Pregnant for 22 Hours


Delia and I went to the doctor and got some very unexpected news a couple of days ago:

Maybe we shouldn’t have immediately tweeted about it and told a few choice members of our families … but it was probably the only chance we’ll have of telling people that news. It was fun while it lasted! Stressful, but overall a bizarre-yet-positive learning and bonding experience for us. And it was so lovely reading all of the excitement and congratulations from you folks online – thank you so much for being so happy for us!

You are good people, and we experienced your well-wishes and hopes for the best to happen as real love. I hope for all of us to thrive and be joyfully aware of how much new life is around and IN us EVERY DAY, and nurture that in ourselves and each other.


If you want to read more about what we went through a decade ago trying to get pregnant before Delia could move forward with HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and her transition, check out my blog archives at I still want to explore and share more about that experience and what I learned from it: that having difficulty conceiving doesn’t mean you aren’t fertile in tons of potent and amazing ways. Also I love a lot of fertility-related fetishes and taboos.

The doctor didn’t seem concerned about the false positive (which I’ve always heard is super fucking rare / weird to get), so I am going to follow up with my GP to see if there’s something wrong with me that caused it. Maybe I have a big huge hairy toothy ovarian cyst growing inside me, or a stone baby! It would explain so much, and be so much easier to take care of the fruit of our loins if we had her contained in a jar of formaldehyde.


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15 Years (and a Decade) Ago

The first time Delia told me she loved me was 15 years ago … the day my dad died. I wish he’d been able to know her … he would have loved her so much. Their loving kindness and senses of humour are so exceptional and similar.

And just over ten years ago, near Mother’s Day of 2007, is when Delia decided to transition. My memory of that day and her announcing this beautiful change is one of the happiest and most hopeful, joyful memories in my whole entire life.

I fervently wish for everyone to be able to be their best, happiest, truest, most green-growing radiantly-thriving selves, and be surrounded by love, safety and the certainty that we all want the very best for each other, and allow each other the freedom to determine what is best for themselves. It may not be true today, and it doesn’t seem probable … but it is possible, and I want to focus on believing that kernel of goodness is in everyone as much as our capacity for fear, willfully self-centered comfortable ignorance, and cruelty.


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Starry Winter Night Stroll

We got up too-early to go dance. It was worth it, but then all we wanted was a movie and food-in-bed and murder-porn lazy-time.

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With the velvety curtains drawn around our well-fed body heat, it finally got too stuffy by other people’s Sunday-night time-for-bed standards under the sloped-ceilings of our sleeping alcove. I whined for Delia to make me a bulls-eye egg NO WAIT can we take a walk?

Out in the dark in our pajamas, strolling the silent neighborhood … so many stars. My pj’s are a soft knit dress and thin fleece hoodie: no panties, no bra. Just shuffling along. It feels balmy compared to a couple weeks ago when the moon was full and the ground hard-frozen. She finds out her new nalgene does indeed glow.

We should be walking naked. Through gardens, not towards the obscenely-bright porch lights of people who go to bed so early. We should be walking naked with bare feet. RUNNING, even. Maybe we will someday, and then come back inside to dance. Or if it’s summer … stay outside to dance. All night long.


There’s Orion. There’s The Big Dipper. There are billions and billions and billions of things I don’t know the names for. Just tiny little lights in darkness from where we’re moving, such tiny barely measurable distances together, walking at night towards another cold still building where we’ve danced before, and other people. Maybe for a hundred tiny little years.


We left the sometimes-lit straight roads for the darker curving trails. Little miniature hills roped with roots, rising and falling under our feet.


I can hear her downstairs, smell the buttered bread and egg she’s frying for me coming up the stairs.

