Late-winter sunshine on my shoulder
I feel happy and so glad for the sunshine, and to be able to be naked under it in our backyard.
I feel happy to be alone wrapped in quiet solitary warmth.
I feel hopeful that eventually I will happily stop trying to be more normal and just accept that I can’t be and celebrate that I’m not.
I took a dusky walk alone.
I might have seen a biggish animal with tan fur in the hollow of a fallen tree. When it’s almost dark and you’re looking into the bottom of a rotten tree stump and see something LIGHT it kind of stands out. So I crept away with needless caution . . . if it were an animal it had already heard me and decided to hide from my noisy human ass.
This is light because I used the flash . . . I think that long gleaming strand is some spiderweb, not my hair:
And then I definitely saw an owl.
There was a big moon rising on my way home from Seattle. Heading to pick up ToRn while Toni did errands. A ferry ride and a sorta long atmospheric drive with good music.
I got to check out their home-on-wheels (cozy – part of me is jealous of their lifestyle) and chat with her a little bit before driving off with her husband, which is something most people would find kind of funny. And it IS kind of funny and something that I don’t think her or I is altogether used to experiencing yet. But it’s sweet and super normal in some ways, too.
So he and I turned on some flames and took off our clothes and fucked for a couple of hours, then she came to pick him up but I ruined the entrance he’d choreographed by forgetting that I’d locked the front door. So I’m on all fours and he’s behind me with his dick inside me and she’s knocking and we’re yelling COME IN! COME IN!!! but I had to pull myself off of his dick and get up to open the door, and then it seemed kind of awkward.
Some people say everything happens for a reason.
Oddly enough I don’t think she’s even seen me naked in person, which is hilarious since we met via social networking for our amateur porn sites over a decade ago. So I think I was all naked and she was all dressed and I just . . . tried to make her feel more comfortable (the threesome possibilities had been discussed before as well as her desire to watch). Starting with asking if I could kiss her. And people . . . I’m sorry, but consent is way fucking trickier than we all want it to be in a perfect world. Honestly I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to . . . and I asked her different ways, checking in in different ways. Intuition DOES count for something though. And experience. And empathy. And people don’t always want you badgering them to promise that they like what you’re doing, they just want to know they can say no when/if it becomes clear and you’ll respect it. Sometimes we aren’t sure if we’re going to like something but we still want to try. But not have to initiate it. I think she said she didn’t want to think . . . she just wanted to go with the flow. So sometimes you just resign yourself to the fact that someone’s probably just LETTING you kiss them, and in so doing they might come to like it . . . OR be totally repelled and push you away. You just hope you’re a good enough kisser to make their racing thoughts slow down. Fortunately for me there are also drugs to help that. And I know the feeling of not exactly being in the mood BUT WANTING A FUCKER TO *GET* ME IN THE MOOD.
So things warmed up a little and I excused myself for a few minutes. When I came back husband AND wife were naked, kissing in front of the fire. I got behind her and pressed my naked body against her naked backside and got my own massive exquisite rush of pure natural delicious human drugs like oxytocin.
Her body is INCREDIBLE – getting to touch her and press myself against her and explore all of her made me both euphoric and sedated. Her body is fucking OPULENT. And getting to reach around and grapple with her big natural boobs? OH MY GOD I BECAME A TEENAGER. Like, WOW!
AND WHAT FOLLOWED WAS HOURS AND HOURS OF FUN DREAMY SEX.
It’s weird how being forty-ish feels and looks so grown-up and so YOUNG at the same time. It was like being twelve and spending the night at a friend’s house . . . and spying on the friend’s parents getting it on with your mom. Only I was my own imaginary mom AND myself spying on it all. Does that make sense? It was pretty awesome. My favorite thing about threesomes is probably just getting to watch, reaching out and touching with my eyes AND sticking my hands in to feel what I’m seeing. I also like being able to get snacks during marathon fucks . . . nothing better than eating a snack while you hang out and watch people fuck and suck. But I can assure you that I only ate half a snack all night on Monday, and if you know me at all you’ll recognize this sex must’ve been pretty fucking hot for me to go over eight hours with only half a snack to eat.
I don’t know what all I should divulge here (and honestly it’s nice to keep some elements private; even though people were watching on our lifecams, the light was low so I don’t think a lot of detail was broadcast – plus I should save some stuff for us to share with members 😉 I’m not even saying some of my favorite things. Like the different things she said when she got bossy with me, which was excellent.
A languid moment full of sweet tender yum:
We didn’t plan on this, and DEFINITELY weren’t planning to make porn . . . just a few memories captured of just a few moments. She does inspire me to worship her with a camera, though.
