TastyTrixie.com

Archive for the ‘work’ Category

In the cabin loft where we now have a webcam thanks to H. Rugaru (formerly known as “The Hunter”) who also shot this pic right before we fucked:

Rear view of me naked except for panties down around my legs.

He wants me to keep the creampie pics from this sex session private. For today, at least.

*****

Starting today, the first Monday of 2012, I’m trying again to diligently log the number of hours I work along with formulating very specific all-day schedules and to-do lists. With three of us living and working together I need to have very good plans so that I know what I’m doing . . . and can communicate that to Delia and Hunter. I want to be doing my best every day to contribute and be healthy.

In case you’re wondering, fucking was NOT on my schedule for today (he was originally just up there to take pics of me naked!), but I still counted it as work because you could have been watching it on our spycams. It’s not a performance, but it is live content for our members. Note: I wouldn’t have counted staying in bed all day and lazily off-and-on-fucking, though, as hours worked.

If you’d like to show your appreciation for my free daily nudie pics, leave a comment and/or become a member!

JOIN my site to watch us live on cam!

I had some intense shows on cam with my big new dildo tonight including a taboo role play that produced this:

My squirt puddle on the floor next to big dildo

I know I’m cheating with the “nudie” part, but it’s pretty rare that I squirt so I want to show it off (not because I’m trying to advertise it for webcam shows since I’m not sure if it was even visible to the viewer on cam — I don’t have a lot of volume or . . . distance — but because it’s interesting). I didn’t have an orgasm (the show wasn’t conducive to putting a vibe on my clit), but it felt really really good, the buildup and gushing over and over.

Bizarrely enough there were a few moments where I thought I might have an actual orgasm too, which has never ever happened just from dildo fucking.

I think sometimes when a customer is in a show for a long time and wants a lot of fucking, I’m not trying to force an orgasm out of myself and can experience different sensations that I wouldn’t ever waste time on or be excited about while masturbating by myself, for myself. It’s pretty cool!

Note: in case it wasn’t clear or if some people don’t know, female ejaculation is not the same as orgasm. You can ejaculate without having an orgasm and vice versa.

PS – My favorite part about the above picture is how the dong is so much bigger than my feet.

FYI: I was fully nude when I snagged the picture.

It is so warm and bright blue sky-ed, I can’t believe it’s supposed to snow tomorrow! The sun is blindingly bright:

I could have stood naked in the sun for hours even though it just hailed half an hour ago:

A little bonus with my heavy hangers:

Even if it does snow tomorrow, it’s only going to be cute for a few minutes before it melts, making our trip to Seattle to spend the evening with my mom PERFECTLY SAFE and stressless. Right? RIGHT!

Thanks to my love, Delia, for continuing to drop what she’s doing to snap these naked pics of me. We got into a spat last night because of how I micromanage everything and am really hypercritical (last night it was about careful placement and handling of the spycams), so it’s not really a simple walk in the park to shoot these when “I’m like NO NO NO I want it THIS way!!” Or “THAT way!!” Somehow we still manage to have fun doing them, though.

Trixie’s Kindle. Trixie’s Smartphone. Trixie the robot, the snowflake, the shiny icon on all my computers.

Until our new computer man wiped one out and made it the snowflake named _____. So confusing . . . and if I get another horrible virus it will be _____ who’s infected and needs to have everything erased.

Who do I think I am, if all the living plastic is owned by Trixie? _____ doesn’t even have her own profile on GoodReads.

*****

Everybody who gets onto my to-fuck list does so by virtue of being exploitable by Trixie. _____ has to want to, too but I’m not sure how much.

It’s a new thing for me to even try to distinguish between mes.

*****

Just trying to raise awareness (of myself), not judging it.

I’ve got some awesomely cute pictures to post for members if/as soon as my main machine can be salvaged.

Last week my google search got all hijacked by adware that was SO SMART it disabled two anti-virus programs I used. I thought I had it all cleaned up with combofix but then I visited the same site where I think I got the first dose and it messed my machine up BUT GOOD. To the point where I asked the only person in town who I know for sure knows about our sites if she knew a good IT-type person we could trust to help us out at our house with our porn-laden computers.

SHE TOTALLY RECOMMENDED THE PERFECT PERSON!! In about two seconds flat after messaging her!! You could even have seen him on our lifecams if you’re a member and were watching.

He is trying to fix it the slow way (by backing everything up, getting rid of the crazy malware and updating all of my shit rather than wiping everything out and starting over, which would make more sense but I balked because I don’t want to have to reinstall all of the millions of pieces of software I use to be a webwhore: photo-editing, video-editing, content-processing & creation things, multiple hunks of cam software, project management & to-do software and like dozens of other things).

