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Monday, 9/6/2010: Day 4

This is the day I moved a vibrator into the cabin.

Post-orgasm with the vibrator I brought to the cabin.

I still haven’t taken a nap here but now I’ve broken in the loft with masturbation and orgasms. There’s no internet access here (a good, preferable, integral thing to this whole cabin experience) and I don’t have any dirty books here, so I was very limited in terms of porn to accompany my vibrator time. I’ve only downloaded three videos (not counting that Gossip Girl episode) to this laptop and those were all for research purposes just to gauge their quality so out of those I chose to masturbate to a teaser video Delia made last year.

I skipped through the parts I’m in to get to the real meat of the thing/away from visions of myself. I wanted to come to her Twin Peaks-y schoolgirl-in-plaid-skirt-and-white-panties thing, but  it’s hard to time things just right with a short compilation video like that meant merely to entice. I’m a chick with a vibrator though, so I got off on it three times. It makes me extra excited, actually, and I come faster when I’m “afraid” that the part I like is going to end REALLY FAST . . . when I know my favorite parts are limited. I didn’t time it properly the first time and wound up climaxing as she was eating her cum on the donut (totally NOT what I want to orgasm to, though I love directing her to eat it), but I did better the other times.

I also wrote an outline and some notes for a short story. I might have done some other stuff, too.

You can check out other people’s “Half Nekkid Thursday” pics for this week here (links are in the comments). If you like truly amateur / non-porn-pro stuff, you should definitely check it out.

I meant to post this before we left last week, but better late than never! See also TrixieAndFriends preview:

Trixie's thick ass and lenses

I would love to be able to justify shooting more porn wearing my glasses but I’m never sure if many people are into it (and if lots of others are definitely NOT into it). Normally I wouldn’t care, but shooting photos with glasses on is actually kind of hard to get right without a bunch of crazy reflections off the lenses. Anyway, I guess I’m just begging for people to tell me how aroused I make them when I wear my specs.

You can check out other people’s Half Nekkid Thursday pics for this week here (links are in the comments). There just might be some good solstice-celebrational pics in there.

Big Boobs with Giant Areolas on Blonde with Thick Glasses

And if you want to see me getting a load of cum on my glasses, here’s a preview of role play video we did that winds up that way (NOTE: if power play role plays trigger you, DO NOT watch this):

Milf Renee: hot car upskirt in mesh panties

Busty Juliann on MilfHunter

I think MilfHunter has been around longer than most of the “Mothers I’d Like to Fuck” porn sites. It also epitomizes everything that’s embarrassing and offensive — and apparently successful — about porno schtick marketing. The guy’s gimmick  is that he “hunts” women. All of the words in these promos are exactly the kind of things that make anti-porners gasp in horror:

"He Doesn't Give a Piss About You"

The crosshairs over the dead-looking chick I think are the real “killer”:

MILFhunter has his sights set on your mom

How do I, personally, feel about this kind of language? Wellll . . . I’ve got mixed/conflicted feelings. I think people should talk about it and recognize it as problematic (and I have a *big* problem with anyone thinking it’s just 100% perfectly harmless and acting like you’ve got to be crazy to criticize it, which is how a lot of men in the porn industry react when you point these things out). On the other hand, it’s hard to take it seriously when it’s just so fucking silly. The notion of this character being a menacing threat is a joke, one that the people responsible for it are well aware of:

Big, menacing(?), pop-up MilfHunter head

Short uber-dork "hunter" & conqueror of Milfs?

It’s hard to argue that the site is really inspiring predatorial behavior when you see shots like this one:

Coconut babydoll makes MILF growl when applied to nipple?

Mainstream porn wouldn’t be mainstream porn, I don’t think, if it weren’t filled with lame, offensive jokes; if you can tolerate looking at it long enough you can see the “joke” is often on the guys as much as it is on the women, making a total mockery of themselves with their gun puns and such.

Yes, it would be nice if there were lots more wonderful and special non-junior-high-y porn out there to counterbalance it, but there’s not and it’s not really the fault of pornographers like the creators of MILFhunter to judge them more harshly as though they’re responsible for this dearth of woman-friendly erotica.

