TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘mundane’ Category

A few points of (non?) interest:

*I’m taking a break this cycle/month-or-two from the birth control pill. I’ve exercised almost every day this month (HINT TO VOYEURS: I do that in the morning/early afternoon on our “anywhere” cam broadcast on SOY with audio, usually) and want to see what will happen. We’re not trying to get pregnant, I just want to monitor my body and see how it does without the extra estrogen now that I’ve done other things to make my endocrine system and brains work better.

It’s likely that my boobs will shrink, but on the positive(?) side my clit will grow and I’ll become even more of a raging, horny bitch.

*Delia is going to LA to claim her Tranny Award without me. She’s going to be gone for five nights — we have never been away from each other that long. I’d love to go with her but can’t figure out a way to justify spending the money or worse taking the time off. I thought about trying to line up some shoots to at least pay for my ticket, but the only way a pale old girl like myself could make any quick porn money down there is to do hardcore, and I don’t know anybody that pays to shoot with condoms.  I mean, I really don’t know anybody PERIOD in order to navigate that kind of thing so it seems far less stressful to just stay home and do my nerd work.

Yes, I should write a blog entry about how I feel regarding testing in the porn industry, condoms, and (shudder) regulating the use of such things. But not tonight.

I would love to take some time off or take time away from some kinds of work to do other kinds of work, but if I do, it needs to be in a way that’s healing and relaxing, not anxiety-riddled. The truth is I don’t want to pay money to pick out LA clothes and pack them and go to social events, etc.  If I pay money to take time away from work any time soon I need to either a) know I’ll safely be making a lot  more money or b) have absolutely nothing to do with people (except Delia) or agendas or PACKING or being photogenic or even clean or c) be doing creative work my way by myself. So yeah. I could probably find a way to pay to go down with her, but I think I’d be stressed out leading up to it and even resentful to be throwing time and money away on an excursion that I don’t need as desperately as I need to do, well, “B” or “C” above.

But then I think maybe I’m being stupid. And I’m actually kind of freaked out about being in the house alone that long. AND I WILL MISS HER AND NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!! But I hope she has an awesome time full of fun and sunshine. Sigh.

*Our DSL modem died last week, taking two of our bedroom voyeur cams (”MoreBed” and “BedroomDesk”) down with it until we could get a replacement up and running today. It was kind of a stroke of luck because the new modem they sent has a wireless function so I moved one of our other machines over to that connection, the one that broadcasts our Kitchen Cam and “Anywhere” (usually the living room) cam.

Before the old modem died, our DSL connection was EXTREMELY stable, so I hope it will continue to be that way with double the bandwidth/cam broadcasts. If it isn’t, we’ll be in trouble because I can’t remember the password to our cable network router and that machine’s wireless interface didn’t retain the profile so switching it back isn’t an option until I can unearth the piece of paper I can SEE IN MY MIND where I carefully recorded that information. I know I didn’t wipe my ass with it so it has to be around here someplace, but it could take years of excavating to unbury it from its resting place. I’m sure I could totally reset and reconfigure our router but I honestly am not up to living through that headache again. I know this shit is easy for other people but it rarely goes as smoothly as it should for me and isn’t the kind of thing I want to or can afford to spend days troubleshooting and repairing. So FINGERS CROSSED that the DSL smoothly keeps those four cams broadcasting, trouble free and without interruptions.

Anyway, I’m hopeful that subtracting two cams from our cable connection will make uploading content faster and our other cams (and shows) stream faster.

*We’ve been bombarded by some back-end frustrations coming from a couple of different directions. Stuff that’s even more boring and hard to relate to than the above, but also more “sensitive” in terms of what we can/should say about those issues so I won’t bother boring you with them and getting ourselves into trouble talking loosely.

*I really do have more interesting things to blog about, and I promise, I will. I am so fat with drafts . . . fat with drafts.