Sometimes bad shit happens for good reasons – I’m really grateful that being recognized in town by this one person years ago has only resulted in awesomeness and sometimes I just want to hug her super tight for her discretion and helpfulness.

Of course, my productivity has been down along with my main machine. I did edit and post a pretty funny/potentially sexy video for members and I did write a blog entry that I did not post because the formatting got all messed up, but processing some of my other porno is having to wait while a billion scans and fixes take place on my super-stuffed hard drive.

I’m pretty excited about having someone local help us with tech stuff who we’re comfortable with and I can talk to about Star Trek. I think our secret porno lives are as safe as they can be with him so we’re going to put our entire array of machines at his mercy to maintain and improve our network and systems, etc.

In the past four or five months I’ve endeavored to do many a good (or at least interesting) thing.

*Remember how I was doing that ninety day program? Which involved leaving the house and being around people every day? Well! We spontaneously decided to move in the middle of that, but since I’d made this goal I kept going even though it started to be overwhelming and piss me off. Because I’d made a commitment to doing it and thought it was pretty fucking simple and I should be able to do it. And it was supposed to be GOOD for me!

• WHAT HAPPENED: I failed to complete the ninety days. And then felt like a loser who couldn’t perform even the simplest of assignments. But really there was a lot of stuff going on and I should have QUIT when it ceased to be effective and started making me crazier. Instead I lost sight of the purpose and doggedly tried to stick to something just to try to feel like I could successfully finish something.

*We moved.

• THAT WAS HARD. But I’m so glad we did it. Kind of sucked up a month or more, though.

*Immediately after we finished moving I decided to apply for a residency thingy that every year I say I’m going to apply for and never do. I started the application before we decided to move so again put pressure on myself to FINISH something for once.

• WHAT HAPPENED: I told everybody I was busy and to leave me the fuck alone, spent hours working on it (in my head, at least) but I still didn’t finish it. The process was useful and interesting, though, and it forced me to ask two people I admire if I could put them down as references. Just having them say yes was pretty awesome and made me feel good. Another failure to finish something, but got a lot out of the process anyway.

*I socialized! In addition to the 90 day thing and the screwing around with a person I shouldn’t be screwing around with, over the past few months I’ve spent more time talking on the phone with people and hanging around with them than I have in YEARS. Still not as much socializing as “normal” people do, but I broke my carefully-written rules to limit interacting with people (particularly in times of stress, like a big MOVE) and took advantage of rare visits to WA from friends Fayette of the Cockettes, and Tara / ecowhore (formerly hobostripper). We also visited with fellow Washingtonian pals Heather Corinna and Blue, and Lightning Allie.

• ASSESSMENT: I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with these friends (or transient playmates) for a bigger sense of accomplishing more work or making more money. But I’m still not sure what quantity and frequency of socializing I can sustain over the long haul in my life and actually get things done AND have the amount of quiet time in solitude I like/need to have. Delia’s been picking up a lot of slack at home and with work to enable me putting my energy towards these social experiences. I also failed to spend enough quality time with my mom or my sister and her family during this time so I have a long way to go in achieving satisfactory balance between work, play, solitude, friendships and family. Ultimately I think a big part of the solution needs to come from being less emotionally involved or obligated-feeling when it comes to interacting with customers or FEELING like I owe special one-on-one attention to everybody who appreciates me. Because
  • I’m a failure at that anyway
  • it’s not a sustainable business model / there aren’t enough hours in the day
  • I want my work to be creating more, better and more creative, unique-to-me content and ways many people can experience it NOT overextending myself to individual people
  • My social life needs to be with people *I* choose (or am blood-bound to) and do not need to maintain a certain level of service towards in order to retain a customer
  • Basically? I need to respect my personal limitations more and establish better boundaries between my work life and my personal life. I thought I was happy with my work life BEING my personal life, but that’s actually pretty fucked up and needs to change. I still have a really difficult time in separating the two, as with the guy I screwed around with (I couldn’t tell if I was doing it just for fun or because I thought he’d be a good convenient stunt cock to make porn with; the answer is both, but I need to stop forcing everything in my life to do double duty; too often I’ve passed up good experiences because I couldn’t exploit them for work).
  • Needing to work fewer hours needs to be a higher priority / goal to work towards.
  • I want time and space to be physically intimate with more people. Both privately and for work.
  • I need to treat work more like a regular job than my entire reason for being and source of self-worth. Because sometimes I don’t do a good job or work breaks or people don’t like me and I need to still be worth something to myself even when that happens. And it’s happened a lot over the past year.
  • I need to be a better partner to Delia. Next to myself, she and my relationship with her is my highest priority in life.