My main concern with sites like this isn’t the content and language itself, but how accessible it is to younger people, desensitizing people even further to violent and dehumanizing language about women (which is out there en force in all kinds of media, not just porn) and reinforcing those kinds of perceptions of women (attitudes that would be out there with or without porn but still — how gross is it to train your boner to spring up to that kind of language?), and how few people are able to talk about these things critically without going all whackadoodle extremist about it.  But can you really blame women if they take a quick look at this shit and say, “THAT IS SO NOT FUNNY AND I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE THAT CRAP AGAIN!”, particularly if they’re among the too-many who HAVE been stalked and hunted for real by predators? It’s difficult to pass off as a “joke” when you look at it from a victim’s perspective, and you should recognize that there are a whole hell of a lot of victims out there. Too many. Still, the whole hunter vs. game concept pervades a lot of our language (have you ever read a romance novel? The kind women buy up in bunches? HELLO!).

Weirdo stalking woman in tanning bed.

So is it chilling? Or just a tasteless marketing angle that provides a cheap framework to hang the sex scenes on? For me it’s way less freaky (and, as a perv, way less creepily HOT) than the old “bird”-watching magazines (I wish I could find the blog entry I made about those).

On top of that, the only really offensive part (to me) is SOME of the advertising. Other ads and the content itself is just downright sweet vanilla. My impression is that the troublesome ads really don’t represent the kind of porn on the site – it’s a branding tool and a scene-setter. Guys jerk off to the sex, not the women-in-crosshairs banner ads, and hey — the only person I saw actually packing heat is one of the MILFs:

Sexy Russian Babe with Shiny Handgun

Yum! And I *love* that photo of him behind her “helping” her take aim, just as I love these sweet shots starting out with him undressing this scrumptious blonde followed by morphing into a harmless pantyhose-head:

MilfHunter is really just a tenderoni.

MilfHunter likes Sheer Underwear

Puffy Pale Pink Pussy exposed by MilfHunter

MilfHunter distracted from hunt by pantyhose antics.

Blonde Milf laughs at "Hunter".

One thing I appreciate about MilfHunter is that condoms are used in a lot of the scenes. I’m not in favor of OSHA or any other government agency (or the porn industry as a whole) mandating condom use (a topic for another entry), but when I see condoms used in porn it raises my opinion of the site or studio making the porn because it seems like they care about their talent.

Hot lady Becca in glasses on MilfHunter

And hello, thank you for a scene involving a chick and her vibrator and a man NEXT to her, then using the toy WHILE FUCKING — why aren’t there more scenes like this in porn?

Woman using a vibrator AND man for ultimate stimulation.

Anyhoo, enough with the analysis. Everyone I know (women too) who has joined this network of sites always has something good to say about it and usually they wind up rejoining, so here are a few more of my favorite samples from MILFhunter:

MILF Shayla getting soapy in short-shorts.

Brunette MILF in tiny underwear

Hot Redhead MILF with pale skin

Disclosure/Confession: if you join after clicking on one of my links to MILFhunter, I will get a referral bonus – thanks!

Oh, and members of OUR sites: Delia and I are doing webcam shows and chat this weekend (Friday night and Saturday) so hope to see you there!

Milf Renee: hot car upskirt in mesh panties

The other day I treated myself to a trip to the spa as a reward for being 33% of the way to my June 1st weight loss goal. I decided to get a body wrap for health reasons (it helps you detox) and out of curiosity since I’d never done it.

I knew going into it that I *might* really hate being wrapped up like a mummy and mostly-immobilized for forty minutes, but I also knew I *might* really enjoy it and, at the very least, could endure it without feeling as though I’d been placed in a straitjacket.

By the time my appointment rolled around at 4 pm I’d been soaking, sweating, reading, and steaming at the spa since 10 am (I should’ve made my body wrap & massage appointment beforehand but was afraid to in case I couldn’t figure out how to pay for it or wanted to do something else instead so 4 pm was the earliest they could get me in) and was GIDDY with anticipation.

