Pregnant for 22 Hours

 

Delia and I went to the doctor and got some very unexpected news a couple of days ago:

Maybe we shouldn’t have immediately tweeted about it and told a few choice members of our families … but it was probably the only chance we’ll have of telling people that news. It was fun while it lasted! Stressful, but overall a bizarre-yet-positive learning and bonding experience for us. And it was so lovely reading all of the excitement and congratulations from you folks online – thank you so much for being so happy for us!

You are good people, and we experienced your well-wishes and hopes for the best to happen as real love. I hope for all of us to thrive and be joyfully aware of how much new life is around and IN us EVERY DAY, and nurture that in ourselves and each other.

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If you want to read more about what we went through a decade ago trying to get pregnant before Delia could move forward with HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and her transition, check out my blog archives at FertileTrixie.com. I still want to explore and share more about that experience and what I learned from it: that having difficulty conceiving doesn’t mean you aren’t fertile in tons of potent and amazing ways. Also I love a lot of fertility-related fetishes and taboos.

The doctor didn’t seem concerned about the false positive (which I’ve always heard is super fucking rare / weird to get), so I am going to follow up with my GP to see if there’s something wrong with me that caused it. Maybe I have a big huge hairy toothy ovarian cyst growing inside me, or a stone baby! It would explain so much, and be so much easier to take care of the fruit of our loins if we had her contained in a jar of formaldehyde.

 

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Fridays with Elvis

Using Flashback Friday as an excuse to post this from four months ago:


#fridaynight #solo #elvis

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It was an interesting masturbation session; these days I’m not in the habit of masturbating to stuff that’s not sexually explicit. There were a lot of crossed wires. And a lot of shorts.

If only I could have found just two perfect minutes of spanking and tickling … the tongue photo in action.

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15 Years (and a Decade) Ago

The first time Delia told me she loved me was 15 years ago … the day my dad died. I wish he’d been able to know her … he would have loved her so much. Their loving kindness and senses of humour are so exceptional and similar.

And just over ten years ago, near Mother’s Day of 2007, is when Delia decided to transition. My memory of that day and her announcing this beautiful change is one of the happiest and most hopeful, joyful memories in my whole entire life.

I fervently wish for everyone to be able to be their best, happiest, truest, most green-growing radiantly-thriving selves, and be surrounded by love, safety and the certainty that we all want the very best for each other, and allow each other the freedom to determine what is best for themselves. It may not be true today, and it doesn’t seem probable … but it is possible, and I want to focus on believing that kernel of goodness is in everyone as much as our capacity for fear, willfully self-centered comfortable ignorance, and cruelty.

 

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Happy Birthday / Spring Site Sale!

Today is my birthday! What do I want? Two things:

 

I already gave myself the first gift. Yesterday I sat at the computer for eleven hours tinkering with my site, and it felt GREAT! Here’s some of what I did:

  • added a sweet little video of me and my big boobs in a green lace teddy
  • moved outdated things off the members-only home page
  • revisited retro design elements I still love & want to revamp & incorporate into future designs
  • mocked up & posted a new temporary home page
    • with a bigger spot to feature new vlogs
    • vlog NOT using flash anymore
  • added links to THREE new super-unique friend sites added to our network in January that our members now have access to
  • recorded and posted a new vlog

 

It’s not perfect and feels temporary, but that’s (still) the great thing about internet publishing; no mistake or rush-job has to live on in perpetuity on your own sites, and there are always new (and old) opportunities to improve. Which is a great reminder to celebrate alongside SPRING TIME! So I did some spring cleaning to start out my 45th year in the world a little bit fresher. I turned 44 today, but I think that makes this upcoming year my 45th, right?