I am lucky to get to experience these things. And I’m going to tell you something . . . you are lucky to get a glimpse of these experiences. We should remember that whenever people share their bodies and intimate, vulnerable moments. Vulnerable because these aren’t things you can stage, and when they are real they aren’t things you can schedule or count on happening in the future and are often rife with confusion (see link below).
Some people have a lot of experience with polyamory. We don’t. And I actually can’t conceive of any relationship I will ever have in my life being something I can approach with expertise. If you ask me how to do it, I’ll pretty much have to shrug my shoulders, warn you not to follow my lead because I continue to make mistakes, and wish you good luck. Bravery, honesty, coping skills and LUCK.
It’s not for everybody, if only because very few people are lucky enough to have the freedom and space (PRIVILEGE) to engage in so many tricky and time-consuming layers of relating to so many people and learning all kinds of scary things about ourselves and each other.
To get a little of her perspective, here’s a post she just made today which is about a lot more than just a threesome.
So I’m in Seattle alone right now focusing on work and health and gobbling up solitude before family Christmas stuff next week. Delia‘s at home. We have moments of missing each other when we’re inhabiting these different space, but they are, as she said on the phone to me tonight, fleeting . . . overshadowed (or easily pushed aside with some effort and feelings of security) by how much we love the alone time to concentrate without interruption or obligation.
You can’t usually get everything you want all at once or the things cancel each other out. I guess. I’m just guessing about all of this. And that’s probably the only other expertise I have; everybody’s just guessing. Nobody is an expert and you should listen to more songs that are about uncertainty and loss and bullshit and love that rhymes instead of trying to figure things out with your head. Music will tell you the truth that you’ll be happy and sad and in and out of love and hot and cold and full of shit and make pretty memories and very rarely get to count on anything. Oh . . . and girls are pretty.
I’m not even sure whether or not I posted my favorite picture here.
Oops! I already had all of my clothes off before I noticed these blinds were still open a little bit:
I’m going to have a bunch of alone-time in our sweet Seattle studio while Delia is shooting in LA: yeah, like real hardcore porn valley stuff with other sexy people!
I’m afraid to say very much about it because I don’t want to jinx anything, and it’s not uncommon for there to be last-minute changes in talent so we’ll see how it goes. We’re very far-removed in many ways from mainstream porn so it’s like stepping into a whole other world; it’s both exciting and nerve-wracking, so wish her luck . . . and let @JaySinVideo know how much you’re looking forward to seeing her scenes!
A little retroactive nudie pic of the day from my most recent picture update from members:
We shot these pictures in August last year, so my body looks a little different from how it looks today:
Delia spotted this shack on our hours-long walk today. We know we should probably stay away from huts in the woods surrounded by chemically-scented buckets, but for the sake of a nudie pic we couldn’t resist:
And this wasn’t even the part where we were semi-obviously trespassing!!
Actually, it’s really difficult around these parts to know when you’re trespassing or not; we thought we were hooked back up on public trails, but may have actually been wandering around on people’s private drives trying to head in the general direction back to home.
We found a huge maple tree we want to remember to go back to in the fall to shoot under. We saw dead critters. The best part was the sound of all of the birds, including a pair of frisky red-tailed hawks.
Past the amorous hawks the sound of frogs got louder and louder and louder, then we were on a path made by a bulldozer leading to a junked stroller, mattress and box springs, and truck and trailer. I was already nervous before we rounded the corner coming suddenly upon a house with a big black dog immediately getting up off the porch as soon as we appeared. While we tried to walk past as it ran down to us barking its head off, a voice from the other side of the house asked us just what the hell we thought we were doing there.
He had a big huge silver beard but he was not Santa. He accused us of flouting many closed gates, barbed wire and electric fencing (but but but we DIDN’T!) and would not let us take the direct route back home past his house. I PREFER that you go back the way you came. Maybe then you’ll remember all that barbed wire you seem to’ve forgot about.
The dog kept barking as Delia kept apologizing and I pointed, “but but but we live just over there!”
I SAID I PREFER you to go back THE WAY YOU CAME.
So anyway, we had to walk by the dog again and I’m afraid of dogs and we couldn’t really go back exactly the way we came but it all made for a very invigorating walk.
I totally want to be that guy someday.
Backtracking and looping way the hell around this guy’s big chunk of property required passing through what felt like three different countries, seasons, ecosystems and political camps. Everyone out in their yards because it’s the second day of sunshine in a row and we’re all using yard and garden tools to power out winter. I mowed the lawn yesterday and even without the low-hanging still-winter sunshine, it does look more like a picture of summer.
When we were almost home a really friendly, docile, big red dog came out to greet us and I almost crumbled with fear. So anyway, that’s why I’m proud of being bold enough to follow Delia off-trail today. Because I’m really scared of dogs and there are dogs at lots of people’s houses in the woods. And some of them might eat up your brains if the owner don’t shoot you first.