The girl explained what was in the mud (mugwort, seaweed and a bunch of other stuff I can’t recall), instructed me to disrobe and sit on the massage table (on top of a sheet of plastic on top of a metallic emergency blanket on top of MORE blankets) with my back to her. She warned me to expect the mud to be fairly “warm” because it cools off so quickly, then she started slathering hot goop on my shoulders, back, and arms. She had me lie down after that so she could apply it to the rest of my body. Right before she smeared it on my boobs, she prepared me to anticipate the touch in a nursey-kindergarten voice: I’ll just apply some to your breasts now . . . (circle, circle).

After she got it all over me except RIGHT between my legs, the soles of my feet and my face, she closed the plastic around me, then the reflective blanket, then the other blankets and towels until I was thoroughly cocooned with only my head sticking out. She asked if I wanted a pillow or for her to bring water or tea when she came back to check on me in ten minutes. Then she turned out the lights (as I requested) and left me alone in the dark, unable to move. AND TRAPPED WITH A TERRIBLE CD OF ROMANTIC/NEW-AGEY GUITAR MUSIC CRAP.

The first ten minutes were pleasant (except for the hideous music). I didn’t even attempt to move, afraid I would make myself itchy and be unable to scratch myself. I could see how easily I could become panicked if the slightest carnival-ride twist had been added to it (it WAS April Fool’s Day, after all). Like if she’d laughed maniacally before she left and I could hear the door being locked from the outside. Or if weird scrubby things began to descend from the ceiling towards me. Or if the walls just started shrinking inwards. I kept my eyes closed JUST IN CASE so I wouldn’t have to see anything like that happening. Or if a man with a bunch of surgical tools were to simply walk in, bend over my face and start whispering at me you can’t move you can’t move you can’t get away from me or my tools! and just put his hands heavily on my chest.

So yeah . . . this might help explain to you PART of why I’m not interested in being bound. Because it would be way too fucking easy for someone to scare me psycho. I can happily lie motionless for hours, but FORCE me to — restrict my mobility — and I might freak the fuck out. Part of me can appreciate the appeal, imagine experimenting with it under very specific conditions, and be tempted by the psychological challenge of it and another part of me just thinks the (psychological) risk is not at all worth the scariness. I feel the same way about LSD. It sounds really interesting but I think I might be a little too vulnerable to bad side effects. The body wrap at the women-only spa is about as far as I can go.

One time I did let someone bind my hands behind my back with his leather belt (a natural outgrowth to him of my spanking and man’s-leather-belt fetish, but to me it was just not the direction I was interested in going once I was face down on his bed — it was crazily exciting, but the fear of having my arms locked behind me that way and of him possibly being able to put his weight on me and smother me was just too fucking freaky for me and I begged for mercy so it didn’t last long. I was far more interested in being whipped with the belt (but not to the point of bruising or bleeding), but he wasn’t so much into that so that little experiment didn’t last very long. I know that some of you are thinking I just didn’t do it with the RIGHT person, someone I TRUST. But the point is a) my imagination doesn’t trust ANYBODY, and b) testing my boundaries on this is NOT as important to me as preserving them. For a whole lot of reasons. Thinking about it is provocative, but I am (and always have been) more interested in having force applied to me in a psychological way (and even more so applying it to others) in ridiculous role plays. I like being bound by RULES and structure. I like things that happen inside my HEAD way more than things that happen to my body. Or maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know. Woops. Now that I’ve written this I can recall a few different instances where I’ve been bound in different ways and liked it. Hmmmm . . . still, not exactly my “thing”.

Back to the spa.

The first time the girl came in to check on me she brought me tea with a straw that she lowered to my mouth. I wasn’t prepared for it and giggled because THAT is totally hot to me, being treated like an invalid. I wasn’t prepared and dribbled tea down the side of my face, then I got her to change the CD to a variety of new agey music I enjoy — Shamanic Dreams or something like that. She asked if the level of heat was okay (yes – warm and cozy) and again if I wanted a pillow (this time? yes).

