TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘mundane’ Category

I’m experimenting with thinking of my higher power as PLEASURE. Not necessarily (in fact RARELY) sexual pleasure, but more sensual pleasures . . . looking around and noticing what looks or sounds beautiful and what would feel good to touch . . . what DOES feel good to touch. And noticing what I’m doing, assessing it, and choosing to do something more pleasurable if what I’m doing isn’t important and also is NOT pleasurable.

I came home from a meeting today where my period started and I was reminded of this experiment and what I need to practice, and sat down at my computer with a warm, wet bloody mess in my panties having already sort of forgotten all of that when a strange sensation came over my entire mind and body. It felt like I’d been meditating and my body was deeply relaxed, but it was totally spontaneous; all of a sudden my body was filled up, like I was a thick balloon and was filled up with warm, fat air, ready to rise and float heavily just inches above where I sat.

The sensation didn’t last long, but it was fucking awesome. I don’t know if it had something to do with my period or frame of mind or what.

Maybe I have a brain tumor; the doctor wanted me to go for a scan but I think she has her head straight up her ass. I do not have a brain tumor – it’s amazing that the same doctor who thinks it makes sense to only test one aspect of thyroid function (dismissing the usefulness of adding less than fifty dollars worth of additional tests) wants me to get a scan that costs thousands of dollars when I complained of having a bad taste in my mouth (which has since gone away). Well, and headaches and stuff, too. But WHATEVER.

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This whole blog-on-the-front-page-of-my-porn-site thing is totally NOT working out in terms of making sales. I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I have ideas and know a million ways to address the problem(s), but I don’t have time for that (and it’s not going to work to move it back to tastytrixie.com/blog). I’m also getting really burned out on multitasking and just the general way that my job(s) work, which involve so much starting and stopping and pausing and waiting and switching gears and redoing shit. There’s a lot of repetition and no continuity. I just want to immerse myself in doing ONE THING with ONE TOOL for a couple of weeks REGULARLY and not have to fuck with all this other bullshit. The dual nature of internet work demanding immediacy (and foisting it upon you in the form of a billion interruptions) combined with so much LAGGING — slow connections, clicks-and-waits repeated over and over . . . REFRESHING; it’s taking a toll on my happiness. I’m also tired of spending so much time trying to market our sites. It has to be done, but it’s not what I want to do, at least not to the extent that I need to do it. We’ve been wearing too many hats for too many years and I’m really weary of it. My work could be so pleasurable if it wasn’t the work of seven people.

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So there you have it illustrated . . . there’s just no way my blog can be MY blog and also make people with semi-hards just hitting it for the first time turn into actual paying customers. The blog is a wilter of stiff cocks (or a very SLOW builder of erections). It’s a very rare bird who’s going to **NEED** to JOIN RIGHT NOW after hitting an entry like this one or this picture with me sprouting antlers and belly rolls, no matter how charming and beautiful I think that pic is.

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NOTE: I am NOT sharing these thoughts and feelings in search of advice, so please don’t interpret it that way.

Getting ready to do webcam shows tonight. Feet cold. Not sure how I feel about LED lights on the tree.

Posted something scary (to me) that happened a couple of nights ago, but I password-protected it because I don’t want it spidered by search engines.

Click to read “Record Lows”. Password = ParanoidScreams

Christmas Cactus & Others

I want to get lots of things done before 2010 arrives but will probably only be able to manage a couple of them, the most important one being to get ahead on shooting pictures for  our sites. I’d hoped we’d be where we need to be BEFORE this month, but still . . . we’re doing a good job all things considered. Mainly considering that we are only two people and it’s kind of unrealistically bizarre we’ve been doing as much as we have with only two people for seven years. When I hear the number of people other porn companies have working for them I GET REALLY FUCKING JEALOUS. And I also have to just accept that of all the things I want to do, should do, and even NEED to do, I am only ABLE to do a relatively small percentage of them, particularly if I want to maintain any semblance of sanity.

I’d also love to start the year off in better shape: maybe five pounds lighter, a little tighter, and with fewer inches around my middle. I was doing pretty good, but after days of consistent exercise followed by shooting, my muscles are rigid and unhappily torqued with my neck squeezing yuck up to my brain threatening headaches. I should have a standing massage appointment at least once a week to keep my body functioning but unfortunately I can’t afford it so it’s been over a month and I don’t feel so great; my body is annoyed with what I make it do without any assistance or pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure, I started writing an extremely dirty story yesterday, the kind I’m not sure I’ll be able to share, and it made me so insanely excited that I demanded a quickie. I think it’s awesome that I’m able to get worked up, barge in on Delia and tell her, “I’m brushing my teeth — meet me in the bedroom — we need to do it.” AND SHE COMPLIES.

