Happy for all the rain we’ve gotten lately. Also happy to wake up to blue skies today.
. . . vitamin B12 deficiency can lead to deep depression, paranoia and delusions, memory loss, incontinence, loss of taste and smell, and more . . . . Symptoms may include:
- strange sensations, numbness, or tingling in the hands, legs, or feet
- difficulty walking (staggering, balance problems)
- a swollen, inflamed tongue
- yellowed skin (jaundice)
- difficulty thinking and reasoning (cognitive difficulties), or memory loss
- paranoia or hallucinations
I don’t know why I keep failing to stay juiced up on them. I hope I don’t have permanent brain damage because of it. I originally started getting these injections because of migraines, but HELLO discovered they make a whole lot of crazy symptoms / conditions (that I was afraid I was imagining and didn’t even know to articulate) go away.
This time around I think my failure to stay on top of them is that I sometimes feel shitty the day I get them (SO WHAT?!?), they’re expensive, and . . . I’ve been attributing a lot of my issues to smoking MJ which I never really did more than a handful of times up until a little over a year ago. Plus it helped me deal with (but also masked and ultimately contributed to) a lot of the depression and other symptoms until recently. Anyway, I took a week off which helped me see these symptoms for what they are.
Maybe having anxiety attacks because I think my tongue is swollen and I can’t breathe is ACTUALLY BECAUSE MY TONGUE IS SWOLLEN. And maybe when I feel like I’m walking sideways and lose my balance IT’S BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS FUXORED (and I had this problem over five years ago before I started on the shots and increased my insulin sensitivity and ALL OF THAT WENT AWAY). Along with
- muscle spasms in my abdomen
- “air hunger”
- “brain fog”
- numb pinky fingers and toes
- dropping things
- fast-cycling bipolar disorder
- auditory hallucinations
- blurred vision
- shaking hands
- DID I MENTION MIGRAINES?
- paranoia and anxiety
- constipation (not this time around, but I imagine I have petrified shit still in my body like a stone baby from years back)
- weird sensations of coldness in small areas of my calves and belly (not this time around)
- I can’t tell when I have to pee or not / pee tiny amounts a zillion times a day
- PEEING when I cough/laugh/sneeze
- FUCKING EXHAUSTED
- can’t fucking concentrate on SHIT
- repetitive/obsessive thoughts (like a song lyric on repeat . . . or a short imagined scene of your nephew’s head being run over by a car replaying OVER and OVER and OVER) (not super bad this time around)
Forcing myself to list these things I feel like a dumb ass. It was (felt & appeared like) a miracle when these shitty-ass things went away five years ago and I swore to myself I would never settle for anything less than the healthy feelings I had then, SO WHY HAVE I SETTLED FOR IT? In part because I’ve had migraines and depression all of my life and forget that maybe that’s not really WHO I AM, but just some shit that can be taken care of. BUT I also made so many other changes then, including:
- taking iodine
- taking 5,000 IU of Vitamin D every day
- taking omegas/fish oil
- adopting a low-glycemic index “diet”
- going back on birth control
- taking probiotics daily
I’m sure all of those things help me. A LOT. Which lulls me into thinking I don’t really need to do any of them all of the time. I’ve been blaming a lot on going back off the pill (it’s been over a year now), making me riddled with more testosterone / less estrogen, and not only overeating, but overeating total shit. I’m talking about eating up to eight pop tarts, two huge bowls of cheesy noodles, ding dongs and a whole bunch of other shit almost every night about a year ago. That’s not good, even if you’re a totally healthy person a foot taller than I am, so that’s obviously a huge contributing factor given how fucked up blood sugar = fucked up brains (oversimplifying a complex multi-system problem, but that’s one of the results).
When I made all of those positive changes years ago, I did it without getting the right blood tests for any of it — I had insurance at the time which forced me to go to a shitty doctor I didn’t know who refused to order all but the most basic stupid panel and attempted to gently blame it all on me being a depressed crazy lady so my thyroid function and hormone levels weren’t tested (except for the notoriously unreliable TSH test) and for sure no B or D vitamin levels – I did find out that my potassium levels were low, though, which I still have failed to take care of because I’m a dipshit. Now that I’m getting cramps in my legs every time we fuck and I’m about to orgasm, maybe I’ll take care of that (AND keep getting the mag shots) — I’ve never seen or felt my calf BALL UP practically under my kneecap before and would prefer that never happen again.
Since then I dropped the insurance (shortly after that), got my good doctor back and have enough information and resources to take care of myself. But I often have a difficult time PRIORITIZING information and separating the wheat from the chaff, so I forget to apply the most important bits of knowledge, wisdom and experience on a consistent basis. And I do what we’re taught to do – blame yourself/character for not having the willpower to perfectly mind-over-matter yourself to awesomeness, say you don’t deserve to spend money on something THAT PREVENTS BRAIN LESIONS, handicap yourself so you aren’t even able to make more money because YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, etc.
If all of these symptoms appeared in their most severe forms overnight it would be easier to recognize how serious they are and recall the remedies, but that’s never the way it works. Sometimes it’s in the process of forcing myself to try to explain why I get these shots – like I’m doing right now – to be like FUCK! NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND! I can fix this! And not *just* by forcing myself to do all of the hardest stuff first (eating less / eating healthier, demanding of myself I exercise more when my body is least capable of benefiting from it and doesn’t have the energy to do much more than that in a day, etc.). All of these things are inextricably connected for most people (deficiencies in one area lead to reduced function and deficiencies in other areas), so it’s super important to do as many of the good things as I possibly can (and as few of the shitty things, too).
I need to keep my promises to take care of myself. Otherwise I become not just useless, but a burden. I’m really not interested in being a burden on the people who love me. Plus I love my life and my work and want to be able to live it fully and do the best jobs I can. I don’t want to be one of those people who shits all over their good fortune.
Someday I’ll make a site FOR MYSELF with comprehensive (and comprehensible) info on all of the stuff I’m still learning about health (much of it beginning when we tried to get pregnant and couldn’t). Until then I’m making everyone suffer along with my crazed random revelations-2.3 explanatory info-pukes. Sorry. I’m good at synthesizing information / gleaning and putting together the applicable bits into my own personal theories, but not at recalling and articulating all of the pieces that led me there. Not without a lot of work, anyway. Which my brain is incapable of just when I need it the most.