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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

I don’t know how my fingernails got this long (they’ve always grown really really fast), but I need to cut them. Seems like a waste not to get at least ONE pretty picture with them, though, so here it is:

Long Fingernails, Shiny Pink Pussy

It looks pretty, but also illustrates the fingernails’ lack of function when it really counts; what can I really DO to my pussy while I’m sporting those nails . . . besides injure it? So yeah . . . it’s just for show. If only I had a bunch of penis-people to give fancy-nail hand-jobs to on video . . .

*****

I love the moon and stars. As the days get longer again it makes all the shiny sparkly things at night look even more enchanting.

Moon tonight, behind house, through trees

Tonight Delia made an awesome salad for us. Perfect bite-size greens, thin slices of red bell pepper, avocados, LOTS of walnuts, still-warm bacon, tomato . . . maybe some other stuff I’m forgetting?

*****

Some of my productive working hours today were consumed by . . . stuff . . . and trying to find a lightweight chat client Delia and I can use just to talk to each other with a minimal amount of intrusion and strain on our machines and fewer interruptions to each other when we’re working solo (like when she’s camming and/or I’m webmastering or hatching evil schemes). The intercom and texting and email aren’t working since it takes too long to text, we don’t always have our phones with us, I always have my phone on silent (plus it takes too long to text), I keep email closed / only check it once or a few times a day, etc.

I just want to be able to work for hours at a stretch with no human interaction. It’s best for everybody sometimes and a lot more efficient for me. I also want to avoid being an asshole to live with, and I think the chat thing will help when I’m in a leave-me-alone-I’m-CONCENTRATING mood. Because I always feel shitty when I have to say that out loud, partly because its soooooooooooo hard for me to say it in a nice way. When I’m concentrating I don’t want to make words with my mouth. It, like, HURTS.

Chat is a good way for me to interact because I can use emoticons instead of expressing things with my face or using my voice. So we’re trying out Miranda and made new id’s on a social network that only the two of us know about. I cannot sign in on most places without being inundated with bullshit and SOUNDS and I just really want to not have my chat program crashing all of the time or just being a resource hog in general. Unfortunately it took some time just to customize simple things (sounds! there were none!) with Miranda. We just want it for communicating with each other, I do not want to be pestered to chat with anyone except Delia when I’m trying to work.

The way I see it, phones and instant messengers are tools people use to SET OFF ALARMS in other people’s homes and lives. I do not like it when people set off alarms in WebWhore Headquarters — I do not like it when alarms ring when I’m working or wiping my ass or masturbating or eating or listening to birds or trying to learn new things or remember old things I’ve forgotten — so I want to be able to turn off all of the alarms and have just one that only Delia can ring.

And that I can use to ring her. AGAINANDAGAINANDAGAIN!! I am very glad that she doesn’t have the same sensitivity to interruptions that I do. Still, I know she doesn’t always welcome me stomping up the stairs into HER office space or calling her when she’s trying to flirt with her cam customers.

Here I am, mowing the lawn naked in January/winter with a really bad cold:

Mowing the lawn naked in January.

It felt great to wake up this morning with my cold five times worse than it was yesterday. I’m not being sarcastic; it truly felt great! I almost never get sick with colds or flus, so when it happens I appreciate the excuse to just stop everything and take care of myself. Not sure why that manifested as mowing the lawn today, but I think it’s a home and hearth thing, and wanting to enjoy the yard and remind myself what a blessing it is to be out there, interacting with the ground and the trees and the birds and all the little nooks and crannies flowers and green things might pop out of, and that I can take part in that and witness it. AND BECAUSE IT’S SUNNY TODAY, and too beautiful to resist.

I pushed my boundaries and found the place where, for now, my body and instincts needed to lay the line down. Geographically I’m in the same place, but I have a renewed appreciation for the spaces and body I inhabit and for the expansion of my concept of what my life may contain.

*****

Rugaru is back at our house for a few nights with a plan to go home this week, many states away from us. I am so happy for him and his kids and thankful for the people who know and care about him back there.

