Woods Walk: Week 6

Fulfilled: promise to myself to walk in the woods weekly (at least).
Even though I haven’t been blogging these walks right away, I’ve been doing them … and feel happier because of it. Super happy to have gotten this one promise to my body fulfilled early this week / today. It’s been a long time since I visited this favorite local park for woods-walking.

These paths — especially where they are narrower with lots of roots, hairpins and other obstacles to navigate (not pictured here) — make me want to run run run run RUN.

I ran a little bit. Even though I felt clunky and ran out of steam fast, my body still remembered how to do it and reminded me how fast rhythm and euphoria can be mine. All mine at my own varying, self-pleasing, self-pushing pace.

It doesn’t feel like winter. It feels like spring with a very depressed sun that wants to stay under the covers and sleep a lot.

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Woods and Water: Week 4

I squeezed in a combo woods-and-saltwater walk before this week ended!

Yup – that deer was only a few feet away from me when I lumbered down the trail. I should’ve done more to scare it instead of taking a picture, but they’re so habituated to humans here it’s a lost cause.

Bluff and beach erosion are problems here (especially for people with houses built on them). I definitely worry more about rocks and earth and trees sliding down on me when I’m walking the beach than I do about tsunamis. We had a Tsunami warning in the middle of the night a few bedtimes back, but we kind of laughed it off. This time.

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Values & My Favorite Things: Week 1

Like a lot of people resolving in January to do things differently or better or more or less, I committed myself to working on my values in three tangible ways, and blogging about it weekly. The first couple of things I’m dedicating myself to practicing weekly are like a lot of people’s resolutions: go outside more! Keep this one area of life clean and pretty! Blah blah blah … you’ve heard shit like that before from all kinds of folks. But my third values-magnifier is probably not something anybody else is devoting a year of mindful practice to.

The third way I’m connecting to and meditating on my values is through an object I treasure: my dancing bananas ashtray.

trixie's dancing bananas

It’s cheap metal. I think it cost about $2.57 over a decade ago, wrapped in crinkly cellophane. I DON’T EVEN SMOKE but when I saw it, I had to have it. I’ve kept it ever since.

There are a lot of things I’ve bought compulsively, but there’s something special about my dancing bananas. I need them on my nightstand. Sometimes I forget about them, but whenever I pick them up I get a surge of some kind of rightness that cuts through everything else competing for my attention as Most Important. I experience a rare sense of easy and relaxed happiness; THIS is CLEARLY what’s most important: my dancing bananas ashtray.

If I were to measure the worth of all of my possessions against this Most Treasured ashtray and throw away everything I don’t love as much? Pretty sure my environment and priorities would be cleaner, happier, and more in keeping with my honest values and aesthetics.

Classy People with Good Taste would dismissively call it kitsch. If they were giving me the benefit of the doubt they’d assume I love it as kitsch. I DON’T. It is a fucking spiritual touchstone and perfect example of beauty in my eyes. My dancing bananas remind me what makes human so lovable and fucked-up: our imaginations.

If you do not love my dancing bananas, I’m pretty sure you’ve advanced yourself into a profound disability that renders you unable to find comfort or delight in basic human yum yum. I do not want to spend a single night in your dry complicated irrational land of sophistication. I will stay here where we tell each other stories of saucy faceless slow-dancing fruits dipping their toes in gluttony’s sweet hot goo.


 

Like many Americans, I have way too many things. Many of them I value so much that I’m afraid to use them, even though they’re mostly worth nothing. So I’m going to check in every week with my dancing bananas to remember what it’s all about, this thing called (my) life.

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Woods & Water: Week 1

As mentioned in my previous post, this year I’m building and reinforcing my value system with three different practice-and-blog series. That post focuses on values about cleanliness by practicing and showing off nail grooming. The second post and series I’m kicking off here revolves around BEING OUTSIDE. Specifically in the woods and by the water, at least once a week each (and specifically SALTwater).

So on the 6th day of January, because I made this commitment to myself (so I can feel proud of my follow-through instead of like a beach bum slacker? see also: puritanical values about work), I dropped everything else and went to the beach:

 

Normally I’d avoid the beach on a Saturday (because normally I avoid people, and normally beach + Saturday afternoon = people), but because it’s winter and it was probably going to rain, there were hardly any people at all!

So I didn’t have to figure out how to interact with anybody except fog and rain and sand and space and day meeting darkness and feet hitting ground … and that is my happy place.