When she left I decided to try to sleep since I’d only gotten three hours the night before. And sleep I did, for a few minutes. Let me tell you, it was NOT pleasant waking up mummified, sweating like a pig in a strange dark room with weird pagan drum music going on. I decided not to go to sleep again and couldn’t wait for her to come back. When she did I asked for the heat to be turned down. She did, and blotted the sweat from my forehead and cheeks with a cool cloth (yummmmm . . . more pampered-invalid feelings). I wanted to ask her if anybody had ever lost control of their bowels while getting a wrap but decided against it, fearing she’d think I was planning something disgusting. Still, the thought was entertaining. I know SOMEONE, somewhere has done that on accident or on purpose, and I’d really love to hear about it.

Note: I’m far more likely to experiment with and enjoy shitting in a warm, plastic-wrapped bed than with being tied up. Just an FYI. I don’t PLAN on doing either, but a warm bed of crap seriously sounds more fun to me than letting someone tie me up. Maybe I’m just a loner with a short attention span, though, and wallowing in my own poop is an experience I could live fully in five to ten minutes by myself whereas the whole bondage scene requires time and at least one other person. I guess there are some things I could do to myself, but again, I’m too lazy and disinterested for that. Plus, scat is just a whole lot edgier than bondage and I like the idea of being able to make people think by gleefully confessing I’ve shat myself for the pure, HAMRLESS fun of it. It’s stupid, but poop is so much more taboo (and illegal/obscene) than bondage these days. Again, I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THAT. I’m just comparing/contrasting. For fun.

Anyway, I survived the last twenty minutes without losing my mind, going back and forth between feeling blissed-out and on-the-verge of screaming, “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!” I kept reminding myself of what good “exercise” it was for me and how much healthier I’d be afterwards. I worried that I’d be so sick of lying there that I wouldn’t enjoy my massage afterwards (but it actually worked the other way, mad
e the massage seem longer and way better). Basically I endured the procedure a little bit more than I enjoyed it. If I get a body wrap again I will definitely bring my own cd with guided meditations or something so my mind won’t wander to torture scenes.

Finally she came in to unwrap me and I went down the hall naked to the shower with the glass-door making my clean-up efforts visible to anyone who walked by. I decided to pee in the shower instead of wasting my massage time putting on a robe and traipsing down to the restroom, but I worried about it, wondering how many other people do/don’t pee in the post-wrap shower, worrying that there’d be some way they’d know I did and would talk about that disgusting customer with the long toenails who peed in the shower. Silly fears, but still. I have them. Which goes to show you just how very VERY far away I am from ever pooping in a plastic-wrap cocoon.

*****

After the anxiety of the day BEFORE the spa and the super-extended stay I had there, I was in recovery mode all day yesterday, totally drained and exhausted and verging on a big fat headache. If you’ve never gotten body work, steamed, soaked, detoxed, etc. then you probably thing I sound like a fucking crybaby asshole, complaining about how TIRED I am after spending a day doing something that sounds like pure luxury to most Americans but that shit is MEDICINE. My throat and eyes burn after all the gunk inside me is dislodged and stirred up and swirled around and sucked out. It feels like preparation to go into hibernation, like the final step in this cleansing/healing process is to go into an induced coma for two days.

The spa experience is totally my cup of tea, though. The front desk lady seemed to think I was crazy for wanting to stay there for more than eight hours, but since I go so rarely it hardly seems excessive. It takes me awhile to really turn my brain off and melt into it, so that cuts down on the time I’m really benefiting from it, but it’s exactly my idea of the perfect mini-vacation. Alone, not talking to anybody, with scads of naked ladies walking around, walking from one hot room to another, from one pool to another, being ministered to by talented, paid hands, smelling good things, and trying to become invisible to myself.

Last week I was in a hurry to have an orgasm, so I went to *quickly* find a free amateur video of some stranger (ANY stranger) jerking himself off. This video, “A Tribute to Jodie”, looked like a winner so I grabbed my eroscillator, shoved it under the waistband of my sweats, and pressed play.

The “tribute” part of the title gave me a good hint what I’d be watching: a guy at home with his webcam recording himself jacking off onto one of his favorite photos of a camgirl or pornstar. I’ve seen these things before and have always been fascinated by them.