Back in 2001 there were more teasey story-porn pictorials around; I loved them for the buildup and wish we had time to make all (or a lot) of our porn like that.

Here are a couple of 2009 examples from a couple of my favorite web chicks:

Sequoia Redd with Brandi Belle in the Penis Pump Challenge

Poor Cinderella

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I’d *love* to do a brain dump here of all the blog-drafts in my head, but I’m starving and trying hard to stop feeling guilty and worried about mistake(s) I/we made. I feel like we don’t have enough time or money to do anything RIGHT, but the truth is we do a lot of things right and fucking up every so often and doing some things half-assed a lot shouldn’t erase all of that. Plus I need to stop kidding myself that perfection is attainable with time and money. It’s not. It never will be. We could have all the time and hired help and money in the world and we’d STILL make mistakes. In fact, we’d probably have the resources to make even more of them with more embarrassing consequences.

Reminding myself: progress, not perfection. Promptly admit when I am wrong. Make amends. Use my own mistakes as a reminder not to judge other people so harshly.

I wish I had time to write an abundantly juicy Thanksgiving post, but instead I’m just plopping down a quickie to say all is well, hope it is with everyone else AND we’re taking Thanksgiving day off for ourselves. We’re so serious about it that instead of downloading all the juicy photos we recently shot, I put the camera away so we won’t be tempted to sit at our computers tomorrow editing photos and ogling ourselves.

Friday and Saturday we have webcam shows and members-only chat scheduled. I’m doing three shows, Delia’s doing two and our member chat is Saturday. Members go here for the exact schedule and to gain entrance to our shows. If you’re not already a member you have to JOIN to access those pages.

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Our dog should write a bestselling book for canines entitled, “How to Drive Your So-Called ‘Masters’ Fucking Batshit in Thirty Days”. I am very thankful for her and her renewed vim and vigor due in part to the Prednisone she was on, but I think she has a touch of roid rage. Very ear-piercingly yippy these days.

Anyhoo, Delia’s making a meatloaf tomorrow and I’m VERY excited about that and glad we did the family thing early so we can enjoy cuddling each other smothered in gravy all day long.

Note: the “thanks for nothing” title of this post refers to the nothing I’m offering in this short post, not the nothing I’ve been given which is more than nothing, it’s lots of somethings, which I’m eternally thankful for.

I hope no one is worrying that I’m still down-in-the-dumps and that’s why I haven’t posted since that last gloomy entry . . . I actually felt immediately better that night and my mood continued to improve when AmberLily and BigD got here the next day. It was nice to have Delia and AmberLily doing all of the work while BigD and I sat on the couch and in bed chatting and watching tv. It sucks we don’t all get to spend more time together.

On Sunday we had an early Thanksgiving with my family which included attempting to come out to my 90 year old grandma and explain that Delia is the same person she met before as Tucker. A story like that sounds like perfect blog fodder, but it was pretty anticlimactic after all of the drama leading up to it. I can’t even remember what I said or what she said: something like, “oh! well, nice to meet you . . . people do all kinds of things these days I guess” then to me, “it sure is nice  you have someone to go with you to the movies and on the ferry and things.” The woman is on so much vicodin for her arthritis and muscle spasms it’s hard to tell what she grasped, especially since she was totally blindsided by it since my mom pussied out on prepping her AT ALL. I think she was just happy to see me even if I appear to her to be some sort of a lesbian now. The woman has more pressing concerns managing her prolapsed vagina whenever she goes pee to give much consideration to my transsexual girlfriend (a term I don’t think really sunk in for her).

Between that excursion and a long trip yesterday for shopping-for-shoot-stuff and laser appointment, I’ve filled my quota for driving and ferry-riding/waiting and waiting for the bridge to open and being exposed to cat hair and flourescent lights and other things that run down people of My Delicate Constitution. Today I badly needed to shut myself up in the bedroom to read, snack, and watch bad television, blocking out all outside noises and people and light SO THAT’S WHAT I DID mostly. It annoys me how guilty I feel about doing things like that (and annoys other people because I constantly feel like I have to defend myself) especially when I realize most people with normal jobs have today OFF so maybe it’s okay if I do too (minus immediately dealing with computer/cam issues upon waking and doing a few minor tasks).

I feel like I should say something meaningful about Veterans Day or at least acknowledge that today is more than a “holiday” where I get to feel a-okay about being a lazy ass, but in a way that might be the best way I could have recognized the day this year by immersing myself in Americana like watching The People’s Court while eating skittles in bed and cracking open nuts at a frantic, OCD pace with my eyes glued to the boob tube. I hate the way the word “hero” is bandied about to describe every Tom, Dick and Harry who ever donned a fucking uniform but that’s not to say I don’t respect the enormity of their jobs and the huge consequences of doing them. I think the contemporary knee-jerk hero worship allows people to skim over veterans’ and their families’ losses and scars in the most superficial of ways that can’t even begin to address the lifelong damage and costs so many MANY people keep paying every day for the rest of their lives.