To celebrate my birthday and the spring equinox, I set up a sale for you! We’ll run it through this weekend and the first day of spring (March 20th):

Monthly Subscription

$15 off your first month
$9.95 for a whole month!
  •  
  • $9.95 for first month, rebilling at $17.95 each month after

  • Be my birthday buddy on a budget 😉

  •  
JOIN NOW

Big Bday Subscriptions

Gift a little extra (or a lot!)
$40 & up
  •  
  • 30-day non-rebilling memberships available at

  • $40 ♣ $60 ♣ $80 ♣ $99 ♣ $149 ♣ $199 ♣ $249 ♣ $499 ♣ $749 ♣ $969

  •  
JOIN NOW

When you join, you’ll have access to ALL of our sites: mine AND Delia’s plus seven more!

  • New updates
  • Archives going all the way back to 2002.
  • homemade in the Pacific Northwest …. so much green perfect for diving into springtime!

 

Whether you’re a member or not, thanks for visiting my blog and following our story over the years. It is a gift to me just that you keep coming back. :)

Next week I’ll start giving away books here AND share another 30-day-long FREE gift to myself with you!

Moon Mirror Monday

The moon was in Libra when I was born: forty-four years ago come Friday. And the moon is in Libra right now.
Trixie's reflected silhouette looking at the full moon

According to moonsign.today and its charmingly clunky English, people born with their moon in Libra ” frequently use the mirror [to understand themselves]. This is like the reflection of the moonlight.”

It’s fun to indulge in astrology, especially during Birthday Month and on the full moon, even if it’s nonsense. Everything in moderation, right?

I understand myself to love books. Nighttime silhouettes. Shadows of trees. Staring out and in.

#moon in #libra #twoofswords #peace #thothdeck #tarot #ladyfriedaharris #crowleydeck

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The two of swords = moon in Libra. “The intellect restrained by love”. I need to practice that.

Dancing at Sunrise

My wake-up dance-around music-for-sunrise today >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Maybe an album called “Moonbathing on Sleeping Leaves” isn’t thematically appropriate for rise-n-shine time, but I think Sky Cries Mary is perfect for most ANY magical time.

Delia and I are working on crafting a home with lots of open space — indoors and OUT — for dancing. Rolling around on the ground, jumping … RUNNING.

Stomping shaking flying leaping stretching reaching singing … hanging upside-down.

It’s more important to us than couches or bedframes or chairs. OR CLOTHES.

I don’t want to start my day reading scary news before I’ve even had breakfast, or checking email or anything else where what somebody else wants or thinks sets the tone and overshadows my own priorities.

I want to start out my day by dancing (or fucking), waking up my body by moving it.

What’s your favorite way to start your day?

I’d love to hear what your morning rituals are, if you have any … or what they would include and feel like ideally.

Starry Winter Night Stroll

We got up too-early to go dance. It was worth it, but then all we wanted was a movie and food-in-bed and murder-porn lazy-time.

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With the velvety curtains drawn around our well-fed body heat, it finally got too stuffy by other people’s Sunday-night time-for-bed standards under the sloped-ceilings of our sleeping alcove. I whined for Delia to make me a bulls-eye egg NO WAIT can we take a walk?


Out in the dark in our pajamas, strolling the silent neighborhood … so many stars. My pj’s are a soft knit dress and thin fleece hoodie: no panties, no bra. Just shuffling along. It feels balmy compared to a couple weeks ago when the moon was full and the ground hard-frozen. She finds out her new nalgene does indeed glow.

We should be walking naked. Through gardens, not towards the obscenely-bright porch lights of people who go to bed so early. We should be walking naked with bare feet. RUNNING, even. Maybe we will someday, and then come back inside to dance. Or if it’s summer … stay outside to dance. All night long.

Huglamp_16-9

There’s Orion. There’s The Big Dipper. There are billions and billions and billions of things I don’t know the names for. Just tiny little lights in darkness from where we’re moving, such tiny barely measurable distances together, walking at night towards another cold still building where we’ve danced before, and other people. Maybe for a hundred tiny little years.

HOLD MY HAND, I said. WE’RE MATES. MATED FOR LIFE.