Since I missed Half Nekkid Thursday last week, here’s a duo of half-nakedness (equal to whole nakedness?) to make up for it slightly:

Half Naked Rack of Trixie's Natural Boobs

It’s pretty rare that I wear thongs or g-strings, but when I do it makes me happy when they look this delicious:

Thong & Cameltoe from behind

You can check out other people’s Half Nekkid Thursday pics for this week here (links are in the comments).
There’s another sample photo from this gallery on Delia’s blog along with a hint of information about the video coming up; I think these tiny semi-sheer thong panties were a big hit with both of us! Members can see the whole gallery HERE in which I get fully naked and if you aren’t a member, you can JOIN HERE).

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My blogging goal today was to talk about my goals (or lack thereof) as a “photographer”, but I’m behind on almost everything a person could possibly be behind on. Still, I’m proud of myself for getting exercise every single day this week so far, and doing it in the morning before starting work. On top of that we’re forcing ourselves to go to sleep earlier and wake up at a normal time.

It’s hard to switch over when you’ve always been a night owl and you always thought the ideal schedule would be one where you stay up all night and sleep all day, but it’s not working with the dog, with our spycam viewers, with the errands we need to run, or even just with my sense of well-being. I wind up feeling so behind even when I wake up at ten – by the time I’ve done what I need to do to start my day off on the right foot (and I’m discovering that is *exercise* right after breakfast) and run errands and then had lunch, the day feels like it’s shot and night is falling.

Living so much on the internet has a profound effect, too. If I’m just settling into work when everyone on twitter has gone to sleep or is in front of their televisions, I feel really out of it. It’s also bad from a promotional perspective if everybody is asleep or nobody is paying attention to their feeds or anything when I’m posting my fresh stuff. On the other hand, I’d like to escape a lot of the immediacy and hyperfast interaction of the internet; there are things I love about that, but I just don’t have the energy or personality to sustain so much NOWness with so many people. I need to be working on being in the now with just myself, or at most myself, Delia and our dog.

Mostly I just had such a great week last month when I was naturally waking up early and exercising that I want to replicate that experience. I hope once my body adjusts and I maintain some consistency doing the things that make me feel good, like I’m operating at peak performance for a stretch of time, that I’ll also get more work done, too. Lately I’ve mostly been revelling in accepting the knowledge that on any given day I cannot do everything. Today I’ve felt wiped out, I think because of the exercise and my body just trying to catch up with itself and recover from a (relatively mild) migraine on Tuesday. Seriously, I pooped three times today – my body is working on some important business.

In the next week or two I’m going to continue working on adjusting other parts of my day and priorities based on the foundation of having amazing mornings, and by spring should be in some good habits and good shape!

Tomorrow Delia’s going to be in front of me and the camera wearing a kinky bodystocking for a Valentine shoot so I know I am going to accomplish at least two awesome things on Friday: having an amazing morning and shooting some hot porn!

Nico is getting senile. We think her vision and hearing have both become impaired. The good part is she seems in good spirits most of the time. I guess it’s both fortunate and unfortunate that she wants to go in and out of the house about fifty times a day and has taken to WHINING and barking madly if we don’t comply with these requests. You think fifty is an exaggeration? Okay, at least twenty-five times a day. AT LEAST. It’s insane.

Sometimes I do lose my patience with her and feel so frustrated not knowing if it’s our fault for giving in to her or if she has genuine need (or perceived need) to go outside so often. This morning after she woke Delia up WAY too early to let her out and back in she then ate and pooped on the floor. She never does that (poops inside). I think she’s just totally confused and can’t get comfortable so she paces around. Then when she goes outside her rope gets hung up on rocks or stiff tufts of grass and for some reason she can’t pull free of those tiny hangups anymore and just starts going apeshit for  us to come out and rescue her.

Lately she can’t find the doors she wants and we’ll see her in the bedroom waiting at the closet door or the bathroom door (this makes no sense). Last night she was stumbling around in the dark doing god only knows what. This makes me wonder if it’s not really a vision problem, but something else; if it were her vision, wouldn’t she still have the layout of the house memorized?

So I asked Delia, “do dogs get Alzheimer’s?”

Delia’s response: “no, but they do get Barkinson’s.”