So what does this have to do with values? Well … I value: my body | fresh air | sweating | taking the temperature with my skin | working to LIVE | sunlight | LIVING TO LIVE | telling time by tides and shadows | free self-health-care as valuable “work”, more valuable than any desk work | connecting with what is REAL under my feet | my exceptionally good fortune in living in this time and place out of all of the times and places humans have existed | solitude | the colors green the colors brown the colors grey the colors colors colors blue yellow brown green green green green NIGHT | the enormity of sky | seasons | my freedom | my ability to exercise my freedom and to choose what is healthy(iest) | having a platform to celebrate and serve what I value and what sustains life | bunches of other good shit like just BEING ALIVE

Basically: I AM SUPER FUCKING LUCKY I CAN WALK ON THE BEACH EVERY DAY. Whenever I want. And very often have it all to myself: way more quiet, peace, and solitude than the vast majority of people on this planet have access to.

I value quiet, peace and solitude. And huge bodies of saltwater. I feel some kind of a huge moral ethical human spiritual obligation / necessity to feed on my good fortune and revel in the pleasure, nutrition and healing it gives me to be out there, in what little there is left for however long it and I linger.

 

 

The time & weather when I started my walk, and when I ended it:

winter weather in port touchdown

For that first week of January I did my woods and water walk all in one outing, hiking up the hill from the beach as it got dark. The trail was steep, slippery, and getting harder and harder to see, but I wanted to be speedy to cover as much ground before it got totally dark; this was a fun extra-sensory challenge to really focus on FEELING my footing, being aware of every step and seeing with the soles of my feet.

drainpipe near dusk

This wet walk alone up an eroding hill intensified my appreciation of the book I’m reading (It), remembering what it’s like to be a kid roaming around outside relishing freedom, suffering from fear, and just being alive outside with your heart beating fast.

Didn’t your values seem a lot clearer when you were a kid than they do as an adult? I want to be as clear as a childabout the value and rightness of certain things. Like mud puddles.

twilight alone

Being outside alone while it got darker and wetter and darker I felt more and more like myself, and giddy about it.

In some ways I’m not even sure what this word “values” means and how to talk about them meaningfully or accurately (is that possible?). But the darker it got and the more sure I knew where I was and how to get somewhere else, the more I remembered who I am and felt happy about the rightness and certainty of it: I’m a night person who loves being alone in my body outside.

I would rather listen to water dripping off of different things onto different surfaces than people talking words. Part of valuing these things – night, solitude, rain, outside, wet sounds – is valuing myself for being the kind of person who runs sopping wet through the dark alone in winter.

Note on blocking out part of our hometown name: it’s not a secret on our sites, but I don’t want to make it THAT easy for no good reason. Plus it’s more fun for you to read if it’s a blank you can fill in with your own idea of a perfect place to live!

VALUES and Nails: Week 1

VALUES are one of my big ongoing personal/spiritual/work projects. The (free, awesome) relationship skills class I took in 2016 taught me how much work I need to do on my own value system to be a better, happier person in relationship to other people and myself (and to work).

I wish I could say I’ve completed working on my value system in the two years since then, but I’m still wrestling around with it. Here’s what I want to do:

IDENTIFY & CLARIFY MY VALUES

What do I value?

ASSESS

how my values do and don’t fit in with other people’s

ARTICULATE

Be able to confidently & coherently articulate my values with pride

PRIORITIZE MY VALUES

What do I value MOST? Which values will I choose to navigate by?

LIVE IN LINE WITH MY VALUES

Commit to practicing and living in line with my values, securely relying on what I feel and have thoughtfully determined is good, beautiful, healthy & human.

This year I picked three straightforward, basic, tangible ways I can practice living in line with my values. One is to take care of, enjoy and present my fingernails and toenails in ways that are in line with my aesthetics, and reinforce my personal values around cleanliness, gender, time and money. I’ll also blog about the other two soon.

My goal is to do all of the above with my nails this year. How do I think hands and feet and nails should be cleaned and presented, and how important is it?

Here’s how I plan to live more in line with my values in 2018 by focusing on my nails:

  • check in with myself on a weekly basis
  • share pictures of how well I’m practicing hand, foot and nail hygiene
  • reflect on experiences, values and issues related to hands, feet, nails, and being clean and presentable
  • welcome and encourage other people to reflect on and talk about individual and cultural values around cleanliness, presentation, investments in body maintenance and presentation, etc.
  • celebrate and feel good about my body and healthy values

Cleanliness and personal hygiene are super deeply emotionally value-loaded bundles of standards and procedures for living and doing and loving and judging ourselves and each other. What is clean and dirty are some of the very first and most important things we’re taught. Pretty much immediately after being told over and over and over again to identify ourselves and each other as either boys or girls; I’ve experienced values about gender and cleanliness as being deeply (and dysfunctionally) intertwined.

