I’m experimenting with thinking of my higher power as PLEASURE. Not necessarily (in fact RARELY) sexual pleasure, but more sensual pleasures . . . looking around and noticing what looks or sounds beautiful and what would feel good to touch . . . what DOES feel good to touch. And noticing what I’m doing, assessing it, and choosing to do something more pleasurable if what I’m doing isn’t important and also is NOT pleasurable.
I came home from a meeting today where my period started and I was reminded of this experiment and what I need to practice, and sat down at my computer with a warm, wet bloody mess in my panties having already sort of forgotten all of that when a strange sensation came over my entire mind and body. It felt like I’d been meditating and my body was deeply relaxed, but it was totally spontaneous; all of a sudden my body was filled up, like I was a thick balloon and was filled up with warm, fat air, ready to rise and float heavily just inches above where I sat.
The sensation didn’t last long, but it was fucking awesome. I don’t know if it had something to do with my period or frame of mind or what.
Maybe I have a brain tumor; the doctor wanted me to go for a scan but I think she has her head straight up her ass. I do not have a brain tumor – it’s amazing that the same doctor who thinks it makes sense to only test one aspect of thyroid function (dismissing the usefulness of adding less than fifty dollars worth of additional tests) wants me to get a scan that costs thousands of dollars when I complained of having a bad taste in my mouth (which has since gone away). Well, and headaches and stuff, too. But WHATEVER.
This whole blog-on-the-front-page-of-my-porn-site thing is totally NOT working out in terms of making sales. I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I have ideas and know a million ways to address the problem(s), but I don’t have time for that (and it’s not going to work to move it back to tastytrixie.com/blog). I’m also getting really burned out on multitasking and just the general way that my job(s) work, which involve so much starting and stopping and pausing and waiting and switching gears and redoing shit. There’s a lot of repetition and no continuity. I just want to immerse myself in doing ONE THING with ONE TOOL for a couple of weeks REGULARLY and not have to fuck with all this other bullshit. The dual nature of internet work demanding immediacy (and foisting it upon you in the form of a billion interruptions) combined with so much LAGGING — slow connections, clicks-and-waits repeated over and over . . . REFRESHING; it’s taking a toll on my happiness. I’m also tired of spending so much time trying to market our sites. It has to be done, but it’s not what I want to do, at least not to the extent that I need to do it. We’ve been wearing too many hats for too many years and I’m really weary of it. My work could be so pleasurable if it wasn’t the work of seven people.
So there you have it illustrated . . . there’s just no way my blog can be MY blog and also make people with semi-hards just hitting it for the first time turn into actual paying customers. The blog is a wilter of stiff cocks (or a very SLOW builder of erections). It’s a very rare bird who’s going to **NEED** to JOIN RIGHT NOW after hitting an entry like this one or this picture with me sprouting antlers and belly rolls, no matter how charming and beautiful I think that pic is.
NOTE: I am NOT sharing these thoughts and feelings in search of advice, so please don’t interpret it that way.