize the whole “waiting to pay for my birth control” bit: during my week off of the extra estrogen I get MAD with fucklust. But beyond that there’s just the whole excitement of smelling a man and seeing him and immediately knowing exactly what it would feel like to be pressed up hard against him. Being suddenly, spontaneously immersed in a vivid sex fantasy in a public place, surrounded by people while your imagination is completely captured by the presence of one man (or sometimes two men or a whole crew of men who just got off work or left football practice or whatever the fuck).

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The other day I mentioned an attractive young man volunteering to be my houseboy/porn stud. And for once having it really sound extremely exciting to me to the point where my mind kept conjuring up the sensation of a tan, wiry 15-years-younger-than-me kid ramming me with his vigorous young boner.

I know, those words are just insanely obnoxious but that’s how insanely horny the thoughts made me, that instead of turning me off all of those tacky concepts thrilled me to the point where my cervix puckered with anxious anticipation. Again, normally the idea of someone banging at my cervix makes me want to vomit, but once these thoughts take hold an enormous gulf separates me from the world of good taste and common sense.

It’s only recently, perhaps in the past year or two, that the thought of fucking barely-legal boys has become a turn-on for me. Not to the extent that it’s displaced being turned-on by guys my age and older – far from it; normally it’s the grizzled dockworkers and loggers and boatbuilders and painters and dirty dirty dirty fully-matured MEN who capture my attention. BUT. As the distance between me and fresh-out-of-high-school grows and the difference between me and them becomes more pronounced I feel more and more turned-on by the idea of having a roster of boys in my little black book to call upon and service me.

Part of it might also be the way people respond to this fantasy online; knowing how many people want to jerk off watching me fucking a fresh-faced, ruddy-cheeked 19 year old with a crazy little prick that never gets soft and is used to shooting buckets of cum every week from his own tugging at home or wherever he can unload is REALLY FUCKING HOT TO ME. Knowing how many people would want to be that boy so bad that it would make their nuts cry makes me want to induce that state of agonizing stiffness.

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I know, you’re all “what about girls and Delia and stuff?!?” I am with a girl, I am WITH Delia, and have been to the exclusion of all others for many years so have been denied men (not denied as in not allowed, but denied for all practical purposes, not by the structure of our relationship but just by circumstance and my own unwillingness to pursue outside interests or cultivate new “hobbies”). And so much of our sexual energy and her cum is diverted by her doing shows and solo shoots that there’s not a lot left over for private banging.

I’m not complaining, this is just a status report. I enjoy the way my lust for other people has swollen over the years. It’s not something I want to act on right now, but is something I’m enjoying being tortured by and look forward to indulging in.

Later, though.

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I want to show my members and blog readers pictures of random dudes I want to fuck and the guys who catch my eye on the streets. I want to make the people who jerk off to me start jerking off to my fantasies and for their gaze to turn from my pussy to the cocks they want to fill me, for them to be less interested in their own fantasies of fondling my tits and MORE interested in my own fantasies of dragging my boobs over the chests and faces of young fellows who don’t know what the fuck to do with themselves, let alone with me, except to just hump and pump away at whatever they can stick it into or shake it at but for me to make. Them. WAIT. Until they just shoot their loads on their bellies. Hands free. I want people online to be even more obsessed than I am with the possibilities of who I might wind up seducing or seduced by, and for those people online to not even want it to be themselves. For them to want it to be someone else totally removed and entirely part of my meatworld. And all you get to do is watch and YOU JUST CAN’T WAIT.

It makes me fucking CRAZY.

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I need to go take my girl hormones now.

Here are a couple of boobie pics to make up for the lack of happy stimulation in my posts lately:

Mature Hourglass Figure

I know, I look CRAZY in the eyes, but I love the way that angle makes my shape look so hourglassy! These pics are from my two most recent members-only updates, fyi.

My bumpy boobies in black & white!

There are more free samples at TrixieAndFriends.com and perhaps some other non-nude stimulation you’ve missed on my twitpic page (and my new sexypeek feed) but obviously(?) if you want ALL of my goodies, you should  join/become a member!

*****

In other news it’s been a busy week and we wrapped it up perfectly with shows and members-only chat yesterday and today. I started getting a migraine last night during my show which was the perfect opportunity to beg Delia to fix me some coffee which I avoid like the plague except when I need the caffeine to stave off a big whopper of a headache. SO DELICIOUS, though. I love the flavor of sweetened, creamy coffee! And it was because of that, my friends, that I was able to concentrate on that blog post I made last night about porn being consumed in public places.

Today I’ll be lucky if I get a couple of emails written/sent that need to go out; I didn’t get enough sleep so might need a nap, then we’re spending the evening at a really huge Thanksgiving potluck celebration that’s very special to us. I have a good kind of PMS right now and think I might bawl rivers of gratitude.

This is totally cheesy, but it brought tears to my eyes watching the girl win the Teen Tournament on Jeopardy tonight. I’m not posting her name here because I don’t want people to google her and wind up at my porn site, but it’s rare enough when women win, let alone YOUNG women and on top of that for her to be so poised, mature, articulate, confident and comfortable while also being so personable and such a joy to watch . . . it was inspiring to me and made me so happy to see a real young woman on television conduct herself in a way that I’d want my daughter (if I had one) to aspire to be like. Watching those kids on that show is usually so painfully awkward, I just felt so much (possibly misplaced?) pride for my gender as I admired her performance.

I know. I’m a total fucking dork. But I often get choked up watching women win in any kind of competition.

And okay, I’ll admit it: I have PMS!!

Normally when you hear “camgirl” and “stroke” you think of masturbation. Unfortunately our online pal UndressJess experienced a different kind of stroke yesterday.

Some of us who follow her twitter account noticed a couple of really jumbled tweets from her, plus one saying she was on her way to the hospital. I finally got ahold of her on her cell phone this afternoon; she is in the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD A STROKE.

Undress Jess

She was able to speak fairly coherently, though she stopped and apologized a couple of times because it’s hard for her to organize her thoughts. Apparently the main thing is that SHE CAN’T READ and is pretty worried wondering how she’ll be able to work on her site, camming, blogging, promoting herself, etc. when she totally can’t READ. It’s like weird instant dyslexia.

It’s really hard to imagine being so young, living alone and becoming disabled overnight. You never know how long (if ever) after a stroke you’ll regain the function(s) you lost, but if I heard her correctly the estimate is about a year for her to be able to read again. Apparently the only guess being made as to why this happened to her is from her birth control pills. Yes, fuckers, STROKE is one of the risks of being on hormonal birth control. So next time you hear a guy complain about using a fucking condom, pull out this little gem. Risk of stroke isn’t just a bunch of tiny words on a pill pack insert no one reads.

Rad Camgirl Undress Jess

Needless to say, she won’t be on cam or updating her site or doing daily shows the way she normally does so I hope her fans read this and try to be supportive. Her main site is UndressJess.com but she also has awesome booty-shaking vids on shakinit AND a clip site if you can only afford to purchase one or two videos. It’s hard to imagine what an extended hospital stay and disability can do to a single, independent camgirl/site owner financially.

Note: I’m not going to keep calling her while she’s in the hospital and if I do talk to her again anytime soon the conversations will no doubt be brief and about work stuff, so I can’t say that I’ll have updates for you or pass messages along to her, I just want people to be aware of her situation and do what they can to support her work online and be patient while she’s absent and struggling with what happened to her brain. If you have a blog, it would be great if you could repost this.