• ALSO: I identified a few people I don’t want to feel so attached and obligated to and do NOT want to have boundary-hazy relationships with. People I need to distance myself from. I’m figuring out that I can continue to love people easily and with a certain level of emotional or spiritual generosity without being their friends or feeling I owe them something or even interacting with them at all. Does that kind of love have any real value? It does to me, and beyond that I need not give a shit. Nobody is entitled to my love, time or friendship. Essentially I need to be more selective about who gets inside me and how deeply I let them penetrate.

*I took non-adult pictures of a couple of beautiful local ladies for their website and ads (for their totally non-adult work). I was flattered that they asked me, but also really nervous about it and wished I hadn’t agreed to do it because it was yet another opportunity to waste time failing at something.

• THIS WAS HARD. We don’t have the equipment and I don’t have the expertise to do a great professional job at this. One of them cried when she saw the pictures because she looked (felt like she looked) fatter than she wanted to look (she’s crazy-gorgeous) and I suspect they both had really high expectations of me and my supposed ability to take flattering photos (they know we make porn). I learned a ton from this thought-provoking experience, with maybe the biggest thing being that I am really fucking brave to put so many raw naked imperfect images of my very average imperfect self on the internet. Most women in this country would be mortified and sink into a deep depression to be as exposed as I am online, even ones that are a billion five times hotter than I am. This reminds me that 1) I am awesome in some ways and 2) my work is valuable. There are tens of thousands of women who are more beautiful than I am and have bigger and/or perkier knockers than I do (or longer legs or flatter tummies or tastier feet) but very very few of them are equipped to do what I do for as many years as I have without wanting to cut their own throats and castrate all men. I’m not saying my work is intrinsically horrible and damaging, I’m saying that IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST ANYBODY WITH A VAG CAN DO.
• ALSO: I am more skilled and useful at listening, understanding and helping somebody with tearful gendery emotional body-image perceptual stuff and finding ways to put that stuff into healthy contexts than I am at being a photographer. I would rather spend time having (and becoming better at) those discussions with people than taking pictures of them. Right now neither is a priority for me, though; my priority is continuing to exploit my own high tolerance for raw exposure to get our credit cards paid off. And to steadfastly love myself while I do it. And to understand the very distinct difference between me and projected images of me.

*I did our 2010 taxes. Late again. But whatever.

• This takes me awhile, but it’s when I kind of assess our financial health and progress so for now it’s worth it for me to continue doing it myself. We’re making some progress in some ways even though our paysite income in 2011 is half of what it was when it needed to be twice as much to get ahead. So our sites need to make 400% what they’re making now to get anywhere financially. For a few years, anyway. OR we have to cam our asses off. Which is what Delia’s been doing to make up for the shortfall.

*We’re establishing better systems with the help of Lightning Allie. This includes being better organized with better plans for content production and processing, housework, debt reduction, and having some balance in our lives and figuring out what we want our lives to be like. We are no longer trying to do everything ourselves, just the two of us, or making decisions from within a weird bubble of isolation.

• RESULT: I feel a lot less anxious, a lot less overwhelmed, and like a lot more is possible by doing less myself / focusing on fewer things. And I’m enjoying contemplating and grappling with what I want those primary areas of focus to be. SEE ABOVE. And we’re getting ahead on shooting content. I feel more secure. I feel like I’m carrying much much less of a burden of memory and responsibility and obligation-to-follow-through because Allie is there to keep us on track and do a lot of the stuff that we really don’t need to be doing. I can drop balls without being scared I’ll lose them forever. It’s easier to get things done when you don’t have armfuls of bushels of balls.

Now you’re kind of caught up on tons of (the boring-to-others parts of?) my life lately. I don’t complete a lot of what I start, but when I’m okay with that I still wind up *doing* a lot. That’s pretty cool.

I started to write something else I’ve been spending time on but it felt too private to be conveyed in here in this format, so I deleted it for now.

I know this is probably a bizarre thing to post on my site, but I just found this short NPR interview with my psychiatrist:

* Psychiatrist explains why he speaks on behalf of drug makers

As you can tell by the review I posted here on RateMDs on 8/21/11, I think my doc is truly top notch so it’s weird to hear him portrayed in this sort of nefarious way. I admire that he stepped up and spoke openly about working for drug companies. He knows a fuck of a lot about drugs AND BRAINS – it’s truly amazing. I wish I could see him regularly.

Anyway, thought it would be bizarre and interesting for you to get to hear the voice of my psychiatrist.

I’ve also often wanted to share the website of my awesome in-town doc/general practitioner because he’s also super interesting and awesome, but I don’t want people in town to google his name and wind up here or for him and everyone at the office to see our porn sites (not a huge issue, but not the greatest idea, either). He has very specific, passionate, well-thought-out (and sometimes unusual) ideas about and approaches to health care, the pharmaceutical industry, being a doctor, etc. that are fascinating and informative, and make me feel really lucky to be his patient.