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In other mundane, un-sexy news of real life, we had to take one of our beater cars to the shop today. It is going to cost over $900 to fix it. We can’t afford it, but the main reason I felt compelled to go ahead with the repairs is that we’ve been really lucky with our vehicles for the past couple of years (aside from getting pulled over for having a stolen car, but that’s a totally different story) so I felt like it was time to pay tribute to the gods of car or whatever. We got this car for free and it should continue running reliably after this so . . . yeah. Goodbye, thousand dollars. Or rather, “hello, maxed out credit card that I was trying to clear room on to pay taxes”.

I also found out my mom went to the hospital last night. She’s (relatively) fine — it was an anxiety attack. One of those things we know is a serious problem for her but that she is in denial about. The only treatment she’s ever had for it was years ago when her way of describing the problem was that she had trouble sleeping. So our pill-happy family doc/gp prescribed her Xanax. Which she became addicted to.

Fortunately she kicked that addiction all on her own. Unfortunately, she has never talked much about that and never did anything else that I know of to deal with her problems that she doesn’t really acknowledge. It’s not that my mom is reluctant to talk, or to talk about problems, but getting to the root of matters and deciding to make really important changes that start with herself? Not so much. Instead she’ll be like, “if I could just catch my breath for a couple of days and get that goddamned garage cleaned out it would help so much!”

How do you get a woman to realize that her problems go ever so much deeper than A FUCKING GARAGE? You can try, but it’s extremely ineffective.

So last night at the hospital she was prescribed Ativan. An anti-anxiety med that’s even MORE addictive than Xanax! And the doctor flat-out lied to her about what it was. He said it was a muscle relaxer she should take when she’s feeling dizzy.

Someone tell me again why pot and prostitution are illegal. I think someone misfiled RATIONAL THOUGHT in this country.

Anyway, I have a billion related and unrelated thoughts on this stuff and life in general and my direction in life and wants and desires and loves and blessings, small and large, and ways I’ve been ministered to online and off in beautiful ways and inspirations and insecurities and religion and porn and coming out and staying in and spycam projects and activism and writing and music and dancing BUT there are so many awesome books and six feet of girlfriend to go to bed with that I’ll leave it at that.

I’m so excited that the days are starting to get longer even though it’s still the middle of winter. At least we’re over the hump!

After going years and years without getting a cold, I finally came down with one. Delia had it first and I thought I was going to make it unscathed so I could keep bragging about how I’m super-immune, but alas, not this time. My head is all stuffed up and achey, ears plugged, throat sore and dry, nose chapped & plugged then alternately running . . . and weirdly, I’m kind of enjoying it. It gives me bodywide memories without a lot of pictures of years past, like the feeling of being a kid home from school with grandma bringing me chicken noodle soup in bed. Of having stacks of library books filled with exciting stories and every single one of them new and nothing cliche. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m pretty sure these feelings are of freedom and excitement or enthusiasm for the future, that whole “ignorance is bliss” sensation of being a kid. Not that being a kid was BLISS for me (I wouldn’t relive my childhood or teenage years for a million dollars), but there were elemental emotions that are hard to experience as an adult. Somehow having a head cold is giving me tastes of them.

We also got rid of DirecTV / our DVR. We’re about a year overdue for that cancellation and after just a few days I already feel more in-the-moment. We’re going back to our method of just Netflixing stuff we want to see. It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes just not having to fast forward through the commercials; I get so much more relaxed so much more quickly that I don’t feel like watching much. And not constantly worrying that the DVR only has 18% space left and we’re going to MISS something or something will be ERASED . . . what craziness.

Since I know you’ll ask: I continue to resist watching tv via the internet (ex. hulu) for a number of reasons, partly because we don’t have a good interface between our pc’s and our tv (and there is no way I’m going to sit at a computer and watch “tv” — I spend enough hours at the computer for work). Also, most of our bandwidth is eaten up by our 24/7 spycams and all of the work-oriented uploading we have to do. We bought one episode of Gossip Girl on itunes and couldn’t get the pc-to-tv connection to work right, had to waste that time downloading, etc. It just wasn’t relaxing and felt like MORE WORK.