I’m incredibly grateful for the crazy and beautiful things the three of us have learned and experienced together (and have learned experienced alone, too, BECAUSE of each other) over the past five+ weeks.

I’m also super grateful for the people — friends (including Roog’s friend, T.) and near-strangers and fans and even family (like my mom who popped up with a comment here) — who read our blogs and care about us and generously and genuinely PULL for us and celebrate our happiness with us . . . and worry for us when things get wobbly. We are so fortunate to be the recipients of so much love and well wishes – THANK YOU!

I also feel tremendously lucky to have close family and friends who bestow blessings and acceptance without unbearable loads of judgment upon the unconventional choices I’ve made in life and that Delia and I make together. I don’t know if I would be brave enough to allow myself to experience all of these things without their open-mindedness and support. I wish everybody were at least as lucky as we are – the world would be a better place if everyone were surrounded by the kind of love we’ve been privileged to grow inside of from people like my mom, my sister and her husband, Delia’s sponsor, my sponsor, Lightning Allie, and a host of other friends who root for us online and off and are patient with my many mistakes and enthusiastic wanderings.

I’m excited about spending the rest of this gentle winter with Delia and seeing what pops up for us to experience with and by each other in the springs to come.

*****

Note: I was actually done mowing the lawn by the time I stripped off my clothes for Delia to shoot this for fun. But I really did mow the lawn today/right before this snapshot and it really is winter and I really do have a bad cold.

Ten minutes ago I made an audio blog entry of me crying and talking about the wondrous odd sad sad sad pain of Rugaru leaving our house/saying goodbye at this stage. But audio blog/hipcast didn’t seem to care that I hit # and then 3 to publish and it ate it, instead recording and posting a minute of me sniffling and waiting for some acknowledgement that these tragic precious private moments had been captured.

Anyway, Delia is taking him somewhere. Safe, I hope. But probably not since they won’t tell me where it is because it would probably torment me. Probably it’s NOT safe. Probably it’s stupid. But I guess so was this whole magical experiment.

I have never conceived of the moment where there’s a break up with one person in a triad leaving. I never thought anything like this “triad” ambitious poly business would be part of my life or thought it necessary to plan for how to handle it. The strange intimate sweetness of it taking place with Delia right there, with knowing we’re okay and going on together and things will be awesome, and at the same time things being so so fucking sad and hard to let go of with him. But necessary.

I just didn’t know just didn’t know just didn’t know this would break cracks into my chest. When mere hours ago I thought it would be such a relief to have Delia and I back to ourselves. When I didn’t understand I was just being an asshole as a last ditch effort to make him prove . . . something. That can’t be proven or gained.

The way everything morphed. At the beginning of this I could never ever EVER have believed it would have shifted this way and that I would be crying for myself even more than for everybody else.

I’m 38 years old and so much of this has never ever happened to me before and I’m so glad it did. I’m crying with all of the love of nineteen and the acceptance of my warm mothering forties. And the patience that there is more. And I’ve already gots lots and lots of it!

Sorry this nudie pic is late… it was a stressful day in which I blew up when H. Rugaru backed out of a shoot at the last minute. Then I said a bunch of mad things and he said some shitty things and I said that if that’s how he feels then he has to leave tomorrow.

And then because I was so mad I actually forgot I said that & asked Delia when she & I were alone, “so what’s going on? Is he leaving? I feel like he’s supposed to leave tomorrow but do we really know that or did I make that up in my head?”

Delia looked at me strangely and said, “I think that’s the plan.”

And I was like, “okay…okay…but how do we know that’s the plan? I mean, who said so?”

And my girlfriend gently looked into my crazy eyes and said, “you did.”

And I vaguely remembered saying it, and then I remembered why. And that it was the decision I had to make. Even if he doesn’t actually leave right away. Even if it means I’m an impatient controlling selfish asshole. I had to make that decision.

And hours later he and I fucked sweetly like maybe it was goodbye to all of this and here’s the picture and there probably won’t be any new ones like it to count-on or look forward to or make a meaningful collection out of:

Dripping Rugaru cum out of my pussy, down my crack into a wet spot.

