I know what I’m supposed to be doing now, but I’m still too afraid to really do it.
So I keep doing things I should let go of, because I think they look like REAL WORK to other people, and are more defensible (if I fail, which of course I will if I’m not doing The Right Things … then again, they’re all kinda right things, and all vulnerable to someone saying they’re wrong … so I should stop working so hard at identifying right and wrong and just identify WORK and HOURS WORKING and WHAT FEELS GOOD).
Headed in the right direction: I’m super happy to recommit myself to a set (yet flexible as-needed) swing-shift schedule. Balancing the freedom of working for myself at home with some STRUCTURE (that I really need and provides its own freedoms) is a struggle, but today felt super NATURAL for me, blocking out 2pm to 10:30 for work. Of course I started early. And I’m finishing late. And I worked on stupid things I should be paying somebody else to do. But hey … I wanted to end my day on BOOBS, not bills, so here they are!
2-10:30 tomorrow I’m going to work. On the “right” things. And not be afraid. The morning and daylight when other people at work is ALL MINE. And midnight is ALL MINE. And I’m going to be in love with all of them.