Also, I really need to stay away from ads. All of the stuff competing for my attention on the internet literally saps my brain’s strength. And any food advertisements? Those fuck me up so bad – I have no willpower over burger commercials late at night. It’s like a switch is flipped inside me and I have to eat SOMETHING . . . ANYTHING when the television or any kind of monitor presents me with suggestive and colorful mouth-watering food pictures.

So yeah . . . I pretty much spent today in bed with my cold and my period. My members-only update is going to be late (I was hoping we might shoot a stuffed-up-and-sneezing blowjob video, but I’m not sure if we can pull that off . . . I’ll see how my symptoms progress tomorrow; I know some of you are going to be like, “WTF?? Why would I want to see THAT?”, but that kind of stuff is fetish gold AND it makes me horny).

I know I can’t make a living taking pictures of clouds, but I love using the camera to actively immerse myself in their details:

From our backyard: 4:17 pm

I’m failing miserably at eating healthy and haven’t exercised at all in a week. Winter is full of vicious little circles.

Snowy Olympics barely visible under/through clouds.

There are two really important (to me) emails I have to write to two people who basically offered to answer my prayers, or minor parts of them at least. It’s like a genie popping out of a lamp and me wracking my mind to come up with the proper wording for the wishes so they don’t backfire on me or I don’t regret asking for this when I really should have asked for that. When it boils down to it, I am not all that smart . . . EXACTLY like the fools in fairy tales who ask for never-ending strings of sausages to eat and then explode or whatever. Anyway, one of them is two months overdue, and the other about two weeks. The former is literally costing us $150 a month while I sit on my hands being a perfectionist and moron.

Clouds thirty minutes later.

If I do the correct thing (or one of a list of many correct things) after I post this, I will be on the anywhere cam stretching for about an hour.  And my next post here will be muuuuuuuuuuch happier!

While walking, December 23rd, 2009

We walked downtown to our favorite sandwich and coffee joint. Delia finished her lunch and groaned about how over-full she was.

“Foundered?” I asked her.

“What?”

“Are you foundered?”

“Founded? Floundered? WHAT?”

“No, FOUNDERED! Are you FOUNDERED!”

She looked even more confused when she answered, “no . . . I’m totally LOSTered”.

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We’ve been together more than seven years. Over this most recent one, her body has become new to her and to us. There are so many things you can’t see or feel by looking at pictures. Changes only I’m privy to.  When I place my hand over hers, it’s so soft. Her arms are so soft.  Her mouth is so yielding. Her face is so soft and looks so different to me. In ways you might not notice if you haven’t been lying in bed with her every night for seven years. Luminous, radiant, serene . . . heart-meltingly beautiful.

She reminds me of divinity. White whipped waves of sweet solid froth that looks substantial until you hold it in your mouth and it’s a mass of a million tiny soft pockets of air you absorb so fast. You’re eating sweet air given just enough of a slight temporary body to inform you you’re privileged to devour the form of an angel. Her tongue is like that. The way you melt into your girlfriend’s body. The way you melt into togetherness and your mouth is full of nothing but sweet. The edges are just a frame for softness. I like to hold her in my mouth, close my eyes, and let her dissolve into my bloodstream.

There are recipes for this. Special chemistries that rely on the temperature and the weight and the wetness of the air plus a perfect balance of ingredients. It’s a very delicate process, and only certain ladies have the gift to create bodies of divinity. My girlfriend is one of them. It’s art, inheritance, science . . . and a gift gods only bestow on a few.

While she was cooking I kissed her on the ankle.

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We saw Santa on a motorcycle at a stoplight. I whooped and he waved. We waved.

A few blocks later we passed a playground with a dozen kids telling us, telling each other, telling their parents, telling everyone:

THE REAL SANTA!! I saw the real Santa! The REAL Santa on a motorcycle!! I saw him! It was the real Santa! Did you see Santa? I SAW SANTA!