We left the sometimes-lit straight roads for the darker curving trails. Little miniature hills roped with roots, rising and falling under our feet.


 

I can hear her downstairs, smell the buttered bread and egg she’s frying for me coming up the stairs.

Top 16 of 2016

Sixteen of my favorite and/or most important experiences from 2016:

  1. Started the year with an every-morning (for two weeks) dance experience
  2. Hired Lightning Allie to come over for a day-long project
    • exquisitely important-feeling to me because of how it felt to make her food & coffee, and how she responded to it
  3. Celebrated Valentine’s Day with Delia by taking a day-long couple’s yoga class
  4. Attended a 5-session relationship skills class
    • because I *don’t*have great relationships skills, and want to be better in my relationships
  5. My favorite guy moved far away
    • I spent more time with him in ’15 + ’16 than anybody but Delia since the year 200020170102_104731-1-commit30
  6. Went carless … and got a (mountain) bike!
    • and my body has never hurt more in my life
  7. Grandma died
    • harder for me because of sad family roles, fears and conflicts than actual death of Grandma
  8. Started taking Lithium Orotate
  9. Created & began using my own 24-hour schedule
  10. Renewed our Seattle apartment lease
    • while it sucks in some ways to be separated from my wife for extended periods of time, we’re learning a lot from it and how we want to craft our lives and work. I’m still learning
      • to let go of shame over needing and loving the vast majority) of time alone
      • how to take time off of work / not try to exploit everything for work
        • now when we spend time together the majority of it is TIME OFF, not working (this is still harder to commit to than it probably should be, but IT’S AWESOME and we’ve done a lot more special things … like 3 and 14 and lots in between
          20161125_151420-lost-lake

          That’s supposed to be me going in for a kiss at Lost Lake Cafe

  11. Braved fear of flying to visit my fave guy … and acted like a terrible brat
  12. FIRSTS: self-administered thorough enema, and MAMMOGRAM
  13. Election: forced to let go of comforting hopeful illusions | plunged into surreal scary absurdity
    • we’re on the raft of the Medusa whether we like/deserve it or not
    • grateful for reading books like Catch-22, Fahrenheit 451, The Plague (and just lots of books in general) as a teenager
  14. Delia & I celebrated our 6th/14th anniversary … by getting OUR FIRST TATTOOS!
  15. Christmas at my sister’s house … and acted like a terrible brat
    • connecting dots with 7, 10 & 11, need to do more to apply tools of 4 and 8
      • and recognize that I may be great at forgiveness but it doesn’t pan out demonstrably as love if I’m still afraid & defensive / not fully acknowledging or dealing with my hurts & needs that are still there and real consequences even if I want/can understand and forgive others
    • experienced & observed the mysterious depths of Delia’s exceptional love, patience & wisdom
  16. I *DID NOT* do a lot of things (ex. unfocused fearful nowhere-going drudge work, sex or socializing with many people) … and it was good.
    • one of the hardest (but best and most necessary) parts of pausing most of my visible work and quitting doing unsustainable work things has been losing external validation; I can see now how much of a counterproductive dysfunctional burden that’s put on my relationships
    • I’m returning to my original personal ideal of poly that’s so hard for me to not be ashamed of: my primary relationship is with my work and self. My most important & forever-partner is Delia. Realistically there’s not room for other intense & time-consuming (which I crave) secondary relationships.

My midlife crisis is winding up … things are coming together, and things are falling away. I feel like I’m getting ready to fly. Even if only in a very handicapped-wing comically human way.

Probably the biggest thing I learned in 2016 was how much I need to work on (re)building my value system and self-esteem. My happiness, sense of self, relationships, health and well-doing are reliant on being sure and proud of my values. When you and your value system and your job(s) are remarkably different from most people’s, it’s vital to have a strong tested articulated foundation you’re confident can hold you up that you don’t want to compromise.

scotch tape trump tie

My favorite image of 2016. Poignant beautiful tragicomedy.

