Dancing at Sunrise

My wake-up dance-around music-for-sunrise today >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Maybe an album called “Moonbathing on Sleeping Leaves” isn’t thematically appropriate for rise-n-shine time, but I think Sky Cries Mary is perfect for most ANY magical time.

Delia and I are working on crafting a home with lots of open space — indoors and OUT — for dancing. Rolling around on the ground, jumping … RUNNING.

Stomping shaking flying leaping stretching reaching singing … hanging upside-down.

It’s more important to us than couches or bedframes or chairs. OR CLOTHES.

I don’t want to start my day reading scary news before I’ve even had breakfast, or checking email or anything else where what somebody else wants or thinks sets the tone and overshadows my own priorities.

I want to start out my day by dancing (or fucking), waking up my body by moving it.

What’s your favorite way to start your day?

I’d love to hear what your morning rituals are, if you have any … or what they would include and feel like ideally.

Top 16 of 2016

Sixteen of my favorite and/or most important experiences from 2016:

  1. Started the year with an every-morning (for two weeks) dance experience
  2. Hired Lightning Allie to come over for a day-long project
    • exquisitely important-feeling to me because of how it felt to make her food & coffee, and how she responded to it
  3. Celebrated Valentine’s Day with Delia by taking a day-long couple’s yoga class
  4. Attended a 5-session relationship skills class
    • because I *don’t*have great relationships skills, and want to be better in my relationships
  5. My favorite guy moved far away
    • I spent more time with him in ’15 + ’16 than anybody but Delia since the year 200020170102_104731-1-commit30
  6. Went carless … and got a (mountain) bike!
    • and my body has never hurt more in my life
  7. Grandma died
    • harder for me because of sad family roles, fears and conflicts than actual death of Grandma
  8. Started taking Lithium Orotate
  9. Created & began using my own 24-hour schedule
  10. Renewed our Seattle apartment lease
    • while it sucks in some ways to be separated from my wife for extended periods of time, we’re learning a lot from it and how we want to craft our lives and work. I’m still learning
      • to let go of shame over needing and loving the vast majority) of time alone
      • how to take time off of work / not try to exploit everything for work
        • now when we spend time together the majority of it is TIME OFF, not working (this is still harder to commit to than it probably should be, but IT’S AWESOME and we’ve done a lot more special things … like 3 and 14 and lots in between
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          That’s supposed to be me going in for a kiss at Lost Lake Cafe

  11. Braved fear of flying to visit my fave guy … and acted like a terrible brat
  12. FIRSTS: self-administered thorough enema, and MAMMOGRAM
  13. Election: forced to let go of comforting hopeful illusions | plunged into surreal scary absurdity
    • we’re on the raft of the Medusa whether we like/deserve it or not
    • grateful for reading books like Catch-22, Fahrenheit 451, The Plague (and just lots of books in general) as a teenager
  14. Delia & I celebrated our 6th/14th anniversary … by getting OUR FIRST TATTOOS!
  15. Christmas at my sister’s house … and acted like a terrible brat
    • connecting dots with 7, 10 & 11, need to do more to apply tools of 4 and 8
      • and recognize that I may be great at forgiveness but it doesn’t pan out demonstrably as love if I’m still afraid & defensive / not fully acknowledging or dealing with my hurts & needs that are still there and real consequences even if I want/can understand and forgive others
    • experienced & observed the mysterious depths of Delia’s exceptional love, patience & wisdom
  16. I *DID NOT* do a lot of things (ex. unfocused fearful nowhere-going drudge work, sex or socializing with many people) … and it was good.
    • one of the hardest (but best and most necessary) parts of pausing most of my visible work and quitting doing unsustainable work things has been losing external validation; I can see now how much of a counterproductive dysfunctional burden that’s put on my relationships
    • I’m returning to my original personal ideal of poly that’s so hard for me to not be ashamed of: my primary relationship is with my work and self. My most important & forever-partner is Delia. Realistically there’s not room for other intense & time-consuming (which I crave) secondary relationships.

My midlife crisis is winding up … things are coming together, and things are falling away. I feel like I’m getting ready to fly. Even if only in a very handicapped-wing comically human way.

