TastyTrixie.com

Posts Tagged ‘debt’

2007 was the year Delia decided to transition and our year of trying to get pregnant and slowly failing. 2008 we continued trying, month after expensive month and eventually stopped trying, and then started AVOIDING getting pregnant as I got crazier and crazier. 2009 was really a year of recovery from a bunch of things, mostly Delia focusing on her sobriety and me going back on the pill after realizing my infertility and insanity were inextricably linked to my endocrine system and brain being pretty damned unhappy, and us being able to just enjoy spending time together without drinking or dogged conception attempts getting in between good, old-fashioned LOVE.

Head, hair & hands chewed off of angelic ornament courtesy of mice in our attic.

So. We basically made the exact same amount of money each of all three years when last year we really NEEDED to basically double our income. Trust me, I’m VERY thankful things held steady for us during years when so many other people lost jobs and so many other businesses saw drastic declines in sales. Unfortunately it just wasn’t good enough for us to come into 2010 without very serious debt problems.

I’ve been late filing my taxes and on payment plans a lot over the past seven years, usually just barely managing to clear enough room on credit cards to pay off the previous year’s payment plan so I could get a new one. This time around we couldn’t even do that so now we’re going to be very fucked — like filing for bankruptcy fucked — if the IRS doesn’t let us put two years worth of taxes on one payment plan AND we manage to make twice as much money pronto. Note: I am *not* complaining about the IRS in any way here; they are always really helpful on the phone and provide ten times better customer service than I’ve EVER gotten from ANY bank or credit card company.

My optimism has stayed bright over the years because I don’t think I’m being unrealistic; I know doubling sales sounds really insane to other people, but we honestly do not make as much money as we *should* — it’s not like I’m asking the universe for a billion dollars or anything. It’s a very reasonable goal; we should easily be able to treble Delia’s site memberships. SHOULD be able to. But I’m beginning to have my doubts, or at least I feel gnawed on by enough doubt and years of building pressure that it makes me very gloomy at times. New bills always seem to creep in just at the nick of time to eat away any steps we make forward, and lately have been setting us back a ton. Right now I’m really concerned that we’re demanding too much from our server and that we’ll need additional hosting to promote our sites properly and have room for more content.

Mohawk styled by mouse teeth.

After getting certified mail from the IRS on Monday saying YOU MUST PAY ALL OF THIS NOW I held it together pretty well until the middle of the night after working hours and hours to just get routine stuff done on our sites, nothing close to anything that would help us raise an extra fourteen thousand dollars right away, and I just totally freaked out.

When I’m nearing the boiling point I tend to start doing Angry Housework. I don’t do much housework in the first place, so you know if you see me with my mouth set in a grim line, whirling around in the kitchen or with a laundry basket or a scrubbing sponge, I AM ABOUT TO COME UNHINGED. Which is totally what happened on Monday when I decided we needed to pull our last ripped fitted flannel sheet off the bed. And couldn’t find any sheets that fit to replace it. Because our two beautifully soft flannel sheets finally bit the dust, wore thin and just RIPPED, right? From overuse/too many years of wear. It’s at a time like that, when I’m really exhausted and sleepy and my bedroom safe haven is in a shambles that I’m not sure I can even keep breathing, let alone be nice to anyone or magically WORK AT HOME AND DOUBLE YOUR INCOME **insert sparkly-toothed smile here**!!! It just felt like everything was falling apart all the way down to our fucking bedding. It’s not like we’re living a life of luxury with silken bedclothes and fancy sports cars. I mean seriously — you should SEE our vehicles, one of which was given to us for free and the other only cost us $500. I’m going to have to cancel my health insurance (which I only got because we were trying to get pregnant) and I mean it for real this time, we’re getting rid of DirecTV.

Anyway, I know it’s all going to work out. I mean, it has to. Right?

One of the things I need to work on most is making my health (eating right and getting exercise and down time to myself and with Delia) my top priority because I learned last year that my brain is really the first to go. Sitting at the computer nonstop and working extra-extra-hard and never leaving the house or taking whole days off winds up being totally self-defeating.

Also, I NEED MORE FUCKING. Because I get very fucking bitchy when I go too long without sex.