Top 16 of 2016

Sixteen of my favorite and/or most important experiences from 2016:

  1. Started the year with an every-morning (for two weeks) dance experience
  2. Hired Lightning Allie to come over for a day-long project
    • exquisitely important-feeling to me because of how it felt to make her food & coffee, and how she responded to it
  3. Celebrated Valentine’s Day with Delia by taking a day-long couple’s yoga class
  4. Attended a 5-session relationship skills class
    • because I *don’t*have great relationships skills, and want to be better in my relationships
  5. My favorite guy moved far away
    • I spent more time with him in ’15 + ’16 than anybody but Delia since the year 200020170102_104731-1-commit30
  6. Went carless … and got a (mountain) bike!
    • and my body has never hurt more in my life
  7. Grandma died
    • harder for me because of sad family roles, fears and conflicts than actual death of Grandma
  8. Started taking Lithium Orotate
  9. Created & began using my own 24-hour schedule
  10. Renewed our Seattle apartment lease
    • while it sucks in some ways to be separated from my wife for extended periods of time, we’re learning a lot from it and how we want to craft our lives and work. I’m still learning
      • to let go of shame over needing and loving the vast majority) of time alone
      • how to take time off of work / not try to exploit everything for work
        • now when we spend time together the majority of it is TIME OFF, not working (this is still harder to commit to than it probably should be, but IT’S AWESOME and we’ve done a lot more special things … like 3 and 14 and lots in between

          That’s supposed to be me going in for a kiss at Lost Lake Cafe

  11. Braved fear of flying to visit my fave guy … and acted like a terrible brat
  12. FIRSTS: self-administered thorough enema, and MAMMOGRAM
  13. Election: forced to let go of comforting hopeful illusions | plunged into surreal scary absurdity
    • we’re on the raft of the Medusa whether we like/deserve it or not
    • grateful for reading books like Catch-22, Fahrenheit 451, The Plague (and just lots of books in general) as a teenager
  14. Delia & I celebrated our 6th/14th anniversary … by getting OUR FIRST TATTOOS!
  15. Christmas at my sister’s house … and acted like a terrible brat
    • connecting dots with 7, 10 & 11, need to do more to apply tools of 4 and 8
      • and recognize that I may be great at forgiveness but it doesn’t pan out demonstrably as love if I’m still afraid & defensive / not fully acknowledging or dealing with my hurts & needs that are still there and real consequences even if I want/can understand and forgive others
    • experienced & observed the mysterious depths of Delia’s exceptional love, patience & wisdom
  16. I *DID NOT* do a lot of things (ex. unfocused fearful nowhere-going drudge work, sex or socializing with many people) … and it was good.
    • one of the hardest (but best and most necessary) parts of pausing most of my visible work and quitting doing unsustainable work things has been losing external validation; I can see now how much of a counterproductive dysfunctional burden that’s put on my relationships
    • I’m returning to my original personal ideal of poly that’s so hard for me to not be ashamed of: my primary relationship is with my work and self. My most important & forever-partner is Delia. Realistically there’s not room for other intense & time-consuming (which I crave) secondary relationships.

My midlife crisis is winding up … things are coming together, and things are falling away. I feel like I’m getting ready to fly. Even if only in a very handicapped-wing comically human way.

Probably the biggest thing I learned in 2016 was how much I need to work on (re)building my value system and self-esteem. My happiness, sense of self, relationships, health and well-doing are reliant on being sure and proud of my values. When you and your value system and your job(s) are remarkably different from most people’s, it’s vital to have a strong tested articulated foundation you’re confident can hold you up that you don’t want to compromise.

scotch tape trump tie

My favorite image of 2016. Poignant beautiful tragicomedy.

I am (and you are too, whether you want to be or not) a designer. Being a designer is a huge part of who I am and what I value. I want to design my days, my life, my work, my home(s), and the experiences I share with others with a radiant, challenging, free, dynamic, safe, pleasurable, spiritual and sparkly set of finely-honed, timeless values.

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking forward to 2017 as much as I am, but I’m revived and relieved to know I AM SMARTER, STRONGER, MORE DECENT, HARDER-WORKING, MORE LOVING, MORE HONEST AND HAVE MORE TO OFFER THE WORLD THAN THE GUY A BUNCH OF PEOPLE MADE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Chances are, SO ARE/DO YOU! Plus a whole long list of more good stuff! I know this beyond even the slimmest, foggiest, shadow of a doubt.

In my life? I AM A SUPERPOWER … in humble submission to the superior collective goodness and love of billions of other people, creatures, stories, teachers and songs (ex. Prince, Bowie, et al).