I am (and you are too, whether you want to be or not) a designer. Being a designer is a huge part of who I am and what I value. I want to design my days, my life, my work, my home(s), and the experiences I share with others with a radiant, challenging, free, dynamic, safe, pleasurable, spiritual and sparkly set of finely-honed, timeless values.

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking forward to 2017 as much as I am, but I’m revived and relieved to know I AM SMARTER, STRONGER, MORE DECENT, HARDER-WORKING, MORE LOVING, MORE HONEST AND HAVE MORE TO OFFER THE WORLD THAN THE GUY A BUNCH OF PEOPLE MADE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Chances are, SO ARE/DO YOU! Plus a whole long list of more good stuff! I know this beyond even the slimmest, foggiest, shadow of a doubt.

In my life? I AM A SUPERPOWER … in humble submission to the superior collective goodness and love of billions of other people, creatures, stories, teachers and songs (ex. Prince, Bowie, et al).

Go in peace, and serve the LOVE (our god).

Spicy Granny Porn

Chewing on sweet stale candy last night, inspired to incorporate it in the weird granny porn I want to make:



Like what ARE these #flavors anyway? Gladiola licorice? Wax museum clitty? Uncle Monty’s after-shave-soaked balls strangled in a bolo tie? I looked it up and found them described here:

Spice drops candy is the nostalgic, candy-shop classics! Spice drops satisfy your craving for true spice flavor and old-fashioned, chewy goodness. The colorful gumdrops boast soft centers with spicy flavors of anise, cinnamon, clove, sassafras, peppermint and spearmint—each sprinkled with sugar for a sweet taste of yesterday.

As a kid I thought these were repellent, but lately I’ve had a hankering for them. I find what must be the clove especially compelling, and as you know I’ve developed a taste for anise in my sexual maturity.

Spice drops seem like holiday candy ... maybe that explains my craving.

Spice drops seem like holiday candy … maybe that explains my craving.

Somebody on Yahoo Answers described spice drop flavors in less complimentary terms:

…stop eating spice drops. You could eat old bathroom potpourri and get the same flavors. If all you have ever known for candy is spice drops, start out with a starburst. It will really knock you on your ***. It tastes like something other than a piece of tree bark that died alone in a subway car after a night of regret. If you like spice drops, then good luck with all of the radio shows you listen to and I hope you enjoy your nickelodeons.

When the young man finally takes a spice drop from her glass swan candy bowl, you know he’s lost to the silver side of the glitter mumu.

On a related note, how did you feel about Mrs. Roper in Three’s Company? I felt like Mr. Roper was mean to her, soured her on life and never gave her a chance to sparkle.

mrs roper

I didn’t understand the “nag” hag caricature they were trying to portray (or whatever they were doing; it’s been a long time since I watched it so I’m not sure). Looking at images of her now I see what my attraction was to her.

Rainshadow Sunshine

As the days get shorter, I’m super happy to live in a rainshadow where I can wake up and bask in sunshine for a few hours without cloud cover or nonstop drizzle.

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I’m also way excited about this tuna-fish sandwich. I remember hating tuna-noodle casseroles and tuna-fish sandwiches as a kid (I fucking HATED mayonnaise and the smell of hot tuna baked in goo used to gross me the fuck out so bad). But today … YUM.

 

 

In spite of feeling happy in the sunshine, I found myself asking what the fuck my purpose is. Then I turned to look out the window and this chubby little charcoal-ombre bird said TO FLY. And, like, feel the sun on your puffed-out chest!

I hate being so absent from my own site, but I’m getting better at prioritizing. Right now my top priority is redesigning the free area of DeliaTS.com. The magically-efficient good news about that is that all of the work and learning I’m doing with that project will pay off here, and on all of our other sites. Tools have changed A LOT (and so have we) since I started building websites in 2001. I’m excited to implement complex features and more-efficient methods we could only dream about fifteen years ago.

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