LET ME REITERATE: I was not in the mood to be choosy about selecting the video; I wanted to get off as soon as possible with anything remotely visually stimulating and obscene. As long as it was a closeup of a guy jerking his cock, I didn’t care. For a quick cum, homemade jerkoff videos are surefire winners for me because they’re usually the right length: they get right down to business with no distractions. Even better, there’s an extreme element of voyeurism for me especially when the guy is using a toy (like tiny fake pussies) or in some way sharing a method that is in some way humiliating/exposes more about him than just his cock. I love seeing a guy’s private masturbation ritual. The tribute thing? If I were a guy I would try to keep that secret and would be *totally* embarrassed to admit, let alone SHOW MYSELF OFF, doing it. Because it seems so humiliating to me, I *love* watching it. The notion that some guy is so fucking crazed by his desire to get off that he will DO something so ridiculously contrived and teenage-insane makes me incredibly hot.

Having said that, the LAST thing I want is for someone to record such a tribute to me if they’re planning to inform me of it/beg me to watch it. Noooooooooo, please! NO! Don’t ever do that! If you do, don’t do it expecting me to masturbate to it or tell you that it made me hot. The best you can hope for is that I’ll laugh and thank you for doing me the “honor”. Being put into a situation where I will feel *obligated* to watch it and issue a polite response (or even worse, a big description of how it made me masturbate) would totally ruin the whole thing for me. The whole point of masturbating is to DO IT ALONE, whenever you want to, without having to interact with someone. I do not want other people picking out my masturbation fodder for me because I will get all tense thinking the person expects me to drop everything and go wank. When I masturbate? I do not want to feel obligated to anyone or under pressure to perform or to flatter someone else (especially when they’ve done something as grotesque as defile my image by splattering it with their cum). I don’t want someone watching me while I take my two fully-clothed minutes slouched in my site with my hands down my sweatpants. The last thing I want is someone emailing me over and over again, “have you watched my tribute to you yet? I can’t wait for you to see it!”, or, “oh darn! I missed it! Can you do it again so I can see? After all, I recorded that JUST FOR YOU and I want to see you cum to me while I cum on you! Thanks babes!”

TORTURE!!!!

The whole hot thing about watching videos like these is that they *are* kind of gross. I *don’t* want to be there. I *don’t* want a stranger’s ejaculate on me. I *don’t* want to synchronize our orgasms in real time. The whole point of watching porn, for me, is to NOT be involved with someone else. I can’t lie — there’s definitely a freak show element to the whole thing, and I mean “freak” in the most normal sense of the word; the solitary freak we all have/are when we’re alone (and if you don’t have that freak element to you? I totally cannot relate).

I know all of this sounds crazy given that I have been broadcasting spycams since 2002, so obviously? People DO watch me masturbate! The thing of it is (and always has been) that the reason I do a lot of what I do is because *I* am a voyeur at heart. I offer these things because they are what I seek, not so much because I am an exhibitionist (which of course I *am*, a little, but not to the extent that I’m a voyeur). I know I would like to catch someone at her desk, awkwardly masturbating and not acknowledging me at all. I do not want it to be sexy or a “show”, I want it to be authentic and authenticity is often measured in my book by how ugly it is. The more unattractive it is, the better. As the masturbator? I expect the voyeurs not to try to engage me during this process. It’s *private*. That’s the whole *point*. It’s not supposed to look like porn, it’s supposed to be real, and for it to be real, you cannot interrupt or inject yourself into the scene.

One of the things that continues to be a challenge for me as a webwhore is being able to share my turn-ons without making them sound like an invitation OR an insult. I’m a very solitary, private person in many ways, so I sometimes get overwhelmed trying to preserve alone-time; I wind up going too far in my attempts to maintain distance, to the point where it backfires on me and sometimes hurts people’s feelings. How do I explain that I love watching guys jacking off on ink-rippled homemade print-outs of naked chicks or faces with their mouths open, but that when I masturbate to this I don’t want to turn it into an interactive event? How do I then qualify that to say, “UNLESS you’re paying me to interact with you while you do that, in which case it’s totally hot!” (which is true; if you pay for my time, providing I have ample amounts of it free, then I *prefer* doing shows where I get to watch someone else masturbate; I just don’t want to do that when I have a sudden 2-5 minutes when I desperately need to bust my own private girl nut).

