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Archive for the ‘inspiration’ Category

Warning: this post might gross out some people, so if a certain word in the title makes you uncomfortable, the rest of this entry will probably heighten your discomfort:

I SO enjoyed my nightgown camshow last month (and had an awesome one the day before, too). I wore a long nightie that always makes me feel SO sexy and SO pretty and such a feminine tease. Someone I worked with years ago gave me three Eileen West nightgowns I never ever would have bought for myself, but now that I have them I want a dozen more:

Big Boobs Look Plush Under Pleated Cotton Nightgown

I guess I just really like the feeling of white lengths of cotton flowing all over my body with no panties or bra (like my long white May Day dress).

Pretty lady in long cotton nightgown looks like a sweet mommy tucking you in.

I *especially* like the way these nighties make my jugs look so generous and mobile and soft with the pleats adding more fabric to accentuate them bursting forward. So so ripe and full.

Modest and non-nude, but suggestive and succulent

In my show it was like poetry, talking about being a lady in a long nightgown, and what ladies in long nightgowns like to do and how their pussies get so wet underneath their long long nightgowns. I felt so pretty and iconically feminine, like if Victoria magazine included porn (never gonna happen, I know). Don’t you just want to push that white cotton up-up-up? And see and smell some soft, furry bush?

Free pics of me from a few years ago in a similar night gown: http://www.trixie.com/tgp/Trixie/see-through-nighty

It’s gross I guess, but I also love how skinny my arms and legs look wearing this nightgown. It’s the most feminine interpretation of skinniness, I think. Everything looks so long and pretty and gracefully awkward compared to everything in the middle looking so abundant and juicy.

It made me want to log in to the pay-to-view camsite I’ve been working and make all the boys want me to be their pretty mommy in her modest white nightgown. It’s such a familiar mommy-in-summer look, the soft cotton wafting faded mommy perfume and hugging hands reaching out on long arms to drawn you in. There’s nothing overtly sexual about it except that it’s all ALL all woman, and the modesty is the most naked you might get. A silhouette if the light is right, a sour-sweet stubbly armpit, some long pale leg if she gathers it up a little to step through the dewy lawn to get the paper in the morning.

It’s a look that provokes powerfully confusing strong feelings in a lot of people of both innocent love and taboo lust.

*****

That day we had more people in members-only chat than we’ve had in MONTHS, which also boosted my spirits terrifically. And really everything started looking up on Thursday when and after we fucked (don’t you think this is true?).

Sleepy mommy-type's big Victorian "dirty pillows"

*****

If you want to get me a similar nightgown or inexpensive night slip to fill out my pretty mommy wardrobe, I have a couple ON SALE on my wishlist! It would be nice to have a couple of new drowsy sleepytime gowns to wear this summer.

*****

I hope to blog more later about 1) the camming I’ve been doing and 2) my own shame, discomfort and conflicted feelings about role plays I get off on.

In first grade I was addicted to this story:

Every chance I got to go to the library and request that they set my friend and I up to listen to this, I WOULD. I remember it as an audio tape with a little paperback book hung in one of those baggies with plastic handles they had for mixed media, but now that my memory is jogged by this youtube video I wonder if it wasn’t a filmstrip because everything about this seems so familiar, but it’s probably just the narration and images, not the motion:

Anyway, I loved it. Couldn’t get enough of it and listened to it OVER and OVER again. I’ve always loved stories that take place at night, were dark, involved sleeping, criminals, loners, outsiders . . . dark escapism that’s sweetly menacing. It’s weird to look back on it now and see more adult elements in it and to read this New York Times review of the book and the author and the challenge of creating both art for children and erotica for adults. I’m glad I was exposed to The Three Robbers in the seventies in public school because I’ll bet that book would never see the light of day without a public lynching of the guy if it were to come out today. Nowadays you must either be 100% child-and-work-safe or resign yourself to being considered a 100% evil boundary-rapist. Take your pick. The only way people can fly under the radar is to be unsuccessful or too artistic for the general population to acknowledge you, and I’m sure this reissue of his out-of-print books is one of those things that will only be noticed by existing fans like myself.

I wish I had a magical blunderbuss to blow that bullshit right out of people’s assheads. But for now I’m going to add The Three Robbers to my wishlist so I can read it to my nephew(s — another’s on the way). WITH SOUND EFFECTS!

