Tunnel Running

We got out of the house to exercise before we even ate our Thanksgiving dinner, absorbing as much of the limited late-fall sunshine as possible before it went down in the four o’clock hour.

Part of our new workout together involves running through dark tunnels:

light & stairs at end of tunnel

It’s a good challenge for me to not be afraid even though my visibility is limited. I can see Delia ahead of me and know that she didn’t run into or trip over anything, so why is my body stiff and my steps reluctant like I’m bracing myself for something bad to happen?

I can see and hear enough to move forward without being so scared, and just enjoy the sound of our footsteps echoing alone down here together, and the change in sound when we slosh through shallow puddles.

running through wet tunnel

Maybe because I actually have led with my nose straight into rusty doors down there when I was practicing being fearless. I didn’t die, though. So I keep on practicing and am grateful when other people lead. When I try to? Somebody usually gets hurt. Yes, this might also be a metaphor for current polyamory challenges and learning and trepidation and fears and unique fun.

sweaty sports bra & panties nude

Hanging onto sweaty post-run sports bra & panties

sweaty & naked in fall

Heading out for a shower in the cabin.JOIN to see more naked pictures from where we live!

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More Morning Sun

Woke up to another beautiful morning:

Trixie's puckered morning breast

I ruined it by tormenting myself with guilt over sleeping in, forgetting that it’s okay if I want/need more than seven hours of sleep.

So far I’ve listened to music, had a good long stretch, masturbated a couple of times, and not eaten enough. I don’t want to waste the few daylight hours we have sitting at the computer. I can do that now that the sun’s going down. I might be up very late tonight I think. Editing pictures and/or videos and/or blog drafts. And/or maybe learning how to use lightroom so our photo assets can be found and utilized more easily for lots of different projects.

I feel overwhelmed and afraid I’m incompetent and we’ll never get ahead and everything is going to fall apart and I’m letting Delia down. Only because reality is such sharp contrast to how excited I am about all kinds of POSSIBILITIES and POTENTIAL! I’m exhausted by imagining how to make any of it come to fruition when just checking my email takes an hour. Without even responding to any of it. I’ve been working on managing my time more closely and working with my brain, but it’s gotten a little depressing because . . . my attention is extremely difficult to manage.

I’m worn down and PETRIFIED of how much time and resources we need to invest in buying new tools and learning new things and developing better procedures (like learning Lightroom / adopting a whole different way of editing and managing our photos for more robust marketing and selection and building galleries, and hiring people to help with such things which means managing them and being interrupted by them) that are not really creative.

Like . . . how am I ever going to make a ridiculously ambitious (and just plan ridiculous) XXX movie like Death Metal Mommy when just doing a half-assed job of managing our bills and money takes me four hours a week?

Now that some of my unrealistic romantic-porntastic attachments to Taurus have been checked AND I’m physically healthier AND I’ve refined my approach to shooting with new people (nutshell: not going to shoot WITH them first time), I’m picking up some of those threads I let drop and also making some new contacts. Like . . . why in the world did I not respond to the guy in the kilt a year ago. WHY?????? Who as it turns out is totally switchy and into doing anything I want him to with my wife ON CAMERA FOR THE WHOLE INTERNET TO SEE. Oh . . . I know why. Love. And secrets. And my mid-life crisis. And trying to suck up life without exploiting every morsel of it for our porn sites.

What a crock of shit.


From now on I should only be in love with 1) my wife and 2) money.

Just kidding. Sort of. I’m a little depressed and feel like we need to be rich enough a year from now when our Seattle studio lease is up for Delia and I to have the living/working spaces we need to be productive AND to not be spending this much fucking time apart. I don’t need or want a lot of interaction on a daily basis, but not seeing my wife at all for up to a week at a time this often is really not enhancing my productivity. Need healthy balance.

I’m just trying to remember that doing something is better than doing nothing. Even if it feels worse to try and make so little progress. So many things started and left undone. Sigh.

Man, I really fucked shit up a lot last year/2013. REALLY FUCKED IT UP.

Sunny November Morning Alone

I got over being glum about Delia going back to Seattle last night, and just got excited about returning to the cabin loft where I haven’t slept alone in maybe a month.

Trixie wakes up to sun in cabin

The cabin cams even managed to stay connected all through the night (not that I did anything exciting to watch)!

fall morning sun on Trixie's boobs

I’m going to let my hair stay greasy today and my clothes be slouchy as I have no car to take me anywhere people might see and be offended by me (not that this is even a concern in our town), and concentrate on work. Probably work on editing pictures and video of/with beautiful young man I’m WAY shamefully overdue on getting back to him. Since I want to get him over here soon to shoot more of/with him.

trixie yawns big natural boobs

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No-Sun Day Happiness

It was DARK and rainy this afternoon!

happy Trixie, dark day

But I exercised and got all sweaty — I feel happy and clear.

While Delia’s been gone I’ve made progress and feel cleansed (in part because of getting off that medication and doing a lot of personal work – while the insomnia and severe loss of appetite sucks in some ways, it’s actually perfect timing and really healthy and revelatory for me in others). I’M SUPER EXCITED FOR HER TO COME HOME TOMORROW!!

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