They celebrated with shock and awe and hysterical thanksgiving this fleeting glimpse of a man in a red suit riding by on a black and chrome motorcycle.  THE REAL SANTA!! Little evangelical Santa believers, riled up with faith revived.

It was fucking beautiful.

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On Christmas Eve we had pizza slices for a big snack. I couldn’t stop kissing her mouth, our lips slick with orange-colored oil. Looking at her mouth and wanting to press my smile into hers. I took a picture of her and sent it when a song came on the radio. I asked her and all of the pizza boys how to spell Skynyrd. Nobody knew for sure but it was a good conversation. Hot open ovens in front of us, cold open door at our backs. Two women kissing each other and three young men spelling S-K-I-N-Y-R-D . . . no, S-K-Y-N-I-R-D . . . wait a second . . . S-K-Y-N-A-R-D.

Pizza time with Delia on Christmas Eve

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This is our seventh Christmas together. About six months ago I developed a new fear when I recognized that I wouldn’t know how to live without her. That I’ve forgotten how. Sometimes when I put my hand over her soft hand my chin starts to wobble because of how much that idea scares me.

Our Seventh Christmas Eve Together

I’m experimenting with thinking of my higher power as PLEASURE. Not necessarily (in fact RARELY) sexual pleasure, but more sensual pleasures . . . looking around and noticing what looks or sounds beautiful and what would feel good to touch . . . what DOES feel good to touch. And noticing what I’m doing, assessing it, and choosing to do something more pleasurable if what I’m doing isn’t important and also is NOT pleasurable.

I came home from a meeting today where my period started and I was reminded of this experiment and what I need to practice, and sat down at my computer with a warm, wet bloody mess in my panties having already sort of forgotten all of that when a strange sensation came over my entire mind and body. It felt like I’d been meditating and my body was deeply relaxed, but it was totally spontaneous; all of a sudden my body was filled up, like I was a thick balloon and was filled up with warm, fat air, ready to rise and float heavily just inches above where I sat.

The sensation didn’t last long, but it was fucking awesome. I don’t know if it had something to do with my period or frame of mind or what.

Maybe I have a brain tumor; the doctor wanted me to go for a scan but I think she has her head straight up her ass. I do not have a brain tumor – it’s amazing that the same doctor who thinks it makes sense to only test one aspect of thyroid function (dismissing the usefulness of adding less than fifty dollars worth of additional tests) wants me to get a scan that costs thousands of dollars when I complained of having a bad taste in my mouth (which has since gone away). Well, and headaches and stuff, too. But WHATEVER.

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This whole blog-on-the-front-page-of-my-porn-site thing is totally NOT working out in terms of making sales. I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I have ideas and know a million ways to address the problem(s), but I don’t have time for that (and it’s not going to work to move it back to tastytrixie.com/blog). I’m also getting really burned out on multitasking and just the general way that my job(s) work, which involve so much starting and stopping and pausing and waiting and switching gears and redoing shit. There’s a lot of repetition and no continuity. I just want to immerse myself in doing ONE THING with ONE TOOL for a couple of weeks REGULARLY and not have to fuck with all this other bullshit. The dual nature of internet work demanding immediacy (and foisting it upon you in the form of a billion interruptions) combined with so much LAGGING — slow connections, clicks-and-waits repeated over and over . . . REFRESHING; it’s taking a toll on my happiness. I’m also tired of spending so much time trying to market our sites. It has to be done, but it’s not what I want to do, at least not to the extent that I need to do it. We’ve been wearing too many hats for too many years and I’m really weary of it. My work could be so pleasurable if it wasn’t the work of seven people.

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So there you have it illustrated . . . there’s just no way my blog can be MY blog and also make people with semi-hards just hitting it for the first time turn into actual paying customers. The blog is a wilter of stiff cocks (or a very SLOW builder of erections). It’s a very rare bird who’s going to **NEED** to JOIN RIGHT NOW after hitting an entry like this one or this picture with me sprouting antlers and belly rolls, no matter how charming and beautiful I think that pic is.

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NOTE: I am NOT sharing these thoughts and feelings in search of advice, so please don’t interpret it that way.