*****

I drafted the above entry almost a year ago and never finished/posted it. Like a lot of public posts about “what makes me horny”, I feel compelled to ruin the hotness by outlining boundaries to preserve what’s left of my . . . personal space, I guess you’d call it.

The weird thing is that not long after I wrote this my feeling about it changed. I became very interested in the concept of guys jerking off on my pictures and wasn’t sure I wanted to send a message totally discouraging it. It’s something I would like to see without them knowing I’m seeing/hearing it. I do not want to be under pressure to respond to it, but in certain situations I think I’d enjoy that, perhaps if the jerker paid for a phone call for me to (gently but pointedly) humiliate him for doing it. Or INSTRUCTED him to do it again. Maybe on the same picture. Because if I were going to TELL someone to jerk off on my picture(s), I’d make sure he knew he’s not allowed to throw any of these photos away. Instead he’d have to keep every single one, including pictures of other women (with a few men thrown in for good measure). And maybe if his printer ran out of ink he’d have to reuse an already-jerked-on print-out.

This idea became so exciting to me, I began to think I’d like to collect videos of people jerking off on our pictures to post in the members-only area TrixiesHouseboy. Or sending us pictures of themselves (a la Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Happiness) in front of a whole wall of damp printouts glued up with cum.

Part of me is telling myself you don’t REALLY want to see that, Trixie. You really don’t. And another part is quite certain she does.

I’m glad there’s still no clear winner from yesterday’s pick-me-a-blog-topic post because I don’t have enough time to blog or masturbate or do anything enjoyable except snatch some tv while we’re eating as therapy to recover from the stress of . . . not having enough time/having time sucked up by STUPID stuff. Uncreative, unsexy, uninspiring, frustrating, lame-ass, stupid stuff.

Specifically? Too many hours spent over three (not consecutive, phew!) days replacing our router. Summing it up in one sentence like that hardly seems fair to me and only makes ME look stupid. Like only a dumb fuck could lose days of work on what sounds like such a simple little task. But it wasn’t simple (and even when it was, it was still excruciatingly time and money-consuming) and was connected to many other things. Being a camgirl/pornographer? So not fucking glamorous most of the time. And it’s not just me: pretty much all of my fellow camgirl/pornographer friends are constantly battling the same obnoxious tech shit that interrupts the fun parts of our jobs and makes us all want to just go bathe in gravy-covered carbs. Tech problems are the ultimate turn-off.

Sometimes when my eyeballs feel like they’re about to pop out of my head from the force of my frustration and I start hyperventilating and looking around for things to throw out the window (or AT the window while it’s still closed so they’ll both make satisfyingly loud shattering sounds), I try to calm down by asking myself, “what would I do if I were an Officer on the Starship Enterprise? I certainly wouldn’t behave like this, even if WebWhore Headquarters were about to blow up in forty-five seconds!” Patience! Faith in one’s own problem-solving abilities! Barely a sense of urgency: just a confident, one-step-at-a-time pursuit of a solution with nary a raise in my heart rate.

So far this technique hasn’t worked for me. But maybe someday it will; it’s dorky enough that it might do the trick when nothing else can. Or maybe I just shouldn’t skip my Ritalin.

*****

Tomorrow night we’re going to *try* to trek to Ron’s to do some shooting for IMakePorno. Hopefully I’ll have gotten most of my “asshole” out of my system today, part of my tax return done (I *have* to get that done, like, yesterday), my hair colored (it’s the color of faded, sun-dried feces from a malnourished cat right now) and have time to pack and plan before we get there.

I am a Starfleet Officer, though. I can do anything.

Actually, I’m like an unholy (and super-irritating) union between Barclay, O’Brien (cranky DS9, O’B) and Quark. Sprinkled with the annoyingly pompous, bossy, hypercritical, controlling, buttinsky loudness of Kira and Riker.

Yes, you *should* feel sorry for my friends and family.

