New moon in Pisces | day 36 of my cycle became day 1 | I rode the ferry back to Seattle.

At The Neptune, which used to be a movie theatre where I think I saw either The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi with my family . . . or maybe I’m thinking of The Coliseum (maybe my mom remembers and will tell me):

Neptune awash in colors of the sea: Seattle

I reunited with Delia there so we could go to a show: Greensky Bluegrass (from Delia’s home state of Michigan).

Greensky Bluegrass in Seattle

It’s good to be in front especially when people can actually play instruments for real. My favorite parts were their longer bluegrass solos and woogier progressive instrumental jams, especially when the bass vibrated our chests.

I thought their opening band (Tumbleweed Wanderers) had a great repertoire of songs that were perfectly accessible without being specifically familiar with them at all.

***** probably going to regret posting this but anyway: *****

The population of our home for the past twelve years is notably older. The median age is 53 years old. So walking around Seattle’s University District was BIZARRE for me. I never spent time there, for one, but when I did go there (just to see movies) I was that age. Now I’m TWICE that age. It was all very alien and adorable, like being on a movie set where all of the extras don’t even know that they’re in a movie and just think they’re at camp or something. That is how far removed I am from college populations.

I know some of you imagine my wife and I enjoying it like cougars on the prowl, but I don’t feel that way at all (except for times like this and stuff). I feel more of an arms-length kind of respect and appreciation for younger people (which is probably just as disrespectful as an exploitative feeling would be, and just rooted in being isolated from large and diverse crowds of people for so long partly due to location but also my tendency to avoid spending time around lots of people). My feeling when I see folks in the meatworld in their teens and twenties is admiration, happiness and relief, and a mixture of “very nice & cute & lovely / but not for me / and so glad I don’t have to be that age again”.

I’m still uncertain about shooting porn or having recreational sex with people of that age. I remember young men and women in their late teens and early twenties thinking I was an “older woman” when I was only 26, 27, 28ish. Now that we’re in our forties there’s no question about it – we are their parents’ ages at a time when the difference between a freshman and a senior is HUGE to many of them.

Yes, I think they’re sexually delicious when I look at pictures and porn, but I’m not sure if I can feel that way about them in real life. I think the protective THOSE-YOUNG-PEOPLE-ARE-NOT-FOR-DIRTY-OLD-MEN feelings might be too strong for me to overcome. Which is somewhat condescending, I know, and also probably a function of wanting to maintain the erotic taboo of objectifying them as fantasy masturbation fodder and playing WAY too much into the (lack of) age factor.

Basically: I kind of feel gross about myself either way I slice it.

I’d feel better about it if we were rich enough to shower them with money. That is the only decent way to be indecent (and not in a shitty I-own-you way now let me tell you how to live your life blah blah blah, but in a genuinely appreciative way that recognizes YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE THE FIRM YOUNG FLESH EXPOSED TO YOUR DIRTY EXPLOITATIVE EYES kind of way). Of course I think forty-something women should be similarly worshiped, though.

I’m probably making WAY too much out of something that is healthiest when it’s not treated like a big deal or any of my business to worry about. Except that it IS my business as a pornographer (who also loves kinky-yet-old-fashioned role plays) to make big deals out of milking every little potential sexy hot button I possibly can, and agonizing over the horribly compelling naughty juiciness of hot college pussy and painfully-rigid unwilting boy cock to soft experienced women of my age and all of the men who pay money to jack off looking at the things we get to do with ourselves and allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the people out there who want to fuck us.

Louie / SO OLD / duh young pussy smells good:

So maybe I should go ahead and make dates with all of these boys who want to pretend I’m their mommy. Including the one who has a picture on his dating profile with his friend who I’m pretty sure is a kid I actually saw being born / coming out of MY friend’s vagina a couple of decades ago.

And I can impress them by being SO OLD that I saw the very first Star Wars movie when it first came out . . . AT A DRIVE-IN.


At the concert I had the TOTALLY APPROPRIATELY CENSORED pleasure of standing at the stage next to a super cute SELF-POSSESSED articulate SOBER young lady (with awesome boobs stretching out her t-shirt). And all I wanted to do was make sure she got home or back to her dorm safely and had a nice night out on her own without anybody fucking with her. Because in real life those are my actual maternal instincts.


Long day traveling to and from Seattle, so all I’ve got today is a snap of me hanging out in one of my favorite buildings while Delia had fun with Mistress Matisse and an admirer:


We’ve been hunting for an apartment to make it more practical (and more FUN) for us to shoot with and work with friends in Seattle . . . we think we found the perfect spot!

Right now we’re waiting for approval, so keep your fingers crossed for us. :) We’ll still be calling where we’re at “home”, but I’m super duper excited about the adventures (and libraries and museums time) we’ll have with a (very small) part-time crash pad downtown. The long drive is just way too exhausting and places too many limits on fully enjoying ourselves when we do make it into Seattle.

Let’s  just hope that when/if they google where our 1099s come from they don’t blacklist us for being in the porn industry. It would be much better if they recognized how enchanted other residents might be to have such colorful and interesting people in their midst, right?

Book Day

I kind of took this day off while Delia went to Seattle to shoot.

Mostly I read this book. As you can tell, I loved it. Unless I misunderstood, it gently and sweetly reconciled the Madonna/whore thing. One of the many things I didn’t see coming or I probably wouldn’t have picked it up in the first place / would have been skeptical and more critical, maybe.

Steamy Cuppa

It’s the right time on the calendar for a healthy woman of child-bearing age to ovulate. I feel like I’m ovulating. My goo looks like I’m at that stage. But my fun little chemistry set test sticks say that I’m not. But maybe that’s because my hormones are too diluted in my pee. Here’s a steamy mug of my piss from today:


Warm mug of my fresh, almost-clear urine.

That wasn’t all of my pee; the little mug couldn’t hold it all (and doesn’t need to).

I’m mostly taking today off to catch up on sleep and rest after an impromptu trip yesterday that had us coming home very late, and me not going to sleep until after 0600. So I doubt there will be a “real” nudie pic of today, especially since Delia had to go back into Seattle today (I was way too tired to go with her).

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