Go in peace, and serve the LOVE (our god).

Catching Up with Summer

Just got home last night. Been gone way too much this month: almost half the month. One of one of my orchid’s buds burst open while I was gone.

white orchid flower

I have a lot of catching up to do with the blackcaps and other berries in the backyard.


The amount of good I feel from yardwork (which for me is very slow and meditative and not super productive) is HUGE. Cutting back prickly little vines and salal reaching too far into pathways. Moving small piles of the prickly vines & leaves from wherever to The Big Pile. Watering & pulling weeds occasionally.

butterfly bush, salal & daisy flower arrangement

Here’s a glimpse of one of the things we did while I was in Seattle:

Delia tenting in maxi dress

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Other things I did over the weekend in Seattle:

  • called 911 on the way after neighbor called to alert me to suspicious dude on our property
    • felt super grateful for how much lithium orotate is helping my brain because without it I would never have been able to hold multiple stressful conversations on the phone while in crowded ferry terminal, WALKING, etc.
  • we celebrated a belated mother’s day with my mom
    • took her to brunch at Salty’s & cruised Alki afterwards
    • watched Hello My Name is Doris
  • resolved to watch more movies in our building’s theater room
  • walked through & past all of the drunk Mariners fans & the stadium(s)
    • finally bought contemptible vaping supplies for easier consumption of headache medicine. And stuff.
      • grudgingly became a convert to vaping
    • restrained myself from impulsive potential porno opportunity with beautiful young man
      • regretted so thoroughly restraining myself
  • played games on my phone while Delia listened to streaming Phish concerts
  • shot a couple sets of pics & videos for
  • ate delicious foods
  • made more shoot plans / did prep work for upcoming shoots & trips
  • discussed redesign, took notes on what Delia wants for it, mocked up some things, bought & played with some fonts
  • Bused / walked to & from the naked lady spa where I spent a day alone
    • unexpected SURPRISE ride on double-decker Sound Transit bus!
      • I got to sit
        • up top!
        • in the very front seat!!
        • ON THE WATER SIDE!!!
    • tried not to feel bad about spending money on a spa day
      • I haven’t been there in over a year … jesus!
  • had a PMS-exacerbated rare pouty spat with Delia upon my return
    • was again super grateful for the lithium keeping me way more balanced than I’d normally be … and for how calm Delia is about such things (although super frustratingly yet blessedly impossible to actually FIGHT with)
  • we put a date night with each other on the calendar: too much of our time with each other lately has been work or family or just trying to recover from work &/or family
  • enjoyed lunch Delia prepared & amazing view with each other on the top floor of our building


We always want Bremerton to beat Bainbridge.

A photo posted by Trixie Fontaine (@tastytrixie) on


  • got ORCA cards
    • even with research online, was prepared for it to be more difficult than it should be
      • no white people in positions where they should be able to help folks procure ORCA cards knew fuck all about how to go about it; black guy whose job it was not to help me (pretty sure he was a ferry boat captain), helped me with MULTIPLE options and very clear instructions & directions for each of them
  • finally dropped in at the Seattle Mystery Bookshop
  • realized my backpack was way too heavy to be carrying so far after putting it all into a big suitcase and even though it has wheels realized it’s WAY TOO HEAVY, even not on my back
  • enjoyed the ferry terminal & ride while high because the vaping thing makes it way too convenient to do so
  • made an awkward dorky ass of myself alternately trying to / not to flirt with someone in the ferry terminal
  • drank too much coke zero because my throat felt scratchy (yes, even though it’s just VAPOR … whatever, stoners) so even though I peed on the ferry the bus rides home were kind of torture
  • was picked up & driven home by friend who saw & pitied me on my long walk with enormous heavy suitcase
    • delivered home in time to not burst bladder
  • discovered house safe and sound and apparently not broken into!

It’s good to be home.

jammy wild blackberries

The ones that get dry-looking in the sun without getting smutty are the JAMMIEST!


Cabin roof / skylight in the background

Cabin roof / skylight in the background

unprofessional flower arrangement

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