New moon in Pisces | day 36 of my cycle became day 1 | I rode the ferry back to Seattle.
At The Neptune, which used to be a movie theatre where I think I saw either The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi with my family . . . or maybe I’m thinking of The Coliseum (maybe my mom remembers and will tell me):
It’s good to be in front especially when people can actually play instruments for real. My favorite parts were their longer bluegrass solos and woogier progressive instrumental jams, especially when the bass vibrated our chests.
I thought their opening band (Tumbleweed Wanderers) had a great repertoire of songs that were perfectly accessible without being specifically familiar with them at all.
***** probably going to regret posting this but anyway: *****
The population of our home for the past twelve years is notably older. The median age is 53 years old. So walking around Seattle’s University District was BIZARRE for me. I never spent time there, for one, but when I did go there (just to see movies) I was that age. Now I’m TWICE that age. It was all very alien and adorable, like being on a movie set where all of the extras don’t even know that they’re in a movie and just think they’re at camp or something. That is how far removed I am from college populations.
Sweet Jesus I have't been amongst crowds of certain populations (college kids?) in such a long time it's like I'm on an alien planet. Cute!
— Trixie Fontaine (@tastytrixie) March 2, 2014
I know some of you imagine my wife and I enjoying it like cougars on the prowl, but I don’t feel that way at all (except for times like this and stuff). I feel more of an arms-length kind of respect and appreciation for younger people (which is probably just as disrespectful as an exploitative feeling would be, and just rooted in being isolated from large and diverse crowds of people for so long partly due to location but also my tendency to avoid spending time around lots of people). My feeling when I see folks in the meatworld in their teens and twenties is admiration, happiness and relief, and a mixture of “very nice & cute & lovely / but not for me / and so glad I don’t have to be that age again”.
I’m still uncertain about shooting porn or having recreational sex with people of that age. I remember young men and women in their late teens and early twenties thinking I was an “older woman” when I was only 26, 27, 28ish. Now that we’re in our forties there’s no question about it – we are their parents’ ages at a time when the difference between a freshman and a senior is HUGE to many of them.
Yes, I think they’re sexually delicious when I look at pictures and porn, but I’m not sure if I can feel that way about them in real life. I think the protective THOSE-YOUNG-PEOPLE-ARE-NOT-FOR-DIRTY-OLD-MEN feelings might be too strong for me to overcome. Which is somewhat condescending, I know, and also probably a function of wanting to maintain the erotic taboo of objectifying them as fantasy masturbation fodder and playing WAY too much into the (lack of) age factor.
Basically: I kind of feel gross about myself either way I slice it.
I’d feel better about it if we were rich enough to shower them with money. That is the only decent way to be indecent (and not in a shitty I-own-you way now let me tell you how to live your life blah blah blah, but in a genuinely appreciative way that recognizes YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE THE FIRM YOUNG FLESH EXPOSED TO YOUR DIRTY EXPLOITATIVE EYES kind of way). Of course I think forty-something women should be similarly worshiped, though.
I’m probably making WAY too much out of something that is healthiest when it’s not treated like a big deal or any of my business to worry about. Except that it IS my business as a pornographer (who also loves kinky-yet-old-fashioned role plays) to make big deals out of milking every little potential sexy hot button I possibly can, and agonizing over the horribly compelling naughty juiciness of hot college pussy and painfully-rigid unwilting boy cock to soft experienced women of my age and all of the men who pay money to jack off looking at the things we get to do with ourselves and allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the people out there who want to fuck us.
Louie / SO OLD / duh young pussy smells good:
So maybe I should go ahead and make dates with all of these boys who want to pretend I’m their mommy. Including the one who has a picture on his dating profile with his friend who I’m pretty sure is a kid I actually saw being born / coming out of MY friend’s vagina a couple of decades ago.
And I can impress them by being SO OLD that I saw the very first Star Wars movie when it first came out . . . AT A DRIVE-IN.
At the concert I had the TOTALLY APPROPRIATELY CENSORED pleasure of standing at the stage next to a super cute SELF-POSSESSED articulate SOBER young lady (with awesome boobs stretching out her t-shirt). And all I wanted to do was make sure she got home or back to her dorm safely and had a nice night out on her own without anybody fucking with her. Because in real life those are my actual maternal instincts.