Everyone’s been talking about Bettie Page’s recent death. I felt almost guiltily unphased by it, especially considering that I cried when I heard Bernie Mac died.

Tonight I burst into tears upon reading that Majel Barrett (Gene Roddenberry’s wife) passed away.

I’m a latecomer to Star Trek; even though the original series did make an impression on me as a little kid, it was of alien go-go boot sexiness and little else. It was only after Delia and I watched Trekkies that I got drawn in and we watched all of Next Generation from beginning to end. Gene and Majel Roddenberry’s work and values have come to mean a lot to me; I’m thankful and inspired by the positive and progressive ways Star Trek depicts gender, sexuality, aging and ethics.

Whenever I see Majel on tv, a burst of love, appreciation and adoration swells up inside of me and I SCREAM it to her.

Her characters are inspirations to me and the work she and Gene Roddenberry did together and legacy they’ve left behind are models of working relationships, vision, humanitarianism and hope that make me feel richer, happier, and better about myself and other people.

We’ll miss you, Majel.

Last night we stayed up way too late, but it was worth it to catch up a little on something we haven’t had enough of lately: SEX. Watching/listening to Daniel Lanois (see below) put me into a magic place, and reaching over to feel Delia’s semi-hard cock made fucking her totally irresistible. I alternated between stroking her cock and feeling her swollen, growing boobs before I got on her and came two times to her one. The whole thing was super-intense, partly because it’s been a couple of weeks but mostly just because it IS.

It’s super windy here today with a projected snow storm rolling in; I think we lost power last night so most of our cams went (and stayed) down until we got up. Don’t be surprised if it happens some more over the next week. I *hope* it won’t interfere with the shows and chat we have scheduled this weekend, but if it does? You’ll know weather is the reason.

Enjoy the full moon tonight, if you can. It will probably be clouded over here.

I’m going to make myself keep exercising because it’s paying off after a week of being consistent; I feel a lot better already. I did fall off the wagon yesterday and tried to tell myself getting a massage was AS GOOD as getting exercise, but sex and backrubs really aren’t all that aerobic so if I want to keep feeling good, I need to do some physical work tonight.

I have galleries to post for members, but honestly I don’t like them enough to post them right now so I’ll put something else up and we’ll shoot something better.

After having family stay with us for a few days, I usually feel like I need a day off to myself to recover from the energy kicked up from so many people around me. During this visit, however, I kept retreating to WebWhore Headquarters (that’s what I call my home office) for a couple hours here and there, allowing myself to WORK to relax.

Instead of picking work that I really *need* to do that’s high priority for making money, I allowed myself to work on low-priority stuff that’s fun and not complex or stressful (except for feeling guilty for not doing more important things) and requires no interaction with other people. Stuff that’s compact, like blogging and posting one-pagers on domains I’ve had for a long time that have been sitting, completely BLANK. My thought is that anything I accomplish is a bonus since I should be taking time off from work while family is here for our late-Thanksgiving so I should do something totally relaxing instead of tangling with bigger projects.

Here are some of the one-pagers I’ve made over the past week or two:

Worse Than Porn
TrixieDoll
Borg Porn
DeliaTS
Give Me Sugar

It’s soothing to play with fonts and colors and inspiring to remind myself of concepts and ideas that interest me. Only a couple of those were frivolous, actually, with no immediate application, but I still feel conflicted all the time and defensive about the choices I make with my time. Like if I enjoy it and other people might not understand where it fits in the puzzle, then I should feel badly about it. There are a lot of things I’m choosing to NOT do, and I constantly imagine a crowd of people criticizing my choices, saying “what, she’s not doing X so she can do Y and Z?? THAT is stupid! She hasn’t earned the right to waste time doing that — I want X! I want X! Y and Z are useless! She would be so much better off doing X; a bigger commitment to doing X would solve all of her problems, can’t she see that?”

One of my goals is to stop worrying so much about the critics, both external critics and my own internal asshole voices who can ALWAYS find some way to make me feel like I’m not doing good enough. I need to focus on what I’m doing right (and right NOW), not what I’m doing wrong (or not doing at the moment). Unfortunately I’m often painfully aware that every choice I make to do one thing means not doing ten billion others. It’s depressing and I have to knock that shit off. Being on Ritalin does help a lot because I can sit down and focus on something without intrusive thoughts and ideas continually popping into my head of all the other things I can/should be doing which then make me totally anxious, overwhelmed, afraid to proceed with the task at hand, and hopeless because of my limitations and lack of giant progress.