Professional ethics and ways people approach their work are interesting to me, and I like measuring customer appreciation, suspicion and criticism of other professionals against customer appreciation, suspicion, and criticism of sex workers.

I’m inspired by how much love and continued study my doctors put into their work and how much they are compelled to share insights and information with their patients and other people.

Now that Delia and I are all moved into the new place, we’re working hard to catch up and get ahead on shooting content and editing it for members to enjoy. I’m super excited to have a bunch of cute nudie pics to go through and get ready for our fans to jack off to.

Last week we set aside a day to take a hike and shoot me outside in the woods. Once we got to the trailhead we started things off right with a lunch of bagels, cream cheese (and lactaid) and lox all alone on the mountainside. Delia had an everything-bagel plus onions and capers, and I kept things simple with just salt on my bagel. Then we began our walk and my panties started chafing so I decided to take them off. And not just the panties, but my pants too. I *highly* recommend bottomless hiking! Maybe with actual hiking boots would be better, though:

Trixie, hiking bottomless

At least I had very very good socks, though. PERFECT socks, I’d say (thank you, Shrdlu!). And a really old Soundgarden shirt to make the whole thing SO “Seattle” (even though we feel very removed from Seattle). Yes, I did refuse to wear a REAL backpack, choosing instead to be a princess with a very light load while Delia humped in everything heavy.

Delia TS hiking with deep cleavage.

She hates that picture, so tell her you love it so she won’t get mad at me for posting it!

Flashing my hairy bush on the trail with no pants on.

The first set of pictures we shot featured a nude nylon bodysuit AmberLily gifted me . . . I wound up getting it all wet! I’m working on this gallery to share first (tomorrow?):

Teaser of me hiding my big boobs in a nude nylon bodysuit in the woods.

We didn’t encounter a single person on the trail the whole five hours we were out there walking and shooting. It was so relaxing and magical, making me feel so so happy to have an excuse to call being alone outside in the forest “work”.

Anyway, I’m happy to have a bunch of pictures and some video now, but that means the work turns indoors to sitting at the computer editing all of it and getting it in presentable form so that’s mostly what I’ll be doing over the next week. But first I’m going to see if Delia will come help me close the window in the cabin; it’s stuck open and looks like today will be the first cool, grey day we’ve had in awhile.

Hope we won’t be the only ones enjoying the full moon tonight and the onset of Fall!

I’m on the 16th day of a 90 day thing. Not a diet or a cleanse or a new pharmaceutical regimen. No, not rehab either. But I think by the 90th day it might appear that way.

The reason I’m (vaguely) sharing this is to ask people to be as patient with me as I’m trying to be with myself instead of telling myself I don’t have time or that something good is taking too long or I’ve been healthy for four days so it’s time to go back to “normal” already! It’s definitely cutting into my routine because I’m going to a support group of sorts every single day, or twice in a day if I skip a day.

I told my sister about it and she could barely believe it: “Wow, that’s A LOT of leaving the house for you, Trixie. How’s that going for you?”

So yeah, as people who are close to me know, I don’t have a lot of stamina for interacting with people or even just being around them much (even though I *love* people!). Or even just leave the house much, as my sister pointed out. I’m able to do these meetings, though, because I know how long they last and there is a structure to each one and guidelines for behavior. And because I get so much out of going, even when some of the meetings start out and I’m like, “oh my god how the fuck am I going to sit through this?!?” and then every single time IT IS WORTH IT.

*****

The really big thing that’s happened in the past couple of weeks is that I’ve asked people for help. One is for help with the above stuff and the other person is for help with stuff YOU are interested in, stuff that has to do with our porn sites! This person is super DUPER awesome. We’re gradually going to tell you more about this person, and this person may tell you more and more, too. If you’re lucky! Most of the work she’s doing is behind the scenes, back-end stuff but it will free Delia and I up from having to do it (or in my case just sitting around being afraid of doing it. SO MUCH of it).

While two weeks in is too soon to get people (me included) looking around for grand results, I do already feel immensely relieved and things look (and feel) a lot simpler than they were in my agonizing, trying-to-do-it-myself, totally-confused-and-overwhelmed brain state. We’ve exhausted ourselves over the past ten years thinking that first we had to “get rich” to hire someone to help us, insanely getting the cart WAY before the horse. Delia’s been working her ass off on cam for the past few months so tell her “thank you” for making the money to help attract the work-time of this super duper new friend of ours! And thank you to all of you who buy shows with her and memberships from us!