Probably the biggest thing I learned in 2016 was how much I need to work on (re)building my value system and self-esteem. My happiness, sense of self, relationships, health and well-doing are reliant on being sure and proud of my values. When you and your value system and your job(s) are remarkably different from most people’s, it’s vital to have a strong tested articulated foundation you’re confident can hold you up that you don’t want to compromise.

scotch tape trump tie

My favorite image of 2016. Poignant beautiful tragicomedy.

I am (and you are too, whether you want to be or not) a designer. Being a designer is a huge part of who I am and what I value. I want to design my days, my life, my work, my home(s), and the experiences I share with others with a radiant, challenging, free, dynamic, safe, pleasurable, spiritual and sparkly set of finely-honed, timeless values.

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking forward to 2017 as much as I am, but I’m revived and relieved to know I AM SMARTER, STRONGER, MORE DECENT, HARDER-WORKING, MORE LOVING, MORE HONEST AND HAVE MORE TO OFFER THE WORLD THAN THE GUY A BUNCH OF PEOPLE MADE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Chances are, SO ARE/DO YOU! Plus a whole long list of more good stuff! I know this beyond even the slimmest, foggiest, shadow of a doubt.

In my life? I AM A SUPERPOWER … in humble submission to the superior collective goodness and love of billions of other people, creatures, stories, teachers and songs (ex. Prince, Bowie, et al).

Go in peace, and serve the LOVE (our god).

Rainshadow Sunshine

As the days get shorter, I’m super happy to live in a rainshadow where I can wake up and bask in sunshine for a few hours without cloud cover or nonstop drizzle.

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I’m also way excited about this tuna-fish sandwich. I remember hating tuna-noodle casseroles and tuna-fish sandwiches as a kid (I fucking HATED mayonnaise and the smell of hot tuna baked in goo used to gross me the fuck out so bad). But today … YUM.

 

 

In spite of feeling happy in the sunshine, I found myself asking what the fuck my purpose is. Then I turned to look out the window and this chubby little charcoal-ombre bird said TO FLY. And, like, feel the sun on your puffed-out chest!

I hate being so absent from my own site, but I’m getting better at prioritizing. Right now my top priority is redesigning the free area of DeliaTS.com. The magically-efficient good news about that is that all of the work and learning I’m doing with that project will pay off here, and on all of our other sites. Tools have changed A LOT (and so have we) since I started building websites in 2001. I’m excited to implement complex features and more-efficient methods we could only dream about fifteen years ago.

On the Way

It probably seems like nothing is happening, but … somethings ARE happening, and I’m excited as I keep practicing letting them take shape with less fear, healthier priorities (and FEWER priorities), and more faith and confidence.

Thanks for your patient, curious, and loving support of me/us!

Valentine’s Day, Fifty Years Ago

My mom and dad got married fifty years ago today:

Trixie's mom and dad wedding photo

My mom & dad on their Valentine’s Day wedding in the sixties

Seeing who I come from — thinking about who these people are/were, and who they raised me to be (and loved me INTO being) — is a good reminder to try to be the best of who I *am*, instead of struggling to be better at being more like other people, or trying to give people what I think they want or need instead of what I have and who I really am. I have so many of my parents’ limitations and their gifts – when I look at them with love and realism, I can be kinder: more loving towards myself. More honest with myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love as privilege in the past year or so (and privilege and love in general).

I’ve also been circling back to my childhood and young adult years, reflecting on how I experience love and intimacy and connections most profoundly, and where there are gaps and raw little injuries I keep re-experiencing, and accepting that even though I’ve been (and am) really fortunate when it comes to loving and being loved, I still need to puke vomit gag “love myself more” if I’m going to thrive (be the best, happiest, most free, most positive and contributing version of my human self I can be) and make the MOST of my good fortune and unique gifts.

Trixie's mom and dad in black and white 50 years ago

Mommy: 20, Daddy: 32

I’m thinking right now of what it means to be fruitful and multiply. How hard they worked to bring us into being and how they did their very best. Not that any of us believe literally in crazy bible shit like that (or that it has any relevance to us today: OBVIOUSLY NOT), or that they took us to church; they didn’t (though that church they’re standing in is where I was baptized and where my sister’s first wedding was and is a powerfully beautiful place that figures prominently in my values and development – that church is part of my home, even though we didn’t belong to it).