I know a lot of people struggle with similar feelings, so I share this for a couple reasons: because I know other people can relate and it always feels good to know you’re not the only one with these kinds of challenges, and because it helps ME to type out my fears and remind myself I don’t want to carry them around. I want to be happy with what I *can* do and what I *want* to do right now at this moment. I want to look at what I’ve done and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride, not guilt and maudlin hyper-criticism.

*****

Anyway, the family is gone now, our spycams are back up, and Delia’s warming up some of her delicious turkey & stuffing leftovers. Life is good.

I’m glad there’s still no clear winner from yesterday’s pick-me-a-blog-topic post because I don’t have enough time to blog or masturbate or do anything enjoyable except snatch some tv while we’re eating as therapy to recover from the stress of . . . not having enough time/having time sucked up by STUPID stuff. Uncreative, unsexy, uninspiring, frustrating, lame-ass, stupid stuff.

Specifically? Too many hours spent over three (not consecutive, phew!) days replacing our router. Summing it up in one sentence like that hardly seems fair to me and only makes ME look stupid. Like only a dumb fuck could lose days of work on what sounds like such a simple little task. But it wasn’t simple (and even when it was, it was still excruciatingly time and money-consuming) and was connected to many other things. Being a camgirl/pornographer? So not fucking glamorous most of the time. And it’s not just me: pretty much all of my fellow camgirl/pornographer friends are constantly battling the same obnoxious tech shit that interrupts the fun parts of our jobs and makes us all want to just go bathe in gravy-covered carbs. Tech problems are the ultimate turn-off.

Sometimes when my eyeballs feel like they’re about to pop out of my head from the force of my frustration and I start hyperventilating and looking around for things to throw out the window (or AT the window while it’s still closed so they’ll both make satisfyingly loud shattering sounds), I try to calm down by asking myself, “what would I do if I were an Officer on the Starship Enterprise? I certainly wouldn’t behave like this, even if WebWhore Headquarters were about to blow up in forty-five seconds!” Patience! Faith in one’s own problem-solving abilities! Barely a sense of urgency: just a confident, one-step-at-a-time pursuit of a solution with nary a raise in my heart rate.

So far this technique hasn’t worked for me. But maybe someday it will; it’s dorky enough that it might do the trick when nothing else can. Or maybe I just shouldn’t skip my Ritalin.

*****

Tomorrow night we’re going to *try* to trek to Ron’s to do some shooting for IMakePorno. Hopefully I’ll have gotten most of my “asshole” out of my system today, part of my tax return done (I *have* to get that done, like, yesterday), my hair colored (it’s the color of faded, sun-dried feces from a malnourished cat right now) and have time to pack and plan before we get there.

I am a Starfleet Officer, though. I can do anything.

Actually, I’m like an unholy (and super-irritating) union between Barclay, O’Brien (cranky DS9, O’B) and Quark. Sprinkled with the annoyingly pompous, bossy, hypercritical, controlling, buttinsky loudness of Kira and Riker.

Yes, you *should* feel sorry for my friends and family.

When I told Delia I wanted to take some pictures at night while the frothy white things were still in bloom, she explained to me that “those “blooming frothy things” are called oceanspray (Holodiscus discolor)“. I adore it when she gives me the Latin names for plants. She went on to tell me, “they’re a native shrub noted for their exceptionally hard wood. The local tribes used them for spearing fish and such.”

It was windy when we took the pictures so the blossoms are white blurs in many of the photos, but here is a small taste of what we were aiming for:

I love the way my white panties are gleaming!

FYI: the light source is an overhead street light. We have a lot to learn and practice with night photography but I really enjoy making the attempts. We would go back and try again, but the flowers are all getting dry and brown; we really shot this set of pics on nearly the last possible night to get the white froth. There’s always next year, though.

If you want a peek at something that encapsulates a lot of what’s magical to me about black and white, nighttime, small towns, intimacy, and taboo, here’s one of my favorite things from one of the most beautiful movies ever, To Kill a Mockingbird:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB0sjVN2Pic&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6&border=1]

As if the opening credits weren’t enough gorgeousness, so much of the movie takes place at night. It’s spooky and vulnerable and wondrous. That feeling of trees with treasures holes and dark houses with Boo Radleys and curious little people wandering around at night when they shouldn’t, finding out sad, scary grown-up things . . . that is a feeling I love and something I would someday like for us to be good at capturing (but without the children, of course). It’s why my Keds and panties and my limbs lit up are so captivating to me in these pictures. Why I love the debris on the path. I love the nighttime. I love woodsy places in drowsy neighborhoods. I love being outside and awake when everyone else is asleep. Or *trying* to fall asleep. Or getting fucked really loudly, which is what we heard one lady doing while we were shooting — it was HOT BEYOND BELIEF!

