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Posts Tagged ‘fears’

I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Around 2:30 or 3 I thought about going to the cabin to write down a couple of ideas and fall asleep whenever I got ready, but the truth is I’m afraid to go to the cabin at night. In the dark.

When we got the cabin I thought Delia and I would use it together sometimes to have a break from the cams. From the overabundance of machines constantly coursing with electricity. From the distractions of always being at work and often wanting to get away from it. But in almost four months we’ve never spent the night here together. And I’ve never spent the night here alone. I don’t mean I’ve spent the night here with someone else, I just haven’t spent the night here period.

So I guess WE didn’t get the cabin; I got the cabin by myself. And I’m still afraid to use it all the way. When I should. Which is lame because even though I must have gotten the cabin by myself, FOR myself, the rent on it does make us short in other areas. Which Delia makes up for on cam. I make up for it on cam and in other ways, too, but in doing so fall short on promoting our sites and other things I should be doing.

I thought we would come here and cook things in the toaster oven, wrapping up meatballs in shiny crinkled aluminum foil that would get filled with little trickles of salty meat-juice. Hang up twinkle lights and make love in the loft where nobody can see us (except maybe some people whose porch light I can see through the small, high, uncovered window across from the loft, if they have binoculars and feel like using them to look in here).

The girl in the big house has a big dog. I’m partially afraid to go to the cabin in the dark out of consideration of her, that she might hear me or see my shadow and think I’m an intruder in the fenced yard and get nervous since I never come here in the dark hours. But what I’m really afraid of is that she’ll let the dog out in the dark and she’ll feel all protective and rip off my face or arms with her teeth or just bark and growl and I’ll be paralyzed with fear at the gate. I’m afraid of dogs and afraid of having to explain myself to people when they catch me out alone in the dark.

The days have gotten shorter and shorter ever since I got the cabin, so the few daylight hours keep getting squeezed in by more and more dark hours that I’m afraid to use. If I didn’t share the cabin yard with the girl in the big house I would be here in the dark all the time, I think. But maybe not. I’ve gotten to the point where I want to be close to Delia whenever its dark. Nothing else feels right, which is weird because I used to live for being alone at night. I guess it’s been many years since I felt that way, though.

We only have a few more days before it all turns around and the days start getting longer again, but that still means I have three months before it’s anything like September when I started this thing. But that’s only in terms of daylight, which won’t be warm and toasty like it was in September. It will be wet and heavy and cold. So I think I need to get over this soon, and start coming here in the dark and not waiting around for it to be like September again.

I must’ve had my head up my ass when I worried that reserving a cabin for three nights was too LONG for a porn-shooting trip without running water or electricity or phones or internet of any kind. More like NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Being in the woods on the Olympic Peninsula, the proper WET woods southwest of us (unlike what we have here in the dry rainshadow), always feels like heaven to me. I’m not exaggerating: HEAVEN. Like what it would/should look and feel like if there were to be that kind of a fantasy afterlife (except I wouldn’t have to be scared of having my scalp ripped off by a cougar in heaven, but I digress).

Anyway, it was great. FANTASTIC, the level of peace and tranquility I felt there. The lack of pressure and the way everything worked out just right. The way we had so much beautiful SPACE to sprawl out and shoot in with very little chance of intrusion. The way the weather couldn’t have been more perfect. The way we walked for miles.

And when we got home? I pretty much instantly fell apart into a nervous wreck.

It’s not that I think running off and living a “simple” life is the Answer to All My Problems or something I want on a daily basis (I don’t), but experiencing it for a few days did highlight some of the things that I desperately need to fix in real life (like not having so MANY options and obligations every second of every day).

It’s a small fix, but we’re going to get rid of DirecTV completely and of course just keep plugging away on the usual stuff with a better reminder of what we could have if we got ahead, just a little bit: the freedom to fall behind and drop out more often . . . AND make better porn because of it. It’s amazing how doing so much of my job every fucking day gets in the way of DOING MY JOB RIGHT.

Also, I have serious problems being distracted by every day life and PEOPLE and the noises they make and our computers and all of our shit, though, so coming home was like putting my head in a blender after all of that peace and quiet and fresh air. I know it sucks for voyeurs who want to watch a blissed-out horny woman rolling around in ecstasy or at least looking fresh and cute and bisected by cleavage but instead get me, frowning and muttering under my breath about how I’m going to shoot myself in the head if trivial problems and distractions interrupt my flow just one more fucking time. I am so sorry that has been the story of my lifecams for far too long.

Anyway, I would manually scratch all the skin off my left arm using the fingernails of my right if it would mean I could spend a third of my life in a cabin in the woods, peeing outside and eating pickled sausage on the back porch. Unfortunately I’ll have to go about things the hard way: plodding forward, tiny steps at a time.

FYI: I’ll try to post more about the magic of our little cabin experience. Also, I’m posting the rest of these pictures of me by the river on Monday for members. Delia is posting a set as I type this: see SAMPLE HERE – it is SO FUCKING AWESOME to be able to get almost any angle you want from whatever distance you want unconstrained by four walls.

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We have webcam shows (with masturbation and all that jazz) and members-only chat scheduled for tomorrow (Sunday) and Monday, so check out our schedule if you’re a member and perhaps we’ll see you then!