TastyTrixie.com

If I were a weatherman describing my outlook, I’d offer up pathos-riddled contradictions.

Sky at 4:23 pm, November 3rd, 2009

I don’t know if I feel depressed today the past three days because I didn’t get enough sleep, or if I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m depressed.

I started to go into a little more detail/troubleshooting/description but deleted it because I don’t feel like hashing it out right now; it’s boring stuff, really, about too much dreaming, supplements I’ve tried, seratonin levels in weirdos, discussions with my psychiatrist, blah blah blah.

Anyway, the GOOD news is that depression reminds me how heartbreakingly beautiful music sounded to me in the eighties. Goodbye horses indeed.

No, no no . . . the REALLY GOOD NEWS is that AmberLily is coming over tomorrow. It’s the last time we’ll get to hang out with them before they move back to California, which is also good news (because that is home for them and where they most want to be) except that it means that we’ll miss them/won’t live semi-close to each other anymore. Keep your fingers crossed that we’ll all get rich someday or at least comfortable enough that we can visit each other often. Or at least pay off our credit cards and drive our beater van down the coast without worrying too much about how we’ll pay two dozen credit card bills if we break down and get stuck.

Even though it sucks that everyone’s strapped for cash these days and on the brink of losing everything, there’s something romantic about it, too. It makes everything feel more real. Shitty, but more real. That’s one of the seductive things about depression, I think, especially when you’ve had it your whole life . . . it just feels more real and like anything better would be fake. AND SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT, with all the smiling involved.

FYI: I don’t think putting this redesign of my blog on the front page of TastyTrixie.com has been good for business. So I guess publishing this gloomy post can’t make anything much worse. But seriously, I invite you to laugh, not cry – it won’t last forever and things are not as grim as they sound, captured here like this with a black and white photo. Though I am keeping comments closed on this one. I probably just, like, ate too much sugar this week or something.

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