Since people are already playing Christmas music, here’s a quote and directive from one of my dad’s (a Korean war veteran) favorite Christmas songs:

Pray for peace, people. EVERYWHERE.

We’ve been working on a new site, TrixieAndFriends.com. Sounds pretty exciting, right? Like maybe it’s all about me sexing up my buddies? But actually, it’s not. It’s much more practical and mundane than that.

TrixieAndFriends.com is mostly just a preview blog showing our most recent updates (and eventually a categorized, searchable catalog of all of our porn going back to when each of our sites opened so that members can find what they want; THAT is going to take weeks/months of data entry to compile). No one will actually be able to JOIN TrixieAndFriends.com, instead it links to each of the sites in our network so people still have to pick who they want to support, but AmberLily and Delia and some of our members are keen to have a members-only forum/bulletin board so we WILL have a protected area on the site for that.

We’ve been using the members-only area of SpyOnUs for members to go to and see network-wide updates, but it was clunky and not very inclusive — DEFINITELY not searchable, so TrixieAndFriends.com is replacing & greatly improving what we were doing there (we also need to totally revamp SpyOnUs.com to make it strictly about voyeurism, our behind-the-scenes stuff, and of course our SPYCAMS). If any of you techy people are wondering why we don’t have a CMS to do all of this for us, the main reason is that each of the sites in our network is unique and independently owned/operated; we have no desire to standardize everything or force everyone to use one of the limited and difficult scripts on the market.

I feel self-conscious and narcissistic about buying and using the domain, TrixieAndFriends.com, for this (like how I keep saying it over and over? TRIXIE AND FRIENDS DOT COM!!!), but wanted to hurry up and DO IT and couldn’t come up with any brandable, inclusive, open-ended domain that would describe our network and allow for indie sites of any stripe to network with us down the road. Anything with the word “webwhore” in it is off-putting to many and brings to mind the kind of hardcore, stereotyped sites that are pretty much the opposite of what our sites are about (not that I, personally, am ever going to stop calling myself a webwhore, it’s just not a good moniker for everyone). I could come up with a lot of generic and good domain names, but they didn’t feel like anything I thought people would remember and associate with us, though IndiePornPass was one we tossed around, but what if we make sites for tech-incompetent little hotties down the road? What then? It might feel a little deceptive. I suppose, though, that we might network with people who aren’t really great “friends”,  but I think people are used to that term being used loosely (and I *do* love loose friends!).

Speaking of friends (the great kind, not the loosely used), it’s AmberLily’s birthday! One of the things people don’t seem to notice much about AmberLily’s site is that she does assloads of private webcam shows every week, practically every DAY, and those shows are archived in both streaming video and snapshot formats so her site is basically updated every day with a really wide variety of role plays, masturbation, and hot little outfits and fetish attire like pantyhose, gloves, bodystockings, schoolgirl skirts, shiny satin panties, etc. Whenever porn review sites look at her site this fact is rarely mentioned or, if it is, is given very short shrift. It pretty much happens to all webcam content. Instead of being highly valued the way it SHOULD be, reviewers are so unused to seeing it that they don’t get it and just focus on what they’re used to: generic photos and videos. They don’t understand that webcam grabs ARE jerkworthy even though they aren’t HD. It’s frustrating, to put it mildly.

Anyway, my hope is that at least OUR members will see and appreciate (in that very special way they have) how consistently hard AmberLily works and the range of her special offerings. Before announcing TrixieAndFriends I wanted to have all of our October updates catalogued there, but we’re only maybe halfway through representing the days AmberLily has added archived shows. Still, I think it’s already apparent what she’s doing, even if few people really have a clue how much she puts into it, especially considering the heavy burdens and gigantic stressors she and her hubby have been thrown this year.  She’s not the type to complain or let on when the chips are down and she’s under so much pressure that a normal person would just be curled in a ball in bed with a variety of prescription-strength sedatives so I don’t think most of her fans REALIZE. Also, I don’t think she really WANTS to hash over that stuff — she wants to do a good job on cam for her customers and let her mind be taken off all of that bullshit.

Point is, it’s her birthday, I hope it’s a great one for her and that she is rewarded for all of her hard work (and hotness). The week already started out in tears for her when their favorite cat and beloved pet of many years succombed to cancer, so . . .  yeah. If I could, I would shower her with a trip to Disneyland, piles of Star Wars toys, and as many hugs as she could tolerate.