I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m stupid.

I did the dishes with my angry energy & tortured myself with the compulsion to throw the black-handled soup mug, the orange vase, the mismatched plates from auction and half a dozen coffee mugs, feeling bitterly deprived looking at the walls & windows I could feel my arms sending them through.

Not throwing them left me feeling exhausted & defeated so I went to the liquor store.

*****

This is about sex work. This is about addiction. This is about gender. This is about idealism and trust and disappointment and fear. This is about practicing love poorly. Without regret.

This is about what Picard says about space, the final frontier, and boldly going. And crying into his shoulder because of it.

Trixie and Rugaru wearing helmets, practicing loving teamwork.

Seeking out new life. It’s about that, too. Finding it every day.

*****

I miss Delia. I miss myself. I miss quiet. I miss my illusions of control. I’m relieved in some ways and hopeful in others but really really sad, too.

Me, as a suggestive porn monkey eating a banana for a lunch snack today:

Outside my cabin window moments ago:

The sky right now is actually a threatening blue-bruised heavy grey.

I have to take care of the bills. And an assortment of other things.

I was over an hour late taking my birth control pill today. So much cum in me. At least one load almost every day.

I like doing shows with the returning cam customer who last night said, “oh yeah . . . show my those udders . . . those cow udders hanging down,” and said he wants to get me pregnant so he can milk them. I like hearing his voice when he talks about my “filthy cunt”.

A lot of you might not understand this, but I think he’s a really nice guy and I totally enjoy doing shows with/for him. He’s very polite and considerate and likes to talk to me after he cums even though it’s not a requirement for me to appreciate his patronage.

*****

You have no idea how much is going on here at our house and inside of us and each other. Maybe if you’re watching on our spycams, though, you’ve seen the fucking, the hours upon hours of talking, the exhaustion, the late late nights, the fucking, the pictures being taken, the working, the dancing and leaping and hugging, the cleaning and even some crying.

Amazed that I’m not only still standing, but thriving on multiple levels. Even more amazed by Delia and Rugaru.

I was going to write a whole bunch of stuff about the awesomeness surrounding this picture, but like all of the days there is so much of it constantly being replaced by right-now awesomeness (and wow-that’s-hardness) that it slips away. All of the words and confusion and fears and revelations and recognition and skin-on-skin melting into the next and away into a fast-growing mountain of thick-bondedness.

You can't see my pussy-full-of-cum in this picture, but it's down there.

Actually I was just going to write about the sex, but hours (and more sex) later, the picture means something much fatter than that.

Note: Hunter is going to get an iphone soon and then I think there will be more me-and-Delia and Delia-and-Hunter and the-three-of-us pictures. It’s pretty scary what buying a phone can signify, fyi. Anyway . . . I sorta want to post a picture of Hunter and Delia together from today too, but I don’t think either of them like the pics I took enough to want them posted. *I* love them, though.

Before my webcam show today:

My boobs pressed against the glass of the cabin door.

After my webcam show I went shopping for some Christmas presents for our nephews while Delia and The Hunter had some private time at home alone. A guy hit on me while I window shopped, but I was enjoying being alone too much to try to get a free dinner out of it (yes, I do think that way). Instead I treated myself to a solo Mexican dinner.

Christmas mannequin I saw tonight

All of these years that it was just the two of us — Delia and I — when I chose to spend time alone I always felt like we both missed out on sharing something together. One of the things I love about The Hunter living with us is the feeling of freedom I have to be alone, like nobody is missing out on anything if I eat out by myself or take a walk by myself or spend the night by myself.

Of course they are quick to point out that they are missing out on time with me, but I don’t care or feel I’m doing something stingy the way I did when it was just Delia and I. I was able to walk up and down and up and down and up and down the streets tonight with no regard for time or preoccupation with “what is my girlfriend doing now? Is she waiting for me?” No automatic decisions against doing something nice by myself because I would rather do it with her.