I feel shame and embarrassment over that picture of my toenails. Even though I spent time and resources to maintain them (tea tree oil, letting them breathe/no nail color in months, pushing back cuticles with orange stick, exfoliating soles and calloused places, rubbing minty lotion on them at night, keeping clean underneath the free edge) in the weeks preceding this, they do not meet my standards (and I’m painfully aware they don’t meet other people’s standards). THOSE NAILS ARE TOO LONG!! They need to be trimmed and filed! They’re not pink-white enough / they’re too old and yellow-y looking! The cuticles are still messy! And that’s not even getting into judging the aesthetic value of my feet and skin. And my pilled-up leggings.

Compared to my toenail picture, I feel only a little embarrassment over my fingernails on the same day, which is funny because they are MORE out of whack with my personal values (I like short, shiny, well-groomed, super clean fingernails) than my feet are. Maybe because aesthetically I think my hands are more beautiful? More likely because I’m overly aware of how many people think feet are dirty and gross and that you’re a slouch if you don’t trim your toenails to the quick on the regular.


Maybe talking about values and cleanliness and gender aren’t the porn you came to my site trying to find, but they have SO MUCH to do with whether or not we feel good about our bodies and whether or not we feel good experiencing sexual pleasure. My relationships and continued work as a webwhore depends on me peeling back all of the layers and lessons I’ve gotten about gender, cleanliness and personal presentation to be realistic about what work I invest myself in, and to find healthy ways to let go of gigantic resentments I have about the absurdly different ways men and women are taught to clean and present themselves.

Are you interested in any of these topics: values, beauty standards, cleanliness, pictures of hands and feet, gender, and personal grooming? Or do you think it’s just totally weird for me to go into this remedial examination of fingernail clippings like they’re spiritual tea leaves for 2018?


 

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New Vlog for Members

Do you like listening to me chat and struggle with my words with my cleavage bared and my hands fluttering wildly? If so, you’ll enjoy the new year vlog I posted for members yesterday!

JOIN with HALF-OFF a site membership for access to videos & pics I shoot of my wife, and ~15 years of my big natural boobs, expressive hands & a veritable shit-ton of rambling (my members-only area is included with Delia’s) >>>>>

Happy New Year!

full moon happy new year

I’m stoked about the new year!

Normally the New Year holidays depress me and make me feel (even more) weird & alienated from “normal” people, but the longer Delia and I are together and the more I get comfortable with my introversion, the happier this holiday is for me. This is the second year I’ve used the Dragontree Dreambook & Planner (I get the PDF version and print it out myself at home). I love the new year invitation to spend time planning, focusing on my own values and visions and wants.

While I don’t feel like I’m where I “should” be at this age, I’m happy that I keep making (crooked, jaggedy, sometimes backsliding) progress. The gift of this past crazy-ass year in the states has been confirmation beyond any doubt that people — ALL people, just about — are fucking crazy.

naked new year reflection

We can comfort ourselves into abandoning our best selves or make ourselves MORE crazy by measuring ourselves against each other: our sanity, our normalcy, our financial success and accomplishments, our appearances, our ways of expressing ourselves, our guilt and complicity, our contributions and our ability to fit in and obtain approval from each other. 2017 insisted it’s best to set that yardstick of “normal” on FIRE and live by our own values, guided by something higher and brighter and rooted deeper and stronger into the earth and the best purest efforts of humankind since we arrived here. And if that is too much, it may be just as wise to dance and fuck and scream and give up everything BUT embracing the insanity. And reading all the books with all the answers and timeless questions frustrated wise folk have been trying to give and ask one another and the rest of us since the beginning of time.

It’s absurd how much we care and how much we kid ourselves. But fuck it: I’m here, I’m alive and I want to be fully human: that’s what I’ve been given. So I took off my clothes and stood outside at midnight, laughing at my reflection in light and shadows both natural and unnatural. Believing in my sanity and rightness more than all the fireworks bombing the neighborhood. More than all the flying champagne corks in the whole wide world.

Maybe my plan for 2018 is to step up naked in the outside-air to every door and mirror on my path, day or night, winter spring summer fall. Confident in the knowledge — not a guess or suspicion, but the CERTAINTY — I am behaving as best a sensible rational fleshy LIVING human can. I hope you have the freedom and resources to do the same (or whatever is best for YOU in your life) this year!

We’re currently offering HALF-OFF site memberships to help you beat the winter blues my members-only area is included with Delia’s

Solstice

It’s that dark time of year … and the shortest day of the year. I’m super happy to report that the long nights and lack of daylight hours feel cozy to me this year … but I’m glad it’s solstice so we can start shaving some gloom off of the super-long nights.