I am meant to bear fruit. I am meant to do things that result in exponential increases of abundance. I believe we ALL are meant for that.
I need to accept with celebratory unapologetic abandon and leaps of faith that I can’t follow off-the-shelf mainstream/normal-person blueprints for that.

I don’t want to love or live a little.

I want to — and I do — love a lot. With fires baptisms feasts famines DEEP QUIET HIBERNATION PERIODS debauchery pestilence dreams deafness sacrifice communion peace oil foot-washing long walks alone VISIONS (hallucinations) long silent walks together temple-building and being laid low over and over and over to be resurrected again and again and again. With trances prayers uncontrollable dancing tics dramatic little speeches blessings levitation transmogrification cave-dwelling and secret walks in the garden, just me and Jesus alone. Just you, and I. With stories and songs delivered especially to/for children. With radiant naked trust and fear-blasted visages and loyal marriage to my own pleasure. And confession and absolute loving forgiveness that we are all just human monster saint angels.

This song is so annoying-sounding, but the lyrics/concept are about having your need for love and attention and comforting acceptance exclusively met all night long:

I believe that I am made in the image of “God” because I don’t know you, but I love you. And I *do* know you. We know each other. The reason you are reading this or anything about people on the internet is to feed an emotional and spiritual hunger. Don’t be shy. I love that about you. We love that about each other.

We believe in magic and bullshit and making babies. Or just masturbating alone on Valentine’s day watching the tubes, like I did today. Together. We are all one body. We are all alone. Happy Valentine’s Day. If it sucks, use your imagination. Get religion. Get a call girl. Or a camgirl. Listen to Hozier all night if you want to. There’s some pretty good stuff in the world. If you can’t find any of it, have a tender conversation talking to your divine little self. Hold your own hand. Do it in earnest.

Relieved … and Horny

I’m not only excited about having this boy (oops – can’t link to anything because I never posted anything about him … oh wait: he’s the last one in this strip of pictures) come over tomorrow, but mainly RELIEVED that I am excited. Excited thinking about my feet on his cock, about him rubbing it slowly all over my pussy and STARING and him pressing and pressing and kissing and that sweet stoned strong beseeching boy look.

happy Trixie looks forward

I’ve been feeling bad about not cultivating more time with him, and hopeful I haven’t ruined chances to shoot (and possibly cam) with him (one of the only people I’ve thought would be perfect to do actual camshows with, mostly because he’d look so pretty being dressed up and tormented by me). I met up with him last year just once. He’s a 22 year old angel with long wavy ginger hair, a love of feet (mine) and stockings (on him), and enthusiastic about doing things with Delia, too.

happy Trixie boob

My period is late. I hope it doesn’t start tomorrow and make things messy, but if it does … he seems like the kind of kid who’d like that.

I doubt the spycams will be up for it, but maybe. He’ll be here through Sunday afternoon which could mean a lot of fucking . . . but it could also mean a lot of laying in bed and watching tv. And that’s actually more private to me right now than anything. I don’t want people watching me doing what looks like nothing, wishing it was ACTION!, when actually it is something that I need a lot. Private safe nothing time shared with just one other person at a time. With a thick boner and hair around it that smells like hot young pussy all over.

He smells soooooooo naturally delicious. I think I shot & fooled around with him in July, and all these months later I can conjure up exactly what he smells like, and it is GOOD. And oh my goodness, the eyelashes golden like blonde dyed with carrots . . .

I may develop a serious appreciation for young stoners who have nothing better to do than just lay the fuck around with hard dicks. We don’t have a lot of stuff in common, and that’s actually a nice quiet sensual thing sometimes. Sometimes I really like being connected to a person while being able to keep a lot of myself TO myself, without someone thinking I’m withholding or that something’s wrong. I *need* those kinds of connections, and I usually get them from fucking and lazing around and eating in bed with guys.

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