I’ll be posting the full set of pictures for members today. If you’d like to see them (and support us in our erotic endeavors as we learn more about low light and night photography) but you’re not a member yet, you can JOIN HERE.

As usual I have lots of thoughts and news swirling around in my head, waiting to be blogged about but without adequate focused time to do it. Thanks for staying interested and continuing to check in with me during my dry spells.

Rather than go another day without blogging, I’ll share something SUPER COOL that I ran across today: the World Sunlight Map.

It’s so incredibly beautiful to me, this refreshable ilustration of Earth with her cloud cover and shadow over the places where it’s dark. It’s deeply appealing to the voyeur in me, gazing at places where I know we have friends and fans, imagining myself hovering so far away and somehow imagining I can zoom down and know something close about them because I can see whether they are in light or night. I think it’s the shadowy parts that make it feel like there’s some entity out there, even if that entity is just space, potential and a different perspective, and that I’m part of it. It turns the whole concept of “He’s Got the Whole World (in His Hands)” inside out so I feel like we’re offered a vantage point of holding the whole thing in our OWN hands, tiny and precious. So vulnerable to and dependent on light and dark. We’re all in there; it’s wacky and thrilling.

It’s like doing a God role play with omniscience being the ultimate form of voyeurism. As such, I added the World Sunlight Map to a new page for our spycam fans that also includes webcam shots of roads, bridges and ferries that we travel and links to our town’s webcams. I’m guessing a few people will enjoy them even if none of these features are explicitly pornographic. They’re all things *I* enjoy VERY much that give me a strangely different vantage point on my own life and position. My perception of NOW is different looking at that dark wave blanketing my country. It makes me appreciate how temporary the night is, and how I should make full use of it and the daylight because they pass so quickly. You can see each one as it approaches. It’s a slowly moving picture of the passage of time and each of us invisibly under it.

Attending our county convention yesterday as an Obama delegate counted as my social event for 2008; so what if I only struck up conversations with three people? That’s more action than this hermit usually sees.

Because socializing both bores and overwhelms me, I love getting my social time doing things with an agenda where there are rules guiding behavior and people in charge of reinforcing those rules. Parliamentary procedure definitely fills that need, and the lady I complained about here did an awesome job of keeping people in line, pushing them closer to the microphones, speaking coherently and just being generally awesome. She only used one acronym demanding clarification from an audience member which she explained without apology; you’ve no idea how much I admire that in a woman. While the acronym thing bugs me, I love her unapologetic down-to-business attitude.

It was both a relief and a disappointment discovering that the next caucus happens at the same time we’ll be attending the transgender conference where we’re on a panel so I couldn’t even try to get elected to move on; you wouldn’t believe how many people couldn’t grasp the concept of a thirty second speech, couldn’t keep their name tags swiveled around so people could see their names, and didn’t even understand why the timekeeper was waving her arms at them after they’d been droning on in a disorganized fashion for upwards of 90 seconds!

Anyway, it was fun being surrounded by liberal people getting a charge out of showing off their familiarity with Robert’s Rules of Order. I loved every minute of it, including the annoying parts/people. The Kucinich fanatics even made wonderful hyper-idealistic points and invited us to join in their futile, counterproductive bid to send as many “undecided” delegates on as possible. It was inspiring, it really was; in addition to preferring structured social events, I also like people-time that has an inspirational and/or change-making purpose, so I loved being in a crowd of people who are all excited about the positive changes our next president can bring and empowered to be part of that.

I wound up bonding with a lady who of course asked me what I do for a living. As usual, I first responded with the deliberately vague “webmaster”. With her lovely shining smile she probed deeper, asking, “so what does that mean exactly?”

I liked her and felt like she was a relaxed person, so I told her; “I make porn sites.”

Her smile stayed on, bright white and wide and her eyebrows perked up naughtily while she asked me to repeat myself. I laughed and teased her, “you heard me: PORN!”

She loved it, responded with fascinating disclosures about herself, and thanked me for making her day.