I found this video while researching fat belly fetish movies to get ideas for a small plumper site I want to make with my chubby pictures:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi8S2oeccio&hl=en&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6&border=1]

Like the last video I posted, I know it’s just supposed to be “funny” but I actually adore it (and think the sprinkler and body slam shots were *hot*); you can always count on me to love videos of people dancing and grooving without trying to look cool. I mean, I also love watching people dance better, but even more I love seeing regular people expressing themselves and making their whole bodies giggle and shriek.

*****

I always intended to make a chubby Trixie site, but I have lots of ideas that I don’t have time for so I’ve never done anything with it (even though I have a couple of domains that are perfect for it: JellyRollJane.com and RubenX.com. Right now my belly is probably bigger than it’s ever been, though, so I have a few more photos than usual I’ve been reluctant to post on my regular site AND I’m constantly trying to hide how big it is during shoots; that’s SILLY since it would be so easy for us to take about 25 more pictures each shoot that EMPHASIZE my belly fat and would be marketable to a unique audience.

I do feel guilty and self-conscious about even admitting I want to segregate my roly-poly belly pictures from my other photos (the ones where I don’t make a point of showing how big my pot belly is); I know that a lot of people like the belly fat and I know that I’m always talking the big talk about sharing myself in all of my natural glory (hence the almost-in-your-face menstruation stuff, etc.) BUT I’m definitely reluctant to highlight rolls of belly fat, cellulite and double chins in the members-only area of TastyTrixie.com. It’s still all *there*; I’m not actually hiding it from members (and I do have some fairly in-your-face chub pics and galleries), I’m just not sure about taking it to the next level of really fetishizing those parts of myself and the truth is that I kind of want to.

I remember the first time we shot photos meant to augment the sight of my belly fat; it was SO AWESOME, the feeling of letting go and letting it all hang out instead of sucking it in and drawing attention to anything BUT my belly. Because I am quite chubby looking right now, I could really stand to have some fun with it instead of worrying about people who join my site not anticipating they’re getting a chubby chick. And people? Don’t even try to reassure me about this one; I’m just being realistic; YES I know there are lots of people who will adore me no matter what. Unfortunately I am neither in-shape NOR fat enough to turn-on chubby chasers to the extent of making a real living off of it. I am average; the best I can hope for with my site when it comes to my body is to attract members who are aroused by an average body type; I’m pretty sure most of those guys can tolerate and/or are aroused by a little extra padding but a REALLY bulging belly with an obvious overhang and many rolls of fat? I think that would alienate and turn-off a lot of my audience; Lord only knows I already do enough to alienate and turn-off my fans so adding the really big taboo of fat on top of that is probably not a wise business decision. Again, it’s not that I don’t show off fatness on my site (you know I love showing off the backphat, especially) but I’m concerned that if I take it much farther (belly-jiggling videos, videos of me overeating/talking about how much I love to eat/describing how I’m getting bigger, hiding toys & dildos in my folds, pooching out my belly as far as it will go, etc.) that people will be . . . confused.

I started compiling more fat-focused photo galleries today and it felt SO GOOD to look FOR really chubby pics instead of hoping not to come across them. Looking at pictures of my belly hanging over my waistband suddenly became a joy instead of a nuisance simply because I started looking at them from the perspective of people who specifically SEEK OUT that look for masturbation fodder.

While I do have some reservations about catering to fat fetishists, if I just make a small collection available OFF my main site then it won’t require a lot of time or long-term commitment (and I won’t have to pay for the fall-out of alienating the average-body fans). Part of me just really wants to give expression to the growing magnificence of this part of my body along with some of my food fantasies. I have a lot of specialty interests (gloves, bubblegum, stockings, feet, taboo roleplays, and numerous underground fetishes) but my chub is something I feel especially suited to explore right at this moment in time.

It will be a good experiment, anyway, and for those of you who *do* want to see it and are already members? I will figure out how to share it with by request and/or some of it will show up on TastyTrixie anyway in spite of my reservations and/or could be combined with FertileTrixie; the pregnancy fetish is complex enough that it also encompasses people who like seeing women growing/inflating and might crossover enough with the fat belly stuff I’m doing that it will all meld together in a delicious vat of plump ‘n pregnant stew.