Where we live in Washington state we do have more daylight hours than in, say, Alaska, but things are not as balanced as they are in Southern California.

Semi & rusty mermaid beater: quintessential Western Washington paint jobs and colors as the sun goes down sooooo early.

Here’s how our daylight hours compare on the West Coast:

  • San Diego (south of us, close to Mexico) has TEN HOURS of daylight on winter solstice. Four hours and 19 minutes less than they have in June.
  • We have less than EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS of daylight in Seattle-ish today. Seven and a half hours less than in June.
  • In Anchorage they have LESS THAN FIVE AND A HALF HOURS of daylight. Almost fourteen hours less than on summer solstice.

Having relatively mild weather with noticeable differences between the seasons is part of why we love living in Western Washington. Every season is distinct without the differences being extreme or unmanageable. They’re enjoyable. But taking Vitamin D — and anti-depressants during these dark months is advised.

west coast daylight hours comparison

So today we basically have only HALF of the day we have on the 21st of June … especially when you consider the tyranny of daylight savings time wasting the sunrise on groggy wage slaves and those with super long commutes; the only time I’ve been up to see the sun rise this year has been when I’ve stayed up all night, which I love doing.

One of my favorite things about this time of year is it’s also when Delia and I got married. Before all of the Christmas craziness sets in we get to have our special holiday together, just the two of us.

One of my favorite anniversaries we took a long long long long long walk — without even planning to take such a long long long long long walk — through the woods, on the beach, and through the woods some more while the damp gray light got denser and thicker and darker and then we were running and laughing through dark thick wet static trying to beat the night back to our car. For hours we just walked and walked, barely talking. And when we did communicate with our voice boxes half the time they were animal sounds or exclamations. Not so much words.

Maybe that is why winter is getting easier for me.

 

We’re currently offering HALF-OFF site memberships to help you beat the winter blues my members-only area is included with Delia’s

Thanksgiving Cam Competition

Delia & I are spending Thansgiving apart and working all weekend … including having a friendly little competition to see which one of us can make more money on cam during the holiday!

Trixie and Delia on cam

Which one of us do you think will make more money on cam during the holiday?

I’m pretty sure Delia will have no problem kicking my ass, but little games like this motivate me. Even when I know I won’t win. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t even shower today, let alone put on makeup and get on cam.

Where to go on TrixieCams for chat & camshows with us: MY PROFILE | DELIA’S PROFILE

If I hadn’t already sold Delia on this little informal contest earlier this week, I’d just play the webmaster game today like a dude would: INVISIBLY. I started building an app for our fans the other night, and I’m so excited about it I really just want to work on that until it’s ready for you guys to install & enjoy!

Pregnant for 22 Hours

 

Delia and I went to the doctor and got some very unexpected news a couple of days ago:

Maybe we shouldn’t have immediately tweeted about it and told a few choice members of our families … but it was probably the only chance we’ll have of telling people that news. It was fun while it lasted! Stressful, but overall a bizarre-yet-positive learning and bonding experience for us. And it was so lovely reading all of the excitement and congratulations from you folks online – thank you so much for being so happy for us!

You are good people, and we experienced your well-wishes and hopes for the best to happen as real love. I hope for all of us to thrive and be joyfully aware of how much new life is around and IN us EVERY DAY, and nurture that in ourselves and each other.

IMG_7859


If you want to read more about what we went through a decade ago trying to get pregnant before Delia could move forward with HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and her transition, check out my blog archives at FertileTrixie.com. I still want to explore and share more about that experience and what I learned from it: that having difficulty conceiving doesn’t mean you aren’t fertile in tons of potent and amazing ways. Also I love a lot of fertility-related fetishes and taboos.

The doctor didn’t seem concerned about the false positive (which I’ve always heard is super fucking rare / weird to get), so I am going to follow up with my GP to see if there’s something wrong with me that caused it. Maybe I have a big huge hairy toothy ovarian cyst growing inside me, or a stone baby! It would explain so much, and be so much easier to take care of the fruit of our loins if we had her contained in a jar of formaldehyde.

 

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Fridays with Elvis

Using Flashback Friday as an excuse to post this from four months ago:


#fridaynight #solo #elvis

A post shared by Trixie Fontaine (@tastytrixie) on

It was an interesting masturbation session; these days I’m not in the habit of masturbating to stuff that’s not sexually explicit. There were a lot of crossed wires. And a lot of shorts.

If only I could have found just two perfect minutes of spanking and tickling … the tongue photo in action.

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