The past week was filled with concentrated efforts on the mundane things in life, namely preparing and filing our very-late taxes, making a long trek to suburban mall-land for Delia’s laser hair removal appointment (which didn’t happen because they mysteriously stopped doing laser and, also mysteriously, disappeared Delia’s appointment right off their computer) and shoot-shopping, cleaning house in a big way for our landlords to visit, and just trying to stay on top of our usual load of tasks to keep things going.

Last night it started raining. HARD. Our first big rain of the season. In no time at all we heard drips in our bathroom; there’s a vent in the ceiling where water always leaks when the wood is dry/not swelled up. Usually it doesn’t leak much and stops once the wood around the opening swells back up to seal the cracks, but it was still raining like a son-of-a-bitch AND leaking like a sieve this morning when we woke to our alarm set early (for us, or most people on a Saturday morning). Delia climbed up into the attic to fix it and did some other stuff so by the time the owners got here all was remedied. I know, most renters would think of this as perfect timing, for the owners to see a problem and get someone else to come over and fix it, but for us? Working at home? With porn and webcams and stuff? I do not want the interruptions and invasion of privacy. It is bad enough knowing they have friends that they send to drive by the house to spy on its condition. Of course, if I were a landlord, I’d do the same thing, but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy being on the receiving end of it. As it is, they want to make some (understandable, and nice for us) fixes to some things, but I feel totally stressed out about the idea of strangers being in our space when we totally cannot afford the intrusion, especially since it’s impossible for me to use that time to relax. Jesus, I’m about to give myself a panic attack right now just thinking about some handyman coming over on his own schedule, doing shit piece by piece, never knowing when he’ll arrive or leave, not being able to schedule shoots or shows . . . yes, I feel very pessimistic about it.

Anyway, the rest of today I tried to stay awake and just enjoyed our fresher, tidier house. I finished a couple of books (the Lauren Bacall autobiography and the first Trixie Belden book), stared vacantly at nothing and stayed warm. We also watched television (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Dollhouse, Jeopardy) and stretched in our very dimly lit parlor listening to new age music with the stars shining bright outside (yes, it finally it stopped raining). I keep getting many-days-long headaches because my shoulders are so bunched up and my neck so stiff.

So. Our shows that we *were* going to do Friday and today are happening tomorrow (Sunday) and Monday. Members: you should go here for our schedule & group shows, and here for our spycams and members-only chat session.

I took the last pill in my birth control pack on Tuesday so I’m not sure why my period hasn’t started yet, but it won’t be a big shock if it happens around showtime.

A few awesome things I’ve done/felt today:

*walked through a quiet art gallery and had time to stroke an inlaid wood table decorated with shiny, randomly-inset little nailheads of different sizes and metals.

*bought some favorite usually-overpriced tomatillo salsa on sale which I’m eating right now. Thick green stews and salsas always feel like delicious magical potions to me.

*enjoyed Delia’s preview of some of the pics I shot of her recently for her Fall Flower Fairy gallery.

*woke up without a headache after having one for five solid days (don’t feel sorry for me; I made some bad choices with food, how I mishandled stress, and delayed getting my B vitamin shots).

*bought myself little foil star stickers. To reward myself for finishing items on my to-do lists. This is not as childish as it may sound, and I really love shiny little stars in red, blue, silver, green and gold.

*had two awesome poops

*am wearing my octopus necklace, handcrafted by a local artisan

*scoped out / walked through a really cool coffee shop. Even though I’m not a coffee shop kind of gal, I love knowing there’s one I might actually enjoy sitting in if I ever decide I want to. The kind where there’s plenty of space between plenty of armchairs and darkness and both good coffee-n-pastry aromas plus dank book smells. The kind where, I hope, no one would talk to me. Of course, that desire for solitude didn’t deter me from fantasizing VIVIDLY about seeing a hairy man I fancy and wordlessly tangling into each other and fucking in one of the fairy-lit corridors there.

*survived and almost enjoyed capturing & editing my masturbation video that I’ll post for members tonight: tidied and put away a multitude of things while each of four files were encoded. Enjoyed afore-mentioned tidying.

*Fondled silky lingerie in a little independent shop downtown.

*Picked out striking, large, dramatic pieces of jewelry I’d buy for Delia if I had money to.

*Looked in two shops for crock pots. Neither place had one.

*Didn’t really waste as much time as  you think doing all of these things because I was alone, undisturbed, and easily able to soak up and get my fill of each stimulating little experience.

The best part is I think we might fuck tonight. IT’S BEEN WAY TOO LONG. I need to write a little something about how much of our lives revolve around cum-rationing. And how someday we’ll fuck hairy men in fairy-lit corridors and never want for extra cum again.