We did everything together. Barely spent any time apart, really. In lots of ways we were isolated together against the rest of the world. I wanted everything to be safe and stable and predictable and routinized at home with no surprises or discomfort. Experiencing that was important, for both of us, I think. But right now it seems important for us to grow relationships with other people and restore some of our independence from each other without growing apart.

I didn’t think I wanted or needed to spend more time alone and with other people, but The Hunter and his relationship with Delia and the upsetting of my soothing routines and space cushions have been catalysts for me to seize time alone and talk to other people more, including inviting a lady friend to go to the movies with us! Except for four couples we’re friends with as a couple, I really haven’t cultivated relationships with people as an individual. I felt like I only had energy for three relationships: my relationship with Delia, my relationship with work, and my relationship with myself with a tiny bit available for my family and the friends we have in common.

I believe in brain plasticity. I believe I’m becoming more capable and flexible by intimately sharing our space and time with a third person we care about. And on an observable level I can now see that I have more opportunities instead of less by our being in a close relationship with a third person. Not just any third person, but this particular third person and everything that he brings to the table.

I’m not adjusting to everything with the greatest of ease and I know I will never be a social butterfly or able to juggle work and a hundred relationships and home life with the kind of energy and skills other people do, but I do think I’m changing for the better even if I’ve had a handful of immature outbursts. I also can’t say that any one of us in this new triad has been devoid of jealousy, but I think it’s okay because we’re talking about it openly and it’s kind of exciting/stimulating.

I’d be lying if I said I feel 100% safe in our new relationships. What I do feel is wholly alive. Every day is different, like we’re kids who don’t know anything so every 24 hour period is crammed full of measurable huge growth. Like 25 new vocabulary words a day.

Check out this blog entry from Delia for some more background on The Hunter.

So happy to be outside naked under blue skies knowing that the days are now getting longer.

Nude outside in winter, welcoming the lengthening of days!

Night-before-last and yesterday morning held some sad, dark moments for me. Lightning Allie put the smack down on my ass when I acted like a rude, bratty shithead . . . that was pretty cool. Painful, but awesome. There are very few people that I trust the way I trust her.

Quite a few things right now are painful but awesome. Delia and The Hunter and I are all exquisitely aware that we’re growing.

I was worn out today after a Christmas party followed by all three of us calling my mom to introduce her to The Hunter and prepare her for our entire triad coming for Christmas. All preceded by a long night of very little sleep and lots of fucking and talking – The Hunter and I were in don’t-make-us-go-to-sleep-yet slumber party mode.

I was agitated after that, so The Hunter offered to silently rub my feet and usher me into a dreamy nap, which of course I accepted and it became an entire foot-washing ritual including removing my old nail polish.

Foot washing bowl and red-nail-polishy cotton balls.

He tenderly massaged my feet after washing them with a soft, warm washcloth. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the cloth being immersed in the metal bowl of warm water and tea tree oil, then pulled out dripping and wrung out.

My clean bare feet after The Hunter washed them.

And then it became soothing feathery back stroking. The Hunter softly listed all of the things that are taken care of, that I don’t have to worry about, things that are good and that Godde is doing for us. A list so sweetly stated I said that I would have paid $99,000 to hear it said. And then cuddling and taking our clothes off and kissing. And then it became more fucking.

Post-fuck getting ready for my close-up.

And then I came with his cock in me and my buzzy toy on my clit. And then he came in me. And I wasn’t agitated anymore and he took these pictures of me and I went to sleep.

My hairy pussy splattered with The Hunter's hot cum.

Pictures like this make me super, super excited (it’s the man-hands, I think, and the relatively little-looking pussy):

The Hunter holding open my wet, swollen pussy lips.

And then Delia went with The Hunter to buy groceries. And they brought home flowers that I just put in a vase and The Hunter is preparing a family meal we’re going to eat at the table.

And if this all sounds unbelievably awesome and extraordinary, that’s because it is. Three Hundred Twenty-Seven impossible dreams come true. Probably more.