Shit — I hope I’m not talking this up too much and getting people’s hopes up; I’m not talking about investing a whole lot of time in making special content like this so DON’T GET TOO EXCITED all ye fans of fat! I’m just looking forward to shooting some stuff that doesn’t require me to try to be attractive from head to toe and allows me to express another part of my personality. Fetish stuff can be such a relief to shoot because people don’t spend as much time looking at “the whole package”; you are beautiful to them just for having the right color of nail polish or a strong prescription for glasses . . . or an abundance of skin folds and wobbly flesh around your midsection.

On top of all of that, I have always wanted to see more porn featuring women who are truly average/just a little bit overweight and in porn? That’s kind of hard to find since the industry focuses on extremes.

I know there are some twisted thoughts in this post and some unclear/contradictory thinking so yeah; I know my feelings, values and thoughts are muddled and maybe fucked up. If anyone wants to leave comments, I’m most interested in looking at this from a business point of view and hearing from people who consider themselves BBWs AND from fans on whether or not belly fat turns YOU on — I don’t want to hear polite reassurances (though I thank you for your kindness), only the truth if it turns you OFF or if it’s really something you dig.

What Girls Like to Eat

Don’t hate me because I’m a webwhore, hate me because I’m an asshole:

Download File

I know I’ll feel guilty in the morning about snickering over this.

What I really want to know now is what does “Daddy” like to eat?

RECENT READING

Here are a/the few books on my recently-finished stack:

SHE’S NOT THERE – Jennifer Finney Boylan
If you saw me burst into tears in the past two days, it was because I was so touched by some of the stories in this book about a male-to-female transsexual author/professor. It’s nice to read a book revolving around a personal “special interest” story and have the person writing actually be, ummm, a writer rather than some chick with no background in writing who just has a unique tale to tell. I’m not saying it’s a brilliant or utterly flawless book, just that it’s very good, highly readable, and transcends its subject matter. Maybe, though, I’m not qualified to convincingly say it’s relevant to people with no interest in gender issues or personal experience with trans people, but I think it’s a solid book with characters and challenges recognizable to everybody: worth recommending to anyone (but especially people who are star-struck by and interested in authors).

A GUIDE TO QUALITY, TASTE & STYLE – Tim Gunn with Kate Moloney
I’ve firmly been in woman (as opposed to girl) territory for a few years now and am becoming more concerned with the way I present myself (and more righteously justified in focusing more effort on my style since I am, after all, an “entertainer” of the (supposedly) sexy visual kind. I’m beginning to recognize that having a website with pictures of me dressed up doesn’t give me a free pass to be a constant slob off-camera (or make me feel good about being a slob) so I picked up this book for inspiration AND because WE LOVE TIM GUNN and Project Runway. It was the first reality show to hook us when we finally got television and has remained the unsurpassed best, partly because the contestants have to actually exhibit both talent and skill to try to create beautiful things, and partly because it prominently features a kind, articulate person with an expansive vocabulary: Tim Gunn. The book was a fun, old-fashioned read with timeless, budget-conscious advice and his delightful personality shines out of every page. I had no idea who or what he was talking about some of the time, but whatever — fun.

SEAROAD: CHRONICLES OF KLATSAND – Ursula K. Le Guin
Another one that had me in tears a few times, but this one actually IS brilliant. And out of print. Which is fucking lame. The title sounds kind of hokey, old-fashioned, and fantasy-oriented but the book is none of those things. Every voice in it sounds real and every story feels like the truth.

*****

I’m starting to lose my commitment to trying to finish books. Not that I was ever good at finishing every book I started to read or even half of them, but I’m getting to the point where I realize it’s okay to leave books unfinished. After almost thirty years of reading I’ve learned that putting an unfinished book down isn’t a failure, it’s just an opportunity to start another book that might be more engaging. You can get a lot of insight and entertainment out of half-read books without wasting time slogging through them just for the sake of “finishing”. I’m starting to realize that nagging compulsion to finish a book I’m no longer enjoying is almost as obnoxious as a guy who keeps saying, “cum for me baby!” over and over again.